Thanks Thanks:  0
Likes Likes:  0
Needs Pictures Needs Pictures:  0
Picture(s) thanks Picture(s) thanks:  0
Results 1 to 15 of 15

Thread: Oil Change

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Werribee, Vic
    Age
    66
    Posts
    2,528

    Default Oil Change

    Oil Change instructions for Women:
    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
    last oil change.
    2) Drink a cup of coffee.
    3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
    vehicle.

    Money spent:
    Oil Change $20.00
    Coffee $1.00
    Total $21.00 ================================================== ========

    Oil Change instructions for Men:
    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
    filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
    $50.00.
    2) Stop by the store and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive
    home.
    3) Open a beer and drink it.
    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7) Place drain pan under engine.
    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10) Unscrew drain plug.
    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
    Cuss.
    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
    kitty litter on spilled oil.
    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
    and twist off.
    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
    everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
    can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
    Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
    door opener.
    18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."Drag
    pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
    in back yard instead of taking it back to the auto parts store to recycle.
    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
    20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
    21) Walk to store to buy beer.
    22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
    gasket surface.
    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
    along with drain plug.
    27) Drink beer.
    28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.? Re-shovel oily
    dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily
    patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
    lawnmower gas.
    29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
    kitty litter on oil spill.
    30) Drink beer.
    31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.? Wipe eyes with oily
    rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
    tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
    32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
    33) Begin cussing fit.
    34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
    36) Beer.
    37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood
    flow.
    38) Beer.
    39) Beer.
    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    41) Beer.
    42) Lower car from jack stands.
    43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
    steps 23 - 43.
    45) Beer.
    46) Test drive car.
    47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    48) Car gets impounded.
    49) Call loving wife, make bail.
    50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent:

    Parts $50.00
    DUI $2500.00
    Impound fee $75.00
    Bail $1500.00
    Beer $40.00
    Total - - $4,165.00

    But you know the job was done right!

  2. # ADS
    Google Adsense Advertisement
    Join Date
    Always
    Location
    Advertising world
    Age
    2010
    Posts
    Many





     
  3. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2000
    Location
    Drop Bear Capital of Gippsland (Lang Lang) Vic Australia
    Age
    74
    Posts
    6,518

    Default

    Sounds fair to me
    Stupidity kills. Absolute stupidity kills absolutely.

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Werribee, Vic
    Age
    66
    Posts
    2,528

    Default

    yep, see all the fun the females miss?

    All except the girls on here, lol, they would do it our way........

  5. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    The Fabulous Gold-plated Coast.
    Age
    69
    Posts
    3,925

    Default

    There's something missing. I think I would attempt at least one more injury. Also, at some point, bang forehead on chassis of car, recoil back of head into cement floor;repeat three cycles.

    Finally, leave dandy Snap-On screwdriver, one of a set, under bonnet during test drive. It will be a green handled one, the kind they don't make anymore.
    It will go from under bonnet to somewhere in the asteroid belt instantly.
    Please, DAMHIKT.

  6. #5
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Newcastle
    Age
    72
    Posts
    3,363

    Default

    no new washer on drain plug.........wonder if it leaks :confused:
    Ashore




    The trouble with life is there's no background music.

  7. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    East Bentleigh, Melbourne, Vic
    Age
    68
    Posts
    4,494

    Default

    It's only a little Hoyota that takes just 3 quarts, so the 10 quarts poured in causes engine to have a spasm, lock solid - and dump 8 quarts on the highway.

    New engine: $12,000
    Environmental penalty: $2,500


    Those guys in the lube shops never use the right oil anyway. Right? Right? Pleeeeaaaasseee?

  8. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    East Bentleigh, Melbourne, Vic
    Age
    68
    Posts
    4,494

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Ashore
    no new washer on drain plug.........wonder if it leaks :confused:
    Hey Ashore,

    Just noticed - been decorating your Avatar again? (or maybe I'm just not very observant...)

  9. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    The Fabulous Gold-plated Coast.
    Age
    69
    Posts
    3,925

    Default Here's how professionals do a triple oil change.

    :eek: :eek:

    http://www.ntsb.gov/publictn/1984/AAR8404.htm

    The short story of missing O-rings and maximum pucker power...

  10. #9
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Newcastle
    Age
    72
    Posts
    3,363

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Auld Bassoon
    Hey Ashore,

    Just noticed - been decorating your Avatar again? (or maybe I'm just not very observant...)
    No just got brown goodie spots from a moderator a while back


    About 3 months ago glad to see you are up to date .......ie the first to notice

    can't give you green system won't allow
    Ashore




    The trouble with life is there's no background music.

  11. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Japan。
    Age
    49
    Posts
    1,622

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by gregoryq
    Finally, leave dandy Snap-On screwdriver, one of a set, under bonnet during test drive. It will be a green handled one, the kind they don't make anymore.
    It will go from under bonnet to somewhere in the asteroid belt instantly.
    Please, DAMHIKT.

    You know why that happened?

    Because it was a nice snap on screwdriver.


    True story, long time ago.

    Was at a mate's place fooling around with cars and misplaced my set of work pliers. New ones too, Channelocks and all. Wrote them off and got a new pair. :mad:

    About 3 months later, said car gets stolen, and another 2 weeks later recovered with no damage, aside from a few busted locks. Dad's a locksmith so no troubles there. Also decided we could fit an alarm to the old beasty.

    Grab the now oldish replacement pliers and some screwdrivers to try and get the alarm in there, and what do we find on the radiator support panel?

    A slightly dusty, but otherwise brand new pair of Channelock pliers... :eek:

    Pretty happy about that was I.

  12. #11
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    South Oz, the big smokey bit in the middle
    Age
    67
    Posts
    4,377

    Default

    Was tightening the exhaust flange on a girlfriend's Morris 1100 back in the eighties (a common job). Dropped the spanner (a common problem with that job). It slid behind the firewall (the only place it can go) which in the Morris 1100 is a sheet of tin about half an inch in front of the back of the engine bay and full of grease, dirt, etc. Being an ikey sort of bugger, I got a piece of wire and started fishing for my spanner - I got three out before I retrieved mine And guess what, they were all the right size to do the exhaust flange

    Richard

  13. #12
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    The Fabulous Gold-plated Coast.
    Age
    69
    Posts
    3,925

    Default

    When I was a teenager I did a similar job on my 1963 Pontiac main battle tank. I broke one of the studs off the exhaust manifold. I was in a real hurry to go a-courtin', so I clamped an el cheapo pair of vice grips to the assembly in place of a stud and nut. They rusted on there nicely, and were still in place three years later when the car succumbed to another of my 'repairs'.

    I have improved, but my most valuable tool is one of those stout magnets on a telescoping rod.

    Greg

  14. #13
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Werribee, Vic
    Age
    66
    Posts
    2,528

    Default

    Good work Greg, which brand of chewing gum provided the best grip for your other repairs????????????????????

  15. #14
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    The Fabulous Gold-plated Coast.
    Age
    69
    Posts
    3,925

    Default

    For a sealant, I always liked "Double Bubble", complete with it's entertaining and insightful 'Bazooka Joe' comic.

    Like everything else, they don't make gum like that anymore

  16. #15
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Werribee, Vic
    Age
    66
    Posts
    2,528

    Default

    My preference was Black Cat lol. Had a nice finish........

Similar Threads

  1. camellia oil
    By white100 in forum WOODTURNING - GENERAL
    Replies: 25
    Last Post: 24th January 2013, 02:30 PM
  2. Peak Oil
    By Grunt in forum NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH WOODWORK
    Replies: 18
    Last Post: 9th December 2005, 02:15 PM
  3. Danish oil: wiping off leaves streaks?
    By jur in forum FINISHING
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 28th October 2004, 07:05 PM
  4. Tung Oil or........????
    By vsquizz in forum FINISHING
    Replies: 45
    Last Post: 17th September 2004, 01:18 PM
  5. Oil change
    By Iain in forum WOODIES JOKES
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 1st November 2001, 06:56 PM

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •