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  1. #1
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    Default The search for meaning...

    Okay I recognize Im not "disabled" in a physical sence nor in a mental sence in other words all my faculties are working on most cylinders... but I am "disabled" or probably "dysfunctional" might be a better word for it?

    Anyway... Im starting to search for a meaning in my life.

    Nah not depressed or sad or such whats happened has happened what will happen will happen as far as Jo goes... its just that I cant seem to get focus on much of anything I go through the motions of living you know breathing caring for myself eating sleeping working that shyte... but its like I have no idea what I want to do from here on in... no idea whatever!

    Often I think okay Shane yer burke lets look at this situation what the hell are you gonna do? Right says I... get the house in my name and sell the buggar be debt free go rent for awhile then buy a mobile home and invest and just enjoy life... mmmm then I think well the place isnt that bad could do with a mountain of work but with a small morgage Id be debt free in about 8 years if I go for broke with the morgage anyway so why not hang in there?... mmm then I think stuff it sell up and fly away to the states europe wherever setup and make a new life.... mmm then the kids... so head east buy a place over there?... mmm I have NO FRIGGIN IDEA!!

    I cant find inspiration once over plentifull I cant find motivation once more than plentifull and Im sorta just wombling around nothing really grabs my attention and if it does it lasts for a few days at most then I loose interest then its just wombling around again I get ideas but cant get moving on them or if I do its just for a short time then back to wombling again

    I just cant seem to focus and STAY focused!

    And I dont seem to care much about anything material you know? Im caring for myself no worries god Im healthier and fitter than Ive been in years I dont get upset by whats happening anymore I just seem to shrug and ignore it now mentally Im fine sorta I think clearly I am as emotionally stable as I can be lonely as hell but fine with it most of the time. I just dont seem to give a rats about anything

    I mean the yard just the part around the house let alone the other 2 acres has overgrown and I mean overgrown down the back the weeds are as tall as I am (5ft or more) theres crap and things all over the back yard (not overly just enough to annoy hell out of me from time to time then I shrug and get over it) but I just dont give a shyte... I often leave the house car or shed wide open without a thought... theres a swag of things I MUST do to the house itself but I just cant be bloody bothered... oh I clean up its tidy and nothing out of place just cant be bothered doin the necessary work to bring it up to scratch you know? new skirting boards need making and installing light fittings doors not quite fitting new floors in the bedroom and laundry that sort of thing just "buggar it"

    Work wise Im happy as hell... only work 10 hours 5 days a week most Saturdays but would like to work 12 or MORE hours a day 7 days a week as the mind is in gear and doing stuff that has to be done and I dont have to wonder whats next just turn up sort the truck get orders for the day and off I go till end of day then its park up take off for here and thats that... here I look around during the day having decided that I WILL do such and such but once I get here I think "stuff it" and thats the end of that.

    Looking back I never had questions of what I should do or what must be done Id just do it... never had a problem with motivation Id just look around then at Jo or the kids and motivation came... never had a problem with inspiration again just look around then at Jo and the kids and inspiration was there... now theyre not here... nothing.

    Nothing whatever seems to matter... just going through the motions of living... but no meaning no passion or desire for anything nothing at all gets me going as I used to... I dont want for anything I have everything I could need for a good life I guess Ive got a home that I should be able to keep a morgage thats low as and so easy enough to manage Ive furniture to hell and gone most unused since they arent here Ive got more tools and timber than I will ever find a use for... Ive got everything I need for a good life... but its drab its boring its mundane and its nothing.

    Jo WAS my life for 26 years... seriously I had no friends she was my friends I had no life outside of the home she was my life everything revolved around her and the kids... inspiration came from her smile her laugh her cheeky grin her brilliant blue eyes motivation came from the 8 kids and their zany happiness noise brilliant personalities the future they saw and shared... that was my inspiration and motivation for everything I did.

    Now theyre gone this place is an empty cold shell Im withering inside with loneliness heartache and life is a shallow empty pool where once it was a magical crystal clear pool under a magical never ending waterfall of life laughter smiles grins noise and hope for the future...

    Now I have nothing... nothing means a damned thing to me... seriously Im not particularily sad nor depressed just lost momentum and purpose... I mean how can I have purpose when my children dont talk to me? how can I have momentum when my wife wants nothing to do with me? How can I find all that when I have no love in my life? To have the motivation inspiration momentum and purpose in life to fully enjoy and make the world one lives in one must have love must have the joy of their children the warmth of a partner who wants to be by your side wants to make you happy and you them... otherwise... there is nothing.

    Move on? WHERE??? Where can I go? What can I do? Nothing... I am literally stuck here... at least till the house has been transfered into my name for the morgage must be paid and I see no good logical reason to pay a morgage AND rent somewhere else then I must remain until the place is sold then there are the younger nippers I cant up and leave them no matter that I dont have anything to do with the two older youngest ones anymore and just Josh the youngest no matter that all bar 1 of the elder children want nothing to do with me... I must still be near to know they are okay to just be there if they need me... I cant leave so Im stuck in this blindingly morose cold miserable existance

    You know I havent laughed since this began? No not once I have found something that makes me really laugh... nothing that brings a feeling of sheer joy... even when my precious granddaughter Amelia was born it was tinged with sadness and coldness because that is what I recieved from Jo and now I am not allowed to see little Amelia as the daughter and her partner have determined Im an utter mongrel and thus they wont allow me to know her... even when Tiffanys second child was born little Peyton was tinged with sadness because I was alone I just cant see a way through this thing I cant see happiness joy laughter and well a life thats really worth living... oh I dont mean Im feeling suicidal Im not... Im also well aware that life will apparently get better with time... thats not it... its well so bloody boring and pointless you know?

    Without someone to make me laugh to show me kindness gentleness warmth passion and desire Im empty... and nothing seems to be changing... its just an endless progression of emptiness loneliness and bloody boredom that lies in front of me

    I mean I know Im a good bloke I dont drink (very rarely and then only a couple) Im gentle placid and kind Im fairly good lookin in a rough sorta way I know there are other women out there who may find me attractive or at least someone to share time with... but Ive no idea how to go about doing so!... Im not a drinker so pubs are not somewhere I go Im not into clubs never have been too bloody noisy... so how the bloody blue buggary does one start a new life meet new people and make relationships? geezus I dont friggin know!!! Honestly I have no idea where to start... mind you I dont even know if I want to... Im bloody lonely as hell never been so utterly alone that I can recall... maybe I was way back but over the last half a lifetime Ive always had her and the nippers and never needed anyone else... theres also the fact that Im still married we have separated not divorced and in my weird mind I took the vows on our wedding day "... till death us do part" so no matter what she does I cant find it in me to move on or meet another woman until either one of us croaks or our marriage is dead as in divorced... so even that is not going to happen!!

    FLUCKADUCK a bloke cant win a damned trick!!

    Soooo I guess Im asking the question thats probably unanswerable... HOW THE HELL DO I FIND MEANING NOW?

    As I said Im not depressed suicidal or overtly sad... just lost confused and looking for a reason a meaning to whats become an incredibly lonely boring life.

    mmmm maybe this should be a blog entry?? aaahh stuff it someone will move it if they think it should be there... but its sure a "disability" for me! and by god I bet Im not alone with this others have to be going through the same thing
    Believe me there IS life beyond marriage!!! Relax breathe and smile learn to laugh again from the heart so it reaches the eyes!!


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  3. #2
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    Hey Mate,

    I reckon that no matter who answers - all or any of those things, it won't mean a dammed thing because you know yourself that there is only one answer, TIME - TIME - TIME.

    You know full well that it's like the flu - it aint goin' to get better the first day, you must let it run it's course.

    You can hit your thumb with a bloody big hammer and it hurts like hell but you know that it won't matter next year.

    Just hang in, wait and see what happens.

    Denn

  4. #3
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    Default

    Shane
    (I'm using your real name to show this is a serious response)

    Having had my own deeply depressive episode, I can tell you that you can be clinically depressed without having suicidal thoughts. I'm not an expert, but a lot of your post sounds like depression to me.

    One really important test for me was what my psychiatrist called the salt test - remember the things that you used to do that maade you happy that don't seem to anymore? Is it like putting salt on something and then not tasting the salt? If that sort of sums you up, you may well be depressed. The fact that happy-making activities don't make you happy is part of why you lose motivation.

    I may well be wrong. But you should get an appointment with a really good psychiatrist and get them to tell you one way or another. For me it was a revelation - the drugs helped and then the counselling side cut in to hlep me get back to being able to look after my own mental health. Just knowing what was happening and why I felt the way I did was a great step forward.
    Cheers

    Jeremy
    If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly

  5. #4
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    Default

    Dingo,



    I watched from down here my Mum (in Qld) go from depression into very severe psychosis when my Dad died, she did some awful things and it was a battle for a year before we could gert her to get herself some help. The medical ssystem is a complete failure on that part. It was a real hard time especially given that I couldn't be in two places at once as my wife was ready to go into labour at any time from 18 weeks with our first kid.

    I'd go with jmk89 and get an opinion, even if you're not depressed, not saying and I can't say. it's better to find out before things go down a slippery path.
    I make things, I just take a long time.

    www.brandhouse.net.au

  6. #5
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by jmk89 View Post
    Shane
    (I'm using your real name to show this is a serious response)

    Thanks mate it is

    Having had my own deeply depressive episode, I can tell you that you can be clinically depressed without having suicidal thoughts. I'm not an expert, but a lot of your post sounds like depression to me.

    Does it? God I was a counsellor for 12 years and well... strewth maybe I am but dont realize it? honestly when the black dog stopped chewing on my neck I thought I was passed the depression

    One really important test for me was what my psychiatrist called the salt test - remember the things that you used to do that maade you happy that don't seem to anymore? Is it like putting salt on something and then not tasting the salt? If that sort of sums you up, you may well be depressed. The fact that happy-making activities don't make you happy is part of why you lose motivation.

    You could be right... food is bland now whereas before Id really enjoy the taste and texture of food its just food nothing no taste no texture just something I have to eat... nothing that once made me smile even to myself makes me smile now.

    I may well be wrong. But you should get an appointment with a really good psychiatrist and get them to tell you one way or another. For me it was a revelation - the drugs helped and then the counselling side cut in to hlep me get back to being able to look after my own mental health. Just knowing what was happening and why I felt the way I did was a great step forward.

    Biggest problem there is I dont trust psychs or counsellors.. probably because I was one I suppose... but then theres the drug issue Im not one to take or trust drugs either Im allergic to a lot of medications and being brain dead is not something I want to be I dont want to alter my perceptions and mind and most drugs do that... mate I want my life back thats all or at least a life with some worth and enjoyment
    I answered the questions the way I did so I could address you directly rather than just writing in a new post... I take what youve said very much to heart and I do think you are right that Im becoming depressed again... and thus is my life I guess a round about of lonely isolation and boring solitude where nothing holds any particular interest or enthusiasm... momentarily interspersed with fractionally moments of joy shattered by sadness and emptiness

    Such is life.

    I do believe you but what to do when you dont trust psychs or counsellors and cant trust drugs? I suppose you just exist until the slow passage of time takes over as Denn says

    Thanks fellas seriously thanks
    Shane
    Believe me there IS life beyond marriage!!! Relax breathe and smile learn to laugh again from the heart so it reaches the eyes!!


  7. #6
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    Get a job. ANY job, but the harder the better.

    In our society men derive most of their worth from their work. That might be sad, but that is the way it is.

    You need a reason to get out of bed. You need to be told what to do. You need to be able to achieve small things, and get recognition for them. You need money to spend, to reward and/or validate yourself for the work you did.

    You need a job.
    ... as long as the government is perceived as working for the benefit of children, the people will happily endure almost any curtailment of liberty and almost any deprivation. (A.Hitler)

  8. #7
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    Default Its Mondayitis



    Ok I'll bite ding why the hell are you at home its Monday ..............ok so WA is a bit behind but not that far.

    For starters you sitting at the keyboard why aren't you at work or out finishing or doing something constructive.

    WHY possibly your brain & body is saying R&R time.....make sure all is in gear and breaks are working, we often get lost in our own worlds. Then all of a sudden

    Ok Long grass do you own a flame thrower .........Fixed

    Weeds spray with radiator coolant .............Fixed

    Whats got to be done about the little camper ........go do it Fixed

    All your ideas are good ones I have had many of the same ideas and I go through the same sort of stuff Ding.........as you said if your home you have time to think it over.

    The kids well think back to when you were their ages.........did you hang with your old man . I know I didn't only on some occassions mainly due to him being at work me at school or having been sent away by mother to some aunts or other.

    They are growing up. Your lucky they are close by they'll contact you if they need you.
    I gave up chasing the 2 sons who are married now have their own famlies and own standards lives etc.


    Ok Shane I'll swap you lives.

  9. #8
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    Gidday Ron... mate Ive got a job and beauty to great mob to work with and alongside not one thats a mongrel which in this industry is unusual... wouldnt mind another one to kill the extra hours in a day but I think I actually need those few hours between getting home and going to bed just havent quite worked out what for

    Wheeling mate... swap lives? why in blazes would anyone want my life?... you still have your missus by your side mate! Thats more important than all the possessions and things I have... yeah theres things I really should do (does coolant really kill weeds? be bloody good if it does since Im allergic to the poisons and hence why they thrive) but as I say my biggest problem just now is motivation... just cant seem to kick myself into gear

    Thanks all
    Shane
    Believe me there IS life beyond marriage!!! Relax breathe and smile learn to laugh again from the heart so it reaches the eyes!!


  10. #9
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    Well Ding you just blew your chance for good food

    The rest well we all go through personal problems with spouses etc.

    As to why Your in WA last time I went through there it was in 1961 on our way to Sydney from the UK.

    You have land a house a shed bigger than a bathroom and a bloody mig welder

    Yes antifreeze/coolant the green stuff for sure does kill off grass and weeds even if mixed type DO NOT put it near plants you love or vegies etc.

  11. #10
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    Shane, you've got to seek help from a professional.
    You can't do it on your own, you're just gonna get worse. When you're in a dark, deep hole the first thing to do is stop digging.
    The wonderful people on this forum can offer you sympathy but that's not what you need.
    Please. Bite the bullet. See your GP. Get a referral. Get some treatment. Get your life back.

    Do it now.
    All the best.
    Clive
    Pugwash.

    Never criticise Australia Post. One day they might find out where you live.
    www.clivequinn.com

  12. #11
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    Okay will get some tomorrow... public holiday here for some reason... no reason I cant sort the place out before I go so thanks me old mate

    Thanks for the words and help people... I guess I should have asked a few months ago... anyway its all rather pointless and pedantic now I guess.

    Jeremy your right but to late now

    Im tired tired as all hell of this so Im gonna take a break thanks for the words encouragement and support.
    Believe me there IS life beyond marriage!!! Relax breathe and smile learn to laugh again from the heart so it reaches the eyes!!


  13. #12
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    Hi Shane,

    Have you had a chance to be angry? I know, it's a bit out there, but bear with me. My Dad swears that depression is anger turned inwards and not let out, not dealt with and no decision/action taken to stop/change the thing that made you angry. Goes something like this, bad thing happens, you feel a lot of emotion about it, one of those emotions is anger, but you know if you let the anger out, further bad things could happen, so you hold it in, hold it in, be good and well-mannered/behaved....... and then you get depressed casue you can't let rip and deal with the original thing that started it all.

    I would agree with JMK and others, but I would also say that this 'waiting ' time could well be another, very normal stage of working through everything that has happened recently. I wouldn't fight it by forcing yourself to find something to keep you busy, but I strongly recommend seeing a doctor or similar, qualified assistance is very, very sound advice. Getting help is not a sign of weakness, but the very opposite.

    Thinking of you.

    Wendy

  14. #13
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    As someone who has spent the last 4+ years going through all that sort of stuff...

    Don't be too hard on yourself - it'll take ~18 months to a few years till you really feel like getting back on track with your life.

    I can recommend mirtazapine as an anti-depressant - it seems to work well (for me at least) and it doesn't stuff around with your sleep like the SSRI's - selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors - can (it increases drowsiness so you take it in the evening, so you actually get a good night's sleep) and it doesn't seem to give that 'wrapped in cotton wool' emotional feeling - it just knocks the really sharp edges off.

    Don't worry that you don't have the self-motivation or goal setting that you are used to having - it'll return, but it takes time as you have to let your personality rework itself.

    Just go with the flow, catch up on some terrible TV programs, read some back issues of Fine Woodworking or other activities that don't really have 'start' or 'finish' points - just accept that you are going to be out of sorts for a while yet and lasting motivation may be hard to come by. Welcome to the womble farm.

    My suggestion for a worthwhile short term goal for you is to get the property settlement and divorce done and settled and given a big rubber stamp by the court; I know that may sound very clinical, but - and I can't stress this enough - it is in your interest, both psychologically and financially, to get your ex out of your life. It may hurt at the time, or not seem worth doing, but see it as a small step on the road to feeling better - get it done and out the way and don't let it hang around like a sore tooth that you don't want to go to the dentist about - a quick bit of drilling now saves a big bucket of pus later!

  15. #14
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    Don't be afraid of the anti-depressants. all the anti hype we hear is just "A current Affair" and "60 minutes" having a slow night. The modern drugs don't make you walk around like a zombi. They don't make you not feel your feelings. The help your mind think straight. and help you deal with things rather than fall in a heep or blow up at everyone, or drive half way across the country. I was even having quite bad memory problems that made me think I was getting altzimers. It was another effect of the depression, which for me took hold after having my son. So go and see a doctor. And go and see a counselor even if you think you know what they will say. Go to a different one if you don't like the first one. ...... They usually do more listening them talking anyway.

    Wishing you well from way over here.
    anne-maria.
    T
    ea Lady

    (White with none)
    Follow my little workshop/gallery on facebook. things of clay and wood.

  16. #15
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    Ding i think I can honestly say "i know how you feel". The photo from the "get together" post shows a bloke with a kid that adores him and whose face is furrowed with worry/confusion.

    This is not something that i particuarly want to talk about but if it helps someone else then so what.

    Although my financial situation was different (no home etc) 11 years ago my wife took off with 3 of the 4 kids (7, 10, 12) and the 14 yo said get knicked i'm staying with dad.

    I was working casual driving trucks - 30 hours one week 60 or 70 the next - I had kids coming to see me, i was working not knowing when i would be home, so i needed to make some decisions. Like you the house and the yard got into a mess, i'd go to see freinds get bored or feel uncomfortable and leave, food tasted sthytehouse, i couldnt find anything to "make me happy". Centrelink, child support etc were in my ear about - you need to pay this, you earnt that - we wont start on them, i could write a book on those bas@#$%$%ts

    So my decision - i had 4 kids and i was going to ensure i finished the job of raising them. I decided that my house would be a sanctuary for them , if they wanted to come over bring freinds or whatever they would always feel comfortable at "their house". (i had seen to many families where the "step' mum or dad wasnt liked)

    My personal life went onto hold, i coached their basketball teams, went to school and listened to them read, barracked at school sports, took them everywhere they wanted to go , made sure they did all the homework etc. it wasnt a big holiday for them it was their dad being their for them whatever/whenever they wanted. After a while the eldest daughter and i cleaned up the house and the yard and food started tasting better, i still didnt know if i was doing it right but the kids werent complaining.

    Next to get Child support off my back (they were sending me broke) i quit my job, went back to uni and became an accountant (para professional). That was 2 years full time that exhausted all remaining funds and saw me sell everything we didnt sit on to get through - living on Austudy isnt easy. (i forgot to mention about the unpaid bills at the start - only about 25% of my annual wage, i had told them they would all get paid and they did - even though i has taken 10 years for the school fees)

    After about 18 months the 11 yo came back to live with me then about 6 months later the 13 yo and the "baby" came every weekend and t 1 night through the week. After about 4 years she also moved back in. The reason for this was they didnt get on with their mothers "boyfreinds" so they eventually all moved back home. I made sure that i didnt criticise their mother to them, it was none of my doing it was totally their decision. Now she's remarried and they only see her about once a month. I have not spoken to her for 10 years, due to child support i had to make sure everything was in writing.

    So what has changed - well 11 years later the "baby" has got her licence all of them have jobs, I still dont have a house (or mortgage), all the debts are finally paid, and i have now given up the "inside" work (the politics in offices -thats yet another book) and i am driving trucks for a living. Yesterday was the first trip in a "b double", that could be alright, a couple of trips interstate weekly

    My personal life is, still no new partner - not sure if i want one - the kids ring me every day, come around every sunday morning at 10 am for bacon & eggs, i have a heap of tools in the shed and i reckon life's not bad. All the good freinds have always been their for me and most helped me without me even knowing it.

    So Ding ol mate, their are no answers, i wouldn't give you 2 bob for a counsellor or phyc, i reckon shyte happens , that's life get over it,

    That is the hand you have been dealt ol son so deal with it. Their are no right and wrong answers just be true to yourself and do what feels right. Family and kids that is the secret. Being one of 6 kids myself and with 4 daughters i know that is where happiness is (and a lathe in the shed - even if its not a VL300) i reckon lifes not bad.

    Hope that helps - that boy is a rippa so go put your life into him. Dont spoil him just be his dad and best mate.

    Try starting what i am now doing - cook bacon & eggs for anyone who wants to come around sunday at 10 am (you need to give some of them time to get out of bed) you might be surprised at the visitors that turn up.

    So endeth the first lesson

    Cheers
    regards

    David


    "Tell him he's dreamin."
    "How's the serenity" (from "The Castle")

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