The search for meaning...

[Pops]

Hi Shane,

Well ol' mate, I empathise, as do many others here. Don't have any magic answers for you, probably because there are no magic cures to get one feeling on top of the world again.

Don't want to tell you what to do, 'you have to do this or do that' but one thing I can say is, the person you need to focus on looking after is YOU !! And I mean for the future as well. So if you can look after yourself in regard to the things you can control, like perhaps keeping the house, keeping a place you can call yours might be a good idea. Trying to buy a place in a few years might be a lot more difficult. Just a thought.

How else to look after yourself? Stay here with us, your forum friends. Come along to the next get-together, we all enjoy your company.

Hang in there mate. There are people that care about you.

Cheers
Pops

[Wild Dingo]

Cheers people... seriously thanks for the words.

I wont use drugs to get through this simply past experience seeing what theyve done to others in similar situations and me personally I just dont like the thought of having my mind altered by substances... and that includes alcohol although I enjoy a quiet social drink.

Sell the house? yes its the major thought just now actually has been for sometime even before she left it was a major thought... I can see the "rightness" of trying to hang onto it 1) investment wise hanging on to it is the best thing to do 2) its a small easily managed mortgage be paid off in 8 years 3) I wont easily replace this place of 4x1 on 2 lush acres with all year round creek and a nice shed 4) the improvements paint etc Ive done have made it a lot better to live in

On the other side... I just cant seem to stop seeing smelling hearing and expecting her to be here... even though Ive now taken everything that relates to her out of the place she is still here... I cant seem to do a damned thing wood related in the shed... Im bloody unhappy here 9 10ths of the time... just every now and then I see it for what it is a comfortable albeit small house with land that is very furtile and everything I personally wanted to achieve home wise... but majority of the time Im not at all happy from the time I turn into the driveway

So Im in a bit of a bind re sell or not sell

Re doing something else... I know the truck driving machine operating thing is only a short term thing as my knees are totaled and need replacements and I have arthritis in both... I have considered studying but financially I cant afford it as things stand... and its considered my "career" path as far as the bank goes and therefore by going back to it has made it easy for me to get the loan to sort the assets...

Once done I intend to do something easier on my bod... What Id REALLY like to do is to write and hence my present thinking.

1) hang tough with the house until its all sorted then sell up everything minimize economize and prioritize everything.
2) rent a place for 6 months as a base camp
3) Buy a mobile home that has beds for the kids and is a home rather than a caravan... make a trailer big enough for the 4x a small boat on top and a workshop at the front... make the back two bins into slide out areas for things like bandsaws small table saw and timber veneer storage
4) Buy a good laptop decent movie camera and still one.

Then invest the majority of whatever comes from the sell up (This should be a substantial deposit if I decide to buy again down the track) and find a good spot somewhere and take a few months to a year and just write... then publish whatever Ive written... taking photos and doing a travel type (using my natural Aussie not the bullshyte no accent that most use!!) docos... work when I have to or to rebuild the bank account without touching the invested.

This appeals so much just now... basically the thought of being totally debt free and able to do what I want to do without having to worry about anyone else but able to have the nippers with me enjoying that same freedom just really appeals after all this time struggling and working my ???? of trying to make ends meet and a good life for us all...

I guess Im having serious trouble being here thats all.

Josh is a great kid and increadibly sensitive to how I am! Couldnt believe how when we left Dereks the other day and I told him I was sorry Id had to leave he just nodded and said "no worries dad you have other things on your mind I dont mind it was good anyway" great kid.

The others? Well I know they all care and love me I know that without a doubt... even the ones who dont talk to me or refuse to aknowledge I exist still love me... they like me are struggling to come to terms with the whole family crash and burn and dont know who to blame or be with her or me... I dont have a problem either way and know that one day I will be dad again until they come back I will just be dad and wait.

No there arent any cure alls out there no majik wands or ways of helping... but rather than walk in silence and try on my own to get through this thing I am taking the hands of friendship that are offered here and holding on like grim death!!

I no longer blame her for whats happened... we both caused it... and so I accept my half of the blame if blames to be laid... but I saw a saying the other day at the mortgage brokers "One is never defeated until they start blaming someone else" and it made perfect sence.

So Im trying a few things to keep me going from day to day... sometimes they work sometimes they dont but most of the time I dont belt myself over the head with a mallet if they dont... just quietly exit stage left and take my time with myself... sometimes I find I need other people around me and others I find solitude best... just not here!

Thanks for all the words and encouragement.

Cheers
Shane

[tea lady]

That list of what to do sounds like a good one. Writing will make good use of those typing skills. Don't worry about trying to work out why. No one would do anything if we had to work out why first.

And just another little thing. Don't think about it at someone or both of you caused anything. It just happened. And it doesn't help to blame anyone or everyone Or no one.

Best wishes.

[Wild Dingo]

That list of what to do sounds like a good one. Writing will make good use of those typing skills. Don't worry about trying to work out why. No one would do anything if we had to work out why first.

And just another little thing. Don't think about it at someone or both of you caused anything. It just happened. And it doesn't help to blame anyone or everyone Or no one.

Best wishes.

Thats my thinking tea lady... it happened god alone knows how or why it just did over time I guess but regardless it happened.

I spent the first 6 months wondering and blaming myself and her... but now I guess thats pretty pointless and doesnt help matters for me at all.

Yes Ive been thinking of the writing for some time now... having already written a number of "books" including a 600,000 word trilogy and 8 childrens books along with a pile of odes and poems over the years... and yet Ive never even really tried to purposely sit down to write a "book" or story they just happen... or even try to get published... and I believe I should... no need to try to work out why words just seem to come from the head to the fingers in a constant stream once I begin.

Ive avoided it for the last 4 years due to the "trilogy" which found me believing the old adage that writers live precariously close to the edge of the line of insanity... a shocking thing writing that 3 months straight in front of the screen night and day around the clock it was like a possession to follow through with what was coming constantly... like a life I had no choice but to get down NOW.

But Ive no fear of that now... I actually look forward to it.

But thats not for awhile yet other things must be taken care of first and formost and then... life will be whatever I choose to make it be.

HEY!! When I had a yarn to Greame "Bookend" at Dereks the other day he made a comment that sorta struck a chord with me... apparently some blokes he knew who had gone through a similar thing joined a dance school... yeah I sorta rolled me eyesockets too... but thinking about it when I was a nipper dancing was one of my best subjects at school and even did some after when I joined a boxing club the coach demanded I keep dancing... but I havent done it since I was about 17... so presently Im looking around Bunbury to see if theres a school or club I can join... no NOT ballet!! Me in tights?? GOD FORBID!!.. no waltzes and such nothing like a nice waltz

Presently Im just rolling with ideas and options... and seeing what comes.

No blame I really honestly wish her the absolute best in life and all the happiness she can find.

Cheers
Shane

[tea lady]

An old friend of mine took up dancing too after his break up. Gets you out of the house and out of your own thoughts for a while. And social contact, and you've got something to do rather than thinking of something to say. He now trecks off to all the samba and tango bars in Melbourne. (And when you're a bloke doing dancing you ain't short of willing partners. ) (For dancing.......)

[Andy Mac]

Some good responses here Shane, from people who want to see you get back to the old Wild Dingo we know and love!
I can't offer any advice, except to say (from experiencing depression in the past) it feeds off inaction. Do something, a little thing, and get satisfaction from that. Little steps and recognise them. If your yard is a shambles and everytime you look out the window at the whole disaster, it defeats you. Get out there with a weed picker and remove a metre of weeds from you back door. Another day, move to the next metre, and keep chipping away at it.
Extend the weeding action into you life. I agree with what was said by someone before, maybe the time has come to make a legal and financial seperation with your ex. Doesn't sound like you'll be able to move on without a cut and dried result.
BTW, was good to see your rugged handsome dial (and your son's) in photos at Derek's GTG!

Take care mate.

[Wild Dingo]

mmmm disaster? mmmm more like well a catastrophy!! god I went out there today wandered around the entire 2 acres... got lost twice!!... Out at the place where I have a large stack of logs you cant see them!!! TOTALLY OUT OF SIGHT behind the weeds Seriously in some places theyre over 7ft tall out there...

Down at the creek I almost fell in!! simply cause its sooooo overgrown that the reeds hide the thing!! reeds and kykyu (sp) grass is so thick and long the bank is obscured totally

I started thinking that maybe just maybe I should do something about it when I invited the kids over for a barbie the other night and had no choice but to set it up under the carport... usually this gives a great veiw of the creek... but mmmm weeds almost to the roof surround it!!! was a strange sensation actually sitting there with weeds up to the roof all round

Yep think I better get the whipper snipper arced up tomorrow and make a start

But I think Ive finally resolved my guilt with the shed/woodworking... I posted what happened today up in general woodwork but sufficed to say MUSIC doth in fact soothe the raging beast and gets the foots tappin the mind a snappin an things a crackin

As for the search for meaning... well there simply is no meaning in whats happened it just has... no need for blame either way really simple fact we allowed it to happen and did nothing to stop it... both our faults if fault is to be laid... that one wanted desperatly to try again while the other wanted nothing to do with them is just that one has put themselves in a place of no compromise and can see no way it could change for them if try they did so not even an attempt was made... when all they think of is their own personal happiness and wants putting themselves before all others... without wanting to make the other happy without wanting to give warmth care and love it could only be a one way marriage and that can and does never work... but life is naught if not choices we each made and each make them and so it is... that one hardens themselves so that they can envision no better life with the other than what was then no better life will they see no matter how much the other entreats them.

No fault or blame should be held for one has changed and the other must... love is an amazing thing... so easy to fall in love and so easy to fall out of as well.

I dont for a moment consider Jo has had an easier time of this past 8 months than I for I dont believe someone you share 25 years with can shut down all feelings and emotions for the other totally... there must have been times of terrible lonelines of desperatly wanting to be with the other of that comfortable fondness and warmth of just knowing that the other is there... but to gain what she wanted she had no choice in her mind but to shut down the feelings whenever they arose so she could achieve whatever it was she was looking for... but as hard as it was for me it was equally so for her... other than financially but that was a good thing by her parents in a way for as a parent I know if my daughter was desperatly unhappy depressed and loosing so much weight and not caring for themselves I would do whatever I could to help her... If I had the same sort of financial backing as they I would have had no hessitation in doing the same thing... although I would also have tried to get her to seek medical help as well not just help her leave but again thats a choice.

Search for meaning otherwise? In ones head I guess theres meaning out there for each of us me included I just have to get motivated to find it and create a future thats got meaning for me personally... presently Im starting to get myself back on my feet loosing the emotional baggage and getting over things focusing on making things happen for me forcing myself to do things Id usually not do finding laughter and smiles every day in every situation regardless of how utterly stupid or idiotic I may appear to anyone else... seeing the beauty around me again the creek the birds the flowers this place has a lot going for it just needs an awful lot of work to bring it back to a) where it was and b) a better place than its ever been... I wouldnt have a clue if Im up to that challenge but I think I will give it a whirl and if I dont then so be it no problem no sweat I will sell and move forward.

Life waits and time doesnt... so as time blunders ever onwards and I sit on my thumbs waiting for what was what could have been or what might have been life is wasting... so Im forcing myself to find new meaning.

Each week there seems to be some new challenge that comes but at least now its a new challenge each week instead of each day... so its slowly improving with the passage of time... and having now passed what we both knew was the turning point for me of submitting the consent orders for the assets Im in a lot better space than Ive been over this entire 8 months of hell

Strange that some can think that doing this thing can allow one to sit for as long as the other wants... why would one do that? there is nothing left of what was our marriage there is nothing left from her to me so why put ones life on hold waiting for something that has for all appearances passed into history? When one says they "always believed there would be an "us" yet every action word and attitude says the direct opposite one has no choice but to accept.

My "meaning" now is my own self care and life and that of the nippers and grandies... what my once loving wife does is entirely her choice and I wish her well in whatever she does and I will always be there for her if she needs me for any reason... as a good friend... not my choice as I have always considered her my best and only friend and also my beautiful wonderful loving wife... but seems to her I can only ever be a friend from here on and so it will be.

Changes would have had to have been made from both of us toward the other and toward lifestyle choices and indeed life itself if ever we were to try again... and while I was more than ready willing and eager to make whatever changes we both deemed necessary quite simply she doesnt seem to wish to make any of those changes... or even to discuss them or what happened... so communication on that most important of levels has been stifled and nothing is said... when communication is so very vital silence is all thats forthcoming and anger the result of trying.

We will see what the future brings... for now its enough to be able to smile see light again where not so very long ago there was only darkness of feeling hope and inspiration in a future thats unknown... of no longer being confused hurt and isolated by it all... of now finding and having direction and options to look toward to.

Thanks for all the support encouragement and thoughts

Finally
Jody I know you read this forum from time to time and so if you are reading this now please accept the above as how I feel with no malice or hurt intended... you have my number you can ring or message you know where our former marital home is you can visit to talk... but sadly you dont such a small simple thing but you choose not to... time is not an unlimited source Jody time is a finite thing it ends just as life itself must end sooner or later to sit and wait for an indefinate time is to waste the time one is given... be well

Cheers
Shane

[Pops]

Hi WD,

Good to hear things are looking up and you have some positive plans. Music is a great idea. Dancing is also a great social outing. Good move.

Look after yourself ol' son.

Cheers
Pops

[dennford]

Sounds a bit more like it. Maybe you can get on and tidy that bloody block up now. And if you get tempted to slip back into slack days, just do something - even a little can help.

And what're you doing up at all hours of the night Pops?

Good luck Shane; no! luck isn't the word - your future depends on you, not luck.

Denn

[barnsey]

G'day Shane,

Think I know where you are coming from.

Married 3 times - 1st ran off with the best man at the wedding, married again and after 15 years I was so desperately unhappy I ended it , third relationship saw me having my first child at 45 with a woman I proposed to with 3 kids from 3 different fathers. Between a high pressure job and 3 heart attacks shortly there after she decided that she couldn't live with that hanging over her head with the 4 kids so she ran back to her former abusive husband.

Having retired on a modest superanuation package I met a woman that I believed was the love of my life, married and having got her through a graduate diploma in psychology and put her kids through private schools she ran off after I suffered depression to the point of attempted suicide.

Now nothing in the bank - given the anti-depressants the khyber and nought but the workshop equipment I have I'm moving on.

In every instance time has been the thing that has got me through - but it was me I was looking after. Sure I can look at what's happened and accept responsibility for the outcomes but the relationships obviously weren't strong enough to weather the pressures. I tried to resurrect one of those relationships beliving it was possible but it ended in an even more bitter result. I do not have any contact with my daughter and recieve hostile venom from any attempt to contact her as a result.

The last relationship not only resulted in draining my entire retirement benefit but also fleeced my father of $5k into the bargain - her runaway resource.

I've been through the severe depression and the best thing I did was get off the medication so your decision there I can wholeheartedly agree with.

I've met another great woman whom I now share a house with - mind you took us 18 months to even contemplate it and we are still very much our own people but we do it together and get on really well together and the future looks positive for our ongoing relationship.

I still get periods of depression but I recognise it now and work constructively to overcome it. You have to do it - you only get one chance on earth - you can have many experiences and many partners if that be the case but only one life - so "Sieze the Day"

Your life could be spent looking for a refill of what was or it could be a fresh glass with a wild new drink.

Get where I'm coming from?

Jamie

[Wild Dingo]

Geez Jamie, It never ceases to amaze me since this happened just how many blokes have or are going through similar things!!! Seems every second bloke I speak to is or has been through it at least once... I wonder why that is?

Anyway... They say the only thing to fear is fear itself I tend to put it another way the only thing I fear is not fear itself but rather isolation and loneliness... fear is an adrenaline rush in many ways if one can harness it it can FORCE one to step up where theyve never stepped up before... its the loneliness that gets me more than anything even with young Josh here Im lonely as all hell... more than anything its her company and just her presence I miss

The isolation I can sort there are options with that one, but given the way the tide of the economy and world stage is looking I may have to just "tuffen up" and stay put till it improves so I can get a fair price for the place... but even so going out on weekends and one evening a week can cure the isolation to some degree but even saying that the times I have gone out Ive missed her as we always did everything together so again Im isolated from that one person

Loneliness is a terrible thing... although when I was young and single I thrived on it would rather be alone than with anyone but since Jo loneliness is something I havent had and dont particularily like anymore I need company

Not interested in a woman per se just the company... I doubt I will meet and get with another woman for a bloody long time Im simply not interested in anything along those lines as for a relationship well mate once is truely enough in my book. But thats now who knows how I will feel in a year or two.

Shes in my head 24 hours a day... every day... I cant seem to go an hour without thinking about her or whats happened or what I imagine could happen it just goes round and bloody round again and again and again!! Drives me bloody ratty I can tell you!! And causes no end of hysterics for the other blokes at work as they watch me driving the truck swearin cursin waving me arms around as I talk argue and bicker with meself about her.

I dont get a moments peace from it... seriously... night and day its all I think about... her... I wonder how one stops loving someone youve shared so many years with had so many children with and enjoyed so many adventures and love with? Ive no idea!! Some people seem to be like a tap you know? they seem to be able to turn the tap of their feelings off when it suits them... or rather they must force whatever good feelings they have for the other person into some deep dark hole inside them every time they raise themselves and they "feel" for the other... Im buggared if I can do that!! Stuffed if I can!

My younger brother (recent divorcee) tells me I NEED to "get back on the horse" and get with another woman... yeah right... theres no other woman that I even remotely see as interesting or someone Id like to share time with OTHER THAN JO!!!...

Sounds like Im mopin about like some lovesick puppy eh? but really Im fine as all get out and keeping as busy as I can... Just missing my wife is all... funny I keep seeing things I know she would like and think "I'll get that for her" then I realize I cant do that as it wouldnt be appreciated so I dont I see some roses or such and think "damn she would have to like those" but dont get them knowing she wouldnt want them... I simply cant think of what to do about this situation thats all Im buggared if I know! Sometimes I see her and shes friendly and theres that old look of care and love in her eye but somethings said by either of us and its gone as fast as it came... other times theres nothing not a thing in her eyes...

Like Ive said to her a fair few times over the last months... if she would stop ignoring me and shutting me out and just talk to me it would be easier for me to handle... but thats not right either since I dont understand what the hell happened or why shes turned so cold and angry... If she would just talk to me about whatever the hells upset her so much maybe we could find a way to resolve it? who knows but this way isnt working for either of us! I dont know where I stand or where our marriage stands and thats what confuses the hell out of me... and I know theres times when she misses me something shocking as the kids tell me "dad mum misses you and cried herself to sleep the other night" or "Dad she keeps so busy doing stuff for everyone and then she will sit at the sewing machine and just stare of into the distance and when she looks up she looks straight at the family photo on the sideboard"... but shes determined to get whatever it is shes looking for REGARDLESS of anything else... my feelings even her own about me the kids or anything else she WILL have whatever it is she is looking for REGARDLESS.

And brother that attitude makes it HARD!!

There must be a gray area for women that I dont understand I think... I mean to me you either love someone and want to be with them or at least have some contact with them or you dont end of story... but for Jo she seems to be sitting in some gray area of uncertainty

The paper work for the assets are in her lawyers hands now and so we will have to wait and see if she signs them or not... she seemed uncertain on Sunday when I saw her... gray area... its like I know she was phissed of about something when she went and saw the lawyer and got the asset paperwork started... but I also know she didnt expect and was surprised when I got the loan sorted... its like now its ACTUALLY about to happen shes unsure if its what she wants... which leaves me where? no bloody where again!!... as I said I think women have this gray area in them that we blokes just dont understand.

Thanks for sharing all that Jamie takes a good man to do that on a public forum... thanks.

Cheers
Shane

[barnsey]

Shane,

Can't tell you how much your thoughts sound like they came out of my head.

Loneliness is a bitch, BTDT and my only answer is you have to get happy in your own space. I get up - the sky's blue, the birds sing, I'm above ground and vertical. OK that's a good sign. If I could do anything I wanted to please myself what would that be - you are your own person, you breathe on your own, you crap on your own - your life is not dependant on another person.

We all get into positions of dependencies - drink, smoke etc. Another one is being dependent on your partner. Sure there should be an element of the outcome being greater than the sum of the individuals but sometimes an individual retires into the security of the outcome and no longer contributes to the result. In any relationship you have to balance your own being, self worth with everything else around you.

If you can't be a proud independent person on your own why would anyone want to become a friend or even lover or for that matter stay that way. Why would you as an individual want to be involved if you had to be the support for the other - lifes tough enough as it is!

Now - I'm not havin' a go at you or suggesting what I'm saying is the only answer - just my experience. Get comfortable with yourself - be proud of youself for all the good in you and disregard any external negatives. You are the individual that is the prime objective.

When you convince yourself of your own independence you will convey that and others will be attracted to your inner strength. Who knows who that might be - maybe Jo - if she has her own shyte together - maybe someone else. But in the end it is you that is the winner because you can and you are

Now go and make you the person you are - not how you think others see you.

Sounds bloody simple really - it ain't, I can tell you.

I have to battle it every day but it is the only answer - I am the master of my destiny - what else happens is a result of all I do for myself.

OK - I've exposed myself again but try it mate. YOU can do it and others will respect and be attracted to your determination.

Jamie

[Wild Dingo]

Cheers Barnsey
I had started sorta off and on trying to find a way to focus on who I was before all this even before Jo came along... and one of the things I always could do was to see good in everything see beauty in everything and find a positive in every day through this that had gone so Id started trying to find me again

I think Im getting there... over the last month since I got the paperwork for the assets done and into the lawyers and so nothing else I could or can do about it... Ive started to push everything I feel for Jo down inside and think of her as just a friend nothing more nothing less... someone I know thats it... been a battle for sure a hell of a battle!.

I found a fair while back the only way I can give her what she wants ala no contact with me was to take her number out of my phone so in September I did that again and told her why dont want any angst from her because Im trying to handle this thing my way... and didnt contact her for any reason for near on a month drove me insane! and probably made her extatic... anyway her numbers in the phone again but not in the phone book so no name and only in the recent numbers area so I gotta go find the sodding thing which is more often than not enough to stop me which is a good thing.

Anyways I am now enjoying my days although shes constantly in my thoughts its not over riding everything else and Im often happy when the day ends and Ive had nothing to do with her... now I message her a simple message twice a week generally first thing in the morning "Hey Jo hope you have a wonderful day" and thats about it... sometimes I get a response "yep I will" or more often silence... sometimes I will manage to cadge a small conversation out of her as long as its nothing of relevence and then silence.

Life is about choices and in my view if she chooses to be rude by constantly ignoring me then thats her problem not mine and I no longer get upset by it and actually laugh when she does it... not at her but rather at the patheticness of her behaviour the very childishness of it all... I refuse now to let her behavior spoil my day!

Ive become fed up with the constant rudeness, the lack of anything positive to say, the lack of any feelings from her to me and the lack of wanting to even try in the slightest to sort this out... sick and tired of the bullshyte of it all.

I wake at 4am every day have a shower smile get a coffee wander outside and watch the sunrise and SMILE... get ready for work and take off in a great mood... which remains for the whole day even when I get home Im in a good frame of mind no stress you know unlike the first 7 months when Id get home more stressed than I left due to letting her ignorance and rudeness get to me.

I AM the dictator of MY life, I know Im a good bloke, Im kind generous friendly open caring and Im damned proud of me and what Ive bloody well achieved in my 51 years!! to hell with anyone who thinks Im otherwise! I will not be dragged into being sad angry bitter dejected or depressed by someone who cannot even take the time to converse with their husband of 25 years and father of their 8 children! If that is what she wants for her life then good luck to her in my book I INTEND to enjoy my life experience love happiness joy laughter to have a better life than the last 25 years were with or without her in it... she chooses to believe the worst and see only the negatives of our time together then so be it I choose to believe the best happened and the positives were the larger part of our lives together... and by god it will be better from here on! If she refuses to budge and see the potential for that then again thats her problem not mine.

Shes determined to get what she wants REGARDLESS of cost REGARDLESS of the hurt it causes the kids or me REGARDLESS if it means the absolute end of our marriage she has determined she WILL HAVE whatever it is she is demanding.

I may never be rich or have shyteloads of cash like her mob but then Ive never wanted that sort of life either just not interested in it never have been never will be.

Do I believe there was/is a chance for us still? Damned if I know and Im fast starting to not care... IF she would communicate perhaps... IF she would talk to me the only person that had a part in whats happened perhaps... IF she would simply and clearly state to me what her problems are and IF she can listen to mine without judging me perhaps... but she refuses to do any of that... prefering instead to say nothing just continually telling me she needs time time will tell but still maintaining she feels nothing for me as her husband... so no I dont think I believe there is a chance for us still she has and is killing it off.

As my younger brother told me about his breakup... he still cared for his ex very much... but would strangle and push down ANY feelings he had for her every time the came to the fore so he could end it... Jo is doing the same.... difference there is I think Scott was AWARE of what he was doing I dont think Jo is or if she is then shes far more callous than I ever thought possible.

I need someone in my life who has passion desire want and need... Im in no rush to find her but I now know what I want and dont want for MY LIFE... happiness laughter smiles quiet times gentle times excitement adventure a passionate life! not some mundane suburbian mediocre shadow of life but one full of energy fun and smiles... of course there will always be times of the opposite but those time WILL BE nothing compared to the better times!

I AM ME! I AM A GOOD BLOKE! I WILL ENJOY MY LIFE!

now thankfully I can see good things I can smile I can appreciate things again and I can laugh... still cant do a damned thing in the shed but what the hell that will come again.

Cheers
Shane

PS... thanks again mate... that just picked me back up again and made me refocus... cause although Id been trying to get there and had had my moments your words have helped incredibly in me believing in me again... so cheers!

[barnsey]

Great to see you getting there mate

I still have my down days and get a dose of the "What if's"

As the ole man used to say " If my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle "

"What if's" are just "what were's" - move on is what you've got to do

Today and tomorrow are the important bits - yesterday is just history that gives you the experience to know how to keep going.

You can always PM me if you have a moment - I've got voip if you need to talk.

Hang in there.

Jamie

[Wild Dingo]

Gidday Jamie
Been quiet lately as Ive delved downward in my mind... cant seem to stop it happening... thing is I am still living in the "family home" and although Ive painted it and changed some of the furniture and pictures its still the same place... still the same layout same furniture same bed same same same... every day and every night its the same memories of our and our families dreams hopes wants and plans around and around and around nothing seems to set me free from it... then I see her... and with whats happened I cant handle it... downward I spiral

A mate over east rang me on Friday night and suggested I break away and go overseas to Laos total change of environment culture everything... and as the assets thing is now done and the final finish by the lawyers will be completed within the week I will have the $ to be able to do a trip out of the country

Ive had my daughter Tiffany (my saviour) talking me through what I should do and prodding me along to do it... shes not sure about Laos but definant that I should get out and away for a time she thinks the US would be better for me as I know a bunch of people over there so costs would be way down just the airfares would be needed and a little spending money... and Ive been talking about going there for about 10 years now just never did anything about it... now I have no choice... simple fact is if I stay in this house much longer I wont be here... and Tiff wont allow that its "UNACCEPTABLE DAD! what about Lukas? Dont you think he needs his poppy? And little Peyton? Shes too young to know you yet but she has the right to know her poppy! And what about me? and Josh? and all the others? YOU HAVE TO GO CAUSE WE LOVE YOU"... talk about persuasive

So up till tonight everything was aimed at Laos... tonight I got Josh involved cause hes the most affected by this going thing as he will miss 3 weeks of being with me... his decision was based on the time honored Aussie bloke method of deciding important things... toss a coin... heads Laos tails US... one tails... next heads... next tails... AGAIN!!!... first heads... next tails... next tails... done!

So having made the decision Josh AND Tiff are now heavily into planning my route itinery and when Im coming back... no... now theyre planning where Im going when I get back!!! Tiff reckons cause I cant stand being cold I should move to Darwin while Josh is arguing that Queensland would be better... ah well I'll let them argue that one time enough for what to do when I get back WHEN I get back!

Sooo present thinking is to do the south first start in Charlotte NC then Georgia Alabama Mississipi Tennessee and then Florida up to NY and home... once the house is sold next year I will go back and do the rest and finish up in Laos on the way home...

Tiffs budgetting 7-10K all up for the trip... should be doable since I will be staying with friends along the way

Soo Ive been up since Friday... and since she doesnt want or need me to help her move into her newly bought home as was expected her whole mob are coming to help her move since they paid for it ... so I dont need to see her between now and when I go... no worries... just need to keep focused on the 28th December when Im planning to leave only a few weeks!!!

Anyway theres where Im at.

Shane