So what's all this about, then?

[Caliban]

At which comment Captain Nemo replied "Beens! That's it. That's what the good ship needs, coffee beans to disguise the illegal cargo that those damned sniffer dogs always find, preventing us from ...

[ernknot]

accessing ports and off loading our cargo of cyberbong refills". The crew felt like it was like the old times when they used to run up the jolly roger, or was that when they rogered up jolly?? No matter, the coffee bean idea was putin motion and ..........

[Driver]

No matter, the coffee bean idea was putin motion and ..........


(So how did Vladimir feel about having his motion described as coffee beans?)

... (but getting back to the story) ... with the sniffer dogs duly distracted by the rich aroma of the roasted beans, the crew were able to off-load an entire cargo-hold of contraband ...

[ernknot]

lefthanded screw drivers which are used for the sole purpose of.........

[echnidna]

of tightening left hand threaded woodscrews

[ernknot]

for which there is a high demand in cyber space. " Whats this got to do with dope, sniffer dogs and coffee beans.......'

[Driver]

... demanded young Henry, interrupting his teacher once more.

"You really have to be more patient, dear," she said. "The relevance of all these things will be revealed as the plot develops. It's all to do with imagery."

She took up the story again:
The crew, whilst engaged in offloading the contraband left-handed screwdrivers ...

[Grunt]

the entire crew succumbed to the gas being emitted from ...

[ozwinner]

this story line.................

[Driver]

... and with one voice, all three Captains: Nemo, Pugwash and Crabtree (see, you'd all forgotten that he's a Captain too, hadn't you?) cried:

"Open that rip in the fabric of the universe and get us back to somewhere with a more exciting plot or we'll be in danger of expiring through lack of interest! If that happens we'll have to take to wearing bloody foil helmets and tutus!"

With that, a tremendous ripping sound was heard. However, that just turned out to be Staines - who had over-indulged in the baked beans.

Following hard on its heels however, was a second and distinctly more refined ripping sound and ...

[Caliban]

Raffaele walked in fresh from his unhappy encounter on the new inventors and threw a whole box of his 3-d brackets at Crabtree's feet, saying "they also work eith left handed screws!"
Crabtree scooped them up saying...

[Driver]

..."A pix on your loft hounded scrows!"

And he hurled them back through the rip. There was a bang like the crack of doom, a pause and sixteen jolly jack tars, balls akimbo, dancing a hornpipe, appeared in the rip.

"Not again!" cried Nemo and he ...

[fxst]

fired all foward torpedo tubes and then turned to his men and said...............

[TassieKiwi]

...I wonder if that sailor chappy got my number. It would be good to..

[Caliban]

be rogered by the cabin boy.

http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0304/spezial/Fool/bur2.gif

[Driver]

At this point, Pugwash leapt to his feet (it wasn't much of a leap because he was remarkably short in the leg - well - both legs, actually) and said:-

"I've remained silent long enough! But this is too much! It's about time someone spoke out against all this disgraceful ...."

[Caliban]

pronunciation...

[Driver]

"Whit do you moon?" said Crabtree. "Er you employing thit someoone has a pribloom with proneencing their woads? I cannoot imoogen who you moon!""

[ernknot]

"Someone has been sneaking the cyberbong refills me thinks" said the captain. ( By the way who is the bloody captain at this time???) The crew responded to the cyberbong remark " Os smooking dupe?? he he he, u mist be yoking! " This made the captain reply.......

[ozwinner]

What do you moon ( By the way who is the bloody captain at this time???)
The Captoon is the Captoon, you awfool leettle peersoon.

[Christopha]

.... especially one with such beautifully carved gronicles....

[Driver]

.. at the mention of gronicles, Michelle suddenly sat up, adjusted the belt of her trenchcoat and, in her sexiest voice, said to Crabtree:-

"Groneecles? Carved groneecles? I deed not kner that you 'ad carved groneecles, Mon Capitain! Eef I 'ad knern zees sooner, I would 'ave paid more attention!"

Crabtree was a little startled by this. He said:-

"Ai'm a lootle steetled by thos, Marchelle!"

However, nothing daunted, he ...

[Caliban]

took out his wooden...

[Grunt]

dictionary and looked up the proper pronuciation of the words he was saying.

Miraculously ...

[ernknot]

he couln't find any words at all. " What the........................?"

[Caliban]

it was at about this time that captain beaut walked in with the evil giant under his arm and said
"crabtree, you silly Englishman, get out of my story. As captain of this ship, I'm taking control back from you. And since I'm the captain of this ship I've got the giant persuaded to axe any of your silly posts from now on."
The crew were ecstatic and ran off to roger the cabin boy as a celebration of this reverse mutiny.
Crabtree dejectedly made his exit through the hole in the fabric of the universe and sewed it up from the other side, put a coat of shellawax over it and no one could even see it anymore.
So...

[vsquizz]

at this the motley crue burst into song.."don't you ever let a chance go by oh Lord" was heard ringing out into the night air for some time, followed by the occaisional "hic" and "has anybody seen me sparkplug"Early next morning as the crescent moon rose above the glistening sea....

[Driver]

... the crew became aware of an unfamiliar figure pacing to and fro on the quarterdeck. He was dressed in a belted trenchcoat and sported a porkpie hat and a heavy moustache.

They couldn't quite make out his identity but there was something uncomfortably familiar about his silhouette against the rising sun, something distinctly French, something unaccountably slightly awkward. It couldn't be Crabtree, surely? He had (very unfairly in the opinion of the present writer) been pushed out of the plot and into another universe. No, it wasn't Crabtree, so who the hell was it?

The figure spun round on one heel, sniffed and said:-

"Good merning! I 'ave some questions for you all. Wheech one of you placed a berm (" A what?" they all cried. "A berm! Do you theenk I am a ferl?") in the rerm of the captain of thees vessel?"

"A berm?" they repeated. "In the captain's rerm? What is he talking about?"

Even as the words were leaving their lips, comprehension dawned upon them. Crabtree might have been disappeared (by foul means in the opinion of the present writer - who is certain that, plot lines hereabouts being what they normally are, there is plenty of scope for his ultimate return). Crabtree might, they realised, have been disappeared but he had unquestionably been replaced by none other than the scourge of diamond thieves, the scion of the Surete, the incomparable Inspecteur Clouseau!

As realisation dawned, a small oriental shape emerged from behind the masthead. Uttering an imcomprehensible oriental oath, he leapt forward, hands poised in an unmistakable karate strike, and fell upon ...

[vsquizz]

a bomb {berm}. " you ferl, yu could have been kilt" screamed Clouseau. The small oriental gentlemen looked up from his poised phrase and said "a berm, what type of berm is it Inspector?". "Why it is the exploding type you fool" yelled Clouseau who was close to Hysteria but Hysteria being a rather posh girl thought the inspector had rather bad breath.

Clouseau contiued, "don't make one twitch of your....

[Driver]

... of your trembleur or eet will go off!"

"My trembler?" said Cato.

"The berm, you ferl, the berm!"

Clouseau was so incensed by the obtuseness of his manservant's response that he gesticulated wildly. His hand, tensed into the deadly shape of a karate strike, made disastrous connection with ...

[ernknot]

the berm, which went "BURM" as it exploded and blew away this french disaster and caused a split in the terrerstial mantle allowing Crabtrees being to re-enter. In order for Crabtree to be brought back to life he needed the sexual favours of........

[Driver]

... of Michelle! Most emphatically: Michelle! Even Susan was a possibility but not Roger, not bloody Staines, not any of the crew of either the Good Ship Venus or the Very Little Gravitas Indeed.

So, does everyone have a clear understanding of the situation here? What was going to restore the Captoon's tenuous grip on vitality was the extremely tasty Michelle. She folded a length of the fabric of the universe over the two of them - in order to gain a little privacy - and proceeded to bring Crabtree back to life.

There was a pause and then:-

"Good Moaning!"

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, because ...

[echnidna]

Crabtree had the only keys to the.....

[ozwinner]

Dunny...............

[echnidna]

Unfortunately no one realised the Loo had been locked up because ...

[vsquizz]

they just thought Crabtree was full of it all the time.

Anyway, back on the Gravitas Captain Beaut was trying to get underway but hull repairs (from the GMC Reef damage) were not yet completed.

"Crikey" said the Captain, "you'd think in a bloody story like this a bloke could find a couple of decent shipwrights, well at least a few chippies wood do" (wood do - chippies...sorry) . Low and behold (the hold being the thing below the deck that the Captain was standing on) at the mention of the requirement for a qualified wood butcher, who should enter the story but none other than the esteemed beared, plaid wearing....

[fxst]

master puppeteer and woodworker of legend and owner or the biggest .....

[Bob Willson]

wooden ..

[vsquizz]

chisel ever...

[silentC]

... seen this side of the ...

[Driver]

... the obviously very durable fabric of the universe.

[Grunt]

With chisel in hand, began to gouge out a giant mortice in to an edge of the universe. He then cut a tennon on one of the alternate universes and joined the two universes together with a spot of yellow PVA glue. was proud of the M&T gate he had created. Some people would use the Rocker Universe Morticing jig or one of the many Sturdee jigs available but was a traditionalist.

Suddenly, from through the new M&T gate came a ...

[Caliban]

carton of polo shirts adorned with a likeness of 's newest creation for all to wear to ww shows. Upon seeing this, Michelle...

[Bob Willson]

.fell to her knees in front of and ...

[Grunt]

begged to be deleted. lifted his ...

[echnidna]

corners of his mouth and smiled, saying .....

[ozwinner]

whats a matter you, hey, shut upayah face.................

[ernknot]

"I couldda bin a liftin ma shirta insteadda ma mout. Musta be gettin olde" He said tucking his shirt in and helping Michelle up off her knees. She fought him off vigorously and wanted to remain on her knees because she .....................

[ozwinner]

saw there was a nasty pizza stain on the carpet, that she so wanted, this girl would eat anything ( keep it clean ), even old pizza off the carpet.Why!! she even ate from the dogs bowl, haveing biffed up the dog first.

This is one mean girl, or is she really a girl ( insert dramatic music here )........

[silentC]

... (all the actors look up at the sound of the music. They look at each other, shrug, and go back into character) (now wheree was I?) or is she really a girl misunderstood? "Yes," cries Michelle "I erm misoonderstood. Queet a lot rahlly. It's becoose of this uttrageous Fronch eccent".

[Driver]

At this, Captain Pugwash sprang, once again, to his feet. (And once again it is worthy of mention that this did not entail any very impressive athleticism on Pugwash's part - his inside leg measurement being well within the scope of quite a short tape measure).

Once having regained an upright stance, Pugwash stumped across to Michelle's side and, gazing upwards at her with what he fondly - and inaccurately - believed to be a seductive smile, said:-

"I find your accent quite charming, m'dear. And I have understood every word you have said."

"Well, sank yew, Mon Capitaine," said Michelle, patting Pugwash on the head. "Yew are a vairy gallant leetle Engleesh saileeng personne. Now, everyone! Leesten vairy carefoolly, for I shall say zees only wence ...."

[vsquizz]

"neever pit all yur chikerns in ze one hat, no no, wat ze goz aroun comz ze back to yur, no no, mezour thrice cut twice Oh I gives zis ow doz you says it, sayings to the burds.

However, just on the other side of the universal joint a bunch of rather fiercesome Klingons were preparing to attack all and sundry (they didn't know that sundry was on holidays at the time) just as soon as the re-runs of F-Troop had finished on Foxtel.

Meanwhile in another part of the Delta Quadrant every woodies hero Clunk Hardwood had just finished shooting the bejesus out of about 49 tree hugging greenies. The last of tree huggers sat trembling while Clunk learned over him with his 50 round Paslode coil nailer. Clunk said "I know what your thinking.....

[ernknot]

punk! Is this gun loaded or did he fire his last shot! Punk! Run, and "make my day"

[Driver]

... you're thinking that a GMC nailer would have been cheaper and would have a 2-year warranty (for home, not trade, use). However, my little tree-hugging greenie person, the fact is that I, like many dedicated woodworking people, feel very strongly about the issue of quality versus low price. Er, am I, by any mischance, boring you?" (Clunk had noticed that the greeny's eyes were beginning to glaze over)

"Oh no!" said the tree-hugger. "Not at ...

[vsquizz]

"not another MIK Catalogue freak!. Lord Help me" screamed the tree hugger, and the Time Lord of woodies voice was heard from overhead "Nope not today, sorry" so Clunk pumped another 25 rounds into the greenie because he had bought the optional 100 round extender mag :).

At this point Clunk Hardwood (the woodies hero) was hell bent on eliminating all wood chippers from the universe, however he was blissfully unaware of the impending Klingon invaision back at 's big M&T.

"Today" said Clunk "might just be a good day to...

[echnidna]

have a barbie in the bush

[Grunt]

or to try on that new dress I got or ...

[craigb]

do my Captain Mainwaring impression.

"No, bugger it" thought Clunk. "Instead I'll just stretch out under this tree and have a nap"

So Clunk slipped off into the land of nod where he had a most curious dream indeed.

He dreamed he was on a leaky submarine that had ....

[ozwinner]

fly wire doors...................

[echnidna]

all of a sudden Clunk realised the leaks were due to ...

[ozwinner]

the holes the dog had chewed in the fly wire

[echnidna]

So he thought I'd better get some dog repellent and ...

[ernknot]

and load it into his .357 Magnum to make sure the buggers did not come back ( or leave for that matter).

[Grunt]

It was two weeks and none of the buggers came back. The person put his .357 magnum back into his holster. He then realised that he didn't know who he was or where the hell was this place with dog chewed flywire was. He figured that all of this information was on previous pages but he couldn't be bothered turning the page.

He opened the flywire door and ...

[Driver]

...stepped out into forty fathoms of seawater. He could have avoided this if he had referred back a page or two, of course. However ...

[silentC]

... none of that was important now because his socks were wet and of all the unpleasant feelings he'd ever felt, having wet socks was amongst the worst. It made each step a squidging, squelching torture that he could hardly bear. Carefully closing the screen door so as not to slam any passing fish in it, he slowly and wincingly backed into the front room. It was as he was putting on the kettle that he had pause to wonder how he was able to breath with forty fathoms of seawater sloshing around his house.

[Grunt]

He sat down in his favourite chair, took his soggy socks off, gave them a quick wring and placed them next to the fire to dry off.

He pondered his situation. As far as he could figure he was in a house that was in forty fathoms of water, he couldn't remember who he was, he had wet socks, he could breath underwater and a dog chewed fly screen was keeping out the water that was under 100's of atmospheres of presure.

He decided that google was where he should look, at least it seemed less trouble than turning the page back and reliving the unpleasantness with the sock thing.

The search in google revealed, to his amazement, that he was really a mutant chicken (http://www.computercrowsnest.com/sfnews/newsd0999.htm) and that they now make fly screens specifically for underwater use.

Suddenly the phone rang and ...

[ernknot]

found it was the department of fathomnable taxes who wanted to collect on the fourty fathoms he sat in. He said " Holy Neptune...40 fathoms worth of fathonable taxes... how do I get the loot to pay for this wet tax......??

[Driver]

... or alternatively, how do I get the ferk outta here so as to avoid paying any tax at all?"

He found himself absent-mindedly scratching at what appeared to be a fault in the wallpaper (wallpaper in a submarine? :rolleyes: ). Intrigued, he scratched some more, eventually peeling back a three-cornered tear. To his surprise, what he found beneath the gap was not a wall surface. It wasn't a surface at all! It was, of course, as you, dear reader will already have anticipated, an alternative universe.

Yes! He had stumbled inadvertently on the fabled tear in the fabric thereof! He tentatively put a leg through the tear. Immediately, the leg was snatched in an iron grip.

Fortunately, it wasn't his own leg but a handily positioned joint of meat. He said:-

"Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this leg of pork!"

And so saying, he clambered through the rip, to be met by ...

[silentC]

... a hideous troll reminiscent of the Morlocks from the film version of The Time Machine. The troll was frantically tearing into the the leg of ham with teeth at roughly 0.75 TPI and no obvious set. Within a few seconds, the ham was gone. "This your leg?" queried the troll in a gravely voice, which sounded like a bag of marbles being crushed under forty tonnes of volcanic rock.

[craigb]

"No, you miserable bastard" replied the man (whose name we appear to have forgotten) "that was me Sunday joint." And with that he whipped out his trusty .357 and blew the troll into the next world.

Looking around at his new surroundings, he noticed in the distance a whisp of smoke rising into the air.

Deciding he may as well investigate as stay with a dead troll, he set off toward the source of the smoke.

He hadn't travelled very far when ....

[ernknot]

when he realised it was not smoke but steam coming off a huge heap of troll dung which was slowly moving under its own ( dare i say it ) steam! " My God" he said " I have never seen so much crap in all my life except for the time.....

[Driver]

... when I saw that bloke pedalling his pushbike down the hill with the tram tracks at the bottom. He skidded on the tracks, flipped and landed in an ornamental pond.

Just then, an African bloke stepped out of the pub across the road, paused and slapped himself on the forehead, obviously having just remembered something he had clearly forgotten.

"Isaac Hunt!" he said, loudly.

The cyclist in the ornamental pond sat up, spat out some pond weed and said: "Yes! I'm Isaac Hunt. Can I ...

[craigb]

possibly top that segeue (sp) ?

Having decided that he couldn't, the only thing left for him was to start humming the the theme from "Shaft", (can you dig it)...

"Who's the cop that won't cop out ...

[Driver]

..the cop in question was named Richard Something:

Head? ... Brain? ... Face? ...

Perhaps it was just Richard Something, a close relative of Sir Somebody Something, the famous British nonentity. Or could it be ....

[craigb]

Lord Algernon Waysteof-Space?

Lord Algernon (or Algie to his friends) was a fan of the writings of John Buchan, so, not surprisingly, he soon found himself impersonating the character Richard Hannay.

Adjusting his deerstalker, Hannay turned to his man and said ...

[silentC]

... "does my head look fat in this?"

"Well, now that you mention it," murmured Dirk, "I was wondering how best bring it to your attention."

"Damn you for a Springbok, Huysman, don't you know my glands are swollen since my encounter with those killer bees in episode seven?"

"There were no killer bees in episode seven."

"Yes there were. There were dogs that breathed killer bees on their victims and ..."

"That was an episode of the Simpsons, Hannay."

Just then ...

[RETIRED]

I thought this thread was dead!!!!! Wrong again. :D :D :D

[HappyHammer]

....the deer being stalked by Hannay's hat had had enough and promptly shat on the brim, this was remarkable as Hannay was still wearing the hat. As the the poo dripped down the silly earpieces on the hat Hannay.....

[craigb]

realised that he was going to need the services of Isaac Hunt if he was ever going to find the 39 steps.

"Isaac, Isaac Hunt" he cried "are you there Isaac?"

Just then ...

[HappyHammer]

...a large thing covered in dark curly hair appeared and said "I'm Issacs brother Mike" Confused Hannay moved towards the creature and...

[echnidna]

stepped into a pool of ....

[Driver]

... ordure.

"Aw, duh!" he exclaimed. "Isaac Hunt!"

The cyclist stepped out of the ornamental pond. Fixing Hannay with a slightly damp but nevertheless intent gaze, he said:

"Look! I keep telling you: I'm Isaac Hunt! Why do you people keep yelling my name?"

He looked at the hairy thing and said:

"What's my brother doing here? He ...

[HappyHammer]

..he's not usually up and about at this time of month, I'll just find his Teddy named...

[echnidna]

Ohh that smell is nothing to worry about. My pet hamster always smells like that after a feed of .......

[Driver]

I thought this thread was dead!!!!! Wrong again. :D :D :D




You thought it was dead?
Never let it be said
That we threaders would let it expire.

Now that it's re-started
(Not for the faint-hearted)
We'll keep it alive, full of fire.

(But - back to the story)


... a feed of sardine-flavoured marmalade. Any hamster called Teddy would be excused for being confused (damn! Must stop inadvertently creating rhymes!).

Hannay tugged his foot free, wiped the sole of his boot on his man's sleeve and said "Are you sure this makes my head look fat?"

His man, about to reply, hands curled and heading for Hannay's throat, was interrupted by a loud cry of "ISAAC HUNT!" from somewhere in the middle ....

[craigb]

of the pub across the road.

"Look at what you've done to my ornamtenal fountain, you idiot!"

"The spouts up the spout and the cherub is looking decidedly dodgy"

"What are you doing here anyway? When I asked for a trick cyclist I wan't being literal. What I really wanted was a ....

[silentC]

... cunning stunt. Yes a stunt so cunning that ...

[RETIRED]

:D Watch the line, don't cross it. :D

[HappyHammer]

...that the hunts wouldn't be able to work out how it was done and that would produce a spare key for to insert into his slot.....

:D HH.

[Driver]

Meanwhile, the cyclist was squelching off, in high dudgeon. He had been summoned by name several times and, when he responded, had been ignored. He was a sensitive soul - a serious affliction in one so unfortunately named - and he had decided to move on, leaving these insensitive souls (making a clear distinction here with other types of souls - don't worry, , the line is clearly within my vision :) ).

Hannay, meanwhile, was wondering why his man was apparently intent on attacking him. In particular, Hannay couldn't work out why his man seemed to be attempting to wipe his sleeve in Hannay's face.

"I say, look here," said Hannay. "What the ....?

[HappyHammer]

..oh my goodness, lookout!" screamed Hannay as Mike Hunt devoured his man in one gulp, all that remained was the dirty shirt cuff stuck in Mike Hunts curly hair. Hannay...

[Grunt]

he almost crossed the line but avoided it by the barest of margins. A very clever dwarf walked up and crossed the line. Several bystanders applauded the work of the cunning runt.

Mike Hunt proceeded to ...

[HappyHammer]

..tell and the cunning runt was struck down in mid stride by the axe weilding moderator. Mike Hunt felt very full and decided to take a rest and then snack on the dwarves remains when he woke.

[Driver]

Hannay tiptoed, as silently as he could, away from the slumbering hairy thing. He had only taken 39 steps when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

He turned and ... there was no-one there.

He felt a tap on his shoulder again.

He whipped round quickly...

[HappyHammer]

....and broke his nose on the chrome fawcet. When his eyes cleared he noticed it wasn't only a tap but a basin as well somehow attached to his back. As his vision cleared further he found....

[Grunt]

when he looked down, his legs had turned into claw feet and his stomach had become a cast iron bath.

He looked between his legs and saw something hairy. Mike Hunt poped his head up and said I've been inspecting your plumbing and there is something wrong. It is seems you are having problems with ...

[HappyHammer]

..your ballcock and this has resulted in a bad case of crabs, and for some weird reason you seem to be morphing into a bath. BTW that hairy thing between your legs is several years worth of peoples hair that has collected in your u-bend..

[This is getting silly now...]

[RETIRED]

Very.

[Driver]

"However," said Sally, "We shouldn't despair, children. It has been my observation that when the plot becomes overly silly, as it appears to have done in the last few pages, the scene usually shifts. Sometimes quite dramatically ..."

The words were scarcely out of her mouth when a leg appeared in the rip in the fabric of the universe. This was not a leg of pork but a distinctly familiar leg, clad in an ankle sock and framed by the lower hem of a trench coat.

Yes! It was Michelle!

"Now leessen vary carefoolly," she said. "For I shall say zees ...."