So what's all this about, then?

[Christopha]

.... flagrantly waving his woody at Wanda the woodwork teachers wooden (pre inflatable) doll who......

[outback]

came complete with hundreds of patches, from all the little pricks she had received whilst..........

[Caliban]

in transit

[silentC]

... lounges of airports all over the country where she was employed in the relief of ...

[Caliban]

...cat induced...

[Termite]

...pussyitis, which as we all know can lead to...

[Caliban]

...wooden..

[craigb]

..prose.

Suddenly, with a flash and a bang, appeared .....

[Driver]

... said mob of pros ...

[craigb]

who were on their way to Sydney for a Tart's Convention.

THis completely threw Rodger, because ....

[Caliban]

his spell checker lead him to believe that a prose convention was a gathering of writers, so he was completely taken off guard when the ugliest pro said to him...

[HappyHammer]

" 'ello darling how about it? " She wasn't a cockney but had been scarred emotionally by being subjected to Dick Van Dyke's chminey sweep accent in Mary Poopins (That's for you Driver). In repsonse to the pro's advance he.....

[silentC]

... replied "no time for the old in and out love, I've come to read the meter." With that he ...

[HappyHammer]

..turned to leave but was confronted by....

[Driver]

... a cardboard replica of a well-known Belgian detective ...

[HappyHammer]

.....in a bad suit...

[Caliban]

which was badly and repeatedly stained by Roger's...

[Grunt]

squirt gun filled with ...

[Bob Willson]

Semen Stains excess ..

[Caliban]

...wooden...

[silentC]

... Dr Jurd's Jungle Juice. The cardboard Poirot (no, that's pwar-row, not poyrot) turned to him and said "Do you like my ...

[Grunt]

donger? I use it to ring my bells. It is made of ...

[craigb]

..cardboard, just like moi.

This was getting far too weird for Rodger.
First he had a group of tarts appear from nowhere and start propositioning him. Now, he was having a conversation with a cardboard cutout Poirot!

He really had begun to wonder what was in the cocktail he'd ordered in the departure lounge bar, when suddenly ....

[Christopha]

...he was totally unsurprised by the sight of a large, redgum (that's wood you know!) Christmas cake which had beautifully turned and carved....

[Caliban]

...nuances..

[silentC]

... reminiscent of the ones possessed by his ex-girlfriend, Lotta. Lotta, whose last name was ... (10 points if you get it right)

[craigb]

..Fagina. She was related to the Galore sisters.

Za Za, Eva and ....

[Termite]

[QUOTE=craigb]..
Za Za, Eva and ....[/QUOT

....the one who had the legendary monstrous....

[silentC]

... wooden ...

[Bob Willson]

leg that she had previously employed to ..

[silentC]

... kick the crap out of anyone who called her "Puss in boot". Pussy Galore did not like people making fun of her name or her wooden leg. She also didn't like people making fun of her ...

[Termite]

...deep dark cavernous...

[craigb]

...shed just because she couldn't afford the latest and greatest Norm type environment.

It was bad enough when Mr O'Toole and his daughter Plenty would come around and scoff at her meagre ...

[Termite]

..beer supply. "We came round herefor a real good....

[Bob Willson]

"droppa plonk" they exclaimed, "and all you offer us is some of this bee's ..."

[silentC]

... p1ss". "Do bees p1ss?", asked Lotta. "Well, if they did, it would taste like this!", exclaimed Mr O'Toole, who was a farmer. Plenty was only his daughter but all the horse ...

[HappyHammer]

...'s made way for her from fear of being......

[craigb]

..saddled up and taken for a ride. For you see, Plenty was a big gal. In fact she was so big it was said that ....

[HappyHammer]

...she could break the family tree. Her sister....

[silentC]

... said her backside had it's own postcode. She said Plenty never went to the beach sunbathing for fear of being rolled into the water by whale-saving greenies. Yes, Plenty was a whole lot of ...

[HappyHammer]

...woman and her sister Rusty was the exact opposite, you couldn't fit......

[Caliban]

...a wooden...

[HappyHammer]

...toothpick...

[Caliban]

...between...

[silentC]

... her ...

[Christopha]

......wooden legs due to......

[Termite]

..the fact that they were glued together with...

[craigb]

..Titebond.

Which when you think about it is a strange thing to do if you are unfortunate enough to have two wooden legs.

But that was Rusty for you. In fact, farmer O'toole and Plenty used to pretend...

[silentC]

... Seaman Staines' ...

[craigb]

had done it, just to cover their embarassment.

Nobody was fooled though.

"Poor old O'toole", they used to mutter to each other whenever he'd pass by.
One daughter's the size of a bus and the other is ...

[HappyHammer]

..hopping mad...

[silentC]

... and impossible to ...

[Termite]

...manipulate...

[craigb]

onto a horse.

Yep, the local riding school used to despair whnever they'd see the O'toole sisters turn up.

In fact, it got so bad that they ended up ...

[Bob Willson]

giving 'Peggy', as they affectionately called her, a wooden rocking horse, as this seemed to be the only way that they would ever get her firmly mounted on a ..

[HappyHammer]

...single stirrup sadle...

[Caliban]

which was alright whilst the girths and straps were tight, but one sad day, wouldn't (wooden ;) ) you know it, the inevitable happened and as confucious says, girl who ride around with both wooden legs glued together with loose girth straps, bound to have ...

[craigb]

...an interesting time. Fortunately, as she was only on a wooden horse, she didn't have far to fall when her girth gave way and landed her on her bonce.

"Oh for Petes sake" said Lotta, I've had enough of the O'Toole. Come on Pussy, lets put on our glad rags and ...

[Caliban]

...hang around in bars, pretending to be lumberjacks, perhaps we'll get...

[craigb]

...but before Lotta could finish, Pussy slapped her face.

"Stop it Lotta !" she exclaimed. You're just letting your Michael Palin fantasy overwhelm you again, and you know that nothing good ever comes of that.

Why, don't you remember the last time you got out of control you...

[silentC]

... wanted to put on safari suits, go down to the pier and perform the fish-slapping dance. We only managed to talk you out of it by ...

[HappyHammer]

..making you take the fish and....

[Caliban]

..wrap masking tape around it..

[silentC]

... and, oh sorry I was thinking about your pet Gerbil. No what we did with the fish was we whipped up some nice Thai fish cakes and fed them to the ...

[Termite]

Thai fish, so they would....

[Caliban]

prostrate themselves on the altar of...

[silentC]

... the 'burning snag' - in other words, my barbeque." All of this was starting to make Roger hungry and also made him wonder if he'd taken too many drugs back in the 60's. He looked around for an exit and, spotting a red door in a nearby tree, he ...

[Caliban]

... and, oh sorry I was thinking about your pet Gerbil. No what we did with the fish was we whipped up some nice Thai fish cakes and fed them to the ...

It wasn't my gerbil(I never had one, or wanted, or needed one) :mad: It was your guinea pig you were about to mention you silly boy. :p

[silentC]

Come on Jim, stick with the topic. Are you sure you didn't have a hamster?

He looked around for an exit and, spotting a red door in a nearby tree, he ...

[Caliban]

opened it and stepping through found himself in the cockpit of an alien space ship in the midst of a fierce battle with the vogons about the ownership of the copyright to the works of William Shakespeare, who they claimed was much better in the original vogon rather than in English, anyway that bored him to death, so he toddled off to the galley to fix himself a sandwich when...

[Grunt]

a wooden ...

[Caliban]

...oval...

[Termite]

serving platter filled with....

[silentC]

... peaty ...

[Termite]

...pity patty party pies...

[ernknot]

porky pies

[Driver]

... and it was a porky pie that Roger the Cabin Boy had told when he said to the captain:-

"Yer sausage and mash has gone over the side"

It hadn't. What had happened, of course, was ...

[Caliban]

Roger had spilled some shellawax on the plate of food and...

[MarkV]

through one of those freak occurences caused it to be transported to the galley of an alien spaceship which

[craigb]

..was carrying Fgurgle the triple breasted whoire (remember her?).

Fgurgle looked at the bangers and mash and ...

[bitingmidge]

exclaimed loudly.."Bloody Hell...Craig must have broadband! Then burst into song....It's 9 o'clock on a Saturday.....

[Bob Willson]

After a few seconds of wincing at the, less than melodious, sound of her own voice she looked at her meal again and thought to herself "Why do those sausages remind me of Semen Staines big? ..

[ernknot]

toe, which is rather odd because his fingers also look like sausages. Why is she thinking of sausages. Is it because she has maternal stirrings and feel that a good.....

[craigb]

bit of pork on her fork would put her in the mood?

No actually. What it did do was to remind her what a complete and utter tosser Seaman Staines was and how shabbily he'd treated her when he'd chained her to his Triton.

In fact it mad her so angry that....

[Caliban]

he started a saturation bombing type advertising campaign to convince most Australian woodies that the said triton was actually a good bit of gear...

[MarkV]

unfortunately at this time a Vogon Constructor fleet was approaching with the intention of putting a stop to this type of rubbish

[Caliban]

and all the silly boys like Suresh went out and bought a Leda table saw, complete with dodgy riving knife instead, then they clogged up these forums with requests for advice. Whereupon all those in the know said...

[MarkV]

What on earth were you thinking?:eek:

[Caliban]

Yes, what exactly were you thinking?
Hey?
Didn't Neil dedicate a whole section of these forums to the worship of (bow, scrape) Triton products?
You were warned.
Look what happened to those who strayed from the true faith, like Ke#$%ll,
lucky sanity saved me from typing the name of he who shall not be mentioned. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :cool:
enough, I'll be good now, promise
No really , I'll be uncharacteristically nice. ;)

[ozwinner]

Just then Al burst into the room, foil cap at the ready, bow tie set ascue on his manly well formed neck, nether regions unnethered.
With that glint in his eye, that so many damsels had fallen waste too, he said................

[Caliban]

mis spelled both waist and to. :D :D

[MarkV]

ello ello ello what have we got ere then ?

[ernknot]

There it was, the brand new 10" table saw, aching to be used.....

[MarkV]

riving knife,firm,erect,glistening

[Grunt]

in the sun. The power was on ...

[craigb]

The blade was spinning. Slowly, Al approached the table...

[MarkV]

feeling distinctly nervous with his nether regions unnethered:eek:

[Grunt]

he, in a fit of stupidity, grabbed the spinning blade and had three fingers sliced off. The index finger, recently of his right hand, touched the back of the blade causing kickback. The finger was thrown back at Al and ...

[MarkV]

became lodged halfway down his throat

[ernknot]

which reminded him of that time during the Sydney Mardi Gras...