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  1. #1
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    Default Supportive Wives are better than sharp planes

    In another thread I have just read the following statement:
    "yeah, always got slabs for sale, but money already spent years in advance. barter goes under the wife's radar"

    (I hope the author will forgive me for using his statement.)

    I often hear sentiments like this expressed, sentiments to the effect that people's partners are either unsupportive or even openly hostile to their hobbies. I know a man who has a well paid and very stressful job and yet was "given" no allowance for tools or materials each pay. His wife however thought it appropriate to spend $65 per month on her hair and cosmetics. The poor chap considered that even spending some time at the wood show might create difficulties. This is insane.

    When a man works, the money is his. Yes, if he has a family he is obligated to provide effective care and support for them and this may even (often) involve great personal sacrifice. If you say that in a good marriage (like mine) the people should consider all of their resources as jointly owned and there to help each to achieve the maximum enjoyment they can get out of life then I would think that this is an even better way of expressing the situation.

    But it seems that this way of dealing with resources (including time) is not so common as it should be. I include time, because it is important for people in a relationships to give each other space, much space, to pursue the things that matter to them. Now this is a wood forum and what I say applies very much to the time and space we need to pursue our hobby, but what ever the interest, we should given our partners all the support we can to attaining their goals.

    Sometimes when I have taught children to use a plane or a saw you can see that they grip the handle so tightly that it mitigates against any proper use of the tool. So it is with people. You must treat them with a soft and gentle touch. Let them go often to do as they please and when they return they will be more truly yours.

    I am sorry wax philosophical in a wood forum but I can think of nothing more frustrating to a woody than to be caught up in a relationship with a non-supportive partner. I have a wonderful wife who is continually on the lookout for ways for me to get more time and tools. I taught my children to look for this same quality in their spouses and I feel very sad for the many people who seem not to be in this situation.
    My age is still less than my number of posts

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  3. #2
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    Default

    I agree with you chuck on most of your comments,my wife sees the value of me having my time, as she is very creative, things come out of my man cave (things she has asked me to make)for her to finish off in her time.
    We have no problems with buying "stuff" for each of our interests.
    After more than 46 years together,the last 14 odd me being at home full time have worked well.
    Since being retired we both agree than each having "my time and supporting each others intrests" in the way to go.
    The issue of the man's earning being his is not in so cut and dry,in my case my wife was a big part in me being able to improve my position in my work and greatly increase my salary over the years,she "worked with me" to improve our lot.
    Cheers
    Last edited by nrb; 23rd January 2014 at 09:34 AM. Reason: more comment

  4. #3
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    Default

    Yes. I think its very important for the creative side of everyone to be acknowledged and supported. My ex was always making digs at my craft "stash" and wanting me to get rid of my junk. Did I mention he is my ex?
    anne-maria.
    T
    ea Lady

    (White with none)
    Follow my little workshop/gallery on facebook. things of clay and wood.

  5. #4
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by nrb View Post
    I agree with you chuck on most of your comments,my wife sees the value of me having my time, as she is very creative, things come out of my man cave (things she has asked me to make)for her to finish off in her time.
    We have no problems with buying "stuff" for each of our interests.
    After more than 46 years together,the last 14 odd me being at home full time have worked well.
    Since being retired we both agree than each having "my time and supporting each others intrests" in the way to go.
    The issue of the man's earning being his is not in so cut and dry,in my case my wife was a big part in me being able to improve my position in my work and greatly increase my salary over the years,she "worked with me" to improve our lot.
    Cheers
    What I was attempting to say, apparently poorly, was that ideally whatever resources a couple have should be considered joint property. In my case, for many reasons my wife has never worked in paid employment for over 30 years. I have. But the income we get, though it comes directly from my work, belongs to us both. But in saying that at the very least it belongs in part, to me. My wife's contribution to the partnership is at least as valuable as mine though it is not often given monetary value. Your experience and mine, of wives or partners, who actively support our interests is by no means common. The selfishness that causes this is found equally in both sexes I believe. Being very fortunate in my choice of a wife I can only imagine how hard it must be for a man or a woman to have to persue their hobby against the passive or active resistance of their partner.
    My age is still less than my number of posts

  6. #5
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    Default

    This goes right back to the basics - back to the cave. The woman is cautious and protective the man is adventurous and aggressive, (well to some extent anyway.) Sometimes, the rolls are reversed. Shall we call it dominant and passive rolls. Not necessarily gender based.
    The Hobbiest:
    Now here is the rub:
    The Single Hobby Hobbiest (SSH) is of little concern, provided he doesn't overindulge and keeps the lawns mowed, takes the garbage out and keeps the car operational, attends all meals on time and assists in daily activities.
    The Obsessive Compulsive Hobbiest (OCH): The daylight to dark and then some operator. Only known to the family by a faded picture on the mantle piece. A rather nasty, self indulgent sort of person more suited to a life of celibacy than any form of partnership.
    The Multi Hobby Hobbiest (MHH): In this form the hobbiest can take on many , if not all, of the characteristics of the previous two.
    Add to this a deficit in time for each interest and you have a rather annoying character that fiddles and faffs, without seeming to make any progress whatsoever, other than to place a steady drain on family finances.

    There are many other sub species but these are, more often than not, variations of the above- crossbreeds- mules if you like- mongrels if you don't.

    I think it important, before taking a "Holier than thou stance," we indulge in a little self examination to determine our category, before passing judgement.
    And then continue on our self indulgent way..................Coming Dear. No, I'm listening.

    PS
    Happily married, Share and share alike, Respect each other. Too easy.

  7. #6
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    Default

    Chook, I understand what you are saying. My relationship is very much one of us both supporting each other in our hobbies. We have what I have found to be a very common situation - a woodworker and a quilter (she is the quilter before anyone starts). We help each other. She has a slight acquired brain injury from an accident several years ago and cant quite grasp cutting out the pieces. I do that part for her and after that she is fine. I have a back injury and if I need a lift or an infeed/outfeed support I only have to ask.

    She is also into photography. She has a $2000 camera. I made sure we had the money for her to buy it. It wasnt one of those "if I let you have the $2000 camera, I want $2000 for a new bandsaw" deals. Once you start down that road everything you buy costs twice as much. I enjoy it when she shares her photographic achievements with me. We both encourage the other and it works well. WHen she wanted a filter for he camera, I went with her to the camera shop. She picked out a $40 filter and said it was the one she wanted. Can you imagine the look on her face when I picked up the top-of-the-range model and asked" are you sure you dont mean this one?" and then bought it for her?

    The other thing that I do that makes it all work, and here is where I think a lot of us fail, is that I will often make a small item like a pretty little box or a vase or whatever, just for her. I think if a lot of woodworkers made sure that their partners could see a little something in it for them, they might be a little easier to persuade to release some funds for that new tool.

    It has not always been like that for me though. I have lived on both sides of the fence. My wife, when she was alive had a totally different attitude. Any money she made was "her money" and any money I made was "our money". In practice, she had no actual idea about how much "our money" I was making because I was working for myself. I could spend anything I wanted really but would then have to endure the argument over "where did the money come from for that?"

    Its not really that difficult to "age" a new machine with a liberal sprinkling of sawdust, and/or to bury it under a pile of other things and let her be there to see it when you pull it out. "This? I've had it for ages. I just haven't used it for a long time". Neither she or any of our kids were left without for any of my tool purchases, BTW.

    Unfortunately old habits die hard. My wife passed away nearly 12 years ago, and I have been with my girlfriend for over 10. Even though I dont need to sneak tools into the shed any more I still find myself working out inventive ways to do it. I guess thats just human nature. I much prefer to be able to bring a tool or a piece of timber home and be able to say "Look what I found, Darling." rather than to sneak it into the shed and wait for the inevitable argument.

    Thanks Chook for starting this thought-provoking discussion.

    Cheers

    Doug
    I got sick of sitting around doing nothing - so I took up meditation.

  8. #7
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by doug3030 View Post
    Chook, I understand what you are saying. My relationship is very much one of us both supporting each other in our hobbies. We have what I have found to be a very common situation - a woodworker and a quilter (she is the quilter before anyone starts).
    Thanks Chook for starting this thought-provoking discussion.

    Cheers

    Doug
    Hi Doug,
    My wife is an essential part of the QC process at our house. Nothing gets out unless it's perfect!

    Have you thought of making your partner a Quilters Work Box? People really love them and they look beautiful too.

    Regards,

    Rob
    Attached Images Attached Images

  9. #8
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by LGS View Post
    Hi Doug,
    My wife is an essential part of the QC process at our house. Nothing gets out unless it's perfect!

    Have you thought of making your partner a Quilters Work Box? People really love them and they look beautiful too.

    Regards,

    Rob
    With us, I am the QC person. The quilters' box looks nice and something similar has already been hinted at.

    I also have another project that I know she will love when I get to it, bigger project this one though. I have a Horne sewing cabinet (one of those little, expensive, poorly made boxes that expand to fill a medium sized lounge room and convert it into a sewing studio) up the back of the shed. It cost me nothing. I was given it because it got waterlogged and all the chipboard turned to weet-bix. I am in the process of salvaging all the hinges, locks and fittings out of it so I can make a new cabinet out of some furniture-grade timber, raised panel doors etc instead of chipboard and melamine as they come from the shop. That one may keep me busy for a while. But its a secret so dont tell her.

    Cheers

    Doug
    I got sick of sitting around doing nothing - so I took up meditation.

  10. #9
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    Default

    I think it comes down to the amount of funds being available, if funds were unlimited then it would not matter. My wife shares an interest in creating things out of wood. I think she is more creative than I am.

    I know that I have a very supportive wife and not just in my hobby but in life.

  11. #10
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    My partner and I understand that we are not bought and paid for. We are a partnership.
    Many of my interests are not many of hers. Many others we share, that's fantastic.
    I have no use for the SWMBO and Commander types. Who do they think they are?
    They really need to give their heads a hard shake. Otherwise, there's the door. Use it.

  12. #11
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    Exclamation

    Quote Originally Posted by Robson Valley View Post
    My partner and I understand that we are not bought and paid for. We are a partnership.
    Many of my interests are not many of hers. Many others we share, that's fantastic.
    I have no use for the SWMBO and Commander types. Who do they think they are?
    They really need to give their heads a hard shake. Otherwise, there's the door. Use it.
    Thems fightin words!!!

  13. #12
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    Great discussion, well worth having. I'm one of the lucky ones too, with an artist partner (wife) so lots of creativity (more than me).

    However, when I read such comments I realise that relationships run the full gamut from nasty/controlling to great/easy going and none are great all the time so we need to cut a bit of slack for those who are going through a hard patch and let off some steam with the "swmbo" stuff or the equivalent for our female partners (hwmbo?). This forum is a great friendly place to express some opinions without offending people and a bit of "shed humour amongst mates (male and female)" is to be expected and I believe, accepted without harsh judgement. Also, in most cases the comments are probably made to induce a laugh rather than in earnest. Lets not get too politically correct for our own good, either laugh in sympathy and move on from such comments or F111 them (let them go overhead without connecting).


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

  14. #13
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    Default Pointer Sisters approach

    Quote Originally Posted by chook View Post
    In another thread I have just read the following statement:
    " You must treat them with a soft and gentle touch.
    They like a man with a slow hand and an easy touch.

  15. #14
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    Yes. I have a woman, a partner, with a slow hand and an easy touch.
    That's a partnership.
    Together, she's most willing to give up her kitchen to me for the evening meal.
    The bonus for me is to get to listen to her do an hour of violin practice. She's quite good,
    plays in some small group things.

    Maybe there's a whole lot of you that never even contemplate hunting for clean organic meat.
    Where you live, it ain't like here.
    I taught her, she wanted to hunt, to hunt with me. She's become quite proficient.
    She cleans her own kills.
    We both rejoice at the table for the quality food we have harvested for ourselves.

  16. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robson Valley View Post
    Together, she's most willing to give up her kitchen to me for the evening meal.
    We are sharing our kitchen this afternoon. we just did a harvest of the herbs and vegies; see photo below.

    Now we are working together to make a few meals.

    SHe is making some spinach and silverbeet creations with some of the herbs and I am making up about a KG of garlic and herb butter. I will do a few garlic breads this evening and freeze them. One will go to a barbeque with us tomorrow for Australia Day. My garlic breads are much sought after items among our groups of friends.

    Its a relaxing afternoon in the kitchen producing lovely food for us and our friends and doing it together in peace and harmony. Life is good.

    Cheers

    Doug
    Attached Images Attached Images
    I got sick of sitting around doing nothing - so I took up meditation.

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