Another bloke on the scene

[Rossluck]

I've been separated from my wife for almost six months. I basically moved out because of a domestic violence situation (her, not me, believe it or not). I wanted her to see a psychiatrist or psychologist about her violence and do something about it.

Instead, I found out a few days ago that she is in the early stages of developing a relationship with another bloke. We have two young children (9,11) so for me this has come as a shock. I found out about it initially when my children showed me two fifty dollar notes they were given by "one of Mum's friends from work" called [male name]. I knew instantly that this fellow was "moving in", and subsequent information has confirmed this beyond doubt. Basically I'm devastated. It's a huge upheaval. I'm wondering if other men who have been through similar stuff have coped, and what you did to alleviate this terrible feeling of depair.

Right now I've completely lost my appetite, I can't sleep, and the images of my wife and her new partner keep spinning through my head. I probably should go and see a doctor and get anti-depressants, or anti-anxiety medication. Do these help?

[tea lady]

Right now I've completely lost my appetite, I can't sleep, and the images of my wife and her new partner keep spinning through my head. I probably should go and see a doctor and get anti-depressants, or anti-anxiety medication. Do these help?Yes they do help! And it also helps to talk to someone so you can sort your thoughts out and not stew over them. :console: Sounds like a s(&^ of a situation. She has obviously moved on, and has no intention of doing anything about her violence. I hope this new guy isn't hurt in the same way. :C

Just look after yourself I reckon. You might have to be available for your kids to rely on. :)

[RufflyRustic]

Hi Ross

Talking with your Doctor is a great idea, even if it is just a talk. He/She may even know about some men's groups in your area for talk/mutual support.


I totally agree with what Tea Lady said, too.

Good Luck!!

Wendy

[glenn k]

Yep it's a bummer Rossluck anti-depressants, or anti-anxiety medication may help just becarefull most are addictive. Take them if you need them not 5mg every four hours for the next 6 months. My ex run off with another bloke 23 years ago I got married 3 years latter to my present wife (should have been a bit more fussy) It still upsets me to think of my ex with another bloke but it was only 23 years ago; it does reduce over time.
Talking to others helps a lot, hope all goes well and keep loving your children.

[Master Splinter]

Right now I've completely lost my appetite, I can't sleep,

Been there, done that.

My ex 'shopped around' for a replacement before she had the courtesy of telling me she wanted a divorce. I guess she needed to have her new emotional support ready before she left the old one.

The replacement search (from a cold start) took her all of two weeks, so she is obviously a very discriminating person of high standards (I'll just gloss over the fact that she managed to get pubic lice from one of her shopping expeditions).

I was on anti-depressants (Zoloft) for around 18 months

Anti-depressants can work quite well, even though they do tend to give you a 'wrapped in cotton wool' feeling. There are a few different types anti-depressants available, and they all take a few weeks to kick in, so don't expect it to work miracles overnight.

/asshat on

How is asset splitting for the divorce going? Since you have moved out and she is looking after the children, you are already in a weaker position, asset split wise.

As she has physical violence issues that she refuses to get treatment for, I suggest you move back in to protect the children (there is nothing stopping you from doing this - it's still your place, I presume) until all the asset splitting is done.

If she doesn't like this, tough. She is free to move out.

My very strong advice would be to buy one of the cheap MP3 recorder devices (they are like $50 at Dick Smith) - they are silent, run off a AAA battery, give about 8 hours recording time, and can be slipped into a shirt pocket for inconspicuous recording of events - this way you don't have to base things solely on hesaid/shesaid recollections.

I cannot stress this strongly enough - never be near her without this running - otherwise that "No, I'm moving back in" statement becomes, in her recollection "I'm moving back in, b*tch, and I'm gunna' punch you senseless till you see that it's right," or even worse flights of fantasy. Ex's seem to be very good at 'making sh*t up' when it comes to divorce time.

Being able to play a recoding of you responding calmly and rationally while she goes off her head or makes threats is a nice thing to have up your sleeve if it comes to court.

As she has violence issues, I suggest you go for custody of the children.

/asshat off

[tea lady]

Yep it's a bummer Rossluck anti-depressants, or anti-anxiety medication may help just becarefull most are addictive. Take them if you need them not 5mg every four hours for the next 6 months. :? This is not quite true. Maybe Valium and tranquilizers were addictive, but they are not the same as anti depressants. Take anti depressants just as the doctor prescribes. And DON'T stop taking them suddenly. Not because they are addictive but cos you need to come off slowly. You won't be racing out to a "dealer" to get your next fix.:rolleyes:

[bsrlee]

Anti-depressants take a few weeks to really take effect - been there. DON'T make another mistake & take 'a few extra' to catch up - also a bad one. If one brand of pills won't work or makes you crook, get the doctor to give you another brand - the principal ingredient may be the same or only similar, but tiny changes in the pill can make big changes in you (one well known brand gave me the shakes, another one was OK).

If the GP just prescribes Vallium or some such & does not refer you to a specialist psychiatrist, get a new GP.

You should be referred to a psychiatrist by your GP - not a psychologist. Difference is a -iatrist can prescribe medication and is a real medical doctor, while a -ologist is just someone to chat to, with no formal medical training.

Ditto on the idea of a 'Men's shed' or similar blokes support group - trouble shared is trouble halved - an old saying & I have found its pretty much true.

You are not alone in the male being the victim of female violence - mate of mine has similar problems, if she really goes off the deep end it will be all over the front page. John Wayne was allegedly a 'battered husband' too.

[les88]

I am on anti depressant prescriped by my doc. For me they work.
If you share the ownership of the house, I would be back in a flash with a couple of mates and sort out the intruder. best of luck
les

[The Bleeder]

Ross,

I'm sorry and I feel for you. Just now getting my life back together after the same.

I'm now going to be rather clinical so don't take this the wrong way.

1. Get a lawyer
2. If you are still in the house this is better. Change the locks.
3. Remove anything of value that she doesn't know about.
4. If you have joint accounts get another account and move all the money.
5. Apply for custody of the kids. (if AVO's have been taken out or there is a police record of the Domestic Violence this will help) see No. 1 and also go to the Child Support Agency website then call and talk to them.

Now comes the really hard stuff. You have to wait for the wheels to slowly grid away so get to the doctors and talk to him/her about everything and I mean everything, this is the only way they can make a decision about what to do for you.

You have to trust someone. I was lucky as one of my mates was truly supportive and I also told him and his partner everything. They didn't judge me or her they just made sure I was going to do something irrational/stupid. BTW when I went to the doctors my mate and his partner came with me and because of that the doc didn't prescribe anything at the time but asked them to help monitor me and let him know of any changes that might be detrimental. (I think I was very lucky to have them)

After all of this then you have to deal with as I said before the Child Support Agency (if you don't get custody) and then the Family Court. (these two can be very frustrating at times).

It took nearly 3 years for all of mine to be cleaned up and this was through the Global Financial Crisis and I was the one who got cleaned out.

Hope this helps and once again I can only say sorry.

If you need anything just give me a PM.

[Rossluck]

Thankyou everyone for your great advice. I'm gradually coping a little better. This has come as a huge shock to me, but as I look back now I can see that my ex was gearing up for her new bloke for some time (two new exercise machines a few months ago and so on).

Basically, after years of intemittant violence, this all came to a head last Christmas Eve when she slipped in to one of her rages. These are a phenomenon that you have to see to belive, but recalling Linda Blair in The Excorcist would help. I tried to drift off to sleep because I was exhausted from dealing with her day-long tantrum, when she came into the spare bedroom where I was sleeping and smashed my guitar over me so hard that my hip put a hole through it's base (a Fender acoustic). Like most of her acts of violence, this was a sneak attack, where I only turned to see her as the guitar was on it's way down. It didn't hurt, I'm not a sook. I get hurt more in my job on a weekly basis than any of her attacks have ever hurt me. As we all know, the physical damage isn't the main point. It's the act of violence itself, and the potential for the guitar to be a knife, or a brick, or a hammer, and so on.

After she had hit me and I guess released her frustration, she went to bed. The next morning I did my best to help the kids open their xmas presents and to set up what they needed setting up, and then I gave them a hug and told them I had to go away for a few days, that I was sorry, but that there was a problem in the house that I had to think about. The atmosphere was really strange; the kids were simultaneously excited about opening their xmas presents and saddened at the same time by the horror of the previous day's temper devastation. They didn't know about the guitar attack.

So, I jumped in my car and headed to my wonderful mother's place in Sydney. My 80yo Mum's advice was clear and unequivocal: 'If you want to go on lying in bed waiting for her to come in and stab you, then that's your problem, but what right do you have to sit back and allow your two children to be raised in a violent household?'

So, duly chastened, I returned resolved to do something once and for all about this gigantic problem. I walked in the door and told her that she had to see a psychiatrist about her violence or our marriage was over. Her argument was that I cause her violence because I mentally abuse her. I have trouble accepting that I have ever mentally abused anyone in my life, so my next suggestion to her was that she see a psychiatrist, convince the psychiatrist that I'm mentally abusing her in some way, and then I'll go in and see the psychiatrist and he or she can point out to me how I'm doing it. But she refused.

So, I waited for six months, livind in the spare room, until her nighly sessions of verbal abuse drove me out into a unit at Kooralbyn (see photographic section!). I just lived here and worked and had my children out on the weekends, and waited for her to do something. Just recently she told me she was seeing a psychologist. OK, I thought, it's not quite the same as a psychiatrist, but it's a start. Then, I suddenly find that she has developed a relationship with someone else.

I know I've painted a wonderful picture here of myself as the faultless victim of an evil woman, and I'm sure that she could get on here and run an oppositional version of events that calls my version into question. But in the end there is a physical violence issue here that had to be dealt with above and beyond anything else, and I guess that in trying to deal with it I've lost my family unit forever.

[mikm]

Sorry to hear about the rough patch you're going through, fella.
While I am definitely no expert, considering:

...I've completely lost my appetite, I can't sleep, and the images of my wife and her new partner keep spinning through my head. You definitely should

...go and see a doctor...I reckon the forum is a good place to collect your thoughts, get a bit of generic support and obtain some practical advise such as that above from people who've gone through similar things, but I reckon you're going to need professional advice regarding your state of mind. It sounds like you need to seriously consider an appointment with a good GP who will then direct your path to recovery in a manner most suited to your circumstances. I'd be careful about getting fixed ideas about which flavour of head shrink is the best way to go or what family of drugs you will/should get after reading some of the earlier posts (I'm not taking a dig at the posters, by the way). Surely a GP is the best person to fill these details in.

Make sure you continue to keep the welfare of your kids firmly in mind, too.

Best of luck with it.
Mick

[Master Splinter]

/asshat again

It would be a good idea to get the kids assessed by a child psychiatrist (preferably one with a good family court reputation...ask your lawyer) - explain that they have been witnessing domestic violence/stressful family situation. What you are after is a report that indicates that the kids have seen your ex verbally (or physically) abusing you and that they feel afraid when she is like that. (Basically this is independent corroboration of the abuse - that's why you get the report done by an expert, as they aren't going to have a presumed bias).

/asshat off

And as for your ex's comments that you are mentally abusing her - you need to get in the female frame of mind to understand this....it means that she has been feeling unhappy/unloved/un'something' for the past one, two, five, ten years and you haven't magically read her mind to find this out and then equally as magically fixed it.

From her point of view you are supposed to be able to pick up on her suppressed emotions and 'make them all right' without any communication or effort on her part - the fact that you haven't done so is 'mental abuse' in her eyes.

Another way of looking at it is that you have been abusing her as you have not lived up to the expectations she had when you got together. She might not have had these expectations at the time, or indeed at any time at all except right now, but she has now gone through her memories and re-evaluated every single part of your relationship and framed the results to put you in a bad light.

You didn't want to go to her cousin Bob's wedding because he's a dick - so it's your fault you didn't go (and she will never forgive you for this), but if you did go, its your fault she got tipsy and embarrassed herself terribly because you let yourself get talked into going in the first place when you know that she thinks that cousin Bob is a dick (and she will never forgive you for this).

This revisionist mindset is used irrespective of whether the discussion about Bob's wedding was a quick "Shall we go?" "Do we have to, he's kind of a dick?" "Yea, ok, we wont, I'm booked to get my hair done that weekend anyway", or 45 minutes of argument and couterargument followed by one of you sleeping on the couch that night.

She's already made her emotional decision, now she needs to 'rationalise' it to cast herself in a blameless light. (I think women were into retroactive continuity (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Retroactive_continuity) long before serial writers picked up on the idea!)

Oh - your Mum's advice was spot on!

[glenn k]

Yes womans though process is totally different to a mans. We think about things look at the pro and cons and make a decision. Women make a decision based on intuition? then justerfy their decision latter. This is why women make better managers sometimes when a quick decision is more important than a correct decision.
My ex said to me after she left the bloke she ran off with and we had a long chat and lots of sex "It's a shame it's too late now I wish you had explained that to me before we broke up" But she could not accept that she had made a bad decision as it was totally justified in her mind and her friends mind.
I can understand the hurt you are feeling Ross even though your break up was totally different to mine. My ex came back when she was horny regularly for 2 years and I just new we would be together for ever and this was just a low spot then she met another fella and then after not seeing her for several months I was told by a friend on the Monday that she was married on the Saturday worst day of my life I think I would have handled it better if I was told she had died.
I realize now there are things I could have done to save this relationship (If I would have understood her thought process or lack thereof) but at the time I was just an inocent victim, but I tried as hard as I could at the time.

[Rossluck]

Slowly getting better.

[Waldo]

What can I write?

:console:

If it were just a couple splitting up, that's one thing. But the break-up of a family when children are involved for me would be the death of me. :C

[Rossluck]

Thanks everyone. It's good to have people to talk to and to offer advice. I'm on antidepressants and I have sleeping tablets if I need them. I'm slowly processing the stuff that is happening and should gradually recover. Thanks again.

[dai sensei]

Crap, just saw this thread. Hate it when couples break up, but sometimes it was meant to be.

Been there twice (although totally different situations) and can offer advise or just an ear if need be. Welcome to call in anytime (details in public profile if you have lost them).

Cheers

[Daddles]

Bugger Ross.
My ex had her new boyfriend sleeping over within two days and he was living there within three weeks.

It does get better and eventually, if you allow yourself to, you do move on.

The depression is a real bastard. Get a doctor involved. The modern antidepressants are very good and do help but bear in mind that they're only helping you cope by cutting the tops off the symptoms - you can still get deeply depressed while on the things. Exercise works and works well as a management tool. Give yourself a small goal in life (such as my Little Black Dog (http://www.woodworkforums.com/f169/little-black-dog-msd-rowing-skiff-adelaide-oz-94191/) , the boat's name being a dig at the disease with the diminutive an intentional note of contempt) but don't invest too much in the success of the project, the aim is to give you a task and an interest.

The kids are the hard one. Just keep being a good and involved Dad. Don't get too strung up about some other bloke playing 'daddy' - if he's good at it, just be pleased for your kids. You'll never lose your kids, no matter what the cow tries. Just be there for them and be with them and enjoy the peace and quiet when you're on your own (THAT is a hard trick).

Life does move on though. I've done it twice (needed the practice :wink:). It's been nearly six years since the last one, my kids are fine, I'm a manageable mess and am slowly building a life with a lovely woman (we plan to marry when the older kids on both sides move out).

There's no real path to success because not only are everyone's circumstances different, so too are the way different people react to different things. The main points are exercise, as little booze as you can mange, taking life one step at a time, even if they're small steps and being gentle with yourself. Talking about it helps too but so is just going around to a mate's place to talk woodies stuff.

Richard

[rsser]

Wot Richard said.

Anti-depressants buy you some time to get back on your feet. They're not a long-term solution and coming off them can be a v. unpleasant experience.

You should be acknowledging and respecting your feelings (rage, sadness, and anxiety about the future?) and talking about them with someone you trust will take some of the disabling force out of them.

All the best.

[kekemo]

Heart felt support & friendship goes to all who suffer "grief"... loss of partnership ... way of life.... family .... kids... husbands... wife.... IF WE LOSE WHAT WE CHERISHED WE GRIEVE.....

Lost hubby 4 years ago now... & still grieve deeply, feel my life will never recover... our love was one of those amazing gifts we had a "golden marriage"... we were soul-mates...
Each day is a battle to go on... to act normal so the rest of society THINK your OK...
My heart is shattered my life is torn apart... my nights are a living nightmare.... my only solace is working in woodshed... & living in memories....
As much as I grieve for my loss....I'm saddened because there isn't someone else.... I'm too afraid to actively look & terrified of getting hurt again... I know death isn't rejection... but the loss was/is so hard to endure I never want to experience that again... so Im set to make sawdust alone for quite sometime...
... lots of us live in hope... some of us live in despair... I just live... from day to day... & woodwork is my way of coping.... it soothes my soul...

.... thinking of you my friend.... sincerely believe woodworkers are very kind hearted ... caring & sharing creative souls who make this world a better place...
....its amazing what wood can do for us... experience the true feeling of wood....... it transfers from "sawdust to soul-food"........

Cheers KEKEMO