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RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER


1. GET A JOB

2. UNDERSTAND I DON'T LIKE YOU

3. I'M EVERYWHERE

4. YOU HURT HER, I HURT YOU

Last year, my mate upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space;...

A carpenter was positioning a nail and told his assistant "when I nod my head, you hit it"
Well you know the rest....

Redhead goes to her GP, complaining of pains all over her body.
Demonstrates by touching her nose, forehead, neck, arms, torso and legs.Shrieks of agony at each touch.
GP looks at her and says...

A man in London walked into the produce section of hislocal Tesco's supermarket & asked for half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of...

On first sighting, I thought it was a 19th century torture instrument. :o

The mulga grinder looks good to me. I reckon it has character with the "off the tool" look :2tsup:

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Crown Lager and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
<O:p<O:p...

A young ventriloquist is touring <st1:country-region w:st="on"><ST1:pSweden</ST1:p</st1:country-region> and one night he's doing a show in a small fishing town.
<O:p<O:pWith his dummy on his knee,...

GOD:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a...

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually....

Mr M'Baz Es-Hari,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the...

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Ferrari 458 Speciale in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely...

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said Thyroid problem?

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way so I...

1) Why does the gynaecologist leave the room when his patient gets undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women...

A woman sitting in a restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Harry and Jimmie sitting at the next table turned to...

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from <ST1:pSydney to L.A
<O:p</O:p
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, <O:p'If big dogs have baby dogs...

Some people claim there's little difference between the words COMPLETE and FINISHED, but here's an easy-to-understand example of how they differ.
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE....

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and
everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed,...

Bruce decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to <ST1:pParis</ST1:C :frflag:to see what he could find.
After arriving in <ST1:pParis </ST1:Che visited with some...

Like the design of that one......:2tsup:

Onya Chris:2tsup: Amazing craftsmanship. I'm in the market for a chess set, especially hand crafted from beautiful aussie timbers. Let me know if you wish to sell a set.

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it......even if you don't understand binary notation, quantum physics, algeraba or can't spell....:biggrin2:

I...

Who said "crime doesn't pay". All I know is that being a victim of crime costs and costs and costs.
Right now on the Gold Coast, crime is at unprecedent levels and growing...and I mean in a big...

Old fence posts.......who would of thought....... I like it. :2tsup:

Great looking image on the branding iron. One of a kind and easily identifiable.:2tsup:

I reckon the air violin will be a top seller......Ha Ha:violin:

The three pointed bowel does it for me. :thumbup1:

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail...

I saw this in <ST1:pRome</ST1:C three years ago outside a doctor's consulting rooms where he was described as
'Specialist in women and other diseases.' <O:p

Men at 25 play football;

Men at 40 play tennis;

Men at 60 play golf;

Have you noticed that as you get older, your balls get smaller :console:

In my local hardware store on the paint counter -

"Please note...
NEW STORE POLICY
Husbands/boyfriends must have a signed letter of permission when buying or choosing paint colours
Thank...

The vase is stunning just the way it is. :kewlpics:

Stumbling across something as good as that......some blokes have all the luck :thumbup1:

Saint Patrick’s Church has added another baptismal fountain at the south wing. It will now be possible to baptize infants at both ends. :shrug:

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $30, blow this, I thought, I can get one...

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on...

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old league players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'
<O:p
The little boy nodded in the...

<o:p<o:p<o:p<o:p<o:p<o:pThe government just issued a warning that anyone traveling in icy or blizzard conditions should take:
- Shovel and blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including scarf,...

:iagree:
fletty hit the nail on the head. Always works for me...lovely, shinny and smooth.

Great looking box. The huon pine is classy. Good ol' shellac finish too :2tsup:

Looking forward to the pilot. :2tsup:

Looks like a winner to get this far.

:whs:

The Surian cedar looks great :2tsup:...... SWMBO will be pleased.

The taxman decides to audit Robo, and summons him to the tax office. The tax auditor is not surprised when Robo shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant...

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband. For example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs...

Everyone ought to try meditation sometime (after all, it's better than sitting around doing nothing.) :hmm:

An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.
Then he un-wrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife.
He next...

An elderly pensioner wanted to dig his potato plot as he had done for many years, but his arthritis was causing him such a great deal of pain and it was proving impossible for him to do so.
His...

Just so you know, the inside has to be bigger than the outside. I have no doubt that you too have the sonic screwdriver (chisel) to make it happen.

Love your work. Masterpieces! :brava