View Full Version : THE CARVERS STORY

21st Oct 2000, 01:53 AM
Here is a simple but fun idea that could go on for years. It is along the same lines as Word Association but in this case you add to the story in as few or as many words as you wish. Don't get too carried away.

A couple of rules:
1/ Try and keep it out of the sewer.
2/ No really fowl language.
3/ HAVE FUN!! http://ubb.ubeaut.com.au/ubb/biggrin.gif

Please note: Only the administrators can add a new topic to this forum so don't bother trying.

Both HTML & UBB codes are on in this forum so if you can use HTML codes you can add a bit of life to your posting if you wish. Waning: Don't use a combination of both codes together they will stuff up your post!

Cheers - Neil http://ubb.ubeaut.com.au/ubb/smile.gif Have fun.

21st Oct 2000, 01:55 AM

It was a dark and stormy night and the woodcarver (a tall, muscular man with rugged good looks, flowing blond hair and piercing blue eyes (much like me)) was bent over his carving bench, hard at work on his latest piece. His Swiss made carving tools glistened in the night light as he boldly cut the timber, slowly yet methodically unwrapping the masterpiece that lay hidden within.

All of a sudden there was a loud and almost violent knocking at the workshop door!

John Saxton
21st Oct 2000, 02:26 AM
The woodcarver answered the door without trepidition knowing it was the city official who had come to inspect the progress of the coat of arms the woodcarver was creating for the townhall.

21st Oct 2000, 07:17 AM
But instead of just one official, the whole Council was there with a couple of other long haired, designer clothed Yuppies whom the Mayor introduced as designers.

The hair on the back of the BLUE EYED HANDSOME CARVERS (much like yourself) neck
stood on end.

He knew this was trouble.

Chris Longworth
21st Oct 2000, 07:56 AM
Instead of letting them in, he hit the light switch, turning on the outside light and stepped out side to see what they wanted first. He noticed that the Mayor wasn’t his usually bright and cherry self, but that he had an air of concern about him. The so called designers where standing to one side seaming to make their own little group with the occasional whisper being caught be his ear as he asked the Mayor “What brings you all the way out here on a night like this”.

[This message has been edited by Chris Longworth (edited 21 October 2000).]

21st Oct 2000, 09:47 AM
The mayor gave the handsome carver a long hard look and said "I see you have your tool in your hand. What are you doing with one as big as that?"

"What are you on about?" said the tall, ruggedly handsome carver, called Ninnie. "I'm working on the Coat of arms you lot ordered. Now what does bring you out on a night like this?"

The mayor looked at him again, this time with fear in his eyes. "Put down your tool and I shall be glad to tell you..... May we come in?"

Tristan Croll
21st Oct 2000, 12:06 PM
Ninnie thought about this for a bit, then stepped across, completely blocking the doorway. "I'll ask you one more time," he said, a steely glint in his blue eyes, "what exactly do you and these," he glanced contemptuously at the designers, " men want here?"

Shane Watson
21st Oct 2000, 12:57 PM
With that the so called designers pushed there way through the councilors to meet face on with Ninnie. Giving Ninnie a look he had never before encountered. With this he took a small step backwards and dropped his most prized and used tool out of his now sweeting hand. Ninnie knew from the look on there faces they were definitly not designers....

21st Oct 2000, 01:11 PM
It's a matter of the telecard you were given to assist you with the acquisition of materials.............

Tristan Croll
21st Oct 2000, 02:47 PM
"Yes, well," he replied nervously, "you wanted the best materials for your coat of arms, didn't you?"
"Yes, what of it?" came the reply.
"Well, I had to do some calling around!"
"But there's forty thousand dollars on this card!"
"Yeah, you know what African exchanges can be like. Besides, I had to do some haggling, and that takes a while."

(now let's see if we can bring it back to woodworking somehow)

21st Oct 2000, 03:16 PM
"Oh!" They said as one. "Well we guess that's OK. Can't see anything really wrong with that. Go on with your work. By the way. Lets have a little look will you." and with that the brushed Ninnie aside and entered the workshop, whereapon they were cronfronted with........

21st Oct 2000, 03:57 PM
A large quantity of stolen Shellawax which the Mayor just knew came from his brothers hardware store which had been broken into a few nights earlier.
Please explain, started the Mayor to Ninnie........

21st Oct 2000, 04:04 PM
Please don`t tell anyone or I`ll be "finished" pleaded Ninnie!
I am actually storing it for some oily bloke who said that he had bought it in a pub, for a song.

21st Oct 2000, 08:05 PM
With that the undercover police who were with the Mayor moved in and arrested Ninnie and took him away and he was remanded in custody pending further investigation, the apprentice, Luigi, was now in charge of the project.
'Help' he cried to Ninnies wife Maria, 'what am I going to do?'
Maria the voluptuous young dark haired temptress embraced Luigi and said........
(No sewer, no chooks (fowl) c'mon Tristan, bail us out)

[This message has been edited by Iain (edited 21 October 2000).]

Shane Watson
21st Oct 2000, 10:59 PM
'Its alright, I now where Ninnie keeps all his plans. All we have to do is get them and follow them measurement by measurement.' Maria gets the plans for the Coat of Arms and Straight away both Maria & Luigi gasp in desperation as they realise that all the measurements on the plan are imperial and not metric. So not being able to read the plans they look into each others eyes realizing there was only one person who could help them, someone who they both knew Ninnie wouldn't let near the plans, even on his death bed. But a decission had to be made.

John Saxton
21st Oct 2000, 11:55 PM
Finally and tearfully Maria says to Luigi,"We will have to ask Archie that limp wristed to and from brother of my beautiful carver who secretly cast his peepers over the plans whilst pretending to ingratiate our favours.He and only he the rat-fink Knows the true measurements but we must curry favour to extract those measurements and help the carver out of this dire predicament.

22nd Oct 2000, 10:56 AM
Meanwhile, across town in Archie the Ratfink's workshop, the final pieces of his work had been finished and he was just about to light his cigar, when Monica walked in......

22nd Oct 2000, 04:38 PM
But back to the custody centre where Ninnie had engaged the services of one of the best legal minds avilable, some research had been conducted and it had been concluded that the the Shellawax incident had all been a set up. Bail was arranged and Ninnie was released on his on recognisanance.
He returned home and found Luigi, Maria, Monica and Archie...
What is going on here, why have I beenset up like this?
Archie stepped forward and without batting an eyelid said..................

22nd Oct 2000, 05:11 PM
You are not worthy of such an appointment.
The Coat of arms job should have been given to me. You Ninnie, were always mummys favorite, but now,I have the ultimate revenge... I have the love of your wife and the respect of that ethnic person luigi (the unbelievable). AND, your wife says I'm better in bed than you are.

22nd Oct 2000, 06:43 PM
"He's lying Nin," sobbed Maria "he's lying. I never went to bed with him. NEVER! So how could he say he was better in bed. It's all a lie."

"Why would the little limp wristed prat say such a thing?" quizzed Ninnie. "WHY???"

"Because that's what she told me, you goose." blurted Archie.

"You liar Arch! YOU LIAR!!" screamed Maria. "I never said you were better in bed. NEVER!! ........ What I said was you were badder than bad. You idiot. BADDER THAN BAD!! Wash your damn ears fool. And as for love you have got to be joking. You jumped up pathetic axcuse of a man. I could never love limp wrister especially one who sleeps with a man called Monica."

"Just as I thought." said Ninnie "Caught out in another lie eh. You just can't help yourself can you. Ya know what really makes my blood boil is the fact that you called Luigi an ethnic and in lower case letters no less. You really are the scum of the earth. Yet I guess I should love you because you are my half brother."

"I remember" said Ninnie, remembering "when my real mum died. I was only 3 years old, and your mum, Mum, took me in and looked after me. I also remember why she liked me best. I was the one who didn't stab her in the chest with a carving knife, by accident. I was also the one who didn't put arsnic in her tea, rat poison in her marmalade, or drop the electric radiator into her bath. All accidently."

"Ah yes" Nin remembered again "those were the happiest 2 weeks of my life. Then she was tragicly taken from us when she accidently exploded whilst trying to get out of that booby trap you made."

"Well Archie. What do you have to say for yourself?"

(Didn't think I was ever gunna find a way outa that on.)

22nd Oct 2000, 07:02 PM
Geez Neil, you reckon some others are sick puppies.

Chris Longworth
22nd Oct 2000, 09:56 PM
The wood carver, having been in a very deep sleep, became startled when he felt the hand of his wife Mary on his back as she called to him, “Jack! Wake up, you’re dreaming! Why haven’t you come to bed yet? I have been worried about you.”
With that he sat upright on his stool from the bench that he had been asleep on and said “Mary, I have just had the craziest dream.”
“Don’t worry about it Jack” said Mary “It can wait until the morning, lets get you to bed, you have been working far to hard on this job and I’m not so sure that it’s worth it” and with that she took him to the house for a good night sleep, shutting the work shop behind her.

[This message has been edited by Chris Longworth (edited 22 October 2000).]

Roger Peine
23rd Oct 2000, 09:44 AM
What had really unsettled the Woodcarver was, the appearance of the designers in his dream. Limp wristed, long haired designer clothes or not.... these people know all about proportion. The woodcarver was a master at his profession but, he had never heard of "Fibonacci" or even the simpler arithmetic progression. Doubts seemed to hold the woodcarver in an iron like grasp...

23rd Oct 2000, 09:55 AM
......but she couldn't quite understand the smell of cigars!!!!!!!!

[This message has been edited by gazaly (edited 23 October 2000).]

John Saxton
12th Nov 2000, 08:13 PM
and..... thus..it was that time came to pass that the Mayor and the council reinstated Ninnie the Jack who was wrongly accused and set up by that limp-wristed to and from Archie who had stolen Ninnie the Jacks ideas to promote as his own by making fraudulent claims about a warehouse full of Shellawax polish that was due for sale at the WWW show.
Thereupon Archie was placed in the Iron Maiden to await the pleasures of that evil cigar chewin unercover Monica............

Roger Peine
16th Nov 2000, 10:18 AM
Archies voice could be heard filtering through the buildings air ducts....NOooooo,
NOooooo, please, please DON'T please DON'T.... stop Arrrgghh...DON'T Stop..

16th Nov 2000, 11:18 AM
Now, good people, had we been witness to what was taking place in that room we would have seen that all Archie was bleating about was the fact that Monica was blowing smoke into his face.

Being an ex smoker he had no option but to voice his protestations.

16th Nov 2000, 07:47 PM
"That is a dirty filthy habbit you have Monica." growled Archie "I wish you could find another use for that cigar, instead of blowing the smoke in my face........ Wait what are you doing. Oh Gord http://ubb.ubeaut.com.au/ubb/eek.gif" he screamed "No don't put it there, that's just not natural!!!"

With that monica leaned close to him and said ....................

Roger Peine
16th Nov 2000, 08:32 PM
....If i want to put it in the fish tank.....
I will

John Saxton
16th Nov 2000, 11:45 PM
But unknown to Monica, and not being the sharp witted cigar chewin lady of some renown as was previously thought she cast her evil eye over Archie who smiled in his pain and his anger because, seeing that
she had inadvertently placed her two fingers and her cigar into a fish tank where dwelled the dastardly Mayors pet Pirhana's who were having nothing to do with Monicas two finger salute and so consequenly relieved Monica of two fingers, in a feeding frenzy not seen before by the dastardly Mayor, who happened to gaze upon the scene whilst counting the proceeds from the Shellawax Promo,s he had allowed to be strung up across the city streets........

Roger Peine
17th Nov 2000, 08:57 AM
He promptly commissioned Alexander the orthotist (who had a penchant to wittling) with such exotics as, Ebony, Lignum Vitae and Deer antler. The brief outlined the need for the two lost digits "To articulate as close as possible to the real thing" colour not important. His first thought was to contact.......

John Saxton
25th Nov 2000, 02:37 PM
A well noted carver of some renown to fashion the missing digits as a model to replace Monicas now unsightly hand that once took the nation by the throat and shook it to its core.
"You beaut" she cried upon seeing the now elegant replacement fingers carved from the most elegant wood known to the carver and whose expertise was second to none in the land."You have fashioned my fingers like no other but coudn't you have kept them together instead apart,why its as if I'm giving everybody my own salute."she cried in exasperation.
The carver being the kindly soul that he was said,"My dear Monica I know how you like a cigar and I'm merely providing you with the means to enjoy this passion of yours."
"You have only to keep your hand in your pocket when you have no use of it."

18th Aug 2006, 04:14 PM
Suddenly, a great mass of noodly appendages appeared in the sky. My God, said Monica, is that the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

Greg Ward
18th Aug 2006, 04:41 PM
No..... it was Mrs. Mopp-it up in the sky, her bearded legs writhing in pain as her loosly knitted alpaca cardigan slowly unravelled.

"......What are you doing flying again?" she called, " I though you had been struck off."