The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

[craigb]

from attention deficit disorder. "

(Hello, Roger (VC & bar) is still on the Very Little Gravitas Indeed :rolleyes: . We however are in the south seas with master Footsore. )

Ahem now where were we. Ah yes ,

"Amazement?" interrupted the foil-clad Tam. "No. It wouldn't. I have never told this tale before and ..."

[Driver]

"...I'll probably never tell it again."
"Damn good thing," said Captain Roger VC & bar. "There are some things that should never be spoken of. The last person that spoke of the Twig of Orgasmo suffered....."

"What's this!?!" cried Footsore. "A naval person just materialised right next to me on this pile of rank-smelling seaweed!"

"Yerss," said Roger (VC and Bar). "I was going to mention the smell. I'm relieved to discover that it's this pile of seaweed."

"That's all very well and good," said Footsore. "But where did you come from? And what was that strange rending, tearing, ripping noise that we heard just as you arrived?

"Well," said Roger (VC and .....

[AlexS]

...Bar). That was the fabric of the universe ripping again. It seems to happen every time I....

[craigb]

break wind"

"Ah ha" thought everyone that had anything to do with this tale. "That certainly explains a lot."

"Are you saying" inquired Footsore "that the very fundament of this, admitedly, rather silly tale comes out of your asre?"

"Well actually" said Roger ".......

[Driver]

... I wouldn't claim to be the only initiator of action. I can say no more, my lips are sealed!"

Footsore was, quite naturally, disappointed.

"Well," said Footsore. "I'm disappointed. However, I'm still all agog to hear why Tom's name is so Haile Significant to me."

Tam had been waiting patiently, leaning on the Twig of Orgasmo. Upon hearing Footsore's mention of his twin, he became animated.

"I'm animated!" he said. "And ...

[AlexS]

...so is the Twig of Orgasmo." Even as he spoke, the selfsame twig began to take on a life of its own, first vibrating with a gentle hum, then thumping on the deck, leaping from Tam's hands and walloping Footsore around the ears.

"Goodness me.", said Mother Farquahar, who until now had kept a low profile. "I haven't seen that happen since....

[Caliban]

"The timber and working with wood" show held in Sydney in 2004 when a certain rapscallion stole two very valuable hand made(actually zed made) muffins. I wonder if you'll escape the curse or suffer the same fate as Darren the hairy (from the little village beside the Silent Sea) did on that occasion.

[Driver]

Sally looked puzzled. Refraining from mentioning her puzzlement to the class, she gently placed a marker in the page and closed the book.

"Well children," she said. "This is a most interesting development. The narrative has been interrupted by a diversionary sub-plot, relating to this unfortunate Truelove person with the sore feet and the disastrous taste in young ladies. And then the main characters from the narrative have themselves intruded into the diversionary sub-plot! What are we to make of this, I wonder?"

Daphne leapt to her feet, brandishing her hockey stick.

"If any of the boys feel like making pseudo-political speeches," she warned. "I am ready. So are the rest of the team. Aren't we girls?"

Tarquin remained seated. His fingers twitched but he did not grasp his lapels. He looked as if he wanted to say something but he took a long look at Daphne's hockey stick and restrained himself.

Bartholemew, on the other hand, after a long and lustful leer at Daphne in her navy blue gym slip, hurled himself to the floor at her feet.

"Bite me!" he cried. "Thrash me, Daphne, with your hockey stick and trample me with your cleated hockey boots, I implore you!"

Susan was not amused. She saw no reason not to mention this fact.

"I am not amused!" she said. "Bartholemew! Go and stand outside the principal's office and when he asks you why you are there, tell him that you have transgressed against my rules! What are you waiting for? Go!"

Daphne was a bit put out.

She said: "I'm....

[Caliban]

...a bit put out!" Sally snarled at her, but she was not to be put off so easily.
"I was hoping to hear the end of this interesting sub plot. In particular the incident involving Darren the Hairy and the predicament involving the Christmas Tree."
Sally roared at her "Get out and join Bartholomew!"
So, picking up her hockey stick, Daphne went to do as she'd been told.
Meanwhile...

[craigb]

back on The Very Little Gravitas Indeed, Roger broke wind.

Actually he didn't just break wind, he let go the almightiest rip-snorter of a fart
that'd ever been heard in Christendom.

The VLGI shivered from stem to stern, her bowsprit dipped and her fore ta'gallant wilted. It was that bad.

It was so bad that instead of opening up a mere rip, as was usual, he opened up a full blown tear!

The crew were flung hither and yon as the VLGI was rocked and rolled by the elemental forces of the universe.

Eventully she could stand the strain no longer and with a pitiful cry of "What'd he say?" from Groans was sucked into the vortex!

All was black.

[savage]

And in the eerie blackness came a voice that was distant, yet close and reverberated throughout the very timbers of the ship.

"Hey, y'all white honkey's wa'choo do'in in da brother's side of da uniee-verse"

Groans turned to the cook who just happened to be the closest to him and said "Argh!...Cook, did ye hear that?".....

To which the Cook replied "Yeah!...I'm not deaf ya' know!"...

Groans mumbled to himself "Grumpy dog!....Must'a burnt his gruel this morning".....

Then the voice boomed louder than the first time (if that was possible), "A say's wa'choo do'in here?"...

Frontbottom replied ".........

[Driver]

"I say! Have a care. Just who do you think you're talking to?"

The rest of the crew waited with bated breath, agog to see if Frontbottom's customary arrogance would get him (and them) into even more trouble.

There was a pause.

It lengthened.

Just when the tension was about to become unbearable, the Mother Farcquar's enormous bulk loomed up in the gloom on the main deck.

"What's going on?" she demanded. "Who put out the lights?"

She stamped her gargantuan foot. That did it! The entire vessel trembled from keel to burgee (that's the little flag that flies from the top of the mast, by the way;) - or is that bargee? ... or bungee?).

With a strange wrenching sound, the Very Little Gravitas Indeed shook itself clear of the Rip and floated free on an azure ocean.

However, there had been some changes .....

[echnidna]

There was a newcomer to the crew,
the renowned
or is it the infamous
Buck R
in his everyday alias of .....

[savage]

Buck Naked, that well broiled suntan lotion test pilot from the Cayman Islands, who has a habit of writing things on his skin with tanning lotion and then sun baking for hours on end only to then parade around with this script in stark white on a lobster red back ground of blistered flesh. In his off season he goes under the guise of somebody named Micheal Jackson!!!..

A fugitive from the darkside of the universal rip, who announced "......

[AlexS]

"Read my hips!"
The assembled crew and supernumeries gave a collective groan at this atrocious pun. "Groan", they groaned, "What an atrocious pun."

"Don't blame me" groaned Groans, "It's that infamous, atrocious punster Buck Naked who's responsible for it. For all I know, he's been sitting there on the dark side of the universe flinging atrocious puns into this saga whenever he feels like it. He's probably responsible for naming Seaman Staines as well."

The expression on Buck's face clearly showed that he was both affronted and taken aback. With a flounce of his right eyebrow, he.....

[Driver]

...nearly ripped himself into three large pieces. The combined effect of being affronted, taken aback and seriously flounced about the eyebrow was enough to give him a severe attack of RSI.

He limped off in search of a physiotherapist.

"Ahem!" Roger (VC and Bar) cleared his throat.

"Right," he said. "Now that's clear, where were we?"

Lance Corporal Frontbottom and Regimental Sergeant Major Groans (See? - I told you some things had changed) - were gazing at their uniforms in amazement.

However, Seaman Staines (not everything had changed) was ready to respond to his commanding officer's question.

"We've been nearly every bloody ...."

[Caliban]

where in this bloody uni..bloody..verse, and you, Roger are to blame for ninety bloody nine per bloody cent of them you little twat. Oh, yes I know you're a bloody big shot (VC and Bar etc) but the bloody truth is you're a git!
We all hate you and your shiny bloody buttons, you're....

[Driver]

Roger (VC and Bar) held up a restraining hand and interrupted him.

"Sponcracker," he said, conversationally. "Could you...?"

He waved his hand dismissively in Staines' direction. Sponcracker drew a remote control device from his pocket, pointed it at one of his droids and dialled in what looked like a complex code. The droid strode across to Staines, twassocked him firmly about the ears, spun him round and kicked him fair up the clacker - twice. Staines - after leaping in the air (and so would you if a droid had just planted his metallic foot firmly up your rear end - twice) - subsided into a grumbling but apparently non-mutinous semi-silence.

"Thanks," said Roger (VC and Bar). "Now, as I was saying: where were we?"

"Wait a minute!" protested Lance Corporal (formerly Major) Frontbottom. "What about...."

[AlexS]

...Christmas? It seems that just a few moments ago we were on the creaking deck of the wind-driven ship the Very Little Gravitas Indeed, sailing merrily towards Christmas, when suddenly there was a flatulent roar, and the next thing we know, we've been stripped of our rank, the worm-raddled timbers of the VLGI have been transmogrified to some synthetic product and Christmas is vanishing in the distance, with a hiss and a roar and a cloud of chatter!"

Staines massaged his droid-bruised backside and ...

[savage]

tightend his some what loose nuts, "Ahhhh!...that's better!"..he mumbled in a stilted robotic voice.

As he proceeded to look around the ship, he couldn't help but feel a little odd, as though something was not quite right but just couldn't put his finger on it.

A buzz ran through the crew, I mean it a real buzz, it was the static created when the fateful flatulance was released into the air.

Groans said "Cor!...what is that 'orrible buzz, it stinks, makes all me innards feel like I'm about to slip a cog or sumfin'!".....

As Groans proceeded to bend over and disgorge about two pints of slightly discoloured 20W/50 onto the deck, the rest looked on and said "......

[craigb]

"I say Sponcracker, be a good chap and push the reset button on that Captain Cook-Bastard cook would you? There's a good fellow.

It seems to have some bytes loose in the belfry."

As he had been asked so politely, Sponcracker hurried to do as he was bid.

Captain Roger (VC and Bar) meanwhile was puzzled.

"I'm .....

[Driver]

"... reluctant to be perceived as predictable but it has to be said: I'm puzzled. Why is it that some of the more human of the humanoids appear to have suddenly acquired droid-like characteristics?"

"I mean," he continued. "Take Groans, for example. Leaving aside his apparent elevation to the very senior rank of Regimental Sergeant-Major, it seems that he is extensively (one might even say, excessively) imbued with a high-grade lubricant."

"Yes," interrupted Leading Nursing Auxiliary (formerly Bo'sun) Bastard, smoothing his (her?) crisp white apron. "I was about to mention that. Difficult to administer the right prescription when you don't know if it's a dose of salts or a couple of litres of machine-oil!"

Lance-Corporal (formerly Major) Frontbottom was affronted.

He felt compelled to say: "I'm ..."

[Driver]

"... affront....affront....a Frontbottom! No member of my family for the last seven generations has held a military rank lower than 2nd Lieutenant! I simply cannot be a Lance-Corporal. It's unthinkable!"

So affronted was he that he stamped his foot.

Now Frontbottom's foot was nowhere nearly as enormous, threatening or horrendously unattractive as that of the Mother Farcquar but, in its own way, it had (apparently) just as severe an effect.

The horizon, the gunwales and even the taffrail all appeared to shimmer. (Of purely incidental interest, this caused a certain visible frisson to run through the ranks of the hamsters - poised, as was they customarily were, along the taffrail).

But what could have caused the shimmering? Well, we shall see:-


Chapter Ten


'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the ship.....

[savage]

all of the crew where sated with the customary double ration of ships rum, but as the night wore on the squabbling started.

Firstly, over minor things and quickly escalated too much more serious matter like, "Who stole groans crayons he got off Santa" or "Why was Frontbottom running around with a blue and a red crayon stuck up his nose"?.....

The droids where also acting strange, this was noted when one of them was found onthe poop deck showing the other droids his.......

[ernknot]

crayon coloured butt

[AlexS]

...chisel.

It turned out that this particular droid was of the darkside variety, and couldn't resist exhibiting his tools whenever the opportunity presented itself (or even when it didn't, come to that).

"Put that useless thing away," roared Frontbottom. "If you don't have anything useful, like an oilcan, you're wasting good bandwidth by being in this tale."

The droid shrunk into his carbon fibre exoskeleton and slunk away.

"Right," said Lance Corporal (formerly Major) Frontbottom. "now that that's sorted out, the rest of you can stop frissoning all over the place, and apply your collective intelligence, meagre though it may be, to getting us out of our present predicament, which is...."

[Driver]

"... as yet unexplained. What, for instance, is with all the shimmering?"

Frontbottom was puzzled.

"I'm ....."

[fxst]

puzzled. "well I'm not" said Roger (VC & Bar with bronze clamps(or cramps??))
"Everyone knows its showing the end of the Christmas season so back to work you lazy lot of wasted...............

[AlexS]

...space."

With that, he peered down his aquiline nose at Lance Corporal (formerly Major) Frontbottom, and in his best parade ground voice, (which, mind you, was none to good) ordered...

[Driver]

.... a pepperoni pizza, family size with anchovies and extra olives!

There was a stunned silence.

Lance-Corporal (formerly Major) Frontbottom was the first to recover:

"Can I just confirm your order, sir?" he said. "That was a family-size pepperoni pizza with anchovies and extra olives? Would you prefer thin and crispy or a deep-pan base?"

Scarcely had the words left his lips when ....

[craigb]

With a shiver of her timbers, the Very Little Gravitas Indeed finally succeeded in pushing through the Rip.

At first glance, their new location didn't look vastly different to where they had been prior to Roger's prodigous fart that had opened the Rip in the first place.

They were still surrounded by a vast expanse of blue water that stretched from horizon to horizon unbroken by any feature.

However on bouard the VLGI it was immediatley apparent that more than a few changes had occured.

Lance Corporal (formerly Major) Frontbottom was amazed and not a little chuffed to find himself wearing the uniform of a Lieutenant Colonel of The Royal Marines!

"And about bloody time too" he ejaculated arrogantly "no Frontbottom has ever been brought so low as to be a mere Lance Corporal!"

Roger however had not quite fared as well. In fact, it appeared that he'd been reduced to his former position of Cabin Boy!

"Oh no" groaned Groans to Captain-Cook Bastard "you know what this means don't you? We're going to be subjected to endless puns again on the name Roger and the words cabin boy"

'Well that's as maybe" replied Cook-Bastard "but if Roger's the cabin boy, who's in command of this ship?"

"Funny you should ask that" interjected .......

[Driver]

... the lowly Roger. "I've just been down to the captain's cabin to see if he wanted a drink or something. But there's no-one there."

"He must be somewhere else then," said Groans - ever the master of the bleeding obvious.

A search of the ship was instituted to find the captain. The entire vessel was combed from bowsprit to taffrail and from bilges to burgee - with no success. The vessel appeared to be completely leaderless!

"You know what this means," said ....

[craigb]

Staines (who was still a seaman by the way) "It means that we're just like the Marie Celeste, only different"

"What?!" thundered Lieutenant Colonel Frontbottom "explain yourself man if you please!"

"We-ll " began Staines nervously "you see ......

[Driver]

However, before Seaman Staines (to give him his full title) could continue, he was shoved rudely to one side by the ever-imposing figure of the Mother Farcquar.

"Just a minute!" quoth she. "If Roger the Cabin Boy is no longer Lt Commander Roger (VC and Bar), Master and Commander, indeed, Captain of this vessel, then who is?"

"We don't know!" wailed the assembled crew.

"You don't know?" said the Mother Farcquar.

"No! We don't know!" chorused the crew.

"So who? I say - who?" said the Mother Farcquar, sounding remarkably like Foghorn Leghorn (not that there's anything wrong with that, of course). "Who were you looking for when you conducted your extensive search of the ship?"

"Well .... the captain," they all said.

"And how would you know that you had found him if you don't know who he is?"

In the face of this devastating demonstration of logic, there was ....

[craigb]

a general gobsmacking.

"I'm gobsmacked" offered Groans to absolutely nobody's surprise.

"Just a minute" interposed Frontbottom "perhaps we should have an erection?"

I'm sorry, I'll read that again.

"perhaps we should have an election?"

"Ahhh, an election" quoth the mother F. "vote for this then, and she..

[Driver]

... (very rudely, it has to be said), turned round, flicked up her skirts, bent over and hauled down her drawers to reveal her gargantuan buttocks.

A frisson of horror ran through most of the crew.

However, there was one amongst their number whose reaction to the sight of those great wobbling glutei maximus was very different.

Yes! It was ....

[AlexS]

...very different indeed. The Well Known Suntan Lotion Test Pilot, Buck Naked, far from frissoning in horror like the rest of the crew, burst into tears of joy.

"Mother", he sobbed, "at last I've found you. Ever since the day of my birth, when you abandoned me in the Caymans, I've been searching for you in all the luxurious dens of iniquity on this earth. I knew that one day our paths would cross, but always feared that I wouldn't recognise you when they did. However, only one tiny gene pool could have glutei maximi like those in it, and we're both in it. If that were not enough, we also share the same...

[Driver]

But before he could reveal what characteristic it was that he thought he shared with the Mother Farcquar, he, like Seaman Staines before him, was interrupted by Herself.

Smacking him backhanded around the chops, she felled poor old Buck.

"So, it was you!," she hissed. "People have been telling me about a little brown nudist who has been following me about and asking questions about me. I'm not your mother, you twerp! I'm Farcquar's mother! Your name's not Farquar, is it? Of course it isn't. Farcquar wouldn't be so crass as to prance about with no strides on! You're a disgrace, that's what you..."

She paused to draw breath and ....

[AlexS]

...pull up her knickers, which in the slight prevailing breeze, had billowed like a spinnaker on an 18' skiff.

In his foetal position on the deck, Buck whimpered and trembled. His formerly buffed, steroid-assisted torso wobbled like a blob of peanut butter flavoured jelly and the side of his face where his putative mother had thumped him had started to turn nice shade of purple.

"Well hold on a second," said Lieutenant Colonel (formerly Lance Corporal Major) Frontbottom, "there is certainly a family resemblance between you two. In fact, apart from a certain careless mis-sorting of chromosomes, you could be identical twins. Are you sure you aren't the poor sod's mother?" Seeing Mother Farquar taking a backswing and getting ready to take a swipe at him, Frontbottom took a quick step back ...

[craigb]

and bumped into Fellatio Hornblower.

"Belay that backswing madam if you please" said Fellatio
"for you see I am the one you seek. (Well not just mother F of course but the whole crew of the VLGI).
Yes, that's right I am your new master and commander and the captain of this ship!"

The crew were absolutely slack jawed at this devolpment.

Seaman Staines approached Fellatio and.....

[Driver]

.. surprised him by performing a distinctly Regency bow. Waving his hand foppishly above his head, Staines brought it down below knee level, simultaneously placing one foot behind him and bowing at the waist.

"Prithee Sir Hornblower!" quoth he. "May I be first to congratulate your honour on your elevation to the captaincy. Gramercy and hurrah!"

The crew were taken completely aback by this totally unexpected display of gallantry from Staines. In unison they said:

"We are taken completely aback by this totally unexpected display of gallantry from Staines!"

Meanwhile, the Mother Farcquar ...

[craigb]

was about to remonstrate and be her usual bolshie self but to her amazement she wasn't allowed to because Fellatio cried...

"Bosun Bastard, be so good as to clap yon harriden in irons and consign her to the orlop deck"

"Aye aye Cap'n" said Bastard as he simultainiously tugged his forelock and manhandled the bulk of Mother Farquar down the companionway .

The rest of the crew, having witnessed these carryings on, were a tad nervous as it had suddenly becomne clear that in Fellatio they had a skipper to be reckoned with.

Master Bates .....

[Driver]

... shook his head in astonishment and pulled himself together (which, in his case, made a change........ However, we'll skip lightly over that one and get back to the narrative).

Things had obviously changed. In Hornblower the ship had a captain who was decisive and capable, it seemed. Bates approved of this.

Staines, on the other hand, was a different matter entirely. Bates watched him promenading about the maindeck with a powdered peruke wig atop his crusty old scone, waving a lace handkerchief, bowing to all and sundry and taking copious amounts of snuff.

"La, sir!" chirruped Beau Staines, the putative Regency dandy, to Leading Artificer Groans. "Would you do me the signal honour to take snuff with me? AAAAAAAHHHHHHCHOOOOO!"

He sneezed a great brown cloud of some noxious irritant in Groans' general direction. Groans leapt backwards to avoid the fallout and trod heavily on his arquebus - which he had propped against a bulwark. The ancient firearm promptly discharged a fusillade of nutritious and freshly-mixed muesli across the poop. It narrowly missed everyone but was the cause of not inconsiderable controversy for more than a few moments.

"Groans!' roared Hornblower. "Groans, there! Lay aft to the poop deck and bring that damn' fool Staines with ye!"

Groans ...

[fxst]

was about to make a monumentous comment when suddenly the stardust fairy appeared and with a flick of her wand all aboard the VGLI fell fast asleep transfixed in time waiting for someonr to break the spell............zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Driver]

And Lo! The spell was broken.

Stretching a somnolent leg, Staines awoke and belied his new-found Regency fop persona by cracking a tremendous fart.

Such was the momentously bass nature of this horrendous thrombugler that the very timbers of the vessel shivered from masthead to keelson.

The crew were jolted from their ....

[craigb]

Sally clapped her hands.

"Wasn't that the poorest segue we've ever experinced children?"

She enquired.

Tarquin ...

[Driver]

... who had bitten his tongue quite severely upon hearing of Staines' latest digestive transgressions, leapt to his feet:-

"Mith!" he lisped loudly, encumbered as he was by a tongue swollen to twice its normal size competing with the ill-fitting braces on his teeth. "Mith! I do feel that the authorth of thith thtwange thtorwy ought not to thpend time dethcwibing Thtaineth'th appalling habitth. Ith dithguthting!"

Sebastian was not particularly thrilled with Tarquin's outburst. He sat directly in front of Tarquin which put him well within effective spray range. He stood up carefully, wiping the back of his neck with his handkerchief. Turning, he fixed Tarquin with a gimlet eye and said, through clenched jaws:

"Pipe down, pipsqueak! No-one's interested in your half-witted pronouncements - and if you spray me once more with your manky spittle, I'll staple your buttocks together with your rotten teeth braces!"

Susan ....

[fxst]

was taken aback and then forwards but before she could deal with Sebastians outburst a dark fearsome shadow was cast over........

[Driver]

... the maindeck of the Very Little Gravitas Indeed.

Susan resumed reading:-

Yes! It was Her Horrible Self! The Mother Farcquar had been awakened, as had the ship's entire complement, by Staines' bottom and its fearsome output.

She lumbered across to where he lay in that half-awake, half-asleep state that most of us experience when morning breaks. However, poor Staines did not slowly come fully awake to the cheerful sound of the morning lark. Instead, he received yet another swift kick in the short ribs. This time delivered by the Mother Farcquar:

"Was that you?" she demanded. "Was that you who did that terrible brump? ANSWER ME!"

"Wha..?" Staines was perplexed. He ....

[craigb]

reached for his periwig but alas it had all been a dream and he wasn't a Regency fop at all, just a flatulent ne'er do well seaman.

Depressed at this sudden realisation of his station in life, Staines took the opportunity to make misery for the only unfortunate actually lower than he on the VLGI.

"Aha, young Roger!" he cried, with, it must be said, a rather evil glint in his eye, "berth yon buttocks alongside the good ship Staines for I have task for thee".

Roger was mortified. "Oh no" he thought to himself "not....

[AlexS]

...another round of nominative determinism. Why couldn't I have been called Roland Rich, or some other pleasant vocation?"
His reverie was interrupted by the martinet Captain Hornblower. "You think you have problems! Ever since I was a junior midshipman I've had my unfortunate name shoved down my throat. And what about poor Bosun Bastard? Imagine if he'd been born to the Limpwrist family, instead of being born a Bastard? Just settle down young feller, there's lots worse things than finding Seaman Staines in your bed."

The Mother Farcquar, who had been listening with interest to this tirade, interrupted with...

[Driver]

... her customary grace and tact.

"What a lot of bollocks!" quoth she. "You've always been a fathead, Hornblower! Just because you've somehow become a captain hasn't changed any....errk!"

She was in turn interrupted by several of Sponcracker's droids who yanked her off her feet and carried her off to the brig.

"Thank you, Sponcracker," said Hornblower. "I was ....

[craigb]

about to say that the cook Captain Cook-Bastard has spied a sail from the Crow's Nest"

At this unexpected news a murmour that rapidly approached a hubub borke out among the crew.

Great was their excitement and talking over each other and interrupting each other they pressed Fellatio for details.

At length, when the clamour had at last died down he addressed them.

"Yes, a sail. Cook-Bastard has clearly spied what appears to be a 74 gun ship of the line. However, the bad news is that she's flying the Tricolour".

"Aha, bloody Frenchies!" cried Lieutenant Colonel Frontbottom "I thought...

[echnidna]

... they might turn up just before we discover hawstraylia.

[Driver]

However, although several members of the crew were distracted by the sudden appearance of a Frog man 'o' war, stouter hearts aboard the Very Little Gravitas Indeed were not at all put out.

Muttering a phrase that had sprung, unbidden, into the forefront of what passed for his mind, to whit (anybody who is tempted to add "to woo" will be keel-hauled) .... I repeat, to whit:

"Cheese-eating surrender monkeys!"

Groans sprang to the portside gunwales, lifted a loudhailer to his salty old mush and, pointing the instrument at the French ship, yelled:-

"BOO!!'

in stentorian tones.

The effect was instantaneous and dramatic. The Frenchie's sails spilled air, she luffed, she yawed, she came about, she bloody near disappeared up her own transom...... White flags of surrender burst out in a flurry all over her upper yards.

"I say, Groans!" said Frontbottom. "Well done! Looks like the Frogs have given up!"

Just then ....

[craigb]

"Land Ho!" cried Cook-Bastard from the Crow's nest.

"Where away?" shouted Fellatio as he hurried up the companionway to the poop.

"Five points off the starboard bow" returned Cook-Bastard.

Rushing to the starboard rail, Fellatio was horrified to see that not only was land most definitely ho but the Very Little Gravitas Indeed was in fact
bearing directly toward a rather large pile of extremely sharp and nasty looking rocks.

Not only that but as the sea boiled and churned and crashed over the rocks on sailed the VLGI under full canvas reducing the distance between her and destruction by the second!

"Master Bates!" bellowed Fellatio as he sprang toward the wheel "you fool, you'll kill us all!"

"Hmppf, wha, whasat?" went Bates, waking from the rather disturbing dream he'd been having involving the Mother Farquar, a goat and a barrel of lard.

Roughly shoving Bates out of the way, Fellatio grabbed the wheel and swung it hard a port. Slowly the VLGI's bow began to swing away from the rocks but alas it was already too late.

With an almighty crash the ship hit the rocks! Timbers splintered, spars twisted and sheets shattered.

Frontbottom was thrown forward violently, collecting poor old Groans amidships. "Umph, argh, splat" went Groans as he hit the deck face first.

Seaman Staines .....

[fxst]

awoke and found it was only a dream and that he had tipped the contents of MF's chamberpot overhimself 'Bugger now what will we do for morning tea " he thought as he picked

[craigb]

splinters of oak from his backside and chunks of oakum from his ears.

"I wonder where this came from?" he thought to himself

"Staines" bellowed Hornblower "stop picking your bum and get your useless carcase to the quarterdeck. Can't you see we're on the rocks?"

"B-but that was just a dream" stammered Staines. "It was no dream you scurvy dog!" replied Fellatio. "We're in real danger of going down."

Upon hearing these fateful words from the Captain, Roger the Cabin Boy....

[Driver]

... started to twitch nervously. Just as he thought things were getting worse, a ripping noise was heard (which meant, although no-one knew it yet, that Roger was right - things were getting worse).

As ever, the ripping noise preceded something strange. A very odd figure materialised on the poop deck.

It was a tall, shambolic person, strangely attired. On his head he wore a cap that seemed to be made from fox fur (one wonders why?). His upper torso was clad in a rusty chainmail waistcoat over a startlingly clean white tee shirt. He wore no trousers - instead a long, tatty tartan kilt was slung about his waist. In front of this unappetising garment hung what was undoubtedly a lady's PVC handbag in place of a sporran. He had a long pole in his right hand and a scruffy, stuffed dead magpie was sewn loosely onto his left shoulder.

"G'day shipmates!" quoth this odd fellow. "Dogsbreath Mechanical Engineer at your service. Perhaps I can help."

He waved his pole aloft.

The ship, about to crash onto the rocks, halted its plummeting progress and veered away to safety.

Well ....

[HappyHammer]

...that's some pole you've got there" said an old slapper around the back of the pub, I'll only charge you 2 bucks for a quick slide.....

[Driver]

DZZZZT-dzzzt - DZZZT - WAH-wah- DDDDZZZZZZZZttttt!

From all the atmospherics, it was apparent that there was a major disturbance in the Rip. Even to those on the poop deck - accustomed as they were to strangeness in all its infinite forms - hearing the disembodied voice of some aging person of ill-repute emanating apparently from licensed premises was a surprise.

Hornblower shook his head, concentrated hard on the bloke in the kilt and the chain-mail weskit and said:

"Thank you. Pulling us clear of those rocks was a remarkable feat. I don't know how you managed it but: Thank you."

"No worries, mate." replied Dogsbreath.

"Er ...." Hornblower was clearly reluctant to give voice to what was on his mind.

"Spit her out, cobber!" said Dogsbreath. "If you keep it to yerself, yer'll wind up constipated!"

"Well," said Fellatio. "I was wondering. Are you, by any chance, Australian? And also, you seem to be wearing a hat made from fox fur. Why is that?"

"Well, mate. To answer the first part of your question, I'll quote a bit of verse from me old mate Bazza McKenzie:

I'll tell yer straight
I'm Australian, mate
And I feel like getting plastered.
But this beer's crook
And the girls all look
Like you, Yer Pommy bastard!

As for me hat, it's like this. I told all me mates I was leavin' and they asked where I was goin'. To Invercockieleekie, I said. And they all said the same thing: 'Wear the fox hat'. That's what they all said. Fair dinkum. So I did."

Well...

[Andy Mac]

..the crew upon the poop deck did pass their shifty eyes betwixt one t'other, and with a wink to the good Captain, the Bosun yelled forth "Roll out the barrel, me lads!! It might'n be Sundy, but let's drink to the health o' this Dogsbreath and his wise mate McKenzie!"
With that hearty call, the crew moved...

[Driver]

... down the various companionways (trampling the various companions as they passed, of course) and spliced (sploce?) the mainbrace.

This left an interesting group on the poop (The Poop Group, one might say - if one was so inclined, of course. Otherwise, one might skip lightly past this rather obvious piece of contrived phonics and get bloody on with it).

The group consisted of - reading from taffrail to binnacle:-

Several hamsters (looking, for no obvious reason, festive)
Seaman Staines (looking at Roger)
Roger the Cabin Boy (looking distinctly wary)
Leading Artificer Groans (looking for fresh muesli for his arquebus)
Nursing Sister Bo'sun Bastard (see - you'd forgotten that the Bo'sun had been transmogrified, hadn't you?)
Lieutenant-Colonel Frontbottom (RM) (looking self-satisfied)
Captain Fellatio Hornblower (looking at the compass heading)
Dogsbreath Mechanical Engineer (looking very pleased with himself - one wonders why?)

Anyone missing? Eh? ....Well, actually.....yes.

The crew is all below, on what Crabtree would undoubtedly call the pooss, the group on the poop are - collectively and individually - all looking at something or other. Even the hamsters are apparently frittering away their time.

So ..... who's steering the bloody ship? Eh? Eh?

(Answers on the back of an envelope, mailed to: TGS Very Little Gravitas Indeed, by no later than next Pancake Tuesday. No correspondence will be entered into).

[silentC]

It was Elvis! Yes Elvis, who had grown tired of appearing at 7/11 stores and gas stations, had decided now was the time to run away to sea. There he stood, resplendent in his sequined bell bottoms, hair magnificently blowing in the breeze, gripping the wheel as though it was a be-ponytailed bobby-soxer and gyrating as only The King can.

"Well, thank you very much," he said to no-one in particular.

[Driver]

So .... THAT'S why the hamsters were looking festive. It was Elvis at the helm!

Montmorency Hamster turned to his brother Marmaduke:

"D'you think he'll do requests, if we ask him nicely?"

"You could try," said Marmaduke. "I've always thought that Jailhouse Rock was one of his best."

With that...

[craigb]

Elvis turned to Sponcracker and said, in that well known Southern drawl "Well I'll be buggered, a talking hamster!"

"Yes and that's not all" replied Sponcracker. "Wait till you see this" And grabbing his remote control thingie that he used to control his 'droids, Sponcracker rapidly punched its' buttons.

This caused several odf the 'droids to form up in a line and produce various brass musical instruments from about their 'droid bodies.

The rest of the crew stood around open mouthed as the 'droids, sounding exactly like the Mussel Shoals Horns, launched into the opening bars of Suspicious Minds.

The King of course, sang: "We're caught in a trap.....

[HappyHammer]

don't look back
because it's all rubbish baaaaby
this thread is crap
but don't you dare say that
because driver and craig will get upseeeeet:eek: :eek: :D :D :D

HH.

[fxst]

The King of course, sang: "We're caught in a trap.....
where upon all the hampsters cheered because each of them could recall at least 1 relative that was stuck in a wheel of furtune or worse a wheel of......

[HappyHammer]

....perpetual self indulgence.....

HH.

[Andy Mac]

Whereupon there was great rending in the sky, and solemn bearded face appeared through the clouds and all aboard the good ship did drop to their unworthy knees. An earsplitting shrill blasted from a gilded whistle in his holy lips. And the great moderator in the sky spake thus: "Get thee gone HH, and leave alone this tiny vessel and those that sail under the banner of light-hearted fun, lest you be given a red card! Surely one of so great an intellect as yourself have better tasks at hand. You have been warned!!" And with this dire message, grand curtains of crushed velvet in a nice paisley pattern drew closed with a final deafening clack of thunder, and a small fart...

[HappyHammer]

Too late Andy fxst beat you to it, I guess having fun with the fun erodes some peoples sense of humour quicker than others....very sad.:(

........the fart smelled so bad that all sense of humour was lost.....

HH.

[craigb]

so the crew decided to call it "Happy Hammer".

So, for instance, Bosun Bastard would say to Groans "You've farted you old bugger haven't you?" but Groans would reply "No! I haven't! I may have Happied though. " he'd say with a leer.

Meanwhile, back on the poop, Elvis.....

[Christopha]

O'Presleystein slammed his foot down onto the foot of a wee Unhappy Hammer and he became nought but a tacky little Tack Hammer with a funny pointed head and a strangely unpleasant aroma somewhat reminiscent of soccer players old inner sole. The poor benighted Unhappy Hammerstein promptly headed for...........

[ozwinner]

The nearest Bunnies.
With evil on his mind..........................

[craigb]

and an old fella in his hand.

[ozwinner]

The old fella was frail and bent, so bent that he needed a walking frame.
When they reached the paint section the old frail bent guy said.......................

[craigb]

"you know, this takes me back"

"Does it grandad" said the lad

"Aye son" said the old fella "Many's the tale I coild tell you of my seafaring days"

"Well off you go then" (said the boy)

"I remember it as if it were yesterday" reminisced the old fella "leading artificer was my position and ....

[ozwinner]

All I used to do was artifice....................

"And" said the young en...........

[Driver]

... the captain called down from the poop deck: ...."

"Groans! Groans there! Lay aft to the poop deck and bring that dam' fool Staines with ye!"

As the old man struggled to imitate Hornblowers's powerful roar, the years dropped away and he was (literally) transported back aboard the Very Little Gravitas Indeed.

He grabbed Staines by the shirt collar and trotted up the companionway to the poop deck. (He ignored a raft of whinging from various companions as they were trampled underfoot). Momentarily distracted by the entirely unexpected sight of the King of Rock 'N Roll manning the tiller, Groans pulled himself together and saluted Fellatio.

"Leading Artificer Groans, reporting as instructed, Captain!" he said.

"Yerss," said Hornblower. "Take Staines and ....

[ozwinner]

Get some paint from Bunnies, I have an idea to paint the...........

[HappyHammer]

.....unlikely that he'll be able to get to bunnies and buy that paint.

[AlexS]

Get some paint from Bunnies, I have an idea to paint the...........
...town red tonight.

The assembled crew immediately broke ranks, dashed to their vermin-infested berths (again trampling their companions in the companionways) and started fighting over possession of the ship's prophylactic, in anticipation of a run ashore.

Little did they know that a run ashore, in a far more serious sense of the phrase (or perhaps not, depending on your priorities), was again on the cards. The last flatulent eruption had blown the ship back onto a perilous tack, and TGSVLGI was now, under the watchful gaze of Caption Fellatio, being blown, so to speak, aground.

"Oh bother, flounced Hornblower.....

[Driver]

... not again! Where's that Australian chap?"

"Er, that's 'bloke', mate," said Dogsbreath. "Where I come from, ya don't call a bloke a 'chap". Not, that is, if ya want yer life to proceed in a peacable manner. I remember one of youse Poms coming into the pub back home one time..."

"Look!" said Hornblower. "We're about to run aground! Do you think you could spare us the antipodean reminiscences and do your thing with your pole?" He twirled his hand in the air in approximate imitation of Dogsbreath's earlier pole manipulating feat.

"Ah! Yair, righto!" said Dogsbreath. "Tend to get a bit carried away when I think about the old Cowcockies' Arms. Bloody good pub! Cold beer, skimpy barmaids ..."

"Yes! Yes!" said Hornblower. "Later! For heaven's sake!" He pointed at the very nasty-looking rocks looming up on their port quarter.

"Sorry, mate!" said Dogsbreath. "There ya go!" He waved his pole.

Not much happened .....

[fxst]

for the next few seconds and then a mighty rip appeared above them and a huge pair of hands appeared and the putting down the axe a plug was pulled and the TGSVLGI was sucked into another dimension again this one however......

[Driver]

... had no nasty-looking rocks on the port quarter. Instead, it had a Force 10 gale, blowing from dead astern.

The VLGI was being borne along at the very crest of an enormous wave, at least 60 feet above the trough. Dead astern, and nearly four full ship length's away, was the crest of the following wave.

It was at this point that helmsman Elvis proved his worth. Taking in the situation in a swift glance whille whistling through his teeth the main hook from "Heartbreak Hotel", he flicked back his quiff, grasped the wheel firmly, called Dogsbreath across to help him, finessed the helm so that the ship bore two or three points finer and yelled to Hornblower:-

"Take in your mains'ls, Captain!"

The crew leapt to their ...

[HappyHammer]

...deaths over the side of the ship rather than continue on this journey and Elvis and the Cap'n were left to ponder there next move as the crew disappeared from view beneath the foaming sea...

[Driver]

.... momentarily - only to re-appear immediately, bobbing about on the foaming surface.

How could this be?

Well, Dear Reader, the strange events had caused the good ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed to be blown by the storm into Dyer Straits where, as you will recall from Episode #655, the current constantly forces the water back to the surface. Hence the crew's attempt at collective drowning was doomed to failure.

The first to realise what had happened was Montmorency the hamster. Mustering his fellow hamsters into a chain of rescuers, he supervised them as, displaying astonishing strength and dexterity for such short-legged, chubby-cheeked organisms, they hauled the crew aboard, heaving them over the taffrail and tossing them one by one into the scuppers.

A brief argument broke out between Marmaduke, who wanted to throw Staines back, and Hieronymus, who was inclined to be more charitable. Staines solved the problem by grasping firmly onto Hornblower's ankle and refusing to move.

"Oh, very well!" said Marmaduke. "Let the horrible old bugger stay aboard. But really, Hieronymus, you're far too soft-hearted. I would have kept throwing him back overboard until we shot the Straits so he could usefully drown in a more normal ocean."

"Well," said Hieronymus. "They're all back aboard. And just in time because we're out of the Straits!"

They glanced back over the taffrail - expecting to see the very peculiar Dyer Straits disappearing astern. But their astonished gaze met an entirely unexpected sight.

It was Dogsbreath Mechanical Engineer, his tatty kilt blowing wildly about his knees, his PVC lady's handbag streaming out in his wake as he surfed down the face of a monster wave, one hand clutching his fox hat and the other grasping his pole as he pointed at the VLGI and yelled:-

"Hang one, youse blokes! A man's trying bloody hard to keep up!"

Just then ....

[CameronPotter]

The Very Little Gravitas Indeed's crew got a nasty suprise as they spotted, the Very Little Gravitas Indeed (from this dimension).

This started to play havoc with their minds - which some of the more sensible crew decided to ignore and instead only used their raw animal instinct.

[Editorial Note: Meanwhile Dogsbreath is still surfing along behind the VLGI and wondering why nobody is paying him attention anymore.]

"Well, I'll be buggered with a..." the Captain started to say before Staines interupted because...

[fxst]

he was wont to 'Man wearing pommy football shirt climbing up on the starboard bow ' quick as a flash the Captain said to Elvis the helmsman (no PC in this dimension) 'aim for the other Very Little Gravitas Indeed' 'Aye Aye Jim I'll scrape him off while singing love me tender' and seaman Staines nodded...

[HappyHammer]

...off because the King was so boring.

"Tsunami!!" cried someone with a silly name.
"Bugger love me tender I'm off" said the fat bloke in the strange all in one suit and jumped overboard killing several hamsters on the way and setting the majority of the crew adrift again.

[Driver]

Sally gently closed the book. Reaching up, she took off her glasses and shook loose her long dark hair. There was a perceptible intake of breath from some of the bigger boys - particularly Sebastian. Sally seemed not to notice. The same could not be said of Daphne, who muttered something incoherent and fiddled aggressively with her hockey stick while casting dark glances in Sally's direction.

Sally affected not to notice this.

"Well, children," she said. "This is very interesting, isn't it? There seems to be some conflict amongst the authors as to how the narrative should develop. This new Dogsbreath person, the rather odd Australian, seems to have injected a new note of slightly unusual powers. What do you think? Yes, Tarquin?"

Tarquin had been squirming in his seat with his hand stretched skywards in an attempt - manifestly successful - to attract Sally's attention.

"Pleathe Mith!" he lisped. "I think it'th vewy exthiting! I think the tenthion thet up by the attemptth by one of the authorth to get rid of the whole crew and finith off the entire thtorwy ith a wonderful piethe of inventiveneth!"

Thebathtian rothe thlowly (I'm sorry!) .... Sebastian rose slowly to his feet. He wiped the back of his neck with a large handkerchief. Turning, he fixed Tarquin once more with a gimlet eye. This time he also reached out and grasped Tarquin's shirtfront. Lifting him off his chair, he eyeballed the little lisping pillock from about three inches.

"Why am I not surprised, pillock, to learn that you think these attempts to hi-jack the plot are exciting?" he said. "Is it because I know you to be a short-@rsed, lisping, sycophantic serial pest? Or is it because you have no truly creative, innovative qualities and you get your miserable kicks from seeing the creative efforts of others spoiled by what amounts to literary vandalism?"

"I'm sorry, Miss," he said to Sally, who was trying ineffectually to pull him off Traquin. "I'll put him down now."

Reaching across with the hand that was not dangling Tarquin's struggling person above his chair, Sebastian literally brushed him off, causing Tarquin to subside at some velocity back onto his seat, where he tried hard to regain both his breath and his composure.

Sally was not amused.

"Really, Sebastian!" she exclaimed. "It's not nice to manhandle your classmates like that! Even if you are big and strong and eminently capable of lifting people off their feet." She blushed and looked confused.

Daphne twisted her hockey stick in a frustrated stew.

Sebastian eyed Sally in an entirely non-student-like manner. He cleared his throat.....

Meanwhile, back aboard the good ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed, things were developing as she sped silently across the yawning void between galaxies, her hyper-space thrusters fully engaged.

The captain ....

[fxst]

was about to retire to his cabin when the lookout called down "Klingons on the starboard bow Captain". The Captain looked at leading helmsman James Seawater and asked " what shall we do Jim?"and he replied "it matters not Sir the silly twit will be along to try his hand at destroying this thread as he is incapable of watching others enjoy themselves." and with that ......................

[HappyHammer]

.....the Captain looking bewildered by the readers references to literature as this is surely not literature but merely the fanciful wanderings of a bunch of blokes with silly names.

"I tell you what Jim as we seem unable to lose a single crew member I suggest we attempt to test the theory by setting the ship to self destruct in 10 seconds."suggested the Captain.

"Way ahead of you there Captain I set it going 9 seconds ago, although I am sure those who believe this thread is not for public contribution will not allow it."

BANG !!!

[fxst]

he would have shot happyhammer another reddy if he could and removed the self destruct button and went to bed to dream perchance to............

[craigb]

read the words:


Chapter Ten

[Driver]

Dawn broke.

At least it broke somewhere in the galaxy - possibly on the planet Coozbane, for example.

Not, however, on the fighting bridge of the good starship Very Little Gravitas Indeed. There is no dawn in the aching, soul-destroying, interminable yawning reaches of space between star systems.

As the crew conned her forwards at close to light speed, checking the vision panels intermittently, they found it difficult to discern any progress. The minor star system programmed into the ship's navigation processors seemed to get no closer.

Captain Nemo, back in his human form, felt strongly that he needed to do something to boost morale amongst the crew.

"Y'know, Dogsbreath," he said to his recently appointed Sergeant-at-Arms. "I feel strongly that I need to do something to boost morale amongst the crew."

"Morale, eh?" said Dogsbreath. "Used to know a bloke back in Oodnapissup who was always whingin' about morale...."

"Yes, Yes," interjected Nemo in an attempt to curtail another one of Dogsbreath's appallingly lengthy reminiscences. Too late!

"Yair...." Dogsbreath chuckled. "Jeez he was a bloody pain! I remember walking into the Cowcockies Arms one night and there 'e was! Sinkin' beer and whinging about morale! 'Morale?' I said. 'Morale?' Don't bloody talk ter me about bloody morale! I've ...."

[AlexS]

...seen better morale during a whip-round on the flogging deck of the hell-ship Titan Uranus, than I've ever seen on any of the versions of the Good Ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed. Yer gunna have to do sumpthin' more than give this lot a corporate star if you want to improve morale."

"Very well, Dogsbreath, what do you suggest", asked Nemo, taken aback by the strength of Dogsbreath's response. (He was also taken aback by the strength of Dogsbreath's breath, but that's another story for another time.)

"Skipper," says Dogsbreath, "you can't beat a bit of community singing to improve morale." So saying, he grabbed the Mother Farquar's wooden leg (oh yes, the MF now has a wooden leg) to use as a baton, sprang onto the taffrail and ordered Thebathtion to scurry back to his cabin and get his theramin.

"Now, crew, when Thebathtion returns with his theramin, he will accompany us all in a round of community singing, for the express purpose of improving morale. The first song, to which you all know the words, will be.....

[Stuart]

argh, I seem to have forgotton da wordz, but as the sun sets in the east, we all hum the tune made famous by the Sex Pistols, and sleep, perchance to dream..........

[HappyHammer]

argh, I seem to have forgotton da wordz, but as the sun sets in the east, we all hum the tune made famous by the Sex Pistols, and sleep, perchance to dream..........

Funny you should say that Stuart as I did actually post the words but alas I was reported to a moderator and they were removed.:confused:

HH.

[HappyHammer]

Hey CraigB thanks for the reddie which post did you object to? Want to make sure you're justified in calling me a tosser...:D :eek: