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Type: Posts; User: KBs PensNmore

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    Australian Visa Requirements

    London bloke fronts up to Australia House in London, to get a visa to visit his family over here in Australia.


    Bloke behind the counter asks "Do you have a criminal record?"


    Pommy bloke...
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    Use the long one, a lot less effort required, for...

    Use the long one, a lot less effort required, for the same results.:D
    Kryn
  3. Great Response Awards: Old but Good !

    These awards will bring a smile to your face.
    NUMBER 1:


    If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defence...
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    Grandfather of the year

    A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson.
    He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.

    The grandfather...
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    Men jokes by Women

    One day my housework-challenged Husband decided to wash his
    Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted
    to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
    'It...
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    Blonde Joke

    Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Sydney Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops,...
  7. Thread: Quickies

    by KBs PensNmore
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    A lady who used to do my bookwork, said that she...

    A lady who used to do my bookwork, said that she called her husband Victa.
    I asked her why, she replied 2 stokes and it was over.
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    My Daughter

    A man was telling his mate over coffee, "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, do not pay off my college tuition loan, cancel my...
  9. Thread: Contest

    by KBs PensNmore
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    Contest

    Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are out for a walk,

    Soon they come across a sign that says, Contest for the Worlds most Beautiful Woman.

    "I'm going to enter say Snow White, half an hour...
  10. Thread: Snowman

    by KBs PensNmore
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    Snowman

    8:00 am: I made a snowman.


    8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.


    8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.


    8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the...
  11. Thread: Quickies

    by KBs PensNmore
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    Quickies

    Low Battery: A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man...
  12. Thread: Adoption

    by KBs PensNmore
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    Adoption

    A husband and wife, who work for a circus went to an agency to adopt a child, but social workers raised doubt about their suitability:

    So the couple produced photos of their motorhome, which was...
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    Boss called ...

    My boss phoned me today.


    He said, "Is everything okay at the office?


    I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."


    "Can you do me a favour?" he...
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    Politician visits a primary school

    A politician visits a primary school to speak to the children…

    During class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a ‘tragedy’.

    Kevin raises his hand first and offers, “If...
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    Sick Husband

    A farmer is not feeling well, so his wife takes him to the doctor’s office… After the doctor examines him, the doctor calls the farmer’s wife in to talk to her alone.


    She asks, “Is my husband...
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    Scotch with two drops of water

    An old woman walks up to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water…


    As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday...
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    Peace and Quiet

    While SWMBO was cooking dinner, I got asked for peace and quiet,
    so I took down the smoke detector.
    I should be out of hospital in a couple of months,
    Doctor says there shouldn't be too much...
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    A couple of Knock Knock jokes

    Knock knock,
    Who's there?
    Wanna tish.
    Wanna tish who?
    No thanks, I don't need to blow my nose.

    Knock knock,
    Who's there?
    I need a.
    I need a who?
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    Did yours walk around with their knuckles...

    Did yours walk around with their knuckles dragging on the ground?? I call them Neanderthals,


    Q, Why do you see a lot of people walking around with head phones on????
    A, It's connected to their...
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    Inteligence?

    533620
  21. MEDICAL EXAMS ... actual physician experiences.

    1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. ...
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    Ponderances

    •Still trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.

    •Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one,...
  23. Ahhhhh The Wisdom of the Ages........

    Ahhhhh The Wisdom of the Ages........


    A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

    ...
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    Your Yearly Dementia Test

    Your Yearly Dementia Test! (only 4 questions this year)


    This one has some different questions than last year.


    Yep, it's that time of year again for us to take our annual senior citizen...
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    I know similar was submitted about 6 years ago,...

    I know similar was submitted about 6 years ago, but there are some new ones in there.
    Kryn
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    Lexophile

    Although not in the dictionary, it is reported that "Lexophile" describes a person who loves sentences such as, "You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," and, "To write with a broken pencil is...
  27. Thread: Irish?

    by KBs PensNmore
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    Irish?

    Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub, watching the Tour de France on TV.


    Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi do they do that ?"


    "Do what ?" asked Mick.


    "Go on them boikes for moiles...
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    Duck Shooting

    An old farmer went duck shooting one day in South Australia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the back of his utility and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden...
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    Prescription

    A man come home from the Doctors Surgery,
    The wife asks "How did it go?"
    He replies with a grin, "I have to have Daily Sex!"
    The wife asks, "What?"
    He replies, "I have to have Daily Sex!"
    The...
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    Mature Aged Couple

    A mature aged couple began courting, with a view to marriage.

    After some time, she allowed him to stay overnight.

    As they were preparing for bed, she started removing her hearing aids,

    her...
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    What do you call 100 politicians at the bottom of...

    What do you call 100 politicians at the bottom of the ocean????
    A bloody good start.

    How do you know when a politician is lying??
    When he opens his mouth.
  32. Thread: Gun Dog

    by KBs PensNmore
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    Gun Dog

    An avid duck hunter decided to get a new gun dog, so he searches far and wide,
    eventually getting himself the dog.

    He takes it out duck hunting to see how the dog goes,
    a flock of ducks fly...
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    Ex Marine Sergeant Teacher

    A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps, took on a new job as a High School teacher.
    Just before the School Year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper...
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    Some profound political thoughts

    If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.


    ~Jay Leno~

    The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
    ~Henry Cate, VII~

    We hang the petty thieves and appoint the...
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    Life in the Australian Army...

    Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small semi-desert town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )



    ...
  36. Thread: Eternity

    by KBs PensNmore
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    Eternity

    A man goes to a Rabbi, and says; "I have a strong desire to live forever. What can I do about that?"
    "Get married" replies the Rabbi.
    "And will I live forever?"
    "No, but the desire will soon...
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    Just make sure that the seat has no splintered...

    Just make sure that the seat has no splintered edges and is WELL sanded, it could be painful otherwise. DAMHIKT:D
    Kryn
  38. Where do these people hide when they're not on vacation?

    Got this in an email and thought I'd share.

    THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

    1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to...
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    The Golfing Minister

    A Minister who LOVES his golf, goes out practically every day to play a few rounds of Golf.
    One Sunday Morning, he wakes up and it's a perfect day,
    no breeze, wind or clouds, just a beautiful blue...
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    God and Adam

    God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me."

    Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?"

    God said, "Go down Into that Valley."

    Adam said, "What's a valley?"

    God...
  41. Thread: Marriage

    by KBs PensNmore
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    Marriage

    Before Marriage
    HE, Ah....At last. I can hardly wait.....
    SHE, Do you want me to leave...?
    HE, No...! Don't even think about it.
    SHE, Do you love me....?
    HE, Of...
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    God has a sense of humor

    A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.


    She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication,


    got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.


    The woman found an...
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    Magic Trick

    A Kiwi and an Australian go to a pastry shop.

    The Kiwi whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.

    The baker doesn’t notice.

    The Kiwi says to the Australian: "You see how...
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    Hospital Bill

    A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.


    The store clerks called an ambulance when they saw him collapse to the floor.

    The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest...
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    You're right H, we're still the lucky country,...

    You're right H, we're still the lucky country, LUCKY we still OWN some of it:D
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    The Postman

    A postman had been working all day in the pouring rain he was almost finished apart from one last letter he had to deliver,


    he had to take it two miles down a small country road, by the time he...
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    Medical Advancements

    An Israeli doctor says; “In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a mans testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work”.


    The German doctor says;” That’s...
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    Faith Healer

    Paddy says to Mick how did you get on at that faith healing group last night??
    Mick replies "He was absolute ,
    even the bloke in the wheelchair got up and walked out!!!"
  49. Thread: Wife!!!

    by KBs PensNmore
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    Wife!!!

    My work had a function to where everyone was invited, including partners.
    Having introduced my partner to everyone, I left to get a drink for us.
    The Office lady was talking to my partner, and...
  50. GOING TO: Annual Holiday any Pick Ups or Deliveries, Adelaide-Sydney-Tamworth-Melbourne

    Looking at taking my Holidays in the next couple of weeks, from Adelaide heading to Sydney, Tamworth and then to Melbourne and back to Adelaide. Will be leaving this Thursday 22nd June
    Wondering if...
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