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23rd Dec 2004, 04:30 PM
'Twas the night before the night before Christmas and all through the ship ....

the crew were wondering why the captain was prowling about the quarterdeck (windward side, of course), with his handy-size patented Captain's All-Purpose Repair Kit clutched in his fist while he gazed intently at a particular patch of sky, low on the portside horizon.

"Quartermaster!" he called.

"Aye, Aye, Sir!" said Seaman Staines (for it was he).

"Steer three points on the North-East quarter!" said the Captain.

"Three points it is, Sir!" quoth Staines.

"And send for the cabin boy! Can't bring his name to mind." said the Captain.

Staines, with a distinctly evil leer, said ...

23rd Dec 2004, 06:03 PM
"We are having withdrawal symptoms since that last one was locked up."

Just then an apparition appeared wielding an axe in one hand a giant padlock in the other.

"Oh no" cried Staines. "It is The Lord High Executioner"

On bended knee the whole crew listened as the Voice said, "Now listen you scurvy bunch of fabric ripping, cross dressing, transexual and gender crossing transvestites. If you don't play nicely the axe will be wielded and locks applied."

As he dissappeared from whence he came The crew muttered amongst themselves.

"I think we should

23rd Dec 2004, 06:22 PM
"We are having withdrawal symptoms since that last one was locked up."

Was that the cabin boy who was locked up??

Al :D

23rd Dec 2004, 06:26 PM
he was knocked up

23rd Dec 2004, 06:28 PM
Everyone run!!

Here comes the big axe again!!

Al :eek:

23rd Dec 2004, 10:16 PM
... Staines, of course, was a person of limited imagination and obsessive bent (Bent? Strewth! You can say that again!). He had remained completely oblivious of the Lord High Thingo with his lock and his chopper. Taking his quartermasterly duties very seriously, Staines had continued to set a course three points on the NE quarter. He was also determined to answer his Captain's question:

"Roger!" he muttered emphatically. "His name is Roger!"

The Captain, hearing this, spun round on his heel and ...

23rd Dec 2004, 10:43 PM
shouted over the roar of the wind in the sails and out of his rectum.

"Roger the cabin boy? Is that a command?" the Captain queried

The Captain then ...

24th Dec 2004, 08:50 AM
shouted to the crew "hold on to your breeches, boys, here we go again." With that ...

24th Dec 2004, 09:03 AM
Bates, the ships master ( ;) ) broke up some glass for the ceremonial surgical procedure commonly practised by Rabbi's but in a different manner.........

27th Dec 2004, 05:17 PM
... "Belay that!" cried the Captain, having espied from the corner of his eye what Bates was up to. "If you're intending a surgical procedure in the vicinity of that crewman's wedding tackle, be so good as to apply the approved unguent."

"What be that, then, Cap'n?" enquired Master Bates, affecting a spurious innocence.

"None other than: ..." the Captain paused for dramatic effect. "MAX FACTOR KNACKER LACQUER!"

With that, the crew, as one, completed the liturgy:-


The famous phrase, uttered in unison, caused such excitement among the crew that there was a spontaneous burst of hornpipe dancing all along the starboard maindeck. Keen observers would have noticed a similar exhibition of maritime terpsichory performed in miniature by a team of hamsters, dancing along the taffrail.

"Ahoy, there, Ermintrude!" cried one of the hamsters ...

29th Dec 2004, 09:54 AM
Ermintrude, taken aback by the cry left a pat on the deck.

"You dirty cow!" shouted the Captain.
"Shutup peg leg or I'll start a mutiny" replied Zebedee defending Ermintrudes honour.
"I couldn't give a flying fick I'm not having cow's taking a shat on my deck." and with that remark the captain plugged Ermintrude with the deck mop to prevent further excretion.


29th Dec 2004, 07:20 PM
That must be your devil post, all the 666's!! :eek:

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Al :D

29th Dec 2004, 07:31 PM
and with that remark the captain plugged Ermintrude with the deck mop to prevent further excretion.


... sprang to her defence. Unfortunately, he sprang with a little too much enthusiasm. With a triumphant "BOING!!" he disappeared over the starboard gunwale.

Now, Dear Reader, it's an unfortunate fact that anyone whose lower anatomy consists of nothing more than a large spring is at a significant disadvantage when suddenly immersed in large quantities of ocean. This is a diplomatic way of conveying to you that we shall see no more of Zebedee in this saga because the poor sod drowned.

"That's got rid of the irritating little sod!" muttered Ermintrude, stepping very carefully along the deck ...

29th Dec 2004, 07:46 PM
she failed to see the rope across the deck, over which she tripped breaking her neck. To most people this would be considered to be mildly debiliating however Ermintrude found it ...

29th Dec 2004, 08:21 PM
Oh Children of the Foil, let us pray to the High Priestess Allana from the planet Craporium, for she will smite those who shun the foil.

Gees Grunt. I reckon you might have had a little too much Chrissy cheer or maybe the weeds are growing well up there. :D :D :D

29th Dec 2004, 08:24 PM
Dont breath in too deaply , or youll be affected too.

Al :confused: :o :D

29th Dec 2004, 08:36 PM
Gees Grunt. I reckon you might have had a little too much Chrissy cheer or maybe the weeds are growing well up there. :D :D :D

Sounds like grunt is downwind of a bushfire with Mary Jane plants in the middle of the fire!!!
:) :rolleyes: :cool: :p :) :rolleyes: :cool: :p :D :D ;) ;)

30th Dec 2004, 08:45 AM
Or sniffing shellac before the addition of the shellac :p

30th Dec 2004, 08:57 AM
Gees Grunt. I reckon you might have had a little too much Chrissy cheer or maybe the weeds are growing well up there.

Just the usual cocktail of amphetamines, opiates, cocaine and alcohol. You wait until I really get high.

30th Dec 2004, 09:18 AM
she failed to see the rope across the deck, over which she tripped breaking her neck. To most people this would be considered to be mildly debiliating however Ermintrude found it ......deadly as she had fallen head first into the runny shat on the deck which was just deep enough for her to drown in. "Thank fick for that" said the captain "those magic roundabout bastards keep popping up all over the place."

At that moment there was a dull thud and the sound of someone climbing into the boat. It was Mr Potato Head looking a little miffed at the large spring stuck to his head.

"Who threw this?" he demanded.
"It was the cow..." mumbled Zebedee.
"Someone get this off of my head" said MPH
"Where exactly is your head?" asked the captain.
"Are you taking the p1ss?" with that MPH.......

30th Dec 2004, 05:23 PM
... was clapped in irons by the bosun and flung into the brig.

"No-one talks to the captain like that!" said the bosun.

"What's our course, steersman?" said the captain.

"Three points on the nor-east quarter, sir!" said Staines.

"Very well! Hold your course."

The captain resumed his intent stare into the middle distance, clutching his repair kit ...

1st Jan 2005, 01:08 PM
Sally quietly closed the book and said:

"Now, children, I wonder if you can discern where this tale is leading us?"

"Up a blind alley, as usual!" muttered Farquar.

Henry sprang to his feet and, swotting Farquar about the ears with a rolled-up copy of The Times, cried: "Silence! You scurvy knave! Have you no respect for Miss Sally's sensibilities?"

At this, Farquar's mother (aka: The Mother Farquar, with good reason, as we shall see), shirt-fronted Henry, driving him into the carpet like a brad from the Sainted Norm's Porter Cable nailgun.

Sally quickly re-opened the book ...

1st Jan 2005, 05:58 PM
just as it was lights out so she was not able to see anything anyway, with eager anticipation of dawn and first light she waited, then several hours later the first ray of sunlight shone into her abode and she saw.............

1st Jan 2005, 11:07 PM
that she had lost the page....

2nd Jan 2005, 12:49 PM
... which was a bloody nuisance because she had sent him to fetch her a pot of tea. The page, not realising that he was lost, was actually busily chatting up the best-looking of the parlour-maids.

Meanwhile, back on the quarter deck, the Captain ...

2nd Jan 2005, 03:08 PM
was drinking his tea and contemplating the cabin boy. "Roger" thought the Captain " and what was his name again?"

Startling the Captain, a knock was heard at the door. "Captain, Captain come quick a Klingon Ship has been spotted on the starboard bow." urged Staines.

The Captain ...

2nd Jan 2005, 07:39 PM
thought" Bloody Klingons spotting everything just like those damn seagulls over the washing line...."
He recovered from this sombre thought and realised that the Klingons had been spotted by someone on the ship. " Good " thought the captain " hope they had their washing out..." " What the ..." he said stumbling along until he was uptight against Roger who was bent over doing up his shoe laces ( he was really wearing thongs) ( on his feet) The captain hard up against Rger thought"............

2nd Jan 2005, 07:44 PM
..It would probably help this youth if we were to paint "Left" and "Right" on the toes of his boots. This would help him to remember that they are actually separate pieces of equipment, not designed to be tied together."

He swatted the cabin boy aside and strode onto the bridge.

"Och, Mr Spock!" he said. "Bring on the Klingons!"

With that ...

2nd Jan 2005, 08:13 PM
Spock was about to act , when suddenly an almighty thunderclap happened and the entire sky turned orange and the hamsters all ......

3rd Jan 2005, 06:06 AM
started chanting Hari Krishna..........

3rd Jan 2005, 10:05 AM
... which is quite a difficult trick when you're dancing a hornpipe along the taffrail (the rhythm's quite different, you see). Anyway - the clever little buggers managed it.

Glancing skywards, they became aware of the reason for the sky having turned orange. Farcquar's mother had squeezed herself through the rip in the fabric of the universe (at last it gets a mention!) and was descending on the ship in a flurry of Triton-orange undergarments, acting as a substitute parachute.

Horatio Hamster turned to his mate Havelock Hamster and said:-

"Who's that big, fat Mother Farcquar?" (At least, I think that's what he said, although it seems an odd question to ask if he already knew who she was :rolleyes: )

3rd Jan 2005, 03:47 PM
Aaahhh, said Havelock, she is the hamsters official BAG LADY coming here on urgent Hamster business. Her task is to nuetralize the Captain by .......

3rd Jan 2005, 05:12 PM
neutering him.

The Captain screamed as the knife sliced through his 15 layers of MFKL and then through flesh.

Roger cheered. The Bag Lady cackled. Seaman Staines jaw dropped.

The hamsters ...

3rd Jan 2005, 10:06 PM
....rushed down to the galley and got a new jar of vegemite to celebrate but the cupboard was bare except for a ........

4th Jan 2005, 11:14 AM
..jar of pickled onions. The Hamsters retrieved the jar and hid the Captains recently removed onions. Later that day whilst looking for munchies after a bong Seaman Staines opened the jar and....

4th Jan 2005, 09:17 PM
took a bite out of one of them but being a bit rubbery he......

4th Jan 2005, 10:31 PM
... spat it out. The offending (rubbery) article rebounded of a nearby bulkhead, shot across the orlop deck, ricocheted upwards off a companionway, bounced off the underside of a partly open hatch and emerged horizontally, travelling across the main deck at about 120 kph. Its progress was severely hampered when it came into contact with the Mother Farcquar's rear end.

She leapt into the air, clutching her hindquarters, and spun round. Standing behind her was the entirely innocent cabin boy: Roger.

Farcquar's mother assumed that Roger was responsible for tweaking her gigantic stern end. She gave him what she erroneously thought was a saucy smile and said:-

"Well now, you're a cheeky little Farcquar, aren't you?" She moved ponderously in his appalled direction.

"Staines!" squeaked Roger. "Help!" And with that he ...

5th Jan 2005, 10:16 AM
exploded leaving a creater in the deck the size of whale. Several of the crew were killed by the incredible force of the blast. These were the lucky ones because the surviours ...

5th Jan 2005, 11:20 AM
...were unable to remove the remains of the Farcquar from there skin and hair. The sticky goo ate into them after a few days and they began to resemble burn victims, infections followed until the entire crew perished.

Many years later an Ocean going liner found the boat adrift and the remains of the crew on board. The goo however was still active and transferred itself onto the boarding party. Back on the liner.....

5th Jan 2005, 07:04 PM
they realised it was just a booze induce dream and the active goo was nought else but 1 day old pancake mix that had vegetables added so all was..............

5th Jan 2005, 09:00 PM
......well on the good ship Lollipop until the hamsters discoverd their jar had gone missing .....

6th Jan 2005, 09:03 AM
..and they knew that b1tch Shirley Temple had nicked it so they...

6th Jan 2005, 09:10 AM
decided to forget all the past problems and move on to chapter two.................

6th Jan 2005, 07:05 PM
Chapter Two

The sky ahead of the ship was clear. Fishscale Anthromorph, the admiral's aide-de-camp, adjusted the clear vision screens and turned to the First Officer:-

"Number One," he said. "There's a strange object manifesting itself at 350 parsecs in the lower third quadrant."

"Bollocks!" said Number One. "That's ...

6th Jan 2005, 07:12 PM
the second time today I have said Bollocks, itsth tho butch and I just love it, when we interthept the thrange object can we go to your quarters again and play that intimate game again?
Fishscale Anthromorph thought about this for awhile and lusting for a bit of interplanetary bonding rapidly agreed.
Sod the strange object, he said, lets go and try that new..............

6th Jan 2005, 07:39 PM
... aluminium foil beanie that was beamed up to us by Alana Ozwinner from that insignificant little green planet."

With that ...

6th Jan 2005, 08:23 PM
the spuds were wrapped up and tossed onto the BBQ......

8th Jan 2005, 04:15 PM
Fishscale Anthromorph sank into a trance as the potatoes sizzled away merrily, he was deep in thought and completely forgot about the strange object and was oblivious that it had attached a tractor beam to their craft.
The trcator beam came from the strange object which was a little grey fergey, luna edition, and was crewed by a colony of demonic solictors who had been banished from earth some eons earlier as a result of their ethical behaviour contrary to legal practise.
With the ship firmly in their grasp the solicitors hatched their evil little plan to...........
(Geez, the reds working well today).

8th Jan 2005, 07:44 PM
control all foil caps....

8th Jan 2005, 08:33 PM
So they could convert them to spud roasting implements and then they intend to sell franchises to ....

8th Jan 2005, 08:36 PM

8th Jan 2005, 11:14 PM
... of Invercockaleekie, a fierce Highland clan, much given to gargling with Glenfiddich.

Fishscale, deep in contemplation of the barbecuing spuds, was completely unaware of this dastardly plot. Fortunately, the hamsters had recently materialised on the ship's bridge and had spotted both the tractor beam and the identity of the crew of solicitors.

Havelock Hamster, realising the peril, stopped dancing the hornpipe and turning to Horatio Hamster, said:

"The dastardly bastards! They're trying to gain control of the foilies!"

"The bastardly dastards!" said Horatio. "We can't have ...

9th Jan 2005, 07:34 AM
them gaining control, but, as very few people know, hamsters are born with law degrees and warded off the attack by countering with outrageous fees and other matters of jurisprudence.
The solicitors realising that they had been outwitted by rodent barristers released the tractor beam and buggered off to wreak good intentions on some other poor unsuspecting sods in a forgotten corner of the universe.
The hamsters were well pleased with themselves and in a show of piousness issued a series of writs against the entire crew for................

9th Jan 2005, 05:00 PM
...robbing the rich, conning the ship, taking the ****, pulling the pud and (with this last one the hamsters over-reached themselves somewhat) muffin' the mule.

The crew got off on a technicalty when it was realised that the mule had, in fact, ...

9th Jan 2005, 08:00 PM
been a small horse in the back country of vitorious a state of a small country ruled by lawers and ..............

10th Jan 2005, 07:47 AM
honest politicians who failed their exams in corruption and perverting the course of justice.............

10th Jan 2005, 12:43 PM
The horse in question had decided to sue for Grevious Bodily Muffin but when asked to sit in the dock found himself unable due to a bad case of piles. When pressed the piles popped and the judge was none to pleased and threw the case out of court.

The pud thought he might have a better chance so.....

13th Jan 2005, 04:17 PM
... he invoked an ancient privilege and sued for incestuous malfeasance. This was all too much for the captain who decided it was time to move on to Chapter Three ...

13th Jan 2005, 04:27 PM
Chapter Three

It was a dark and stormy night ...

13th Jan 2005, 04:35 PM
A young maiden named Jenny Raytor was alone in the house when she heard a noise by the french windows. A young ruffian by the name of Paddy O'Doors was attempting to break into the house with his mate Jimmy.

Jenny Raytor although a little scared at first felt turned on by the danger of her situation and started to hum gently.

"What's that hum?" asked Paddy.
"Wasn't me, you're the one who ate the prunes." replied Jimmy.
"Not a smell you idiot a noise." scolded Paddy.

They peered through the gap in the interior curtains and.....

13th Jan 2005, 04:44 PM
and immediately got sucked through to the dark side as the gap in the curtains was really the rip in the fabric of the universe. A startled Paddy said to Jimmy .........

13th Jan 2005, 04:50 PM
"Fark me !"
"No thanks" replied Jimmy as he landed with a bump.
"What's that?"

Another shape was falling through the rip it was Jenny still humming......

13th Jan 2005, 05:30 PM
... the William Tell Overture aka the theme tune from The Lone Ranger.

Paddy grabbed Jimmy by the throat. "Any hint from you of a tendency to tell Lone Ranger jokes will result in your immediate death!" he hissed through clenched teeth.

"Take your hands from me windpipe and I'll render the appropriate reassurance." croaked Jimmy, who had a true Irishman's verbosity.

Meanwhile, Jenny ...

13th Jan 2005, 05:48 PM
...happily humming the tune that had just sent Paddy high, was studiously engaged in thumbing through a pile of interior decorating books so she could repaint the fabric of the universe.
While flipping through the pages she noticed a cute chimp and a bricklayer in an interesting pose so .....

13th Jan 2005, 08:19 PM
... she immediately realised that she had inadvertently stumbled upon a publication that had no place amongst her stack of books on interior decorating. A publication aimed at a very specific and narrow interest group, in fact.

Intrigued, she flipped through its pages and came upon some very interesting information relating to foil beanies and pancakes. This led her ...

13th Jan 2005, 08:42 PM
..to consult the great book of witchcraft so that she....

13th Jan 2005, 08:51 PM
turn herself into the Great Alana and ...

13th Jan 2005, 09:48 PM
do some bricklaying on the side...

14th Jan 2005, 07:04 AM
but pondered as to which side............

14th Jan 2005, 10:06 AM
board she had left the spell book in.

Meanwhile Jimmy and Paddy O' Doors had gone exploring and stumbled across a village where people had curious names....

"Who are you?" asked a villager.
"Paddy O'Doors, who are you?" replied Paddy.
"I'm Mortiser Adams, pleased to meet you, will you be staying for dinner?"

Jimmy could have sworn he saw the womans eyes flash red as she said dinner but he passed it off as a trick of the light.

Jenny Raytor had found the spell book and....

14th Jan 2005, 10:54 PM
...thought she would pick one out randomly.
So she closed her eyes, opened the book and put her finger on the page.
When she looked she found that she had selected a recipe called "Big Al's Pancake Batter" so she excitedly ......

14th Jan 2005, 11:04 PM
... started to collect the ingredients.

It was only when she reached the part that said "melt down five old 78s" that she realised she had turned over two pages at once.

In great confusion, she coated the bed of a well-used Stanley Bailey #4 with a nutritious and satisfying mixture of beaten eggs and flour at the same time as she poisoned several of her dinner guests with a series of featherlight crepes made of Al's Patented Craporium Japanning Compound.

This caused ...

16th Jan 2005, 07:37 PM
... the hamsters to rush for the remaining Al's Patented Craporium Japanning Compound so they could use it to ......

16th Jan 2005, 08:46 PM
dip thier yables in it and save a fortune on MFKL. The hamsters failed to realise ...

16th Jan 2005, 10:38 PM
... that Al's Patented Craporium Japanning Compound is actually a thermoplastic which requires heat to render it viscous. Thus those hamsters who attempted a cold application were disappointed.

Those who realised that the compound required to be in a hot molten state felt very superior right up until the moment when they subjected their miniscule appendages to a serious thermal overload. This caused them to deliver - in high castrato tones - a moving rendition of the well-known Jerry Lee Lewis classic: ... (?)

17th Jan 2005, 07:13 AM
The Good Ship Venus, the abridged version, upon finishing this the crowd roared and shouted for a stirring rendition of any Max Bygraves hits.
With this the Hamsters picked up the nearest interstellar communicator to call Al who had a copy, they inserted their two 20 cent pieces and called.
Hello, this is Al's Craporium, can I help you, the Hmasters suddenly realised that they could neither speak or understand English and proceeded to...............

17th Jan 2005, 01:46 PM
..run an old episode of the Simpsons...

"Can you tell me if a Mr sexual is in your shop?, first name Homer" Barts voice.
"Is there a Homersexual in the shop!" called Al to which a reply came....

17th Jan 2005, 10:44 PM
..well there's a Biting Midge with a Happy Hammer and a Hairy Monkey , will they do instead ??? :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

18th Jan 2005, 09:55 AM
"No, I'm looking for a Homer Sexual" replied Al.

Upon realising what he had just said Al.....

18th Jan 2005, 10:41 PM
blushed and thought of days gone by when he was himself a.........

18th Jan 2005, 10:50 PM
foil doiley maker who .....

18th Jan 2005, 11:08 PM
liked loiter around gay bars in his tu-tu and foily waiting for ...

19th Jan 2005, 07:08 AM
a gay blade with a rapier wit and the ability to foil his way into.........

19th Jan 2005, 08:26 AM
the past. Oh... the past... that lost lustre of youth where a foily was more than a hat but rather "special tobacco" to be had from the local craporium dealer for approx $15-20....

20th Jan 2005, 08:56 PM
for a joint and $50 for a full bong. However this method of mind relaxation did not retract from the fact that the rip in the fabric of the universe has still not been repaired. Why is it left the way it is so any creature can jump in and out ?? Maybe some real good rip roaring rip repaire glue ( not to be sniffed) can............

21st Jan 2005, 07:57 AM
be used as duck tape was tried but it only prevented ducks coming in and out.
A quick trip to Rolly Taskers to pick up some ripstop fabric proved fruitless as it was only suitable for.............

21st Jan 2005, 09:47 AM
...subduing diaorreah...

21st Jan 2005, 09:50 AM
but not on this BB...........

21st Jan 2005, 08:36 PM
because it continues to flow like....

23rd Jan 2005, 09:01 PM
... the hamsters incessant chatter. Murgatoyd come here quickly and look at this .......

23rd Jan 2005, 09:55 PM
Murgatroyd sidled across. He was one of the more suave and cosmopolitan of the hamsters - less inclined than the rest to be overly impressed.

However, one swift and searching glance at the rip in the fabric of the universe told him that here was something that required serious consideration.

"Montmorency!" he exclaimed. "Fetch me my Paslode nail gin and fire up the hide glue pot!"

With that ...

23rd Jan 2005, 11:48 PM
they began to repair the rip in the fabric of the universe. Little did they know that....

24th Jan 2005, 09:54 AM
..the rip was in fact the rectum of a terrestrial being of enormous size and upon feeling the repair work begin....

24th Jan 2005, 09:58 AM
the terrestial being thought he had bent over to pick up 20c in Oxford St..............

24th Jan 2005, 10:10 AM
.. whereas he was actually standing erect.
Just then one of the hamsters looked up and saw the T.B's huge appendage and called out to the other hamsters......,

24th Jan 2005, 10:50 AM
It's mine I saw it first, to which they replied.....

24th Jan 2005, 11:15 PM
"Nuts that size will get us through many many winters" Just then the giant being let one rip through the rip in the fabric etc. The hampsters looked and listned in awe and one said holding his nose " Lads, we have just witnessed the origin of the rip in the fabric of the underpants" Just then one of the hampsters lit his pipe and......

1st Feb 2005, 06:18 PM
... in the olden days we would fix that real easy by just....

4th Feb 2005, 01:31 PM
breaking into song. With that the lead hampster started singing Kumbya...


4th Feb 2005, 01:35 PM
while the others went through the pantomine of a bricklayer wearing a .......