So what's all this about, then?

[Grunt]

a mess. All the blood and guts are licked clean from the ground.". Percy also had a very long tongue which combined with his large proboscus made him very popular with a little over 50% of the population.

[Termite]

With his large proboscis it was very entertaining watching him lick....

[Caliban]

Susan back into life and back into this story, the first thing she said on being revived was, "Oh Cyrano, where have you been all my life? I've (literally) been dying for a licking like that!"
Whereupon Cyrano replied...

[ernknot]

the sugar out of the bottom of his coffee mug....

[Christopha]

..... was usually found hanging from an ornately carved and richly gilded wooden......

[HappyHammer]

Hang on Hang on, Ernknot's response times not what it used to be so back to Hovo....


Susan back into life and back into this story, the first thing she said on being revived was, "Oh Cyrano, where have you been all my life? I've (literally) been dying for a licking like that!"
Whereupon Cyrano replied...
"mnmnmnmnmnmnmnmn" because his tongue had gone numb due to Susans ability to hold on to...

[ernknot]

her position in the back of the ......

[HappyHammer]

..truck that had spilled cheap coffee machines all over the road causing....

[ernknot]

traffick to grind to a halt because of all the dregs and...

[Caliban]

...old pharts who used really bad puns like "grind to a halt", and all the police sniffer dogs who were running around in a state of confusion because everyone knows that drug importers use coffee grinds to throw the poor dogs off the scent. But one of these dogs was once in the vice squad and he recognised Susan's unmistakeable aroma from the time he'd met her before. He said to himself, I know that aroma it is...

[HappyHammer]

...Cyrano breath. Cyrano started running but....

[echnidna]

,,,,he slipped on the old gummies at the bottom of the cliff ....

[ozwinner]

So...... what was Cliff doing there?

[echnidna]

looking for projector bits and pieces

[Caliban]

but all he found were bits and pieces of Cyrano's tortured tongue and bits of wooden...

[ernknot]

tongue depressor..

[Grunt]

Which Cliff found somewhat depressing. He then promptly committed suicide by ...

[echnidna]

.....
he gassed himself by sticking his head in a electric oven and turning it on ....

[ernknot]

grill and turbo fan, but alas....

[Perthite]

.named Narelle was passing by and noticed the aroma of cooking. She went to him and proceeded to pull

[Grunt]

his pants down and ...

[Perthite]

smiled knowingly and exclaimed......

[HappyHammer]

...you've got plenty to live for I'll introduce you to my friend Dirk....

[silentC]

... ". 'Dirk' was a 12" ...

[HappyHammer]

...Band Saw....

[Driver]

.. cunningly disguised as a 12" pianist, the result of a fundamental error on the part of a hearing-disadvantaged leprachaun some years previously. Dirk had never really managed to overcome the social stigma of his diminutive stature, despite ...

[Caliban]

his wooden

[Termite]

...approach to life, which limited his opportunities for....

[HappyHammer]

..getting any....

[silentC]

... horse - one of a pair owned by himself and another little boy from his youth who was now off riding with the cavalry with a strange 3-legged man called Jake. The wooden horse was tall enough to raise him up to eye level, which made it easier to ...

[silentC]

It's a photo finish for the triffecta!!

[vsquizz]

Pick up the other little boy on his wooden horse

[HappyHammer]

..the chainsaw chick from the latest edition of Aussie Wordworking came through and chopped them into pieces with her new stihl. Standing legs apart she....

[Caliban]

reminded them of someone who could roger the cabin boy in a way that would make his eyes pop out of his wooden...

[HappyHammer]

..head, hang on Woger has morphed into Pinnochio. Anyway the chick or chic as AW calls her decides to wreak a little havoc with the chainsaw and...

[Bob Willson]

locking Rogers little wooden bits into a handy vice she started up the chain saw and approached him with a large degree ..

[silentC]

... of trepidation. Was this really the best use of such scant materials? Would she be better lopping it off and using it to turn up a pen, or perhaps a gavel? Nah, bugger she thought, I've always wanted to try chainsaw carving on a live subject - I know, I'll carve a ...

[HappyHammer]

...toothpick which...

[Termite]

...can also be used as a straw for...

[HappyHammer]

..extracting ear wax. The chick starts up the chainsaw and...

[Bob Willson]

. just before she can actually attack the object of her desires, said object emits a massive ..

[HappyHammer]

..electrical pulse which disables the chain saw and frees itself and its mates from the vice, they then turn on the chick and....

[Termite]

...having made sure that she was actually turned on and not just faking it , they then proceeded to ....

[HappyHammer]

..back her into a corner and...

[Driver]

... suggest that she reconsider her position.

She mused on this for a moment and said:-

"Leesten vary carefoolly. I shall say zees only wence. Seexty-Nahn!"

"An excellent position to take!" They all ...

[HappyHammer]

....watched as Roger did a handstand in the corner. "You might have a problem as all the blood rushes to your....

[Driver]

..wooden ...

[silentC]

... nose. By the way, why is your nose so much longer than your ...

[Driver]

... Mujingfang smoothing plane (aka the ol' Moojie smoothie)?

[Kris.Parker1]

It's just because it is so cold in this bloody...

[Driver]

... corner of the Good Ship Venus.

Normally, of course, cold would have the effect of reducing the proportions of affected appendages but, dear reader (if you're still with us) you must remember that Roger is inverted - doing a handstand, in fact - and that his inversion causes opposite effects to the norm. Speaking of whom ...

[Caliban]

Norm (by another freak hiccup in the scriptwriters thought patterns) suddenly found himself transported from the comfort of his sport watching chair into the midst of the good ship Venus. When he saw Roger, upside down, naked and unaffected by the cold he was suddenly more interested in participating in a little sport rather than simply being a spectator, so he whipped out his...(don't say wooden, anyone)...

[echnidna]

.... harmonica....

[Caliban]

and "with them windshield wipers slapping time and Bobby clapping hands, we finally sang up every song that Driver knew!"

[craigb]

Anyway, after Norm had finished his slightly dodgy rendition of the Kris Kristoffsen classic, he reverted to type and started demonstrating his woodworking skills. "I'll just put in a couple brads" was his catchphrase and it was something that drove ....

[Caliban]

the slightly deaf chainsaw chic into defensive mode because she thought he was intending to impregnate her with a couple of "brats", so she fired up the beast and proceeded to...

[Driver]

... power those brads home thus pointing up the difference between Norm and his acolytes (the Normites) and the various Galoots and Neanderthals who clove loyally to their hand-powered ...

[Caliban]

cabin boys

[craigb]

who were o.k. for sweeping the shed floor but absoulutely useless when it came to setting up the table saw for a dado cut.
In fact, Norm was so disgruntled that he seriously considered ....

[Grunt]

putting parts of the cabin boys anatomy into the thicknesser but decided against it because ...

[craigb]

it wouldn't look good on TV.

So to punish them he sent them out back to the sawpit and gave them a log of spotted gum and said "Boys, I want you to...

[Christopha]

,,,, weduthe thith wooden thing to mere thplinterth and thtop wiggling ththe cute little bunth at me becauthe it maketh me go all......

[vsquizz]

wooden...

[ernknot]

eyed upon which the ......

[silentC]

... cabin boys squealed in unison "Hang on, you're not Norm Abram, you're that fat guy from the 'Life Be In It' ads, you know, the one that looks like Gough. All hail Gough. Get down here in this pit, boy, and let's see that blubber fly." Realising that something peculiar was going on, Norm took out his ...

[Driver]

... one and only hand tool and ...

[Termite]

...with his one and only hand, proceeded to...

[silentC]

... crack a beer with it. "You've got to be yanking my chain if you think I'm getting in that pit with you, I'm going inside to watch the telly. There's a new show called ...

[Driver]

... "This Really, Really Old House". It's all about cave and hovel renovations and I want to ...

[Caliban]

get an ex member of a male strip show to run the gig and charm the pants off little old ladies because we have to take public attention away from the paedophile tendencies of our forebears

[Driver]

At this point, Seaman Staines intervened.

"But, Norm!" he said. "What are we going to do with all the old ladies' knickers once they have been charmed off them?"

"I've got an idea!" said Roger, returning to an upright position. "Let's ...

[silentC]

... put them over our heads and hold up the local Bunnings. I need some ...

[Grunt]

When Susan read this she put the book down again. Increasingly she felt that this book was written by a complete lunatic however it was oddly compelling. It did trouble her that she seemed to be a character that briefly appeared in the story. Susan picked up the book again and ...

[Driver]

.. found herself standing outside Bunnings with a pair of very roomy knickers on her head, ranged alongside Roger the Cabin Boy, Seaman Staines and good ol' Norm, all attired in similar headgear. They moved purposefully towards a large display of ...

[echnidna]

... called its publisher in the hope she could sell this whole thread to him as a fantasy novel with TV spin offs ....

[Bob Willson]

The publisher of course refused, because that would have been a serious breach of copywrite. This had absolutely no effect on Roger the cabin boy, nor on Seaman Semen Stains. They, taking this unexpected break in the story line as an excuse for a little bit of hanky panky, had, after ensuring that Susan was still essentially blinded by the very roomy and also somewhat pungent knickers, had sneaked into a little used section of the Bunnings Hardware store that actually gave away ..

[Caliban]

a hard cover book binding with which the omnipotent decided to end this thread as no quality replies had recently been forthcoming (we can only wish)

[silentC]

froze, his hand poised over the mouse, which was poised over the 'close thread' button on the screen before him. He shifted his gaze to the autographed picture hovo had sent to him last Christmas.

"Do I really want to listen to anything this fellow says?"

[craigb]

To which he answered to himself , "No not really. Actually I prefered the story when Staines, Norm and Roger were outside Bunnies. I wanted to see what was going to happen next"

So ....

[Caliban]

listened to what he thought was the voice of reason, actually it was the voice of SilentC and as the autographed photo he'd sent to wasn't of himself but a character from an old film called "a Clockwork Orange", he decided not to listen to that voice either. So smiled to himself and said
"Now Children!, I do read these pages!"
whereupon they all decided to behave and went back to making lurid second hand jokes about the cabin boy and his adventures in ...

[Bob Willson]

Fortunately for Hovo, he was somehow precipitated into an entirely different time/space/warp/dimensionless/story improbable future where after an indeterminate amount of time (which refused to actually exist where he was presently not living but something else entirely) has not exactly passed but gone anyway, he metamorphosed like a beautiful butterfly into the godhood (that awaits all those who are worthy) at the end of the universe. :D Better? :D :D

Meanwhile, Roger and Semen having finished their rogering had wandered outside to have a look at Susan who was still struggling with the bloomers that were now even more wrapped around her head. The frantic struggles that Susan had been going through had loosened her clothing to such a degree that when Roger bent over he could clearly see ..

[craigb]

That Norm had dissapeared from the story. Also, it was rather strange that nobody had commented on the fact that Susan had risen from the dead, having been shot by a private Dick from the milkboard some pages back.

Staines meanwhile...

[Grunt]

decided to take a course in 'Pig Rogering for Beginners'. Staines discovered his true calling and decided to ...

[echnidna]

become a priest...

[ernknot]

so he could practise his shirt lifting

[Driver]

... outside Bunnings. This provided a diversion for the queue at the sausage sizzle. While their attention was diverted, the remainder of the Hole in the Drawers Gang continued to advance purposefully upon the display of ...

[craigb]

...wooden..




(THe Hole in The Drawers Gang :D , I was going to give you a greenie for that but the board wouldn't let me :D )

[ernknot]

shoes....

[craigb]

In fact they were cloggs. Bunnies was having a Dutch themed sale, so there were windmills, dykes and all manner of Netherlands cliches all over the store.

This led Roger to turn to Norm and say...

[Grunt]

"Have you ever stuck your finger in a dyke?". Norm replied "Yes, and then she punched me in the mouth."

[Driver]

Having done their worst with the Dutch joke opportunity, the Gang raced into Bunnies, raided the clog display and clattered slowly off up the road. They attracted the sort of attention any group wearing capacious bloomers on their heads and really noisy footwear would attract.

A passerby turned to his life's companion and said:-

"Look, there's ...

[vsquizz]

a bunch of Dyke...builders and Norm overhearing said immediatley "we Yankees don't callem Dykes we call em.....

[Driver]

... levees."

The passerby thought he said "Levis" and became very confused. However, nothing daunted, Norm started to introduce the rest of the Gang. He only got as far as "Roger the Cabin Boy" when Staines did exactly that.

Roger said: "Jeez, just once it would be nice for someone to mention my name without it leading to the kind of situation that causes the average citizen to ...

[craigb]

throw a bucket of water over me and then call the cops. Quite frankly, I'm bloody sick of it Stainesy".

This litlle outburst caused Seaman to utter ....

[ernknot]

crap! What's next?

[Caliban]

obviously
what's next is a gift voucher to Bunnings who never seem to have the catalogue item you want in stock. True! I only wanted the stanley chisel grinding jig for $34.95. tHEY DIDN'T HAVE ONE , BUT HAD A SUPERCRAFT ONE FOR $23.95, tIMBECON HAVE THE SAME THING (UN BRANDED) FOR $11.35.
Love bunnings, didn't buy anything.
Come on Doorstop, let me have it, they helped your dad, big deal!

[ernknot]

When he awoke from his nightmare hed thought, "I must stop smoking crack......"

[Bob Willson]

..followed immediately by "Hold on, I'm not smoking crack, my crack is smoking"

Looking down he was able to assure himself that the crack in his ..

[Grunt]

was indeed smoking and he reminded himself that he need to buy more vaseline.

It was then that Staines shouted "Liar Liar, Cracks on Fire" and proceeded to ...

[Driver]

... perform a clog ...