So what's all this about, then?

[Grunt]

started to play with his ...

[vsquizz]

Joystick and soon found a blowup mail order..

[craigb]

plane. Which was absolutely useless for woodwork but really good for using as a ..

[Driver]

... means to an end. Quite what end Roger had not determined when, suddenly, nothing happened!

He was so amazed at this development that he ...

[echnidna]

inadvertently dropped a floatie in his bathtub....

[ernknot]

which was empty at the time. He quickly dashed out of the bathroom not wanting to be blamed for the decaying polly waffle....

[Driver]

... and almost ran headlong into a pig in a spacesuit,

"Hell's Teeth!" thought Roger. "There's that bloody Muppet again. The captain of the Starship Swinetrek. What was his name?"

He didn't have time to stop and converse with the porker because he had decided that he needed to put some distance between himself and the contents of the bathtub. He took off, leaving the porcine aerospace adventurer (what the hell was his name anyway?) to wonder ...

[Caliban]

why grown, seemingly sane persons, spend valuable time writing this drivel. But he thought if I say that aloud, I'll become a pariah like that whatsisname person, so he just walked into the room recently vacated by Roger just in time to ...

[Christopha]

... shave off al of his armpit hair to use as ......

[Caliban]

hearing protection for when the brown sticky smelly stuff hit the fan over Roger's recent antics, so...

[Driver]

... when Roger raced back in, pointed at the space-suit clad pig and shouted, triumphantly:-

"Link Hogthrob! Captain of the Starship Swinetrek! That's who you are!"

he failed to hear him. This is a pity because not many people ever remember this particular Muppet's name so it would have been pleasant for him to realise he was not entirely forgotten. However ...

[ernknot]

he must work on his image. Let's face it, a pig in space, wearing a silver suit and having a name no one remebers is a bit of a pain in the.....

[Christopha]

.... woodwork..... nearly as bad as termites up the ......

[Grunt]

space suits ablution tube. Suddenly, as is wont in this story, the Klingons re-appeared in a puff of space dust and obliterated the entire Muppet crew. The Klingons always detested any creature that looked like they were stuffed animals.

Roger was pleased with this turn of events because ...

[echnidna]

The big yellow canary looked and tasted like ....

[ernknot]

stuffed Muppet. They always taste the same thought Roger, why can't they taste like crumpet he mused, crumpets are nice and fluffy and......

[Driver]

... Roger was quite obviously fantasising.

How would he know what crumpet tastes like? All his previous experience had been on the Good Ship Venus and the other good ship Very Little Gravitas, mixing with crew members like Seaman Staines. Not the sort of background that would give a young bloke much of a clue about crumpet.

However, all this was about to change because, suddenly ...

[Caliban]

the Klingons had introduced him to a whole new ball game (cuisine wise, and any pun there was unintentional. ;) ).
Mr Ex cabin boy, ex apprentice, now man about town, debonaire Roger had learned about...

[Driver]

... Nouvelle Cuisine where less is more. Being a complete dickhead, Roger fell for this pretentious, minimalist crap, hook, line and sinker. He began to ponce about the place, extolling the virtues of tiny slivers of under-cooked vegies arranged "tastefully" on enormous platters.

This, naturally enough, engendered a good deal of ill-feeling towards Roger amongst the rest of the crew, who, accordingly ...

[Caliban]

threw the puncy little overboard along with his fondue set...

[Christopha]

... the one with the wooden accoutrements that had been presented to him by on the occasion of his........

[Grunt]

first time on his knees. Roger loved his fondue set so much that he wouldn't let it go. The weight of it dragged Roger down and deeper into the water and he drowned.

Roger, having died many times before was not perturbed by this turn of events. Roger found himself ...

[silentC]

... sinking down towards the ancient lost city of Atlantis, where Nouvelle Cuisine had yet to be invented. Captain Nemo was waiting for him with his long, thin, seaman filled ...

[craigb]

Nautilous (sp?). He was part of the way through his 40,000 leagues so he had time to pick up the hapless Roger anf his fondue set.

Opening the sub's hatch he ...

[Driver]

... just had time to shout "DOH!!" before he was engulfed by thousands of gallons of seawater flooding in through the hatch (which tends to happen when you open the hatch whilst submerged).

Although this was a significant setback ...

[silentC]

... it had happened a few times before and the crew knew the drill. While the second mate sucked up the water with his GMC wet and dry shop vac, the rest of the crew closed the hatch and set about fixing the pleats in Captain Nemo's trousers. "I wish I could remember to stop doing that," murmured the captain, glancing at a soggy piece of paper in his pocket, "fortunately we are just about to dock at Atlantis to pick up somne more ...

[Caliban]

to pick up somme more....
Battle plans?
sorry, now the real answer, ...some more...
wooden skewers, seeing as how we now likely to be having a fondue party..

[Grunt]

with Roger juice as the dipping sauce and balls ...

[Driver]

... akimbo, the crew danced a hornpipe as the fondue was marched into the fo'csle by the galley stewards.

Captain Nemo was a bit off-put by this display of nautical tradition and he ...

[silentC]

.. was not at all a fan of fondue, although apparently it was all the rage in Western Australia. Nevertheless he had found in situations like this, with an impending stopover in Atlantis, that it was better to let the crew get it out of their system now before they unleashed upon the unsuspecting Atlantians their ...

[Driver]

... overwhelming fascination with dance as an art form.

In itself, of course, there is nothing reprehensible about taking an interest in dancing. However, in the case of the crew of the Nautilus, lack of coordination combined with total lack of rhythm and serious tone-deafness, turned their terpsichorean forays into a different art form altogether. One more reminiscent of ...

[Grunt]

Fat Lady Nude Jelly Wrestling. This is the sort of thing that Captain Nemo ...

[Driver]

... enjoyed when it involved fat ladies (think Benny Hill's character in the original movie: The Italian Job) but when it involved the scrawny male crew of the Nautilus, he found it stomach-turning. This condition is not a good pre-cursor to any meal involving fondue, and ...

[echnidna]

resulted in a techni-color yawn in the centre of the dining room floor....

[craigb]

which although disgusting, reminded the crew of that seminal Barry McKenzie song, "We Chundered in the Old Pacific Sea".

So they decided to do an all singing all dancing and further more, all puking rendition of it:
Ready mr music?

"I was down on Manly Pier
Drinking tubes of ice cold beer
With a bucket full of prawns upon the side ....

[ernknot]

and along came Manly mincing along the pier
saw me drinking my ice cold beer
and said" Hello ducks, do you have the time?"
'cause if you do you can.....

[Driver]

... (segue into another B. MacKenzie number from his time in London):-

One day as I strode
Along Earl's Court Road
Into a pub I was lured
"Where do you come from?"
Said a nosey Pom.
As I sipped the amber fluid.
"Well, I'll tell ya straight.
I'm Australian, mate.
And I feel like gettin' plastered.
But this beer's crook
And the girls all look
Like you, ya Pommy bastard".

[craigb]

Which prompted the crew to do an encore of the Chunder song:


I was down by Bondi Pier,
Drinkin tubes of ice cold beer,
With a bucket full of prawns upon my knee,
When I swallowed the last prawn,
I had a technicolor yawn,
And I chundered in the old Pacific Sea.

Drink it up, drink it up,
Crack another dozen tubes and prawns with me,
If you want to throw your voice,
Mate you won't have any choice,
But to chunder in the old Pacific Sea.

I was sittin in the surf,
When a mate of mine called Murf,
Asks if he can crack a tube or two with me,
The bastard barely swallowed it,
When he went for the big spit,
And he chundered in the old Pacific Sea.

Drink it up, drink it up,
Crack another dozen tubes and prawns with me,
If you want to throw your voice,
Mate you won't have any choice,
But to chunder in the old Pacific Sea.

I've had liquid laughs in bars,
And I've hurled from moving cars,
And I've chuckled when and where it suited me,
But if I could choose the spot,
To regurgitate me lot,
Then I'd chunder in the old Pacific Sea..

Drink it up, drink it up,
Crack another dozen tubes and prawns with me,
If you want to throw your voice,
Mate you won't have any choice,
But to chunder in the old Pacific Sea.

[silentC]

This was all getting a bit much for Nemo, so under the pretence of going to point Percy at the porcelain, bleed the lizard, and shake hands with the unemployed, he slipped out the back for a little ...

[craigb]

straining of the potatoes.

Meanwhile, Atlantis was fast approaching.

The officer of the watch, Lieutenant Flogswell .....

[Grunt]

Susan stopped reading and addressed the other 4 members of the Thursday Book Club. "As you can see, the book is very engrossing and has the ability to envolve those reading it into the story. I was reading it a while back and was killed. It hurt a bit but I'm better now. Sometime I think that the author is a bit schizophrenic because of the way the plot changes course."

Rachael, the blonde in the group with huge gazungas, piped up and said "...

[silentC]

... Can anyone tell me what to do with this bag of gazungas? I bought them from a Jewish deli down the road but I don't have any recipes."

Susan replied "...

[Termite]

...I don't know either, stuff them up your jumper to keep them warm untill....

[Grunt]

they ripen."

Lisa said "My Dad used to make gazungas mashed with yarbles. He made a lovely sauce out of ...

[Driver]

... the remains of a discarded fondue. So there's half a chance he may ...

[craigb]

a roue (sp) of flour and water to which he'd add milk. He used to love making it with Bernaise, who was a French maid that we used to employ.

Sometimes, just quitely, I think it was more than just sauce they made.

Why one day I walked in and found them ....

[Driver]

... conjugating an irregular French verb.

"Mon Dieu and coq au vin!" exclaimed Bernaise, rapidly adjusting her clothing. "What have we done?" She ...

[silentC]

... queried querulously, qualifying her query with a quick quip, "I mean, it's not like we're not grown adults you know." With that, she picked up the large ladle and began to ...

[Christopha]

crack a woody when he wades through the fog of Alzheimers and rea;lises it was the bloody Gazungas what did for him due the, the, the..... now where was I? Hells Bells, WHO am I?????.

[echnidna]

Monsueir you are Napoleon Bonaparte

[Christopha]

Merci Monsieur, I shall make you a Marshall in my army and send you to invade a small country for moi.....please bring back some.......

[echnidna]

...icy cold french fosters...

[Driver]

Unfortunately, due to a transcription glitch, this came out as "icy cold french foresters" which explains why Napoleon was eventually confronted by a small group of blokes in green kit, encrusted with ice particles, shivering and querying, querulously: "Quoi ...?"

Behind them loomed a lugubrious Pom wearing a downturned moustache and a French gendarme's uniform. He said:-

"Cin I holp ye?"

"Oh no!" they cried "It's ...

[echnidna]

...the muffin man....

[Grunt]

"

"Not the Muffin Man!" exclaimed Napoleon as he had a flash back to a movie with a green Ogre as the lead.

A donkey started to ...

[echnidna]

..gnaw on the back of his greatcoat as he pondered whether or not to...

[Driver]

... slowly transmogrify into a mule. Muffin the Mule!! (Which, by the way, is incorrectly considered by some to be an event at the Idiots Olympics: alongside such time-honoured sports as Heading the Shot and Catching the Javelin) ...

[ernknot]

This reminded him of the time he was entered in to Idiots Olympics but did not qualify. This negative event made him as happy as a one legged man at an a**e kicking contest. Enough of the past he thought, as he tapped his wooden leg and.....

[echnidna]

and realized it was infested with termites so he....

[Driver]

... dug a few out and chewed reflectively on them as he tried to remember the other event from the Idiots Olympics. The one that eluded his memory. What the hell was it ... that's it!

"Roger the Cabin Boy!" he exclaimed.

"Coming!" said Staines, gleefully, unfastening his pantaloons as he clambered back through the rip in the fabric of the universe ...

[craigb]

but as Staines was "sans cullottes" the rip closed in disgust. So Roger was saved from his lustful advances for once.

Thanks heavens thought Roger. If I have to put up with that buffoon invading my personal space one more time, I swear I'll ....

[echnidna]

take up woodwork for a hobby instead and no more BB for me.

[Driver]

"Now, children," said Susan. "I hope you understand that the plot deviations are intrinsic to the literary worth of this many-layered piece."

"What is she talking about?" said young Henry. "I can't make head nor tail of the plot. The only thing I have understood in this chapter is the bit about Napoleon making someone a Marshal of France."

"Does that mean he gets to pin a star on his waistcoat and smoke thin black cheroots?" said Herbert.

"Back in your box, you idiot!" quoth Henry, swatting him with a manuscript. "You're a ...

[craigb]

hobgoblin who should never see the light of day.

With Herbert the hobgoblin safely srowed, Susan was able to continue her tale of Marshall Crabtree and how it was that he managed to earn the Legion D'Honour.

You see children, it all started when Captain Crabtree, as he was then ...

[Caliban]

an ardent fan of Herr Flick of the Gestapho????, who on this occasion was dressed in his favourite...

[Christopha]

.....Wooden vest with the wooden buttons and his best pair of wooden pantaloooons which were unfortunately somewhat splintered, which explains why he exclaimed loudly, " I have a big prick!" as he...........

[Grunt]

pulled his wooden pantaloons down. He also suffered a splinter in the bum. Several of the book club ladies ...

[Driver]

... were dressed in trenchcoats and wearing black berets and ankle socks. Yes! this clearly identified them as members of the Resistance. Their leader, a tasty looking brunette, leaned forward and addressed Susan:

"Listen vary carefoolly," she said. "I shall say zees only wence! Get zat berm-spleentered Gestapo buffoon wiz zer wooden pantaloons out of zer plot line immediatement or my girls will be obliged to splinter more zan 'ees berm!"

Susan blinked a couple of times and ...

[craigb]

lo! it was so.

Captain Crabtree turned to the luscious ladies of the resistance and said:

Mon dieu, why do you tease me so, you little ...

[Driver]

But he was immediately interrupted by the tasty Michelle. Addressing him in perfectly enunciated upper clarse Pommy English, she said:-

"Pull yourself together, Crabtree! You're supposed to be impersonating a gendarme, old chap. Gendarmes don't flirt with members of the Resistance!"

This gave the Legion d'Honneur recipient serious pause - which was a bit of a bugger because they didn't really go well with his gendarme's uniform (the paws, that is). He attempted to scratch his head and succeeeded beyond his rather modest expectations. The resultant lacerations to the scalp induced a degree of sympathy from the increasingly tasty Michelle. She dug her official French Resistance Girls' Personal Medical Kit from the pocket of her trenchcoat and proceeded to ...

[AlexS]

...roll it onto the Captain's....

[craigb]

to give Crabtree succour.

"Mademoiselle!" ejaculated Crabtree, eet has bin a long time since I've been succoured like that.

To which the tasty Michelle said ...

[Driver]

"Why, you amorous secret agent!" said Michelle in her most seductive Franglais accent. "And I 'ave not even been awarded a medal!"

"Perhaps you misunderstood me," said the Captain. "I was not referring to the traditional peck each side of the face but rather ..."

[craigb]

something much more Eenglish.

As you know mme, the rosbifs are fond of zee stick. Zey learn ziz in their ...

[Driver]

.. upper class private schools (known as public schools)."

No sooner had the words left his lips than Michelle hurled him to the floor and began to have at him with a riding crop.

"Oh Bloody Hell, No! Ow! *****! Gawdelpus!" yelled Crabtree. "I went to a council elementary school! I'm not one of those bloody public school and Cambridge-educated Communist deviates! Stop whacking me!"

"Oh!" said Michelle. "Sorry! I thought you might like it!"

"No!" said Crabtree. " I ..."

[craigb]

love it!!

Now I know why I was always told not to have ideas above my station.

Those bloody aristos just wanted to keep the fun for themselves.

Crabtree was so outraged by this discovery that he resolved to ....

[Grunt]

go back to school and learn how to ...

[silentC]

... Roger the ...

[Driver]

...saurus (that was Roget, wasn't it?).

Roget's Thesaurus would possibly help Crabtree to find synonyms for those words he had most difficulty in pronouncing.

Michelle was delighted with this notion and showed her approval by ...

[ernknot]

scratching her bum with the salad fork which also came in handy as a......

[ozwinner]

salad fork

[Grunt]

and nose picker. When she attempted to use it, something amazing happened...

[ernknot]

the salad left on the fork dissapeared up her nose caisng her to .........

[echnidna]

sneeze very violently which sent her into a spin. As she spun faster and faster she spun in an ever dimishing circle until all of a sudden she....

[Driver]

...tore yet another hole in the fabric of the universe (or, as Crabtree was now qualified to advise her from his study of Roget's Thesaurus: omneity; whole; world; creation; all; sum of things etc).

Digging into the pocket of her trenchcoat, she extracted her official Resistance Girl's Sewing Kit and rapidly repaired the hole. In doing so, she managed to prevent that bugger Staines from clambering through again. However, he got a foot through before Michelle could entirely prevent him. Consequently, the fabric of the universe (omneity; whole etc) now had a puckered repair with Staines' foot sticking through it. An ugly sight which made Crabtree ...

[ernknot]

think of his half foot. I should not be envious he tought half a foot is ok in the scheme of things and as such he ....

[echnidna]

he pulled his tape measure out and measured up just to make sure he still had 6 inches

[ozwinner]

of double chin......and no........not the Chinese type.

Sorry Wongo.:o

[Driver]

Suitably reassured at the condition and scale of his equipment (and making a swift mental note to obtain a fresh supply of Max Factor Knacker Lacquer - he had observed a slight lack of lustre in the near vicinity of his cluster), Crabtree returned to the important task of chatting up Michelle (who still looked very tasty).

"Good moaning!" he said. "I may hiv sim good nose for you."

Michelle was used to Crabtree's appalling pronunciation of her native tongue so she only needed to make a slight mental adjustment to discern that the Captoon had glad tidings.

"Oh yes?" she said. "And what news might that be?"

"Well," he said, " ...

[ernknot]

"I forgot, nevertheless you look delicious and i wonder if I may have a bit of.....

[ozwinner]

fromage and bread......

[craigb]

"...avec a litre of vin ordinaire and we can, ow you say, 'ave zee pick a nick"

Crabtree was so excited by this prospect that his ...

[silentC]

... nipples exploded. "Mon dieu, sacre bleu, that shood nit ave appened. Ah blem thit 'ungarian freeze book thit smelly man in the tronch coat sold moo". With that, Crabtroo, err Crabtree, ...

[HappyHammer]

..decided he needed a rest and headed for the dunny for a slow . Upon entering said dunny.....

[craigb]

he thought " 'ere is my chance to intoduce some scatalogical humour to the story. But no, Crabtree is above such things, so he won't"

"Iinstead, I'll ....

[silentC]

... examoan theez coproleets thit I hove in my trooser picket. I foond them in ...

[HappyHammer]

...CraigB's magazine rack where "Give me more poo, I love it" featured prominently alongside a well worn dictionary and thesaurus....:p :D :rolleyes:

[Driver]

The poo in question was, of course, apple poo. Crabtree was also fond of steek 'n kodney poo and not averse to a helping of shiphard's poo. He settled down to contemplate a series of culinary delights and ...

[Grunt]

dropped his load into the dunny. He then asked the automated dunny to wipe the poo off his sphincter. The mechanical arm reached out and ...

[HappyHammer]

..grabbed his...