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Type: Posts; User: Barry Hicks

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    A guy I know who had a lawn like you see in...

    A guy I know who had a lawn like you see in "House
    and Garden" and similar magazines, was having a problem
    with a neighbour's dog that visited every morning and left
    a message on his pristine...
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    Australia's Iron Lady

    While visiting the UK, Julia Gillard was invited to a
    cocktail party which was attended by Margaret
    Thatcher.

    When she saw the ex-prime minister on the other
    side of the room, Julia barged...
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    I'll pay that one, tomartyr!

    I'll pay that one, tomartyr!
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    Now It's My Turn tomartyr

    50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis are not
    stupid" convention. Helen Clark says, "We are all
    here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not
    stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer?"

    A...
  5. Thread: Silky Oak

    by Barry Hicks
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    If you cut the boards into lengths I can fit into...

    If you cut the boards into lengths I can fit into my
    ute, I will take take it away and dump it for you.

    It is lousy burning wood so forget about feeding it
    into your heater.
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    In The Beginning

    In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli,
    cauliflower, spinich and green, yellow and red vegetables
    of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and
    healthy lives.

    Then, abusing...
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    Jake, years ago in Townsville, there was a boat...

    Jake, years ago in Townsville, there was a boat builder
    (Matt Taylor?) in Palmer Street, South Townsville who
    built large wooden boats - fishing trawlers etc. His premises
    were on the bank of...
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    The Frog and Golf

    Allan decided to have a round of golf at the Royal
    Wallan. He is on the second hole when he notices
    a frog at the edge of the green. He is about to shoot
    when he hears, "Ribbit 9 iron."

    Allan...
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    What part of the US is Hinchinbrook in, Wheelin?...

    What part of the US is Hinchinbrook in, Wheelin?

    I didn't know we had Texaco service stations in Oz
    where you could buy gas.
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    In 1923, Who Was.....

    The US version -

    1. President of the largest steel company?
    2. President of the largest gas company?
    3. President of the New York stock exchange?
    4. Greatest wheat speculator?
    5. ...
  11. Perfect Definition - Political Correctness

    Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered
    by a delusional, illogical minority, and
    rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous
    mainstream media, which holds forth the
    proposition that it it entirely...
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    Ten Times Normal Size

    The sixth grade teacher, Mrs Wallan, asked her class,
    "Which part of the human body can grow to ten times it's
    norman size when stimulated?"

    No one answered until little Mary stood and said,...
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    Come on in Molly, the water's fine and there's...

    Come on in Molly, the water's fine and there's very few sharks.
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    I had a look at the car in the toy forum and I...

    I had a look at the car in the toy forum and I would
    have to give it 10/10.
    A full size version wood be great but termites would
    be a worry.
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    Pilots & Air Traffic Controllers #2

    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
    roll out after touching down.
    San Jose Tower: "American 751, make a hard right at the end of
    the runway if you are able. If you...
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    Pilots & Air Traffic Controllers #1

    Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, six miles."
    Delta 351: Give us another hint. We have digital watches."

    Tower: "TWA 234, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees."
    TWA...
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    Kevin The Chicken

    Alan is a poultry farmer. He has thousands of pullets and
    dozens of roosters to fertilise the eggs.

    Naturally, Allan kept performance statistics of his birds and
    any that were'nt performing...
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    Allan'sTrip To The Bigsmoke

    The Wallans recently spent a few days down in
    Melbourne and decided to spoil themselves and
    stay at a flash hotel.

    He said the towels at the hotel were so thick and
    fluffy -
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    Extravagance

    I've just given my wife a lecture on extravagance
    and, believe me, there's going to be some changes. -
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    When I first saw it some years back, it was...

    When I first saw it some years back, it was attributed
    to a US Marine.
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    Revenge Is Sweet

    Allan, who is a very shy kind of guy, was down at his
    local having a quiet drink when he saw a beautiful woman
    sitting alone at the bar.

    Allan gathered his courage and went over to the woman...
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    Allan's Annual Medical

    Allan was having his annual medical examination. The
    doctor pointed to a jar on the shelf and said, "I want
    you to fill that."

    Allan replied, "What! -
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    The Pope And The Rabbi

    This is an oldie but I can't find where it's been done
    in this forum.

    Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Jews had
    to convert to catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge...
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    Apparently there are none, good or bad Neil.

    Apparently there are none, good or bad Neil.
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    Wheelin, I'm probably better off not knowing.

    Wheelin, I'm probably better off not knowing.
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    I use the same brand of wiper blades as you Joe....

    I use the same brand of wiper blades as you Joe.

    They have never failed to tell me when they need
    replacing.
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    Amazing Flying Story

    The most amazing flying story I've ever heard happened
    about five years ago somewhere in South America.

    A hijacker smashed his way onto the flight deck, killed
    both the pilots and then turned...
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    Aviation History

    In 1879, a young man strapped on a pair
    of wings and leapt from the top of the
    Eiffel Tower.

    On that day, two new words were added
    to aviation history:
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    Insanity In The Family?

    Mrs Wallan was talking with her doctor. The
    doctor asks, "Is there any insanity in the
    family?"

    She replied, -
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    Very subtle!

    Very subtle!
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    The Thinking Blonde

    A blonde is driving along a highway and gets a flat.

    She pulls over to the shoulder, alights from the
    car, opens the boot and takes out two cardboard
    men, unfolds them and stands them at the...
  32. Thread: Lawyers

    by Barry Hicks
    Replies
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    1,693

    Lawyers

    Allan the tonsorial artist, had just finished cutting
    the hair of a priest. When the priest went to pay,
    Allan said, "No Father, I can't take your money as
    you do the work of the Lord.

    Next...
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    I looked but I'm not admitting it to you lot.

    I looked but I'm not admitting it to you lot.
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    Leather Gear

    Three women: one engaged, one married and one
    a mistress, are chatting over coffee and the
    conversation turns to their relationships. They
    decided to surprise their men. All three would wear ...
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    As Jim says. I think the only useful part of the...

    As Jim says. I think the only useful part of the
    thing would be the 5x10 packs of discs and then
    only if they were good quality.
  36. Thread: Carob tree

    by Barry Hicks
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    I took a chainsaw to a couple some years back and...

    I took a chainsaw to a couple some years back and
    from memory,the wood was bland white.
  37. Thread: Cotton

    by Barry Hicks
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    I was afraid this was going to be a coarse yarn!

    I was afraid this was going to be a coarse yarn!
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    Computer Problems

    I was having problems with my computer so I
    called Allan, the 11 y.o. kid next door whose
    bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked
    him to come over.

    Allan clicked a few keys and solved...
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    The dreaded doggy shag joke.

    The dreaded doggy shag joke.
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    Lets Start A Fight

    Pick you own polititian-

    An old farmer in the outback was getting his injured
    arm stitched up by a visiting doctor. To make
    conversation, the doctor asked the old bloke what he
    thought of...
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    Southern Gentleman

    After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge,
    a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back
    and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady;
    can I persuade y'all to...
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    The Bible is full of contadictions. First it...

    The Bible is full of contadictions. First it tells
    you to 'love thy neighbour' and then it warns
    you not to 'covert thy neighbour's wife'.

    Apparently it's OK with him but not with her.
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    That's what Adam said to Eve at the end of their...

    That's what Adam said to Eve at the end of their holiday -

    Leaves up, Eve!
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    The Cow From Wallan

    The only cow in the small town of Munruben stopped
    giving milk. The locals did some research and found
    they could buy a cow from Wallan for $200.

    They bought the cow and found it was a...
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    Died In His Sleep

    Wheelin came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside
    his sleeping wife and fell into a deep sleep.

    He woke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,
    "You died in your sleep Wheelin."
    ...
  46. Thread: Lsd

    by Barry Hicks
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    1,099

    I'm not going there Wheelin!

    I'm not going there Wheelin!
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    Sorry Joe, can't find the email joke with the...

    Sorry Joe, can't find the email joke with the picture
    of the offending garment and the scientist with the
    bejasus beaten out of him.

    Some kind sole out there must have it?
  48. Thread: Lsd

    by Barry Hicks
    Replies
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    1,099

    Lsd

    A younger woodie asks his grandma, "Have you
    seen my pills, they are marked LSD?"

    Grandma replies, "Damn your pills -
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    You left out the photo of the beaten-up scientist...

    You left out the photo of the beaten-up scientist that
    goes with that one Joe.
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    Holy snapping duck-sh*t. That is a BIG band saw!...

    Holy snapping duck-sh*t. That is a BIG band saw!
    You will black out half the town when you fire it up.
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