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The Blacksmith was working in his forge one day in the highlands when he heard the skirl of the pipes.
He looked out and saw, over the far hill, the brave sight of a Piper in full Regimental...

It is based on a story told by Gerard Hoffnung, a brilliant comedian and musician, some years ago. I have a recording of it somewhere and i still laugh myself silly when I play it.

Many years ago, I had a friend who had an old A model Ford and when it broke down, he replaced the piston with one which he turned out of Redgum. It ran for years without problems.

Julia Gillard, her minder and a driver were outback somewhere when a Roo jumped out and trashed the car.
The minder said, 'There's no phone linkage here, but I did notice a small place a mile or so...

Not sure if I have shown this before, but if so, please ignore- otherwise enjoy.
It's not really a joke, but I don't know where else to put it

THE CHIPPIES REQUEST

Ash and Beech and Oak and...

Many years ago, It was two nights before Christmas and Santa was not happy!
The reindeer had been fighting and Rudolph had copped a punch on the nose which put his lights out, the elves were talking...

Joe,
With regard to your remarks about June Factor, The Opies, Iona nd Peter, are renowned for their books on children and their rhymes etc. Specifically, 'The Lore And Language Of Schoolchildren'....

No Speak English

A Russian woman married an Australian man and got along fine, although she could not speak English,
One day, she went shopping and went into the butchers, She wanted Chicken...

My English teacher used to say, "Why do you choose such dull books to be read to out of from for? or
"Never use a preposition to end a sentence with!"

No. 1. I think this may have been on before, but may be worth repeating:-
A frog walked into a bank and went to teller who'se name tag said, 'Miss Patricia Whack'. He said, "Excuse me miss. I wold...

Hallo Mark,
Re. Long Casr Clock, try contacting 'Nine Fingers' on this site. He is something of an expert in the subject, having made severeal with superb workmanship.
Good luck.
Dennis.
P,s....

Thank you, Terry,
Yes, that sounds just the ticket. I don't know where I can get a copy, but at least I now know what to ask for.
Dennis.

Hullo, Carvers,
I am hoping you can help me; I am more of a turner myself, but my son-in-law has become interested in carving and, as it is his birthday in a couple of days time, I decided to get...

COGITO ERGO SUM*
One of the many joys of the 'Golden Years' is a chronic recurring backache, which sometimes even wakes me at night. Fortunately, however, my doctor has given me some medication...

This just reminded me of the limerick:

An anorexic, named Tipping,
Got all hot and sweaty from skipping,
So she stripped off her gear,
And jumped in the weir,
This inventing the term 'Skinny...

This is a very old one, but good, (like me) and I haven;t seen it here before:

A bikie on a big powerful bike was carrying his blonde girlfriend on the back, when he remembered that he wanted to...

What I was advised to do is to first weigh it carefully, put it on low power for no more than a minute, then take it out and let it cool and weigh it again. keep doing this until it no longer loses...

O.K. Pouf! Up you popped!

A couple in their early sixties were celebrating their fortieth Anniversary at a dinner, when Pouf!, a beautiful Fairy appeared and said, "As you have been such an exemplary loving couple, I am...

This is an oldie, which will probably go straight to the orange room

A woman says to her doctor, "My husband is losing interest in me. What can I do"
The doctor gives her a small bottle of...

NORM IN THE NORTH (2nd try)

Norm travelled to the far, bright North,
For years he'd had the wish
To try those shining waters,
For Norm, he loved to fish.

Arrived, he went down to the pub...

Away off to the horth of the Scottish mainland, in the middle of the North Sea, there are a number of islands with names like Eigh and Huisht. and one of these small, rocky islands was well known for...

If you don't mind a little hi-jack, I felt I must tell you a true story. Many years ago, I went out to a cafe with friends, for a meal. We had, I must admit, been indulging ina couple of Guinesses,...

Thanks for all the answers, fellas, I will try some of your suggestions and see what happens.
Dennis.

I am not an instrument maker, but I tried, just for fun really, to make a sort of Dulcimer- ( I think it's called). It has six strings for which I used Gut Guitar strings threaded through the head in...

Yep, I checked all that. Everything appears to be in order, cookies etc and correct O.S. Password, but it still refuses to let me in. It continues to say, 'the password you entered is incorrect'

No, I checked the cookies. Still no joy

Many years ago I was in a garage workshop watching some mechanics working on a car they were restoring. It was nearly finished and the,very experienced, head mechanic started to fit the new number...

Some time ago I started, for no known reason, having difficulty in opening the Forum. I asked Neil and he suggested trying Mozilla Firefox as my default internet browser. I did and it worked, but--...

A method I have used for similar work is simply to use a centre punch with a large face. The point holds the punch in place when you hit it. It depends a bit on how hard the old nails are, but you...

Is that the same as the prostitute who found herself working in a warehouse?

I am a writer and poet manque and I use a fountain pen most of the time. I love the feel of it. I have a gold Parker 51 which I was given by my parents for my 21st birthday- (Check my age)- and it is...

Ergonomic Diarrhoea!

G'day, Yonee, My name is Dennis and I've been around for quiite a while- A Hell of a long time really-
I just wanted to say, 'Bit of a 'hard man', are you?
Think yourself lucky! I knew a girl...

Then, when you get outside, you shout and shout until you are hoarse, jump oon the horse, ride away and are never seen again- we hope...

Thanks for the laugh, D.D.
It reminded me of a time, many years ago, when i went to a building site to ask the foreman if there was any fear of a job on his site. While we were talking, someone on a...

Beauty! I took this a couple of years ago from my back door. Like you, I went out and it topok me by surprise.

The other night, I found a bottle in the cupboard which I don't remember buying. It was a cab/sauv from Grant Burge called Nebuchadnezar (I kid you not!), and I thought I would try it.
Well, after a...

A very interesting concept. Looking at your thread, i was reminded of when I visited the house of Flynn, of 'Flying Doctor' fame. His house was built some time in the twenties or thirties, (I stand...

Sorry, this the bestI can do.
Nothing small enough to see properly, I'm afraid.
D.

I once made an ordinary slimline pen -one of the first I tried- from a piece of old Lemon wood. It polished up almost indistinguishable from ivory! I was very pleased and thought I must do some more...

I don't know if this is the righr place to put this- no suggestions please_ but here goes.

I must reply to that.
Years ago, I worked in a joinery shop which had, for a next door neighbour, a car crash repairer. He had, of course, a spray painting booth in the shop, and there was a small...

Some years ago, I made a vanitory top for the bathroom out of an old hardwood door. It came up quite well and I finished it with a good quality Marine varnish, which was quite satisfactory.
Over...

Just thought I would mention that my grandfather and my father both smoked thick, black shag tobacco all their lives; Grandad died three weeks short of his hundredth birthday and my father drank...

[And they reckon we're a weird mob. Nup we're probably one of the few countries that actually speaks and Writes English (as an entire nation) the way it should be, including the English themselves...

2nd try at reply.
I just found this discussion as I had finished a bit of verse for a U.K.Magazine and it seemed relevant to this thread. Anyway, here it is for what it's worth. (If it works this...

Hallo, Yogi,
I am in Geelong and i am udsing some redgum at the moment, to make some Chef's Stations, pic attached. I am definitely interested. Where are you> Mobile?
Let me know and I wil give you...

Help.
I have been searching for an hour and I can't find the thread in which someone showed Bill Gates' rules for kids. I thought they were very good, and was going to send them on to friends, but...

I didn't know where to put this so opted for here. I suppose it's sort of a joke...
THE CHIPPY'S LAMENT

Ash and beech and Oak and Lime,
I've worked most timbers in my time;
Morticed,...