The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[Iain]

introduced him self as Dr Who, reset his co-ordinates and made off for the Planet Sensible......................

[echnidna]

but made a minor mathematical error and ended up at the Craporium where his tardis was instantly impounded by..................

[Iain]

the highest bidder.
Oz was peeved, and said 'I am peeved', what could he do now to gain an extra margin.
The highest bidder was none other than................

[echnidna]

... a troll named Prince C......

[fxst]

...Crayon who drew himself on a piece of paper and sent it to the mystical omnipotent owner of that superfragalistic store of.........

[Caliban]

everything that nobody else loves anymore. The tardis was not for sale, however, as Al had a cunning plan. The tardis, you see is about the size of a dinkum dunny, so Al placed it where all his unwanted guests display their wares, wrote "turdis" above the door and waited to see what would happen.
He was hoping that people would either go in to do their business or pi.., um, er, ...go elsewhere (See I am trying to be good).
What eventuated was that...

[fxst]

a person stepped out of the turdis door with paint stripper and said 'Ok paint your next strip show is about to start'with that he left her outside and with a few strange noises the turdis disappeared from the story line leaving a bewildered Ms Paint Stripper standing there stunned 'begger me Im stunned' she said when approached by...................

[Caliban]

Al, who had seen the whole incident on his cctv, but he wasn't going to admit that to her, preferring to watch her obvious discomfort.
What he said to her was...

[46150]

'skuse me sailor,got a light....................................................

[Caliban]

beer for an old nancy boy like me?
"I'm not that stunned" she said, whereupon Al replied...

[Iain]

I'd better call the watch maker as the spring on this bloody thing appears to have broken and made the whole post come to a grinding halt.
Abdul the spring maker, of questionable parentage, was passing and having been out of work since the advent of Quartz watch and clock movements offered his services.
I am wishing to repair your time machine good sir he said, PI$$ OFF was the reply from all nearby.
Abdul remounted his time travelling camel and vanished into.................................

[Driver]

... what appeared to be a narrow gap in the wall but was in fact (of course, duh!!) the RITFOTU.

Abdul, mounted upon his camel and with a bagful of tiny springs, cog wheels and miniature tools hanging round his neck, materialised on the quarter deck of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed.

He was just in time to witness Halfrit Sponcracker attempting a running repair on the binnacle-mounted compass. Now Sponcracker, being a highly gifted techo, was very good with all things electronic but something relatively simple, like a compass, had him at a disadvantage.

Abdul dismounted, climbed the companionway onto the poop deck, carefully avoiding treading on a couple of casual companions and said:-

"May I help? I am a highly-qualified itinerant watch and clock repairing person."

Predictably, this led to some background chat between Groans and Staines of an enquiring, responding, abusing and ultimately insulting nature.

Meanwhile, Sponcracker ....

[RETIRED]

GGGGGRRRRRRROOOOOAAAAANNNNN, I thought this had died. :eek: :)

[Caliban]

And you thought it'd be me who resurrected it!
Don't worry I thought about it.
But now it's open slather.
Whoohoo

[Driver]

(Not to put too fine a point on it, but, with apologies for the interruption):-

,,,Meanwhile Sponcracker ....

[Caliban]

replied
"I feel somewhat at a disadvantage with these simple technolimited devices, not a chargruncle in sight and no use of radio-unclear trapezolloids whatsoever and as for...."
But we are spared any more of his grievances because at that moment one of the casual companions who were scrubbing the deck, asked
"Where's the soap?"
the whingeing of the hapless Sponcracker was drowned out as the whole crew replied, in unison...

[fxst]

look theres Midge the trans siberian express must have pulled into the station.
and on that note ( a C flat) they all rushed to the port taffrail to welcome.........

(had to happen )

[Driver]

... but the welcome had to be postponed. The sudden shift in the vessel's equilibrium, consequent upon the crew rushing to one side, had the disastrous effect of throwing the Mother Farcquar out of her hammock, slung as it was between two especially strengthened mountings on the orlop deck.

There was a tremendous concussive thud, followed by a short pause and then a torrent of bad language.

The crew - appalled - turned as one and stared, open-mouthed in apprehension, at the midships companionway.

This proved to be a mistake because the Mother Farcquar chose to ascend to the maindeck via the forrard companionway. Unlike Abdul, she had no compunction about treading on casual companions. Her upward progress was marked by bone-crunching noises and muffled screaming. Nothing new for the Mother Farcquar, of course.

Abdul, who had never seen anything like the Mother Farcquar, fearfully clasped his camel around the neck for protection and ....

[bitingmidge]

"PIRATES!!"

Came the cry from the crow's nest............

[Driver]

"Avast, ye scurvy lubbers!" cried the Mother Farcquar.

"What did she say?" said Groans.

"Belay that, ye pox-ridden cur!" quoth Staines, and ...

[Driver]

... changing conversational style in an instant, Staines complied with the orders of the new day. He swatted Groans about the head with a back and forth wristy action while intoning:-

"Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!'

Groans had never heard of the Three Stooges (not surprising since Groans can't hear much at all) so he took strong exception to being swatted by Staines. He picked up a belaying pin and beaned Staines fair on the top of the scone.

Staines dropped like an empty sock.

Abdul's camel, skittering in fear away from the Mother Farcquar, trod on Staines and fell. In doing so, he brought down ...

[fxst]

a bluderbuss and cutlass ready to repel boarders but then as quick as they appeared the pirates disappeared when the clock struck midnight and was promptly arrested for assault and battery(battery clock yer honour) midnight whinnied in delight and headed for a free feed at Ians place just a short trot through the RITFOTU. As he disappeared Staines remarked to no one in particular.......

[Iain]

is that Lawrence of Arabia I see opn the horizon in search of the fiendish Abdul.
Staines also considered how many other innocent bystanders could be dragged into this farce.......................

[Caliban]

...when he was surprised by the sight of Danni Minogue (obviously after any sort of media exposure) chasing after Peter O 'Toole in his not so famous role as Laurence.
Danni said...

[ozwinner]

Cor, guvner, butter me on both sides.

[Caliban]

but artificer Groans being deaf thought she'd said...

[ozwinner]

Would ya like to bonk me and the sister, together........

[fxst]

where upon staines woke up with a strange feeling on his stomach and said to a perfect stranger passing by 'hey Ozwinner me old china can ya spare a zac for.......

[craigb]

Turning the page, Sally continued reading:

"I remember him as if it were yesterday, as he came
plodding to the inn door, his sea-chest following
behind him in a hand-barrow--a tall, strong, heavy,
nut-brown man, his tarry pigtail falling over the
shoulder of his soiled blue coat, his hands ragged and
scarred, with black, broken nails, and the sabre cut
across one cheek, a dirty, livid white. I remember him
looking round the cover and whistling to himself as he
did so, and then breaking out in that old sea-song that
he sang so often afterwards:

"Fifteen men on the dead man's chest--
Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!"

in the high, old tottering voice that seemed to have
been tuned and broken at the capstan bars. Then he
rapped on the door with a bit of stick like a handspike
that he carried, and when my father appeared, called
roughly for a glass of rum. This, when it was brought
to him, he drank slowly, like a connoisseur, lingering
on the taste and still looking about him at the cliffs
and up at our signboard.

"This is a handy cove," says he at length; "and a
pleasant sittyated grog-shop. Much company, mate?"

Roger of course replied ......

[Driver]

"How did you lose your leg?"

He replied: "Well, cully, 'twere like this: I fell overboard in shark-infested seas and before me shipmates could haul me back aboard, one of them big fish had chewed away me leg, Aarrgh!'

Roger said: "Golly! And why is it that you have a hook instead of a hand?"

"Well, me hearty, 'twere like this: we was in a terrible sea-battle with them Navy scoundrels and when we was boarded, one of 'em clewed away me hand with his cutlass. That old drunken sawbones we had couldn't do much for me so I had the shipyard fix me a hook when we was next in port. Aarrgh!"

"And so," said Roger. "why do you wear a patch over one eye?"

"Well, young 'un, twere like this: I was conning the ship and - as I looked up to see the luff of the main t'gallants - a damn' seagull crapped right into my eye. Aarrgh!"

"But surely!" protested Roger. "Surely a little bit of seagull poop couldn't do that much damage to your eye?"

"Well, shipmate, 'twere like this:" he said. "It was me first day with the hook ....."

[Caliban]

"It were me first day with the hook, aargh!"
"Golly" said Roger, enthralled,"reminds me of me cabin boy days"
"How's that, matey, aargh?" replied the one legged, one handed, one eyed stranger.(who, Col old mate, had better not answer to "lucky", or won't be the only one groaning)

[Driver]

Sally ran her finger further down the page and read:-

"But soft! What light from yonder window breaks?"

Tarquin (who, although he didn't know it, was a distant relation of Leading Artificer Groans) misheard her. All that his aural receptors picked up were the words "wind" and "breaks". Easing one quadricep a carefully-calculated 15 millimetres from the hard plywood surface of his chair, he farted.

Pandemonium!

"PHWOAR!" said a group of his less restrained classmates (in unison). "Open the windows!'

"I say!" said Marmaduke. "Have a care!"

"Leave the room, Tarquin!" said Sally, standing up and pointing to the door of the classroom. She dropped her book.

This may have been the reason why an enormous wave struck the Very Little Gravitas Indeed fine on the starboard quarter, washing over the foc'sle and causing Abdul and his camel a few moments of further alarm (they had, after all, only just been confronted with the heart-stopping spectacle of the Mother Farcquar in full and horrible flight).

Abdul needn't have been too concerned. The VLGI was a superbly seaworthy vessel. She staggered under the weight of several hundred tonnes of salty water but, recovering splendidly, she shook herself and swung upright again.

As she did so, there was a tearing noise (not unlike Tarquin's classroom indiscretion) and something very odd materialised on the quarterdeck. It was ...

[craigb]

Farty Slartbast. Halfrit Sponcracker's erstwhile CRO (Chief Robotics Officer).

"Sponcracker!" exclaimed Slartblast. "Do I have to remind you yet again that lunch hour is from 12:00 to 12:45 and definitely not half a millenium. Which is approximately how long you've been away from your workstation!"

Trembling, Halfrit replied ......

[Caliban]

"I've not been at lunch, but on a mission for paying customers, in fact old friends of yours Slartblast, the mice were not happy with proceedings on their latest little experiment here."
"Rubbish!" exploded Slartbast "The mice were only just yesterday telling me how happy they were with the job young was doing keeping this lot of ne'er do wells undercontrol.Now get back to work!"
With that, Halfrit would have wimperingly slithered across TRITFOTU except that he slipped on a smear of MFKL that had fallen out of the MF's coiffure.
He slammed into Slartbast and sent him sprawling straight into the previously mentioned seagull poo infected hook of the one eyed, one legged stranger, who exclaimed...

[Driver]

"Who is that fine looking wench?"

He was gazing in obvious admiration at the Mother Farcquar who, by the way, had decided she preferred Flash Dordogne's over-stretched lycra jumpsuit and was, horribly enough, wearing it.

Sponcracker took in this dire vision, looked back at the pirate and realised that he really was gazing lustfully at the Mother Farcquar. Sponcracker cleared his throat.

"Er - would you," he ventured. "Would you like an introduction?"

"Belay that, shipmate!" said the one-legged one. "Do I look like a member of polite society? I'm a buccaneer. I takes me women when I please!"

With that, he hauled himself over to the Mother Farcquar and, in an astonishing feat of strength and dexterity, threw her across his shoulder and made off with her!

The Mother Farcquar trembled, causing ripples throughout the jumpsuit (a particularly stomach-wrenching spectacle) and giggled in a high falsetto:

"Oh! You naughty person! Put me down!"

She ....

[Caliban]

didn't really mean it though because Clarence had been neglecting her.
So off through the for'ard hatch went the unlikely couple, much to the visual relief of all (present and otherwise) :eek:
Just then who should enter through TRITFOTU than...

[craigb]

An officious looking twit wearing a white lab coat, carrying a clip board and trying, but not succeeding, to hide a distinct lack of chin.

In a nasally whiney voice he announced " My name is Cyril Pettifogger. I've been sent by the Universe OH&S department to determine whether or not this ship is dangerously overloaded. To that end it is my intention to take a roll call of all those alleged to be aboard this, ahem, vessel. Now, if you hear your name, please answer 'present'".

With that he began to read from his clipboard:

Roger, Captain. "present" replied Roger
Groans, artificer. "What'd he say?" asked Groans
Staines, Seaman. "present he replied as he battered Groans about the ears"
Frontbottom, Major. "present"
Le Clair, Chocolate. "oui"
Nemo, penguin. "quack"
Silver, Long John. "arrrgh"
Farcquar, Mother. "Alright Madam I'll just mark you down as being present"
Sponcracker, Halfrit. "present'
Slartbast, Farty. "present"
Hornblower, Fellatio. .....
Hornbblower, Fellatio ....

"I say" said Cyril, "it appears that we have no Hornblower."

"Has anybody seen Fellatio?"

To which the assembled crew replied.....

[Caliban]

in unison, with full orchestration and four part harmony...

[Driver]

"WHAT'D 'E SAY?"

And they all fell about laughing.

Pettifogger was nonplussed. Roger (VC and Bar) looked at him and said, loudly:

"I'll bet you're nonplussed, aren't you?"

The crew fell about again, rolling around the deck, tears streaming down their faces. Even the hamsters along the taffrail were chuckling.

Pettifogger threw his pencil and clipboard down and stamped his foot. He was about to express himself when ...

[Caliban]

through the RITFOTU came a motherly voice "Cyril, you pick up that pencil and go to your room. We'll have none of your tantrums, in this universe or the other. Now move young man!"
Cyril scurried away and the crew fell about again, saying...

[craigb]

"We wish he would have stayed around long enough to call out 'Bates, Master.' "

[Caliban]

"WHAT'D THEY SAY?" said Groans.

[Driver]

But they all ignored him. Staines was the only member of the crew who hadn't worked out that LA Groans was (to paraphrase Crabtree) toking the pass. Groans wasn't as Mutt 'n Jeff as he pretended.

Meanwhile, Farty Slartbast and Halfrit Sponcracker were attempting to discuss Nemo Corporation business with Captain Nemo, their Chairman. Nemo, however, wasn't having any. He waddled about the poop deck in a distracted fashion, trying to avoid their earnest attempts to get him to read a bunch of documents that Starbast had brought with him.

Roger decided to intervene:

"D'you hear there," he announced through a loudhailer. "All penguins will report immediately to the wardroom."

"Alone!" he added as an afterthought - when he noticed Sponcracker and Slartbast pursuing Nemo as he shot down the companionway toward the officers' quarters.

The two techos gave up the chase.

"Bugger me...!" Slartbast started to say and stopped when he noticed Sponcracker frantically trying to shut him up. "Wha...?"

"On this ship that's not a phrase you want to use lightly - or at all," said Sponcracker, looking around anxiously.

All appeared to be well. No sign of Seaman Staines. What a relief!

Just as Sponcracker was leading Slartbast away, Fellatio Hornblower and Chocolate Le Clair ....

[Caliban]

attempted to do as Slartbast had requested.
But before they could have their evil way with him, Roger's voice boomed over the PA system in a very godlike fashion
"NOAH" (oops, sorry wrong story.)
""Staines, my cabin, NOW!"
Staines, thinking all his Christmasses had finally co...(err, arrived) bowled both Hornblower and Le Clair over as he scurried to the Cabin where he was greeted with the sight of...

[craigb]

Roger, Nemo and a roll of gaffer tape.

"Aha, Staines, here at last I see" said Roger. Whereupon .....

[Driver]

Chocolate le Clair burst into the cabin!

Roger (VC and Bar) was affronted by this unconscionable display of lese-majestie. To no-one's great surprise (certainly not to that of the regular readers of this saga) he felt it was necessary to mention his feelings:

"I am affronted by this unconscionable display of lese-majestie!" quoth he.

Nemo waggled his flippers and quacked in apparent agreement with the vessel's commander.

Chocolate, however, was in a state of severe discombobulation.

"Ah am," he said, "In a stett erv seveere deescombubble .... dees compateeble .... deescomforrtabubble ....Ahem!" He gathered himself together in a display of Gallic dignity. "Ah have to say," he said. "Zat ah am deestressed and oopset. Oui, zat ees eet. Deestressed and oopset because of zeese slanderous attacks oopun mah repootation! Ah deemarnd a grovelleeng apology!"

"Perhaps," said Roger (VC and Bar). "Before I have you clapped in irons, sent to the brig and/or keel-hauled, it might be sensible of you to explain why you have burst into my cabin and demanded an apology!"

"Eet ees because," said Chocolate. "Because someone has carst aspersions oopun ma personne by imlyeeng zat Ah hev attempted rude and unnatural acts on zat Farty personne. Zees ees not true! Ah deeny eet absolutelee!"

"Well," said Roger (VC and Bar), "In that case ...."

[Caliban]

...it's high time you were initiated properly as a member of this crew." Whereupon Roger, Nemo and Staines put the gaffer tape to good use as they...

[silentC]

... wrapped a goodly portion of it around his mouth.

"There," said Staines "that puts paid to his whinging. Why do these Continental bathplugs always whine so much?"

"Beats me," replied Roger (VC and Bar) who was busy turning the corner of the tape over so it would be easy to peel off another strip if any frantic frogs should fly off the handle again in the near future.

"Don't mind if I do," exclaimed Staines, as he picked up the belaying pin that was laying about untidily on the deck. He raised the belaying pin above his head and with a menacing grimace ...

[Driver]

... received a judiciously aimed and violent peck on the knee from Nemo (so that's where he got his name!).

Staines was astonished.

"I'm ast....."

[Caliban]

...ouch" quoth Staines as Nemo pecked him again (in a place that could see him(Nemo) renamed Peno.
Roger, quite unaware of his close call, looked up and muttered...

[Driver]

"You are not a stouch, Staines! You are a seaman. Sometimes I think you're not a particularly good seaman. However, now is not the time to conduct a performance appraisal. Now, kindly escort Le Clair back to the poop deck and do so in a seaman-like manner. That will be all."

Staines, muttering (in a seaman-like manner) beneath his breath, grasped Chocolate by the elbow and led him back up the companionway.

Meanwhile, back in the captain's cabin, something most unusual took place:

Nemo, making himself comfortable on the edge of Rogers' bunk, said:-

"Well, young Roger (VC and Bar), the deception's working! No-one knows that I can speak, despite my penguinness."

However, he was wrong, for Hieronymous Hamster, perched as he was on the taffrail immediately above Roger (VC and Bar)'s cabin, had picked up every word.

He promptly ...

[Caliban]

fell overboard in shock. This loss of an old faithful crewmember? would have been bad enough but all his hamster mates, suffering from a collective identity crisis, thought they were lemmings and every last one of them jumped overboard.
Chocolate saw this and tried to raise the alarm, but his mouth was gaff taped shut, and the only person who heard him was Groans, and of course his reply was...

[Driver]

"I heard that! HAMSTERS OVERBOARD!"

[Caliban]

whereupon the entire crew fell about laughing.
Occasional words could be discerned between guffaws, sayings such things as "He heard!" or "What'd 'e say?"
Meanwhile the hamsters were in dire straits, err, deep water, until...

[Driver]

... they realised that they were really in dire straits, or to be more accurate: Dyer Straits, the little known waterway that lies between the Isles of Langerhans and the Isles of Scillier (also known as the Isles of Absolutely Bloody Ridiculous).

The Dyer Straits are so configured the current flows in a manner that forces the water constantly to the surface. Consequently, it is nearly impossible to drown in these waters.

The hamsters, being very lightweight little organisms, were actually bobbing up and down on and above the surface alongside the Very Little Gravitas Indeed - and maintaining pace with the vessel as she shot the passage.

After a while, the crew became aware of this unusual spectacle and crowded the larboard rail, cheering the hamsters' progress:-

"Yee-hah!"

"Love your work!"

"Go, Hieronymus!"

and, of course:

"What'd 'e say?"

Roger (VC and Bar) was vastly entertained by this spectacle.

"I'm vastly entertained by this spectacle!" he said. "What an interesting and amusing sight! Hamsters bouncing along on the surface! Who'd have thought it?"

Hieronymus bounced up level with the quarterdeck, grabbed the rail and pulled himself aboard.

"I'm so glad you're amused, Lieutenant Commander," he said. "But it has clearly escaped your attention that we are reaching the end of Dyer Straits. When we do, all this positive buoyancy will disappear and my fellow hamsters will all drown! Might I suggest that you organise your crew so that, instead of crowding the rail gaping like morons (although, heaven knows that's what most of them are!) they set about catching my hamsters and bringing them back aboard? Hmmm?"

Roger (VC and Bar) was not a little put out. He said:-

[Iain]

THROW OUT SOME hAMSTER SIZE mAE wESTS, upon stating this, with his upper case impediment, he realised that being in Dyer Staits he should have said Dolly Dyers.
This statement ired Bob Dyer, after whom the straits where named as yet another late celebrity was introduced 'PICK A BOX' he bellowed...................

[fxst]

and Staines said'I'll have her' pointing at a very..........

[Caliban]

a very good female impersonator of Graham Kennedy. Her name was...

[echnidna]

...ding dong

[Caliban]

"Come in" yelled Staines.
To no one's surprise a door opened and in walked...

[Iain]

Zed in drag :eek:

[echnidna]

... followed by....

[Iain]

Grunt fully clothed.................

[fxst]

being led on a rhinestone studded leash by a trainer of donkeys who in a very gruff voice said 'if you even metion the rhinestone studded leash I will ask Cpt Nemo to.......

[Caliban]

allow me to bring my donkeys on board.

[echnidna]

Their names are...

[Caliban]

the entire crew of the good ship Brisbane.

[echnidna]

... which has been converted into a submarine and ....

[Caliban]

was lost in the canals of Mountain Creek...

[fxst]

and was found by a local resident in half a canoe as he paddled into the conning tower of the converted submarine. 'Bleeding heck (or words to that effect) I've run into the conning tower of the converted submarine'
with that the half canoe fainted and said to nobody in particular...........

[Caliban]

rather foolishly, it turns out, "Bugger me"
Whereupon...

[Driver]

...there was a great booming maritime yell from the quarter deck!

"Belay all them lubberly thoughts, ye swabs!"

It was Long John!

Standing four-square on the windward side of the quarter deck (the commander's side), he presented an imposing figure. His one good eye swept across the crew as they cringed before him.

"Oi'm takin' command of this 'ere vessel," quoth he. "An' Oi'm puttin' a stop to all them peeculiar practices that Oi'm told 'ave been takin' place aboard 'er for far too long. Seaman Staines!"

"Aye, aye, Cap'n!" said Staines (not, it must be said, without a frisson of trepidation. Although, it should also be said, Staines wouldn't know a frisson if it should fasten itself to his pantaloons and follow him about. That's a bit unlikely, of course .... however ....ermm .... moving along, then! Right!)

"Aye, aye, Cap'n!" said Staines.

"You be demoted to cabin boy!" said Long John. "Go and make some coffee and take it to moy cabin!"

Staines shuffled off, a beaten man.

"Lt. Commander Roger (VC and Bar)!" said Long John.

"Aye aye, Cap'n!" said Roger (VC and Bar). (Roger was actually relieved to be relieved of command).

"Can you navigate, lad?" said Long John.

"I can, Cap'n!" said Roger (VC and Bar).

"Roight, laad! You'm the noo navigator! Plot me a course for the Spanish Main by way of Cape Horn. We'll 'ave ourselves a bit of fun!"

Marmaduke Hamster, observing these interesting developments from the taffrail, turned to Hieronymus and said:-

[craigb]

"Pieces of eight, pieces of eight"

"You mark my words Hieronymous, whenever pirates are around, pieces of eight aren't very far behind."

"Yes" said Marmaduke," but what exactly is a piece of eight?"

Hieronymous looked to the fo'cstle and said .....

[Caliban]

...Sally closed the book again, looked at the children and asked
"Who can tell me which plot features have been overlooked this time, in this very strange story, children?"
Billy, who had never really liked the Hamsters, was very eager to answer.
He said...

[echnidna]

the chickens because they have stopped laying eggges until......

[craigb]

he was battered sensless.

Ahem.

Sally turned the page, and lo and behold, what should be on the top of the page but the words:

Chapter Nine

"Ah ha" said Sally, "let's see who is going to start off the narrative."

[Driver]

It wasn't a dark and stormy night.

Actually, it was a fine spring morning. The Very Little Gravitas Indeed was sailing in a sprightly manner on a southerly course.

On the poop, Cap'n Long John and his pilot, Lt Commander Roger (VC and Bar) were sipping their morning coffee which had just been served by the cabin boy, Seaman Staines.

On the maindeck, the Hole In The Drawers Collective were entertaining the crew with an Irish jig.

Sponcracker turned to Slartbast and said:

"Not even that upimself Irish hoofer Moichael O'Flatulence could dance a better jig than this!"

No sooner had the words left his mouth when the Rip parted (with a highly appropriate farting noise) and who should appear but that upimself Irish hoofer Moichael O'Flatulence!

"Oh no?" quoth he. "Watch this!" And he proceeed to burn up the maindeck with a high speed clattering exhibition of terpsichorean show-offingness. He moved rapidly sideways across the deck. His feet were just a blur. At the very crescendo of his dance, knees pumping, chest heaving, supercilious smirk well to the fore, his descending heel connected with a belaying pin which just happened to roll towards him - from somewhere near Leading Artificer Groans, who happened to be looking in a different direction.

O'Flatulence's feet shot skywards and he disappeared over the taffrail. His loud cry of "ERRKK!" was abruptly cut off as the ship's wake closed over him.

The crew looked at one another and ...

[Caliban]

breathed a collective sigh of relief, which was short lived because out of nowhere came an escapee from the extreme games who was riding his high tech wake board behind the sprightly Very Little Gravitas Indeed, he scooped Moichael up, performed a gnarly backside air followed by a fully sick re-entry and threw the amazed dancer back on the poop. The camera boat collected the would be hero and disappeared through the Rip.
The crew of our ship could only say...

[craigb]

BUGGER

"Looks like we're stuck with O'Flatulance"

However, just then....

[Driver]

.... Staines, heading up the companionway from the galley with a tray bearing the Cap'n's breakfast, tripped over a couple of companions and was hurled headlong across the poop deck.

His crusty old mariner's head collided with O'Flatulence's hip. The prancing Irish exhibitionist - whilst sopping wet from his brief sojourn in the 'oggin - was congratulating himself on his good fortune when Staines' rough personage caught him amidships and propelled him once more clean over the taffrail.

"Not aga.....! ERRRKKKK!!" said O'Flatulence.

There was a splash.

An Extreme Games wave-boarder materialised through the Rip! He headed towards O'Flatulence as he surfaced in the wake of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed!

Leading Artificer Groans - that very Ancient Mariner - hoisted his arquebus to his arthritic shoulder, sighted down its length and, mistaking the wave boarder for an albatross, blasted him from the sky with approximately half a kilo of mixed nuts, bolts, gravel and muesli!

"By the Lord Harry!" said Hieronymus Hamster. "This voyage gets more interesting by the minute!"

"Yerss," said Marmaduke. "But...."

[craigb]

"wait, there's more"

He was just about to expand on what this more was when suddenly the skipper, one Silver, LJ stared to shouted from the poop.

"Belay that ye scurvy dogs. The reason I've taken over this rotten scow, you sons of whores, is beacuse I mean to find Flint's treasure. I'll stand no more of you're nancy boy dancing and skiing! By god, you'll wear this ship a'right or you'll feel me lash"

"No, no, I'm sorry that just won't do" piped up Frontbottom. "I mean, you ruffian, just who do you think you are talking like that to one of Her Majesty's marines?"

Well, on the deck of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed, you could have heard a pin drop. Unless of course you were Groans in which case your response would be .......

[Driver]

... to re-load your arquebus with some of the muesli that Staines had spilt when executing his fortuitous half-gainer with pike and jettisoned Irish smartarse.

Groans shouldered his ancient firearm once more. Deaf to the controversy on the poop between the Royal Marine and the pirate, he was looking once more for a target when Sponcracker - in a moment of thoughtless exuberance - spun him around and said:

"I'll bet you heard that!"

The wide-open barrel of the arquebus described a hyperbolic parabola as Groans swung round. As the barrel reached approximately 42 degrees in the declining arc, Groans' fidgety forefinger clenched.

"BOOOM!" Followed almost immediately by "SPLATT!'

The muesli, a tasty admixture of wholesome grains and specially selected dried fruit, made a helluva mess of Long John. He looked like a badly pebble-dashed semi-detached, double-fronted buccaneer. His frockcoat was torn to shreds, his pantaloons were blown over the side (where they succeeded in finishing off poor old Moichael, who had just surfaced) and his head was a bloody and crusty disaster.

"To hell with it!" he said. "I'll ...

[Caliban]

...give you ruffian me lad, now ye scurvy knaves, hoist the mainsail, scrub this muesli off me deck and face and get me some new clothes, something in chartreuse...I think. Yes, and a nice glass of chardonnay, Mr Staines please accompany me to my cabin.
The speechless crew suddenly found voice and said...

[Driver]

... in a development that was as peculiar as it was unexpected:

"We'd like to hear Sally's opinion on this!"

As the startled members of the vessel's wardroom were goggling at this unusual version of mutiny, Sponcracker switched on a phalanx of his droids which he had left standing alongside the port rail in a "Ready" state. They advanced in that impersonal and menacing way they have and surrounded the group on the poop.

Sponcracker explained:

"The crew are very concerned, Cap'n," he said. "They fear that copping a blast of muesli - however tasty and nutritious it may be - has upset your equilibrium. It seems to them - us - that your concern about the colour of your clothes, your sudden penchant for chardonnay and your distinctly suspicious request for Staines' company are all very unbuccaneer-like. The fact that you are also clearly in need of major emergency medical care means that they - we - feel that Sally's objective advice might be a good idea. Er, by the way, my droids will exterminate you without mercy if you don't agree to this."

Long John coughed, looked at the droids, the crew, the set of the main t'gallants (and in doing so, copped an eyeful of seagull guano in his good eye. His hook twitched and was instantly stilled by a compulsive gesture of his good hand). He said:-

[Caliban]

"Unbuccaneer like!"
"Why you scurvy dog, I'll...

[Driver]

Sponcracker's droids exterminated him, as advertised, without mercy.

Three of them hoisted him onto a plank, tossed a Jolly Roger flag over his recumbent, muesli-encrusted form and slid him over the taffrail.

From sea-level there came a slightly watery cry of:-

"Hello up there! 'Tis meself! Moichael O'Flatu..."

Moichael, against all odds, had not succumbed to being assailed with Long John's muesli-blasted pantaloons and had surfaced again. Only, unfortunately for him, to be instantly impelled back below the surface when Long John's lifeless cadaver dropped plumb upon his expectant visage.

"ERRRKKK!" came the despairing cry of the thrice-disappointed terpsichorean as he once more was swallowed by the wake of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed.


--oOo--


"Well, children," said Sally. "Wasn't that sad? I wonder ....."

[fxst]

................'who will be the first crewmember to milk the cow that will be appearing soon?'
with that...........

[Caliban]

"err...miss?" interrupted Billy, "I think the cow to which you refer is in fact a character of Douglas Adams' book 'The Restaurant at the end of the Universe' and therefore is protected by current copyright laws, apart from which it was a male and therefore unlikely to be milked by Billy Connolly or any other Irishman."
"By gad, you're right." exclaimed Sally "We can't possibly have any more reference to the intellectual property of Mr Adams. So children, who is now the ranking officer on board?"
"Why, miss, that'd be Roger."
Sally began reading
So Roger(vc and bar) gave his first order after reassuming command, albeit reluctantly. He was tempted to order a chardonnay, but under the circumstances, reconsidered. Instead, he said...

[fxst]

.....sometimes I wish people would read books right it was a very vocal pig '
with that Roger picked up his fork and picked up a peice of ham from the platter of.....

[Driver]

Tarquin was stung into action. He leapt to his feet.

"I've been stung into action!" he said. "Stung into action!" (He was an aspiring Labor politician and he had read somewhere that people are impressed if you frequently repeat yourself - this is crap advice but since when did a politician, aspiring or otherwise, have any clue about what real people think? ).

"Can we please move on from this fruitless debate over animals and find out what happens next? I think it's important - important - to press on with the narrative!"

He grasped the lapels of his school jacket, leaned back on his heels and was apparently about to continue with his harangue when, without warning, Daphne, the captain of the school hockey team, hit him in the face with a custard pie! She had meringued his harangue!

The hockey girls formed an impromptu chorus line and burst into song:-

"When he started his harangue, he was hit with a meringue!
"When he would have filibustered, he’s been busted with a custard!"
"When he ..."

Sally interrupted them. She was mortified. However, Sally was probably the most self-controlled person in this entire saga so she didn't mention her mortification. Instead, she stood and addressed the whole class:

"Sit down! All of you! Daphne - go and stand outside the principal's office! Tarquin - wipe that custard from your face and try to resist the temptation to make speeches. Now - once you have all settled down, I'll continue."

She opened the book.


Chapter 10

The Very Little Gravitas Indeed seemed to be travelling at warp speed across an unfamiliar galaxy ...

[fxst]

when suddenly Roger (vc & bar) said 'theres klingons on the starboard bow starboard bow starbord bow theres klingons on the starboard bow ,Wipe em off Jim"
jim who was at the helm at the time said in a surprised tone..............

[echnidna]

'theres klingons on the starboard bow? starboard bow ? starboard bow ? theres klingons on the starboard bow ? .........

[Driver]

"They don't look like Klingons. They look like ... No! ... It can't be ... No! ..Not that!.... Anything but that...!"

The wheel spun idly as Jim, stricken to his knees by whatever appalling vision he had seen, grasped his head in both hands and sobbed uncontrollably.

Le Clair was Officer of the Watch. He called down the companionway:-

"Monsieur le Capitaine! Commandeur-Lieutenant Rogerr (VeeCee and Barre) - Ah theenk yew should com to zer breedge, M'sieu! Zere ess somseeng off zer starboard bow zat 'as caused Jeem to deespair!"

Roger emerged. He took in the scene with a sweeping glance. Chocolate was organising Groans to man the helm, Sponcracker and Slartbast were tinkering with a droid's innards and Jim was rolling about the quarter-deck in apparent shock and awe.

Off the starboard bow something was manifestly occurring. Roger reached for his telescope and aimed it at the apparition. He blinked, shook his head, looked again and said, in a low and horrified whisper:-

"Oh no! Not that! They're not Klingons! They're ... they're (gulp!) ... they're Girl Guides! It's the Fete Worse Than Death!"

The full horror of their commander's revelation hit the crew as a palpable blow. They ...

[craigb]

suddenly had the sickening realisation that they were stuck in The Fete Worse Than Death's tractor beam and were being drawn inexorably into it's foul embrace.

"Alright everyone" said Roger (vc &c) "I shall only say this once"

"Everyone to Panic Stations!"

The crew looked at Roger appalled. All that is except Groans who ......

[Driver]

... was gazing at an apparition that had materialised just aft of the foc'sle.

It was a group of attractive young women wearing trench coats, black berets and ankle socks, led by an even more attractive young woman dressed in similar fashion.

Yes! It was Michelle of the Resistance and her group of hand-picked lovelies.

"Did someone say: "I shall say this only once"?" she asked.

"Well, yes. I think I did," said Roger.

"So what is the nature of your emergency?" asked Michelle.

"Emergency?" Roger was struggling a bit.

"Yes. You spoke the emergency code and summoned us through the Rip!" Michelle looked at Roger narrowly. "You do realise, don't you, that saying "I shall say this only" once is the emergency code. And you also realise that if you say it and you don't have an emergency, you will suffer terrible consequences? You do realise that, don't you?'

"But we do have an emergency! There it is!" he pointed to the Fete Worse Than Death. "We're stuck in its tractor beam!"

"Ah yes," said Michelle. "Girl Guides. That is an emergency. Right. Do you have some form of protective headgear? You'll need it when you come within range of those awful rock cakes and scones."

Roger looked askance.

"Stop looking askance," said Michelle. "And..."

[Caliban]

had obviously missed the cause of Roger's askance looking. For there, just out of her field of vision was our old friends the clog dancing collective, who had appeared when someone had mentioned protective headgear. They were the resident experts on that topic, for they, collectively wore the most potent everything repellent known to any life form: the knickers of the mother farquar.
Roger quivered as Michelle said...

[Driver]

"Listen vary carefoolly! I shall say zees only wence! Stand by to repel boarders!"

And so it was. The tractor beam sucked the Very Little Gravitas Indeed hard up against the Fete Worse Than Death and a shock troop of ferocious Girl Guides swarmed over the starboard rail. Waving their raffle ticket books mercilessly and releasing a devastating fusillade of triple case-hardened rock cakes and scones, they drove the gallant crew back, foot-by-foot across the maindeck.

All seemed lost when Michelle turned to Roger (VC and Bar), shook her raven's wing tresses free of her beret and said:-

"Listen vary carefooly! I shall say zees only wence! I 'ave a plan. Will you leave it to me to reed you of zeese offal Girl Guides?"

Roger (VC and Bar) gripped her arm, shook himself to overcome a momentary lustful impulse and said:

"Michelle, get rid of these horrible teenage harridans and I shall be forever in your debt!"

Michelle stepped forward and raised her arm in an imperious gesture.

"Stop!" she said, in a high, clear voice. "Stop! We need to talk!"

Everyone paused. Even Groans heard the call. He stopped loading his arquebus with biscuit crumbs (he'd run out of muesli).

Michelle gave a signal to the other Resistance girls. They took off their berets, trenchcoats and ankle socks to reveal that, under their rather dull outer garments, they were dressed in the sort of stylish clothes that young French girls customarily wear.

Michelle walked up to the leader of the Girl Guides, a big lass with cheeks nearly as red as her knees.

"How brave you are," said Michelle.

"Glad you think so, dear," said the GG. "We pride ourselves on our courage."

"Yes," said Michelle. "Eet takes a remarkable level of courage to wear zat parteecular shade of blue with your complexion!"

There was a shocked silence. It lasted for no more than a couple of heartbeats. Then one of the Resistance girls - a lissom and lovely blonde with big blue eyes - stifled a giggle.

That did it. The Girl Guides' leader looked at the assembled ranks of elegant French girls, looked down at her crumpled uniform and wrinkled socks, burst into tears, stamped her foot, threw her raffle tickets onto the deck, turned and fled.

The rest of the Guides, embarrassed beyond tolerance, fled in her wake.

The rout was complete.

Roger (VC and Bar) ...

[Caliban]

knew that he was not out of the woods yet, for he had sold his soul to Michelle. Yet, considering what he'd endured in the earlier part of his career as cabin boy, he thought he could handle anything. So he girded up his loins, turned and faced Michelle and asked her what he could do to repay the debt.
"What can I do to repay the debt?" he asked (as everyone was wont to do in this story).
Michelle knew this was her moment of triumph and she was certainly dressed for the occasion. She said...

[Driver]

"Why don't you show me your sextant?"

She took hold of Roger's tie and led him off down the companionway towards his cabin. The companions moved rapidly out of their way. Roger looked like he couldn't believe his luck. The hamsters removed themselves tactfully from their customary position on the taffrail above the captain's sleeping quarters.

We will draw a discreet veil across the scene below decks while Roger got lucky.

Back on the poop ...

[fxst]

deck where Groans said to Staines 'hey where did he go?' to which Staines replied 'to his cabin to indulge in a bit of................