The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[Caliban]

"Not without me you're not!" interrupted Sally.
Which dear reader, meant Roger had to stay in the school. If we allow Sally to enter the antics on board the Very Little Gravitas Indeed then who knows where it would end. Talk about a precedent. Wher would it end? Driver on the ship?:eek: SilentC? Me????
Alice could enter wonderland.
Michael can enter Neverland.
But we, the writers must never enter this story, or could we...

[fxst]

"no we couldn't Jim" commented Driver "or the next thing to happen is Al would become involved with hampsters as up until now we have no goats in this fable .....or trolls for that matter"
to resolve the problem Roger (minus VC & Bar) fell to his knee (german for nee) and proposed to Miss Sally and on her saying yes he popped back through the rip with a cheery "I will return" and Miss Sally with a tear in her eye said.........................

[Driver]

...while he's away at sea, I can probably resume where I left off with Sebastian ...."

Meanwhile, all unknowing of his putative fiancee's plot, Roger materialised on the poop deck of the the good ship VLGI.

"Cabin boy! Cabin boy there!" The captain was striding up and down the weather side of the poop. "Lay aft to the galley and bring me a cup of cocoa!"

"Aye aye, sir!" Roger sped galley-wards.

"Y'know," said Dogsbreath to Frontbottom. "This reminds me ..."

"I'm going to find it hard to believe that you drank a lot of cocoa in the Cowsucker's Udder or whatever that Orstraylian hostelry was called," said Frontbottom, blowing into his pipe to produce a cheerful tooting sound.

"Nah," said Dogsbreath. "Bugger cocoa, mate. I was reminded more of ..."

[Caliban]

...the Guiness(spelling?) Factory in Dublin where...

[Driver]

...I first met a girl called sweet Mollie Malone - as she wheeled her wheelbarrow through the streets broad and narrow, crying: "Cockles and mussels! Alive! Alive-Oh!"

"You seem, old chap," said Frontbottom, giving vent to another toot. "To be extracting the antipodean urine."

"We-e-ell," said Dogsbreath. "Yer've gotta admit, the bloody plot's gorn a bit stale, mate. I mean - nothing much happening, is there?"

"True," said Frontbottom, between toots. "Very, very true."

There was a pause on the poop deck. Frontbottom and Dogsbreath observed the crew on the maindeck. Groans was occupied in re-loading his arquebus. Staines, with a typically gormless Stainesian expression, was occupied in scratching portions of his anatomy that need not concern the discerning reader. Roger passed swiftly by, bearing a steaming mug of cocoa for the captain.

Frontbottom drew a breath, expelled it through his pipe with a merry toot, filled said pipe with a heady mixture of Royal Marines' Best Shag, lit same and drew a calming lungful. Turning to Dogsbreath, he said:

"By the bye - been meaning to ask you this for a while. Seems like an opportune moment. When we were heading for a potentially sticky collision on the rocks recently, you did something with that pole of yours that seemed to avert the disaster. What was all that about? Hmm?"

"Yair," said Dogsbreath. "Wondered when you'd get round to asking about that. Well, it's because of the thing with Nemo Corporation, Sponcracker and his droids and that weird Tam O'Shanter and his brother Tim. Might help if I explain that my name's not really Dogsbreath Mechanical Engineer. It's Doctor Respiration du Chien."

"Doctor Who?" said Frontbottom.

"No mate, he's a bloody Time Lord. I'm a Rip Lord. Not the same thing at all."

"You've lost me completely." Frontbottom's pipe had gone out and nary a toot was to be heard in its near vicinity, such was the concentration he was focussing (not without good reason, as we shall see) on Dogsbreath.

"Rip Lord. I have powers in connection with the good old RITFOTU. I can ...."

[Caliban]

"Ya ken?"
"I dinna even know ye were Scottish!" replied Frontbottom looking even more preplexed.
"I'm ...

[Driver]

.. beginning to think this conversation is not going anywhere." The normally imperturbable Dogsbreath was feeling rattled.

"I'm feeling rattled. Let's start again. You asked me about my pole and how I managed to prevent the Very Little Gravitas Indeed from foundering on those rocks ...."

"(Toot!) Yes, that's it, old chap. Then you said something utterly incomprehensible." Frontbottom looked not at all rattled but was unusually attentive. "I'm all ears," he said.

"Well, dunno about that, mate! I mean, there's a touch of the wingnut, for sure. But compared with some people - HRH Prince Chuck, for example ..."

"Oh do get on with it, for heaven's sake! No need to comment on a chap's ears, I mean to say ..." Frontbottom busied himself with his pipe, muttering under his breath. However, he continued to pay close attention to his fox-hatted companion.

"OK. It must have occurred to you before now that the events connected with the Rip are not purely random happenstance. Take Michelle of the Resistance, for example. She and her girls can cross the Rip when summoned. Sponcracker and his droids are able to move to and fro without let or hindrance. So it must also have occurred to you that someone exercises control over the Rip. Right!"

"Oh, well yes! Absolutely old man. Of course. Knew someone was in control all along (Toot!)" Frontbottom affected a knowing nonchalance.

Dogsbreath gazed at him for a long moment.

"Yair. Well. The control was exercised by me, sport. Yer friendly Aussie Rip Lord. Don't much like the Lord bit, meself. Doesn't sit well with my credentials as an Aussie but it's a convenient way of explaining that nothing and no-one gets through the Rip In The Fabric Of The Universe without my say-so. Until very recently, that is. There's been a bit of a blue in the space-time continuum and a couple of things have happened outside my control."

"Things like what, old chap? Or should I call you M'Lud?"

"Jeez, mate! No! Just call me Dogsbreath! Things like that upimself bugger Moichael O'Flatulence nipping in and out, for example. Not to mention Tim and Tam O'Shanter."

"Tim and Tam O'Shanter?"

"Thought I told you not to mention them!"

[Caliban]

Frontbottom was completely gobsmacked.
"Bugger me." he said. "Just when I thought this thread was stuffed, when I thought the evil giant had destroyed the RITFOTU by introducing the orange room and taking away the need to bend the rules by being rude here and getting away with it. Open Slather they called it. Almost killed us as quick as video killed the radio star. Just so he didn't have any naughtiness to edit. Hmph! Now you tell me an Aussie is a time lord!"
"Not a Time lord you sook, a Rip Lord. Dogsbreath to you."
"But what about Roger trying to escape to the real world?"
"Well..." said Dogsbreath......"that is another matter. You see....

[ernknot]

...Roger is really a figment of Frontbottom's imagination."

[Caliban]

" Well, that's not exactly true." replied Dogsbreath. "Although I can see why you'd think that. You see, Roger is actually my assistant. He is at this very moment on the other side of the rip seeking guidance from the Rip god.
I sent him there in a desperate attempt to save this thread from deletion.
You see I am the spokesperson of the god on this side of the rip. Hence the name "Dog's breath."
"But, "said Frontbottom "Then your name would be God's breath, wouldn't it?"
"Ah yes said Dog's breath. But that would seem too much like sacrilege and anyway the readers all assumed that it was just dyslexia on the part of the writers. All those jokes about the dyslexic insomniac philosopher wondering if there really is a dog were closer to the truth than they ever knew."
Just then Roger, dressed like either the men in black or one of the blues brothers, came charging through the rip yelling we're on a mission from dog.
After conferring with Roger privately for several minutes the Rip lord announced.
"Listen to me. This is an emerency. This is a warship and we are now officially on a mission. Therefore I am ordering all non essential personell off the ship right now. Everyone who didn't originally come from this world or the original launching of this ship must get off right now. "
And as simply as that all and sundry departed through the Rip.
The ship rose several feet higher in the water and the Rip lord called to Nemo
"You, Penguin, stop buggerising around and change back into the captain, NOW. We're off on a little Time travel adventure. Back four thousand years to visit the Egyptian jackal headed god Anubis and see if we can get to the bottom of this story threatening apathy. We've been in the Dole Drums too long. It's because that theiving genius who lives near the Silent Sea has stolen the Aurora Boring Alice."
The crew were shocked.
"We're shocked" they all said "He's stolen the Southern Lights?"
" No, the southern lights are called the Aurora Australis. He stole the northern lights!"
"We have to get them back."
With that the Good ship finally had a purpose and feeling very frisky without all the extraneous cargo she darted through the space time continuum to the Nile River. The year 2560 BC....

[ernknot]

.....was a good year, no wars, no elcetions and the taxation department had been vapourised, in fact it was this time in the mellenium that.........

[Caliban]

the hamsters first landed their strange pyramid shaped spaceships on the plateau near Giza only to find absolutely no supply of fuel for the return trip.
Hieronomous hamster looked at his first mate and said...

[Driver]

"Looks like we might be stuck here for a while, Number One. You'd better find something for the crew to occupy their time with. You know how much trouble a crew full of bored hamsters can cause!"

"Aye, aye, sir!" Lieutenant Commander Hugo Hamster saluted and went off for a bit of a think.

The scheme he came up with had all the hallmarks of a major cock-up from Day One. He set up a committee of hamsters from the different divisions of the giant space-voyaging pyramid ships. The committee's task was to build a statue of a hamster to mark their presence in the Nile Valley.

Hamsters - especially those of the type that travel intergalactically - are capable of great energy and alacrity when fully engaged on a project. Consequently, it didn't take them long to complete an enormous statue of a hamster. It was set upon a plinth adjacent to the largest of the spacecraft. The hamster statue was depicted in a crouching stance, its front paws neatly placed in front of its chest, its head raised in an alert posture.

Regrettably, whilst intergalactic hamsters are capable of great energy and alacrity, they are also capable of disagreement amongst themselves on virtually any subject in the known universe and beyond. Consequently, the committee failed to agree at any point on a precise design for the huge statue. Various parts of it had been shielded from other parts during its construction while each was worked on by the different groups. Not a hamster involved had any aesthetic or creative talent.

It was with a sense of genuine curiosity - tinged with apprehension - that the CO, Hieronymus Hamster, presided at the unveiling ceremony.

He pulled the cord that released the great shroud-like cover that had thus far shielded the statue from general view. The cover fell away to reveal the full extent of the hamster committee's efforts.

Towering above the assembled hamsters was an edifice the like of which had previously never been seen.

Hieronymus gazed at it open-mouthed.

The first mate looked at him and said:

"So what d'you think, sir? Quite something, isn't it?"

"Oh yes, Number One! It's something, all right. Various somethings spring to mind: cock-up, for example - appalling mess; hugely ill-conceived pile of tat, for example. But actually, the word that springs most clearly to mind is a word my dear old dad used to utter if he dropped something on his foot. Yes - that's it. It's a bloody great SPHINX!!!"

And thus it was, Dear Reader, that an ill-conceived and badly-executed statue of an enormous hamster came to occupy a dominant position in the Nile Valley- and to receive a name that no-one ever truly understood - until now, that is ....

[ernknot]

it is called the Sphinxter!

[Caliban]

Anyway, Hieronymous Hamster said to his crew (with only a little facetiousness)
"Well done lads! Now that we have that enormous structure to occupy/ divert the attention of the natives of this planet, or at least keep them guessing for a few of their millenia, we can hide the truth about our strange spaceships and live like gods amongst these primitives."
"But Sir, why?"
Hieronymous sighed, rubbed his paw on his forehead in a gesture of condescending patience and explained
"Because we're out of fuel you ignoramus! We either settle back and wait the 4 or 5 thousand of this planet's years for them to advance enough to invent nuclear power or we teach them now."
"But sir, how are we going to make them listen to us?"
""We'll just convince them that we are gods."
"Captain... interrupted Lt. Commander Hugo Hamster " Why don't we send out a call for help?"
Hieronymous decided that would be good for morale so he sent a few Hamsters to set up the electronic sign that hamsters used throughout the galaxy to flag down passers by. ( Dear reader You will be familiar with this sort of sign but probably didn't realise it was a sign. Humans call it the Aurora Borealis or the northern lights. And it was still there until recently and is the reason that the good ship VLGI was on this particular mission.)
Anyway, while his crew were setting up their distress signal, lots of primitive humans were gathering around the strange sights on the Giza plateau saying...

[Driver]

"What the fox hat?"

Or, at least, that's what they seemed to be saying.

Dogsbreath, standing on the poop deck of the good ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed as it materialised out of the mist on the waters of the Nile, was quite moved that the locals had noticed his headgear.

"See?" he said to Frontbottom. "This hat attracts attention everywhere!"

Frontbottom....

[Caliban]

realised that Dogsbreath was wrong.
" Doggie ole mate, they're not looking at you! See, they are pointing at those incredibly new looking pyramids."
Dogsbreath was quite taken aback. He said " I'm....

[ernknot]

offended, how could those piles of stone look better than me???......

[Driver]

"We-e-ell," said Frontbottom. "Whilst your appearance might pass muster at the Cowpony's Buttocks - or whatever your local hostelry is called ..."

"That's the Cowcockies' Arms, mate." Dogsbreath gritted his teeth.

"Yerss, well, as I was saying. Your apparel may well meet the dress standards there, as it were. But you have to admit that a battered kilt, a plastic handbag doing admittedly sterling service as a sporran, a white singlet and a rather baroque fur hat is an unusual combination. Not to put too fine a point on it. Old chap." Frontbottom blew sharply into his pipe and produced a cheerful toot.

If this was intended to mollify his companion it wasn't so much a failure as a bloody disaster. Dogsbreath drew breath. Twice. This enabled him to give vent to a long speech. The speech started thus:-

"Listen, ya pommy drongo! ..."

and ended several minutes later with:-

".... so keep ya flamin' fashion commentary to ya bloody self!"

Frontbottom was unmoved. He ....

[Caliban]

didn't need to elucidate this point however, his unmoving demeanor stated that quite obviously enough. What he did say was
"That may well be true old chap, however it does not for one millisecond change the fact that those people have not even noticed your hat, sporran or shoes. They are obviously preoccupied with those rather conspicuous erections that have recently appeared on their skyline.
Now where do you suppose those hamsters have gotten to.
It was a very astute observation, for along the taffrail there was not a hamster to be seen. This was quite unnerving for the crew, who gave voice to their consternations saying
" we're...

[Driver]

"... absolutely and completely, utterly bloody consternated! If we don't get our daily allowance of grog soon we'll probably be bloody spifflicated, too!"

Not unnaturally, the officers on the poop were taken aback.

Their joint and several abackedness was caused as much by their being impressed that the crew could, without any apparent rehearsal, manage such a complicated speech in perfect unison as by the fact that the buggers had managed to last this long between grog issues without mentioning the fact.

"Well," said Captain Nemo. "I don't know about you gentlemen but I'm taken aback!"

[Caliban]

and after being a penguin for a long time I feel entitled to feeling thus; and in addition to that my mouth feels like the south end of a northbound camel. Which of you lads wants to join me for a cleansing ale in yonder drinking establishment?"
The crew were so surprised that the captain offered to shout ( they had oft voiced their suspicions and those suspicions had been confirmed recently when their captain in his penguin guise had indeed been bitten by a shark without shouting ) that they didn't find it odd that an Australian hotel labelled the camel jockey's arms had appeared conveniently beside a wharf.
they...

[ernknot]

wondered why the pub was shaped like a pyramid. " This is not unusal " said the captain. " All pubs are........"

[Caliban]

honour bound by their brotherhood to take on whatever shape endears them to their clients. What is surprising is that this particular pub has taken on an iconic shape even before the said shape has become an icon, after all these pyramid shaped space ships of the hamsters have only just landed here; we are, after all 4 thousand years into our own past. The pub must have made a fundamental misjudgement ;not in space, but in time.
But enough of that, it is after all a pub. There has not been a pub in this story before and I want a beer before it realises its error and disappears. Once we are in there it cannot leave without breaking many rules of hospitality.
So with the tune of "It's a big ad!" in their ears the crewrushed into the pub to find...

[CameronPotter]

That the bloody pub had buggered off and left a wine bar in its place...

The rousing chorus of "It's a big ad. we're in..." died off.

"Well lads, shoutin' a beer is one thing, but there is no way I am buying a round of chardies..."

To this the crew, of course, said, "...

[Caliban]

he was nicer when he was a penguin, blooody tight ar3e! Hey waiter what does the Pharaoh drink?

[AlexS]

Realising the crew was talking to him, Fellatio checked his uniform. No longer was he ponced up in the navy blue and gold braid of an Admiral of the Royal Navy (or perhaps an Italian train conductor), he was ponced up in a second hand dinner suit, two sizes to big across the shoulders, two sizes too small in the crutch, and bearing various unidentifiable, but certainly suspicious, stains down the front.

Realizing that he had now been demoted to waiter, as evedenced by his new uniform, Fellatio replied "Well, of course, seeing he's the Pharaoh, and Egypt is indeed a dry place, he, of course drinks dry Martinis. Either that, or the canned camel urine that masquerades as beer in his benighted country. Now gentlemen (and I use the term in the loosest possible manner), may I have your orders please."

bashing his way to the bar over the beaten & bloodied bodies of his crewmates, Seaman Staines shouted "I'll have .......

[Driver]

"... a pint of Creme de Menthe and a packet of pork scratchings!"

"What about the rest of us?" yelled the crew. "It's your shout, Staines!"

"Not a bloody ..."

[ernknot]

chance, would I lie to you, yibbida, yibbida!"

[Caliban]

In the meantime the waiter brought out staines' drink (well the barman had too much self respect to do it;) ) and it was Green. A green hughie! He said "well it's what the pope drinks!"
the rest of the crew were impressed, they said...

[fxst]

religion is the crutch of the masses give us beer or give us VO port but none of that poncy green cats piddle.
On that comment Staines got belligerent who said......

[Caliban]

"and why,Oh bartender, are you speaking with that outrageous Scottish accent?"
Just then a man walked into the bar who had a face like a mule....

[ernknot]

and his name was Eawe...

[ernknot]

and he scared everyone off except for...........

[AlexS]

...Staines, who, ignoring the lop-eared newcomer, seized the green vitriol proffered by Fellatio and threw it down in one gulp. Green steam came out of his ears, and a noxious, rip-roaring belch indicated that the drink had gone at least a small way towards quenching his arid thirst.

"Rightoh boys, now that I've put out the fires in me throat, I need to put out the fire in me belly. Where's that lovely young lady, Miss Strapon. I reckon she'd be just what an old salt needs to clear his pipes," roared Staines.

Knowing Staines' lustful intent, and aware from bitter previous experience of his lack of discrimination, the rest of the crew backed up to the nearest vertical surface and tried to ease their collective way out of his field of vision. All, that is, except.....

[Driver]

... Groans, who said (and I quote):-

"What'd 'e say?"

However, despite Groans' failure to adopt a defensive posture against the wall, he was in no real danger from any stray Stainesian urge of a lustful hue. (Lustful Hugh? Another new character perhaps? We'll see).

Staines had different fish to fry. He had espied a door, shielded by a curtain. Being a curious type, he found this irresistible. He thrust the curtain aside and grasped the doorknob. This was a mistake. Someone had ...

[AlexS]

...applied a liberal coating of CA glue to the doorknob, and Staines found himself securely stuck to it. No matter how much he swore and rattled the door, he was stuck. Not just stuck as in 'stuck in the mud' but stuck as in 'here for the rest of eternity, or until I rip the flesh from my hand'.

But wait! Let us leave Staines, knob in hand, and return to the poop deck of the Good Ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed, where....

[Driver]

... a figure had materialised in a manner thoroughly familiar to the crew of that distinguished vessel.

This was a well-dressed bloke with a distinct twinkle in his eye.

"May I speak to the Captain?" he enquired, by way of an opening remark.

"You would first be well advised to introduce yourself properly, laddie," said Frontbottom. "The old man's an absolute stickler for the proper form."

"Ah, I see," said the newcomer. "Sorry about that. Remiss of me. My name is Hugh Bastard. This can occasionally lead to difficulties, as you may imagine. Y'know the sort of thing. Someone asks for my name. I tell him. He thinks I'm calling him names .... and so on .... Saves a lot of time if I tell you that I'm normally known as Lustful Hugh (Editorial comment: Aha!). Can't think why." He winked.

The Captain emerged from below. Frontbottom effected an introduction:-

"Captain, sir." He said. "Hugh Bastard." He waved a hand in Lustful Hugh's direction.

"I BEG YOUR PARDON!" roared Nemo. "HOW DARE YOU ADDRESS YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER IN THAT MANNER!"

"No, no, sir!" said Frontbottom, appalled at the misunderstanding. "That's his name. Bastard, sir. First name Hugh. He's a member of the Bastard family, sir. Like the Bo'sun and the ship's cook."

Upon hearing this, a strange expression swiftly crossed Lustful Hugh's face. No-one noticed this - except for Dogsbreath.

Lustful Hugh quickly recovered and approached the Captain ....

[Driver]

Meanwhile, Frontbottom, realising that the captain had accepted his explanation, heaved a sigh of relief and turned to his friend Dogsbreath. He noticed - indeed, he could scarcely fail to notice - that the Rip Lord had removed his fox hat from his head and was staring at it with a strange expression upon his gnarled and weather beaten features.

"I say," said Frontbottom. "Is everything all right, old chap. You look a bit green about the gills, I must say."

Dogsbreath didn't answer him. Instead, a look of burgeoning comprehension spread across his countenance like the early morning spreads daylight across the boundless plains of the Australian outback.

Through clenched teeth, Dogsbreath muttered: "Starve the bloody lizards! That's it!" Suddenly, he hurled his fox hat to the deck and yelled: "THAT'S IT! THAT'S WHAT THEY MEANT! ....AND ALL THIS BLOODY TIME!...."

"I say! Steady on, old man!" Frontbottom was concerned. "What on earth has got into you?"

"It was when I saw the captain's reaction to you mentioning Hugh Bastard's name! I realised: it's a what-the-hell-d'ya-call-it .... a double-thing .... entendre. A double-entendre. You said 'Hugh Bastard' and he thought you said 'You bastard!' It made me realise. About this bloody hat! Remember? When you asked me why I was wearing a hat made from fox fur, I told you it was because me mates back in Oz told me 'Wear the fox hat' because I was going to Auchtermuchty. But they didn't tell me anything, did they? They didn't tell me. They asked me. They said 'Where the fu...?"

"Steady on, old man!" said Frontbottom. "Calm down. Of course that's what they said. Surprised it's taken you this long to work it out. Still. Look on the bright side. This means you no longer need to wear that bloody awful headgear! Good show! What?"

"Nah," said Dogsbreath. "I've grown quite fond of it." He picked up the fox hat, dusted it off and clapped it back on his scone.

"Ah," said Frontbottom. "I see. Oh well."

Lustful Hugh approached. He eyed Dogsbreath's choice in millinery with a knowing glance.

"Fox hat, eh? Friends of yours tell you to wear it, did they?"

"Keep that up, son, and people will be calling you Smart. And you know what they say: no-one likes a Smart Bastard, eh? Now, what do you want and how did you get through the Rip? I don't recall authorising it."

Hugh Bastard went pale. "You don't recall .... You? Does that mean that .... you're a .... Oh Hell! You're a Rip Lord, aren't you?"

"Got it in one, cobber."

"But that upimself Irish bugger told me I'd be OK and I might find Uncle Captain Bastard the chef ...."

"You might but I'm more interested in how you managed to get here via the Rip. So ... explain or you'll find more trouble than either you or any other Bastard can handle."

"We-e-ell," said Lustful Hugh. "It's like this ..."

[Caliban]

... I was suffering from one or seven too many green beverages when I found myself in a deep and meaningful conversation with (and you're not going to believe this) a hamster. Rather nice chap 'e was too. Anyway he said that some bastard required my assistance in restarting his spaceship that had stalled some time ago...
I immediately thought it was a family emergency so I asked him where the spaceship had stalled. He replied Giza and when I asked him "where the f#@^'s that?" he said I'd fit right in and wouldn't elaborate, just pushed me through the rip and here I am...

[craigb]

"Now just a minute" interjected the cook, Captain Cook-Bastard, "I happen to come from a long line of Bastards, (on my father's side that is, obviously I'm a Cook on my mother's side, hence the double barelled name. In fact, we were originally called B'astard when we crossed the ditch with William the Conquerer).

"However, I digress. What I mean to say sir is you don't look like no Bastard to me! Oh no. Unless I'm very much mistaken you'd be a Jars not a Bastard"

"So obviously that makes you Lustfull Hugh Jars and I for one would very much like to hear you explain yourself"

Hugh looked at Dogsbreath and taking a deep breath he .....

[Driver]

... stamped his foot and burst into tears.

"Awwh, sheet!" said Dogsbreath. "Now look ..."

[Caliban]

here if you're going to frequent this part of the space time continuum you're going to need to toughen up. The cook was only taking the urine out of you. Anyone with half an iota (eye oh ta) of legitimacy can tell that you're a right bastard. Perhaps a little sooky, but a bastard nonetheless. The cook is used to dishing it out to family members, no matter how distant. Isn't that right Cookie? And you've gotta admit the huge #### twist of having a surname like Jars was pretty clever and quick.
Now give us a smile like a good little bastard and explain about this hamster friend of yours...

[Driver]

"We-e-ll," said the Lustful one. "All right. But only as long as no-one else makes any pejorative allusions to the size of my bottom! I've always been very sensitive to remarks about having a big bum." He pouted.

Frontbottom raised a cautionary finger.

"Word of advice, old lad. Don't spend too much time referring to your rear end whilst aboard this vessel. Particularly in or near the person of one Staines, a seaman. He's ashore at the moment, in a tavern, with a knob firmly grasped in his fist. Good man to avoid, my opinion."

Dogsbreath interrupted the Marine's little homily.

"Yair, right. Anyhow, about this hamster pushing you through the Rip. Did you get his name? And didn't you also mention an upimself Irishman?"

"No, I don't recall him mentioning his name. But he was a very convivial sort. For a hamster, that is. He seemed to be very pally with that Moichael O'Flatulence person. D'you know him? He's a cocky bugger, isn't he? He offered to dance but a bunch of Japanese sailors were in a corner of the bar and, when they heard he wanted to dance, they all waved some odd looking implements at him and shouted something about Edo era. He decided not to dance."

"So then what happened?"

"Well, he asked me my name and I told him - and he took exception, as usual. So I explained that I'm a member of the Bastard family. That was when he mentioned Uncle Captain Bastard, the cook. And that was when the hamster told me about this ship and pushed me through the wallpaper and I wound up here."

"Right," said Dogsbreath. He turned to Frontbottom. "Fancy a look at this bar he's talking about?"

"Why not, old man?" replied the Royal Marine - ready as always for a change in routine.

Dogsbreath grasped Lustful Hugh by the scruff of the neck, waved his pole and the three of them de-materialised.

Lustful Hugh experienced a sensation similar to having every molecule of his being de-constructed, shifted laterally by several meta-parsecs and re-assembled. Since this was pretty much what had happened to him, we should not be surprised that this is how he felt.

The atmosphere in the bar was a little more raucous than it had been when he left. The Japanese sailors were up on the tables, singing World Cup football songs and waving their catching thing instruments of the Edo era.

"Here Edo, here Edo, here Edo-o-o!"

However ....

[craigb]

when they eventually espied Dogrsbreath's staff, they suddenly stopped there raucous World Cup type behaviour and falling to their knees commenced bowing deeply toward Dogsbreath's person.

"I say old boy" said Frontbottom "rather a strange effect you have on these Johnnies, what?"

"Ar yeah" replied Dogsbreath "It's not me that causes it though. It's the Twig of Orgasmo wot does it".

Just then, one of the Edo fishermen....

[Caliban]

removed his shirt and gave it to frontbottom, unbuttoned the royal marine jacket that Frontbottom was wearing and put it on over his Japanese undergarment. Then he whipped out a 3g digital phone and snapped a photo of the two of them. Priceless!
All of his mates yelled encouragement until a very stern elderly one reprimanded them, saying....

[ernknot]

" You sirry irriot, waas se matter you huh? You dlinking to much Sake, it make ......."

[Caliban]

..you tink you in er mastercard advertizz ment."
Dying of shame the Edo warrior...

[AlexS]

...folded like an origami boulder and collapsed in a corner. His elderly colleague, struggling to hide his shame, turned on Frontbottom and shook him out of the Japanese T-shirt.

"Is most dishonorable to give Nipponese T-shirt World Cup Souvenir Thingy of the Edo era to pederastic gaijin round-eye", quoth the inscrutable one. "Can only redeem honour by ritual self-disembowelment." So saying, he siezed the Twig of Orgasmo from Dogsbreath and thrust it into the trembling hands of the bonsai bushido quivering in the corner.

"I say," said Frontbottom, "we can't have him disemboweling himself here, he'll get bloodstains all over the poop, not to mention on my jacket that he's wearing. Perhaps a more suitable penance would be for him to spend some time in that barrel over there....."

[Driver]

... where, with any luck at all, his number will come up and he'll be this week's Lotto Powerball! Ha ha!"

Frontbottom was so pleased with his witticism that he slapped Dogsbreath heartily upon the back.

"Turn it up, ya pommy drongo," said Dogsbreath, good-naturedly. "You'll knock off me fox hat."

"Ah, excuse me, prease." The captain of the Sushi Maru had joined the crowd in the bar. "Are I right in thinking you are wearing fox hat?"

"Yair, mate," said Dogsbreath. "And I'm hoping you're not going to make some smart@rsed remark about it like our mate here nearly did." He indicated Lustful Hugh.

"So," said Nakalaka-san. "I am very interested in the fox hat."

"No sheet," said Dogsbreath. "Why is that, me old China?"

"No," said Nakalaka-san. "Not ....

[ernknot]

your bruddy ol china, your fox hat!" He said rather exaperated. " I want it to......."

[AlexS]

...wear when I cheer our team to glory at worrd cup. They praying nasty aggressive team of sushi watcher."

"I hate to tell you this, old chap", interrupted Hornblower, "but due to the time lapse as you slipped through the rip, that match has already been played, and the official result of the match Scientific Researchers v Sushi Watchers is 3-1 in favour of the Sushi Watchers."

In a state of shock, the ancient oriental...

[Driver]

... committed ritual origami with a paper boulder.

There was a concerted rush to rescue him by his crew, waving their catching thing instruments of the Edo era in desperation. But it was to no avail. Nakalaka-san's face betrayed no emotion as he succumbed.

"Cahill, Cahill, Aloisi," he intoned. "Three - One. Sayonara."

The whaler's crew bowed their heads.

Dogsbreath said: "Whale Oil Be ..."

[AlexS]

...orright for furniture, but you can't beat Nakalaka for a great finish."

As the enormity of this audacious pun dawned upon the assembled throng, the crew of the research vessel, astonished and offended by this insult to their erstwhile leader, made menacing gestures at Dogsbreath with their catching thing instruments of the Edo era. Dogsbreath immediately struck a defensive pose, behind the voluminous skirts of the Mother Farquahar, who unnoticed by anyone, was sitting on a bollard at the stern (or in technical terms, the blunt end) of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed.

Drawing herself to her full height and girth, and ignoring the noise that sounded like a tinea-raddled foot being pulled out of a wet wellington boot, the good lady rose from the bollard and , seizing Dogsbreath by the...

[Driver]

... headpiece, grunted: "What the fox hat?"

Or, at least, that's what she seemed to say. However, scarcely had the words fallen from her great pendulous, rubbery lips when there was a loud ripping noise and two figures materialised on the poop.

Like Dogsbreath, they wore kilts. Unlike Dogsbreath, their kilts were quite tidy and accompanied by clothing of a distinctly Scottish Highland character. (Dogsbreath, you will recall, in addition to his renowned fox hat, wore a white PVC lady's handbag in place of a sporran and a reasonably clean tee shirt).

"I say," quoth Frontbottom upon sighting the Highlanders. "Scotch chappies!"

"Scotsmen, laddie," corrected the older of the two kilted personages. "We're Scotsmen. Not Scotch. That adjective is applied mainly to food and drink."

"Yerss," replied Frontbottom. "Knew that. Merely tweaking your tail, old chap. That's all." He bestowed upon them his most supercilious smile, filled his pipe, lit it and gave vent to a cloud of aromatic smoke. "Introduce yourselves," he advised the pair.

""I'm Lester McClustar, the laird of Glen Lustar and this is my factor: Maxwell McNackarlacquar," said the more senior of the two.

There was no more than a second's stunned silence before ....

[ernknot]

Dogsbreath said " Then you must know those two chappies from yonder Castle Gai, Ben Doon and Phil McKavitty, the two ...................

[Driver]

.... Dogsbreath brought himself up short. An odd expression suffused his features. In anyone else, it would have looked like a severe case of embarrassment.

"Er ....," he muttered. "Might have been spending too long with this bunch of Poms. First time in me bloody life I've ever used that expression!"

"Did I hear..." said Frontbottom. "Did I hear you call those Scotsmen 'chappies'?"

"Yair, yer might've," Dogsbreath appeared unusually discomfited.

"Well, well," beamed Hornblower, brandishing his pipe with particular swagger. "We'll have you talking properly yet, old chap. Or should I say: 'old chappie!' Hwar, hwar!!" He gazed indulgently at the Rip Lord.

"Bugger that!" said Dogsbreath. "Need to get back to the Cowcockies Arms for a dose of reality!"

He waved his staff and dematerialised.

"Where's Dogsbreath?" said Captain Nemo, emerging onto the poop from up the companionway and ignoring the faint protests of the downtrodden companions scattered in his wake.

"He waved his stick and buggered orf," said Frontbottom. "Said something about the Cockleshell's Armpits or whatever that Orstralian pub of his is called."

"Now that," said Nemo. "Is a damn' nuisance. Just when we need him, he disappears. I've had a message from Sponcracker. He says that when the Mother Farcquar ..... (where is that harridan, incidentally?) Oh there you are ma'am! Fine day, isn't it?"

He grasped Frontbottom by the elbow and pulled him to the weatherside of the poop deck. Lowering his voice, he said:-

"Apparently, when that blasted great female hauled herself away from the bollard just now, she set off another disturbance in the Rip. Sponcracker says to expect a visit from Max Factor. Gawd knows what the hell that means!"

"Yerss, said the Marine. "Well, I think that message might have been a bit garbled, sir. Apparently these two Scotsmen are what we should expect."

He indicated the Highlanders.

"Really?" said the Captain. "What do they have to do with Max Factor?"

"Permit me to introduce myself, sir." The Scotsmen approached, "I am Lester McClustar, the laird of Glen Lustar and this is my factor: Maxwell McNackarlacquar."

Nemo was flabbergasted. He felt he shouldn't keep this to himself.

"I'm flabbergasted!" he said.

"Oh!" said McLustar. "I was given to understand that the captain of this vessel was one Nemo, a former penguin."

"What!" said Nemo. "Are you attempting to make fun of me in front of my crew? Frontbottom! Have your Marines throw this kilted buffoon into the brig!"

Meanwhile, at the Cowcockies Arms, Dogsbreath was being welcomed back by his mates - with a traditional Australian welcome .....

[Caliban]

..."Would you be so kind as to pass me the teapot dear?"

[ernknot]

Upon which one of Dogsbreath's mates retorted " Bl##dy tea pot! I can't cant even pass tomato seeds" Lots of hooting and hollering ensued. it was then that the boys at the bar noticed two oriental figures emerging through the smoke of the BBQ " We are rooking for honable Nakalakar-san" "Yer, he's around here somewhere, who wants to know?" "Ah so" said one of them " We clum flom China, Nakalaka -san is ristent rerative, rong rost cousin" The bar patrons looked on in amusement when Chukka the Trukka approached them and asked "Who are you?" The elder one of the two said " Name of Masta" pointing to the other oriental " is Wan Hung Lo, and my name is " Whu Flung Dung , poritical spokesman" The whole bar was stunned into silence all you could hear is..........................

[fxst]

the sound of the ripping of the fabric of time through which popped the head of pretty Miss Sally who asked....................

[craigb]

"does anybody happen to know where I can find an R&B combo?"

Well, you could have knocked Dogsbreath down with a feather. Because, it just so happened that.....

[Driver]

"Where's Roger? Has anyone seen Roger? He left me in the.... Wait a minute! This doesn't look like the poop deck of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed! It looks like a public house! And it's terribly hot!"

"G'day love," said Dogsbreath's mate Wokka. "Would ya like a nice cold beer?"

"Oh!" said Sally. "Thank you. I'd love a nice cold beer. I say, are you Australian? I met an Australian recently. He wore a kilt and a fur hat. Oh, there he is!"

"G'day Sally," said Dogsbreath. "And how is it that you've managed to project yourself through the Rip without permission?"

"Well, I'm not sure what you mean about permission but just after Roger left....have you seen him, incidentally?"

"Yair," said Dogsbreath. "He's OK. He's aboard the VLGI. As long as Staines stays stuck to that doorknob, he's safe enough. You were saying - just after Roger left...?"

"Yes. Just after Roger left a rather over-confident Irish person arrived. He was dripping wet and he insisted on dancing a very irritating dance. The girls' hockey team had to be restrained from hitting him, actually. Anyway, he said he could re-unite me with Roger aboard that odd ship. He took a very peculiar egg from his pocket and waved it and ... well ... here I am. But where's the ship? This isn't it."

"Nah, it's the Cowcockies Arms." Dogsbreath was distracted. "Listen. This egg that Moichael was waving. How did it seem?"

"Well, it was very odd. Rather frightening, to be honest. I don't know why an egg should be frightening but it had a most peculiar sort of aura about it. Quite nasty. Sort of malevolent."

"Yair," said Dogsbreath. "That's what I was afraid of." Dogsbreath looked around the bar. "Eh Wokka!" he said. "Have ya seen Shorty?"

"Ere I am Dogs!"

Through the door of the main bar stepped an enormous man. He was as tall as the average internal door (2100 mm) and at least two axehandles across the shoulders. He had a black eye and a large sticking plaster across his nose.

"Gawd!" said Dogsbreath. "What the hell happened to you Shorty?"

"Got in a fight with Tooky Williams."

"Tooky Williams! He's only half your size, mate! What did he hit ya with?"

"He was holding a bloody fence picket," muttered Shorty.

"And what about you? Weren't you holding anything?"

"Well yeah, I was. Tooky's missus' left breast. Lovely thing in itself, of course, but no bloody use in a fight."

"Yair well," said Dogsbreath. "I'm gonna need ya, mate. You up to a little journey through time and space?"

With that, he put an arm around Sally, grasping Shorty's belt, and waved his staff. All three of them de-materialised.

With a ripping sound, they appeared on the poop deck ....

[AlexS]

...to the surprise of Staines, who had had no success in unsticking the knob from his hand. The CA glue was living up to its reputation.

"Don't worry, me old mate,", said Dogsbreath, "I've brought a rescue party. We'll have you unstuck in two shakes of a lambs tail. Now, Sally, I want you to whisper some of some sweet nothings in Staines' ear. You might also like to do the fingernail manouevre up his spine."

Sally was shocked at Dogsbreath's suggestion, but after brief consideration, she decided that opportunity knocks but once.

Staines' response was completely involuntary. His knees started knocking, his face went pale and his palms started sweating. Gradually, Dogsbreath's plan became clear. The sweat from Staines' palms started to soften the glue.

Dogsbreath inspected the doorknob. "Now, Shorty, I want you to get hold of Staines and pull him off."

[Driver]

"Turn it up, Dogs!" Shorty was appalled.

'I'm bloody appalled!" he said.

"Nah, ya bloody nong! I meant pull him off the doorknob! Jeez!" Dogsbreath was exasperated but he elected to keep this to himself.

Shorty, recovering from his shock at what he thought had been Dogsbreath's request, grasped Staines by the seat of his pantaloons and the scruff of his scruffy old neck.

"Pardon me, love," he said to Sally, who stepped gracefully out of the way.

Shorty gave a mighty heave and Staines came unstuck with a sound not unlike that which had accompanied the Mother Farcquar's de-bollarding, reminiscent as it was of old athletic footwear.

Shorty, however, was unconscious of these subtleties. His immense strength lifted Staines clear of the door, clear of the deck, clear of Sally's presence and clear over the taffrail.

"Olé!!" The hamsters cheered, as was their wont.

No great harm came to Staines, of course, because the VLGI was tied up at the quay adjacent to the hamsters' great statue. Spluttering and grumbling in his customary Stainesian manner, he hauled himself from the drink and stumped up the gangplank, managing, as he did so, to discomfit several gangs clustered thereupon.

The Captain ...

[fxst]

realised he now had a useful person aboard and wandered over to Shorty and asked ...........

[Driver]

"Would you mind, sir?"

He eased his way past Shorty and approached Sally. With a patently lustful glint in his seafaring captain's eye, he said. "You seem like a very useful sort of person to have aboard, Miss. May I invite you to the captain's cabin for a cocoa and a chat?"

"Won't the captain mind?" said Sally, innocently.

"Ahem!" Nemo was nonplussed. "I find myself nonplussed," he said. "I am the captain."

"Oh!" said Sally. "I am sorry. I'd love a cocoa and a chat."

Off they went, down the companionway with Nemo solicitously shooing various companions from Sally's path.

"Dogs," said Shorty. "Why is it that when I look at the captain, I immediately get a mental picture of a penguin?"

"That, my large and muscular mate, is a very perceptive question." Dogsbreath was impressed. "I'm impressed," he said. "For a bloke who was recently twassocked about the frontispiece with a fence picket by a bloke half his size, that is a very perceptive question. There's no doubt about you, Shorty, you're smarter than you look."

There was a brief pause.

Dogsbreath continued after a moment's reflection. "Mind you, that wouldn't be too hard ..."

"Yair, yair," said Shorty. "But why is it ..."

[fxst]

the penguin um sorry captain has a lustful look in his eye for the love of Rogers life? Wont she just beat the penguin err captain about the head with a large cup of cocoa until he

[ernknot]

has knocked the chocolate out out of him?

[Driver]

Speaking of whom .....

Chocolate Le Clair tapped politely on the door of the captain's cabin.

"Come in!" The Captain's peremptory summons wasn't the effusive welcome Chocolate seemed to have expected.

"Allo, allo, mon Capitaine! Eet ees a long time seence ah 'ave 'ad the pleasure of seein' your face! Won't you introduce me to zees charmeeng young ladee?"

"Le Clair - Miss Sally. Miss Sally - Le Clair. Now, what is it that you want, Le Clair? I have a great deal to discuss with Miss Sally."

"Ah merely wanted to say 'allo, mon Capitaine. Eet 'as been a while seence we spoke."

"Very well: Hello. Don't hesitate to speak to me again next time you see me on the poop. On your way back to the maindeck, roust out Roger from the galley and send him along with some cocoa, there's a good chap."

Sally leapt to her feet and clapped her hands with joy. "Oh yes, do send Roger along - even without the cocoa," she said. "He's the whole reason I'm here. I have missed him so much!"

"D'you mean to say that you know my cabin boy?" Nemo was astonished. "I'm astonished!" he said (to no-one's surprise).

Before he could expand on the theme of his astonishment, Roger burst into the cabin, thrust a tray of cocoa mugs at the Captain and swept Sally up in his arms.

"Mmmff, mmmfffff, mfffm!" they said, jointly and severally, lips locked together. (Sally and Roger, that is. The Captain wasn't party to the embracing and lip-locking - he hadn't been invited and he was busy trying hard not to spill hot cocoa on his clean uniform).

He was, however, mightily peeved to be treated with such lesé-majesté aboard his own ship and in his own cabin, no less.

"I am mightily peeved," he said. "To be treated with such lesé-majesté aboard my own..."

He got no further. Dogsbreath burst into the cabin, closely followed by the enormous bulk of Shorty.

"You'd better come up top and have a look at this Captain!" said Dogsbreath. "It looks like ..."

[fxst]

a repeat of the 100 years war all wrapped up in a few minutes" Cocoa going everywhere Captain Nemo shouted for Roger to clean up and raced out to stop the war about to erupt. As he burst out onto the poopdeck he stood and looked in amazment at Chocolate Le Clair doing his best to............

[ernknot]

keep a straight face whille Dogsbreath licked the chochcolate from his......

[fxst]

fox hat 'ya dirty mongrel snail munching waste of oxegen imitation of a homo sapiens why do you have to splater everyone around you with chocolate?'
Withthat he raised his staff and with one quick swing sent poor old Chocolate Le Clair into willie wonker's chocolate factory and .........

[ernknot]

and said " That will teach you to try and chockablock Miss Sally" Meanwhile Le Clair was transported in to the eclair processing machine where eclairs were being piped full of chocolate fudge. Noticing his demise Le Claire thought of Miss Sally and ........................

[fxst]

stiffened.....................his resolve to be a better person or eclair in his next life.
Meanwhile as Dogsbreath sheathed his staff...................

[AlexS]

...Miss Sally realised that her long-held dream of deflowering Roger the cabin boy was, at long last, near to fruition.
"Roger, my love," she panted, as she drew a badly-needed breath. "At last we can live our dream. Take me away with you. We shall spend our time with nothing on but the radio."

"Er, well," said Roger "That's a very nice idea, but..."

[Caliban]

"What the fox a radio?"

[Driver]

There was a ripping sound and a neatly dressed bloke in dark suit with a distinctly Edwardian haircut appeared.

"Per'aps I can 'elp," he said. "My name is Guglielmo Marchese Marconi. I theen' you are a-talkin' about-a my eenvention: thee radio."

Dogsbreath ....

[ernknot]

" Who the fox he??"

[AlexS]

Challenged by the tone of Dogsbreath's question, Signor Marconi (Macca to his mates) dived to the deck and writhed in agony. However, realising that there was no referee aboard the good ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed, he swiftly regained his feet, and was about to reply, when he realised that no one was watching him.

Every eye was fixed on a stunning blonde beauty who had apparently slipped through the rip with Macca. She stood 6'2" in her fishnet stockings, and the Little Black Number she wore only served to highlight her hour-glass figure. When she walked, it was like watching two tomcats fighting in a sugar bag, and the glimpse of breast that the LBN afforded put one in mind of the Swiss Alps, if the Swiss Alps had been made of blancmange and topped with plump strawberries. Her pouting lips gave you the feeling that kissing her would be like eating a sponge cake full of treacle. Is it any wonder that no one was taking any notice of Signor Marconi?

"I", she announced, "am Mademoiselle Claire de Saloon, spin doctor and media advisor for Signor Macca. We seem to have been transported through time by some miracle of radio-telemetry. One minute we were just twiddling knobs and pressing each others buttons, and the next we were here."

Shorty was the first to lift his gaping jaw from the deck. With all the suavity that he was renowned for, he...

[Caliban]

said "Which idiot brought a real woman onto the ship? You lot know the rules. It's tantamount to saying 'good luck' to an actor on opening night! Quick Doggsie get her out of here."
Before Dogsbreath could reply, Groans whose selective deafness had suddenly returned said...

[ernknot]

" I will take care of her, why I wil take her to my quarters to ensure her safety - drool dribble -I will look after her until we can get her back to shore. We are only a week away from....................

[Caliban]

everyone recovering from the shock of me not saying 'what'd 'e say?'. So I have aweek of uninterrupted leachery to enjoy!"
With which, he...

[Driver]

...wrapped his gnarled old Leading Artificer's arm around the curvaceous Mademoiselle de Saloon's amidship's region and led her gallantly into his 'tween decks workshop.

Things were going well for the deaf old bastard right up until a ripping sound was heard and - before the highly frustrated joint and several gazes of Groans and the Mademoiselle, that upimself Oirish hoofer, Moichael O'Flatulence materialised. In addition to his normal supercilious expression and tap shoes, Moichael was wearing a floppy beret.

Looking around Groans' workshop, Moichael placed a hand on one hip and said:

"Faith! What a lovely space ye have here!"

There was a stunned silence for no more than a heartbeat. Groans carefully disengaged from the delights of Mademoiselle Claire and seized Moichael by the scruff of his neck and the seat of his pantaloons. He hauled him up the nearest companionway. (Regrettably, several companions were trampled severely in the process, much to their customary discontent). Reaching the maindeck, Groans encountered the imposing bulk of Shorty.

"Shipmate," he said to the enormous Aussie. "Have you Down Under fellas heard of the Code of Practice?"

"Yair, mate. 'Course we have. Got a copy right here."

He pulled a well-thumbed booklet from his pocket and brandished it.

"Good," said Groans. "You'll understand then. This upimself Oirish hoofer just wandered into my workshop (a Shed within the defined meaning of the Code) wearing a floppy beret. He (and I find this difficult to believe) ... he actually called my workshop a...(gulp)... a space!"

"Mate!" exclaimed Shorty. "Let me give you a hand!"

He took firm hold of Moichael's feet and, with a mighty heave, he and Groans flung the hoofer over the taffrail.

("Olé!" from the hamsters).

"Erkk!" followed by a splash from Moichael.

Shorty turned to Groans and ....

[ernknot]

said " Let's have another look at that Cod of Practice and see if there is anything about interfering hoofers and floppy hats" To which Groans complained " What now?? I got things to do in my cabin, I mean this is an oportunity too good to miss, I was just getting right up.............

[Caliban]

close and personal with her naughtiness when I had to deal with his upimselfness and now you want to talk about fish! Bugger you matey, I'm going down...

[Caliban]

to my cabin to read the Code of Practice to find out what breach I've committed that would explain why none of you have bothered to answer for three whole days. Her naughtiness has now gone off the boil thank you all very much!
So it's a sailor's life for me...

[ernknot]

"Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum stick your finger up the....................."

[Driver]

... glottal stop".

"Wha' the hell's a glo'al stop?" asked a passing Scotsman.

"How did he escape from the brig?" demanded Nemo. "He's one of those two Highlanders I told Frontbottom to lock up!"

Nemo was right. Lester McLustar, the laird of Glen Lustar and his factor, Maxwell McKnackerlacquer were there, on the poop, fully kitted out in Highland regalia.

"We're here," said McLustar, "Because of a .....

[ernknot]

"problem with my caber, you see the last time I tossed it something wierd happened......."

[Driver]

However, the crowd on the poop deck didn't get to hear what had happened to McLustar's caber, for he was interrupted in mid-flow.

"CLAP THE KILTED BUGGER IN IRONS!" roared Captain Nemo. "AND HIS BLOODY MATE MAX FACTOR!"

"Noo, noo," said McKnackerlacquer. "Ma name's McKnackerlacquer. No' Max Factor. People often get that wrong." He shook his head with amusement.

That didn't last long.

"I DON'T CARE IF YOUR NAME IS NEBUCHAD- BLOODY-NEZZER!" hooted Nemo. "GET HIM OFF MY POOP DECK. HIM AND HIS KILTED MATE! SPONCRACKER! WHERE ARE YOUR DROIDS?"

Scarcely had the words blasted from Nemo's vocal chords when a phalanx of Sponcracker's robots clattered up the companionway (to the anguished whinging of a bunch of downtrodden companions) and hoisted McLustar and McKnackerlacquer onto their shoulders.

The crowd on the poop got a most unwelcome view of what Scotsmen have beneath their kilts as the droids tramped off in the direction of the brig.

Dogsbreath ...

[ernknot]

thought " If only I had kilt fittings like that" Captain Nemo shouted at Dogsbreath " Comon man get your act together, make sure those kilted madmen are secure in the brig" dogsbreath thought " One day Nemo, I'll......."

[fxst]

turn him back into a penguin and shove down the throat of a killer whale"
Just as the thought had left his mind a killer whale leapt out of the water and grabbed Catain Nemo in its mouth on the way past the bridge. Dogsbreath was sure he saw the whale wink and wave at him. "odd that "thought Dogsbeath 'but I'm sure...........

[Driver]

He didn't get to finish the thought for Groans, distracted as he was by thoughts of unfinished business with Mademoiselle Claire de Saloon, still managed to catch a glimpse of a fast-approaching Japanese whaler off the starboard quarter.

"Whaler off the starboard quarter!" he yelled.

Yes! It was none other than the Sushi Maru. Despite the loss of their erstwhile skipper: Nakalaka-san, the crew of the Sushi Maru had taken once again to their unpleasant trade and - via that beady-eyed little bugger, Eagaroo-Ayee-san, the lookout - had spotted the killer whale as it snatched up Nemo and bore him back into the ocean.

Speeya-Chaka-san the harpoonist was crouched over his bow-mounted weapon, ready to loose off a lance at the merest hint of a target.

He got more than he bargained for.

Directly in the path of the Sushi Maru an enormous conning tower broke the surface. Picked out in two-foot (610mm)-high bronze letters was the name of the gigantic submarine: "Nautilus"

"Aha!" thought Dogsbreath. "So I was right after all about Nemo. He is a descendant of that unscrupulous old submariner."

The crew of the Sushi Maru was galvanized into action by a harsh cry from their master-at-arms:

"Deparoy!" he cried (harshly), "Deparoy catching thing instruments of the Edo era! Fend off broody great submarine-san!"

A small forest of catching thing instruments of the Edo era appeared all down the portside rail of the Sushi Maru. Clasping each catching thing near its foot was a small, tense-looking son of Nippon.

Amid a flurry of salt-laden spray, the killer whale surfaced alongside the Nautilus, with Nemo astride its head, riding the whale like a bronco rider in a rodeo. (He always was a melodramatic bugger, thought Dogsbreath).

"Tell ya what, Shorty," said Dogsbreath. "That Nemo - he always was a melodramatic bugger."

Shorty ...

[fxst]

drained the last of his can, threw it nonchalantly at Groans head which luckily missed him but beaned Staines who collapsed in a heap at Miss Susans feet."bloody good shot there Shorty" said Dogsbreath "but more to the point what do you reckon we should do about that" pointing at Nemo who....

[ernknot]

and said "That can was not empty! Next time make sure you drink it all, I mean beaning Staines is Ok but ..........."

[Caliban]

pancakes are not. (ok)

[toddles]

..and wasting beer should be unthinkable!"
"A real man would...

[ernknot]

dispose of the empty can thoughtfully and.......

[fxst]

open another.
Just as things appeared to be coming back to what passed as normal here.....SPROINGgggggg out of the ocean depths appeared Zebberdy who said "Gosh that ocean is deep. It took me from page 1 to here to get back on board ....and I nearly drowned too" HIs appearance had

[Driver]

....changed very little. A touch of light rust on the spring that comprised his lower limb(s), some seaweed strewn artistically about his personage and a red face from holding his breath for nigh on 20 months :rolleyes: .

He sproinged himself up the companionway ("Oh - that makes a change," commented a downsproinged companion in a voice heavy with mournful irony. "Battered by a bloody caricatured valve-spring, instead of the usual hobnailed seaboots!").

Reaching the poop, Zebedee gave a triumphant sproinging leap. He rebounded from the deck and would have disappeared back over the taffrail had it not been for several hamsters who grabbed him and bounced him back.

"That," said Hieronymous Hamster, "Was nearly a record for the shortest visit aboard the VLGI!"

"Y'know," said Hubert, "You may be right. I think even His Upimselfness has managed to last for a couple of minutes of bloody awful noisy, upimself exhibitionist dancing before we've managed to engineer a trip back into the 'oggin."

Zebedee greeted Dogsbreath and ....