Trans Siberian Adventure

[ozwinner]

Its time to say goobye, said Moriarty to his wonderful hosts.
He and Miss Marple had been to the other end of the earth for a wedding.
This is one wedding they wont forget in a hurry.

After all the formalitys of hugs and kisses were over.
Miss Marple said, well Moriarty time to board the train.
As they boarded the Trans Siberian Express Miss Marple wondered what adventures lay ahead for the two of them?:confused:
Moriarty wondered if he would get lucky with Miss Marple?:rolleyes:

With that, the train lurched into action, the two of them now seated in their cabin wondered what would happen on the journey...........................................



Over to youse lot, without The Rip characters.

Al :)

[echnidna]

......Humphrey Hamster stamped his foot in anger as he left the story...........Mumbling about sending MF here............

[bitingmidge]

Would life imitate art they thought, because surely this thread, if it went the way of most others, would be considered art in the fullness of time.

And they would have plenty of that, (time) as the next 10,000 miles of their journey unfolded.

10,000 miles without an internet connection.

The whistle blew, and the iron horse lurched forward, then stopped just as suddenly as it had moved....

[Grunt]

because of a flat tyre. The train was one of the new fangled ...

[ozwinner]

As soon as Tiers are Us, had fixed the flat tyre they were on their way again.......

[bitingmidge]

The train had barely begun to move when Miss Marples noticed a pair of flying insects in their cabin.

So tiny, they could barely be seen, but even with her naked eye (that's the only naked bit so far in the story) she could see that they were well tanned...

They looked strangely out of place so far inland, clearly these were coastal insects!

[ozwinner]

Of course being Well Tanned they were from Vietnam, but how did the come to be on this train, hmmmmmm...........................

[bitingmidge]

Alas, that's what happens when you let a Crapatorium Proprietor get involved in Taxonomy, your common garden variety Vietnamese Midges get mixed up with the much more rarified Sunny Coast variety!

Still the question was valid, and they were hoping that the shortage of Vodka on board would mean that all the stocks of Russian insect repellant on the train would be put to good use livening up the sadly unfermented orange juice, and for the time being they would be safe.

[ozwinner]

But no, the train driver had different ideas.

Swiftly he lept from the engine, grabbed some Wodka, and lept back onto the train just outside Moriartys door.
Moriarty left Miss Marple to see what all the fuss was about.......

[ozwinner]

Owwh.......... come on Moriarty said Miss Marple whats the delay?

Just then, two very large Chinese gentlemen stepped from the next cabin to see what all the fuss was about.............

[bitingmidge]

Moriarty had seen one of them before.

In fact, he'd seen both of them before. He gasped as he realised they were identical in every respect. He couldn't get over the skill they exhibited as they rode their rocking horses down the narrow corridor and through the tiny access into his cabin.

He seemed puzzled. He couldn't place their hideous faces....

[MajorPanic]

Where they were promptly put to the Mortein treatment by a travelling wayward monk of Canadian persuasion....

[Driver]

... Canadian persuasion, of course, is rarely subtle.

The Mortein treatment was administered with the end of the monk's tree-felling axe.

However, these identical Chinese, rocking horse-mounted twins were made of stern stuff (actually they had been carved from the transom of a vessel with which some of us are very familiar - however, we'll abide by the rules and let than one well alone....)

[ozwinner]

Were they transom estites??...........................pondered Miss Marple??

[bitingmidge]

Little did she know, that the Wongo sisters had been banished from the Factory-That-Builds-All-Things (http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/attachment.php?attachmentid=11178) because of their strident support for transom-estitism.

But that still didn't answer the question.....

[MajorPanic]

Why were these identical scum-sucking-little-bastards following her with such gay abandon?

[MajorPanic]

Factory-That-Builds-All-Things (http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/attachment.php?attachmentid=11178)
Waaaaay toooo much time on your hands!!!!

Get on with the packing!!!!

[craigb]

of where Sherlock was.
Because it's clear that if your name is Moriarty, then your arch nemesis can't be far behind.

Perhaps Sherlock, in a particularly cunning disguise, was the Wongo twins?

With a screech...

[ozwinner]

The train came to a halt for refreshments at the...............

[echnidna]

Targus Restaurant under the management of Dr Who...........

[ozwinner]

Yes!

Dr Whovargo the well know provider of refreshments, speciallizing in tea.
And all things Eastern..............

[bitingmidge]

.. and who as it turned out had just completed a batch of his famous blue peanut brittle....

[ozwinner]

Miss Marple secretes some of this peanut brittle on her person for use at a later date.

What has Miss Marple forseen to do such a thing? ............................

[craigb]

Could it be that she has realised the The Trans Siberian Express doesn't have a dining car?

[RETIRED]

Ok boys and girls. The rules with this one.

No seaman, no bodily parts unless correctly named and not vernacular, no reference to any sexual practises (deviate or otherwise) and no using ***** or other susbstitutes.

Lets see if you can write a literary masterpiece using the Queens English. This should be a real challenge!! :D :D :D

[Ashore]

or does miss Marple have a mouse in her pocket, to be fed at a later date, or is this mouse realy a gerbil disguised as a mouse. She must contact Richard to find out.......








Thought for the day

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ; percentage of Japan that is forest is greater than 70 %

[bitingmidge]

She was about to scratch her head, but had read 's post above, and although she was self educated, she had read extensively on human biology and realised that her head was in fact slang for a body part.

Slowly she drew her manicured nail across the top of her cranium, peering out the window she noticed in the twilight sky a row of stars (*****) she'd never seen before, five of them.

Perhaps they were a portent of things <STRIKE>to come</STRIKE> yet to unfold as the days wore on.

It was as if on another thread, the fabric of the universe had been torn asunder. As her mind began to drift towards thoughts of what that may mean, the mouse stirred...

[ozwinner]

Ok boys and girls. The rules with this one.

No seaman, no bodily parts unless correctly named and not vernacular, no reference to any sexual practises (deviate or otherwise) and no using ***** or other susbstitutes.

Lets see if you can write a literary masterpiece using the Queens English. This should be a real challenge!! :D :D :D
!!
What else would you expect from Miss Marple and Moriarty?? :confused:

Al

[bitingmidge]

She said.

And at that moment she heard a tapping sound coming from under the floor of her compartment.

[silentC]

A small hatch opened and a man's head emerged from within. Excuse me, can you tell me if this The Red Lion in Portobello Road? I've been crawling around in these sewers for days and.... my goodness, is that peanut brittle you have secreted about your person? I have a very acute sense of smell and I can also tell that you have recently been to the marriage of a short, fat, balding man to a tall, thin woman with prominent teeth. Yes, it is I, none other than the famous...

[Driver]

...detective, Bluey Anstruther."

"I don't think I've heard of you," said Miss Marple. "What did you say your name is?"

"Bluey Anstruther! Strewth, ya must have heard of me! I've solved cases from Coober Pedy all the way to Catherine!"

[ozwinner]

So why are on this train Mr Anstruther?

[bitingmidge]

"I've been commissioned to track down a couple of insects who have escaped from the land of Oz, and have reason to believe they are travelling round these parts" he replied.

His breath was heavy in the air, tinged with a merest hint of amber fluid which had been his staple since leaving home, although it was almost completely masked by the heavily minted peanut brittle he'd picked up in Estonia.

Miss Marples was nonplussed, she wondered aloud ....

[ozwinner]

Are you married Mr Anstruther??............

[Driver]

"Is this gentleman, by any chance, Australian?"

Bluey was quick to confirm his true-blueness:

"My oath, missus!" he exclaimed. In fact he expostulated, he proclaimed, he gave vent to pent-up emotions, so passionately did he feel. "I'm as Australian as, .... as ..... as anything! That's how Australian I am! I'm so Australian that ..."

The little old lady pommie detective interjected:-

[ozwinner]

Are you married Mr Anstruther??............
<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

[Driver]

"Jeez!" said Bluey. "There's no need to shout! No, not me. I've always thought that a detective needs to be free to move at the drop of a .... the drop of a ..." He clicked his fingers. "What's the word?"

"Hat?" suggested Miss Marple.

"That's ...."

[ozwinner]

right hat!!

I came here to look for an Oriental with a big hat, the hat contains................

[Ashore]

besides his head , a hat band with a secret compartment containing ........







Thought for the day

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ; percentage of Japan that is forest is greater than 70 %

[echnidna]

2005 separate pancake recipes

[Ashore]

with marpel syrup, which is why....







Thought for the day
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ; percentage of Japan that is forest is greater than 70 %

[Caliban]

...why you cry and why you lie to me...

[craigb]

...."I do beg your pardon" Miss M apologised, "it seems that I was free associating again. I've obviously forgotten to thake the pills that that nice Dr Watson prescribed."

Rummaging about in her commodious carpet bag, in search of the said medication, Miss M suddenly cried out in surprise. "Heavens.....

[fxst]

above how did that little blighter get into my bag ?? and those autonamons??

[echnidna]

it musta bin dun by thuh trolls

[bitingmidge]

"Bluddy Noora!" there was a shout from the corridor.

[ozwinner]

Just then Mr M came walking down the train corridor carrying a big bag of fruit, " fruit anyone".

Miss M though of some smart answer, but didnt reply, she just said "thank you Mr M" with a wry grin.
Then without warning the train came to a stop.
What the blazes?? said Mr M.....................

[flea1607]

"What! is there a fire" said Mrs M

[ozwinner]

Miss M looked confused as she hadnt realized she had been wed to Mr M, so that what all that noise was about the other night.

Miss M had missed most of the other night due to too many pink gins.
She neednt feel awkward now if Mr M makes advances on her, she thought to her self.

Why hasnt he made advances yet?
Its the hat...............?

[RETIRED]

Strike 1. :D

[ozwinner]

Good on ya .
We dont need them nasties from the Rip.

Al :eek:

[Grunt]

Strike 1.


And with strike Miss Marples went sprawling accross the floor and landed at the feet of Dr. Watson.

Dr. Watson stood up and grabbed by the throat and yelled "How dare you hit a woman". With that Dr. Watson ...

[MathewA]

No it wasn't the hat but what was emanating from under the hat. Little did Mrs M know but Mr M was allergic to peant brittle....

[RETIRED]

And with strike Miss Marples went sprawling accross the floor and landed at the feet of Dr. Watson.

Dr. Watson stood up and grabbed by the throat and yelled "How dare you hit a woman". With that Dr. Watson ...
Not a woman! A little Frenchie with atrocious grammar. :D

[bitingmidge]

"Sacre bleu! Explodeeng Frogs!"

Came the muffled shout from under Mr M's hat!

[Driver]

Not a woman! A little Frenchie with atrocious grammar. :D


Uncorrooct on sooveral counts! (Foor an admonistrarter you hooven't been peeing attoontion!):

1) Crabtree is not by any means little - he's well over six foot tall.
2) He's not French either. He's a pommy agent masquerading as a French gendarme.
3) There's nothing wrong with the bloke's grammar. It's usually immaculate. It's his pronunciation that's the problem.

Shape up, axewielder! We expect the best from you, not this sort of sloppy work! :p

[ozwinner]

A pooof of smoke rose from the rim of Mr M's hat.

As Mr M took of his hat, Mrs M poured herself another pink gin, which she almost dropped as she saw................

[flea1607]

the twins riding past....

[RETIRED]

Uncorrooct on sooveral counts! (Foor an admonistrarter you hooven't been peeing attoontion!):

1) Crabtree is not by any means little - he's well over six foot tall.
2) He's not French either. He's a pommy agent masquerading as a French gendarme.
3) There's nothing wrong with the bloke's grammar. It's usually immaculate. It's his pronunciation that's the problem.

Shape up, axewielder! We expect the best from you, not this sort of sloppy work! :p
20 minutes to respond. You are slippng. :p

[ozwinner]

the twins riding past....
With the grim reaper in hot persuit...............................

[Driver]

20 minutes to respond. You are slippng. :p


Good moaning! Yew soom to be seeffering from the soom priblem. That's pronounced sleeping not slippng! ;)

[Caliban]

With the grim reaper in hot persuit...............................

Pursuit?
Hirsuite?
Ensuite?
Strike me pink (gin),leave Col alone, he's just feeling cross threaded.
20 minutes isn't too bad, considering he had to leave roger out.
err, where were we?
Oh yes the twins.
The twins were confused by the smoke emanating from under the hat, they weren't aware, of course, of the foil which...

[Driver]

... had been neatly wrapped around a tasty fillet of pink snapper and placed in the travelling barbie worn under his hat by Mr M whenever he undertook a long train journey.

[craigb]

"Gawd" thought Bluey "five pages into this story and still no mystery to solve."

"What exactly is the point of having Miss (or is it Mrs?) Marple aboard this train, not to mention yours truely, if there's no damn myster to solve?"

Just as Bluey was thinking this he noticed that one of the other occupants of the train seemed to lack animation.

On investigating further he could see that this was because there was a rather large dagger protruding from the person's chest.

"Strewth" excalimed Bluey, "this is more like it. But who would want to have bumped off...

[Caliban]

the starter of this whole breakaway thread?
Could it be one of those depositors of unwanted faecal matter, one of those stars of cctv, one of those who offends Mrs thread starter?
Surely not, could it be a troll :eek: :eek: :eek:

[Ashore]

But back to the thread

The grim reaper was carrying not a sickle but a froe and wearing a bowler hat ......








Thought for the day

About 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens each year.

[Grunt]

Mean while in the dinning car were The Fabulous Whacker Boys sitting around a table planning a train robbery. Their leader Alfonso “Junkman” Auswiener spoke in hushed tones “When the train stops in Yarbles, I want you” as he pointed at Dick ‘The Pig’ Gruntofski, “to go to the engine and stick up the driver.”
The Junkman continued “Monquay, I want you on the platform with you pants around your ankles”. Zeed ‘Ape Boy’ Monquay quietly nodded.
“What do you want me to do Junkman?” enquired Emilio Gumboli

As they Whacker Boys were talking, in walked …

[flea1607]

Bluey with Miss M and Mr M. Bluey spotted the Whacker Boys then exclaimed..

[Driver]

"Hands up your sticks, motherwhackers. You're 'arder undressed!"

"What?!?!" cried everyone else, including Miss Marple.

"Dammit!" said Bluey. "I always get my mords wuddled up when I'm excited!"

Miss Marple said: "Soooo ...."

[ozwinner]

Anyone for tea, or pink gin??
With that the Whacker boys..............................

[Caliban]

...sexy, speak Russian to me you dirty boy,prrrrrrrrr.....

[ozwinner]

Hi большой мальчик, хочет получить пакостным?
Was the reply, everyone looked, where in the world did you pick up the Ruskie language??

[Grunt]

At the Craporium of course!

With that Ape Boy pulled out his ...

[Caliban]

Miss Marple started tearing off her clothes and moaning and groaning as she demanded that Bluey continue to speak Russian which was evidently pushing all her buttons. If it wasn't for the severe warnings from the axe weilding mongrel several pages ago, things could have become very risque.
But before she could remove any more clothes, Emilio thrust a pink gin into her hands and she regained her composure saying"...

[ozwinner]

то было близко, благодарит бога для розовых джинов.

Who is Emilio they all wondered

[Caliban]

Miss Marple replied"Emilio вы имеете самый большой банан, котор я всегда вижу"
Which made the poor simian blush badly, saying...

[ozwinner]

MISS MARPLE!! said Mr M, restrain yourself, you are supposed to be the standard by which British women model themselves.


With that, Mr M made his way to the Boozesckie car..............

For the Ruskie inept.
http://world.altavista.com/tr

[Grunt]

where several more members of the Whacker gang were hang out.

Mr. M enquired to the closest gang member "Is it true what they say?"

[ozwinner]

That i will end up tiddley if I drink enough Wadka?

[Driver]

The closest gang member thought about this for a bit. You could tell he was thinking by the way the muscles in his forehead rippled and by the fact that he kept clenching his eyebrows. How, you may wonder Dear Reader, does one clench one's eyebrows? Well, it helps if you have eyebrows the way Pamela Anderson has boobs, the way Arnold Schwarzenegger has biceps, the way Lance Armstrong has Tour de France yellow jerseys. Get the picture? The closest gang member was a beetle-browed heavy in the old tradition. Hell! Even his left ear looked like Charles Bronson.

Miss Marple noticed this as he replied to her question:-

"Will you end upwaddley if you drink more Tidka? Skertainly you will. Fifthermore even, you're not as think as you drunk I am," he said. "Dozvedanya! (Hic!)"

[ozwinner]

Sir!! You are drunk said Mss M. to which MR M replyed.


All together now.....................................

[Prince Charles]

Madam I am drunk and you are ugly, tomorrow I shall be sober, and you will still be ugly.


Your Future King, Charles

[fxst]

now then who is for pancakes for a light supper? said the Chef Roger de Crisper as he lit the ..........

[echnidna]

.. The gas stove.
Miss Marples said "scuse me chaps I hear the call of nature and walked around the corner towards the Ladies loo but went through the rip in the fabric of the universe by mistake.
Her adventures there can be followed by going here (http://www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au/showpost.php?p=181192&postcount=563)

[Driver]

... portable, lightweight travelling barbie that he, like Mr M, kept conveniently to hand under his hat. There was a loud noise:-

"WHOOMP!"

Followed by a billowing cloud of smoke and a short scream from Chef Roger:-

"EEK!"

... as he realised his carefully coiffed and slicked down comb-over hairstyle was blazing cheerfully away atop his scone. People were warming their hands at its merry winter glow.

"Gerroff!" he yelled, slapping their hands away. "Me 'eads on fire!"

"Well," said Miss Marple. "I must say...."

[ozwinner]

Morning Mr M, that was one weird dream, 9 hours, it must have all happened in my sleep.

Hmm what to have for breakfast?

[flea1607]

So off Miss M and Mr M went to find the dinning car...

[ozwinner]

Haveing found that the dining car had been sold as scrap to Ozwinsky dureing the night, they both settled down to roast marshmellows cooked over a kero flame.....................hmmmm, yum..................

[bitingmidge]

"Tickets please".....

"Tickets Please".....

"Tickets Please" ......

[flea1607]

Said the ticket collector, but wait.........

[bitingmidge]

"Ticks Fleas" .....

"Ticks Fleas" .....

"Ticks Fleas" .....

[flea1607]

Said the ticket collector as he itched his way down the corridor. Carefully Miss M and Mr M moved on to find ................

[ozwinner]

a three headed ticket collector.................

[Driver]

... with no arms and only one leg. He was waiting to board the train.

The guard said:-

"Hello, hello, hello, you look 'armless. Hop on!"

Boom, boom!

[ozwinner]

But the train was going soooo fast he didnt get on board.
Just as well, as Mr M was looking for such a man in connection to oodles of crimes......................

He is non other than ( insert dramitic music here ) the "Noodle maker From Oodnadater"............

[craigb]

"Noodle maker From Oodnadater"............

Bluey "Wongo" Anstruther.

"Well bugger me" said ......

[echnidna]

.... the troll as it slipped through the rip ....

[bitingmidge]

... and found himself in a QANTAS club lounge,

in Brisbane!!

Now he had to think fast, how was he to get back to his proper thread, there's a flight to Singapore leaving in a few minutes, perhaps he could ....

[outback]

crawl inside a boogy board bag and...........

[fxst]

hope the rip was in there. Meanwhile Miss Marple popped back from her side trip thru the rip and said......"bugger me thats odd" and no sooner had she said that when the knicker-hatted terpsichorean troupe appeared in the dining car. With that a..............