Malice in Wonderland

[ubeaut]

Once upon a time in a far away land............

[JT]

There was an abundance of power tools..... as far as the eye could see. Whatever it was, whatever there could possibly be was there to see and use.

[Iain]

But the evil shop assistant, Neil, put absolutely outrageous prices in everything so they were out of the reach of most people and could only be afforded by the wealthy like neurosurgeons or wharfies.
'This must be stopped' cried the peasants, and no sooner had they said this there was a clatter of hoofs and there was the white knight on his steed. He lifted his face shield and everyone realised it was the galant ..............

[Tristan Croll]

Alice, whose name was a matter of constant confusion to those he met. The truth of the matter is, his parents had been so keen on having a girl to give them a change from his six older brothers, that they hadn't even considered any boys' names.
However, that's beside the point. The point is that Alice happened to be the seventh son of a man who was also a seventh son. Any self-respecting peasant knows that this is a highly portentous combination.
Grabbing the nearest peasant and lifting him to face height, he said in a deep, booming voice, "...

[ubeaut]

"GGG Gosh oh gee Fonz! Do you think something should be done about this naughty Neil of the high prices."

"Why yes I do Ali." said the Fonz "But foist I'm gunna rearrange your face for messing wit ma leather jacket. You nurk!!"

"GGG Golly gee Fonz," whimpered Alice "it's not my fault it was Tristan who wrote "Grabbing the nearest peasant." How was I to know the nearest peasant would be you?"

With this Alice relaxed his grip on the Fonzes leather jacket and let him fall to the ground with a thud, landing on a pile of white knight's steed poo.

"Thank you very much." Said Fonzie sarcasticly "Thank you very, very, much! All I need now is.................

[gazaly]

....that new Triton Router! If I can, I'll be the first person in all the land to have one. And that 'Proud Tritoneer', Barry, will be so envious he will........

[Iain]

be ORANGE with envy.
Meanwhile, the evil Neil has spotted the pile of horse S*** and is working on a scheme to dry it out and form it into logs which he can sell to unsuspecting turners as an exotic hardwood, but what will he call it, Horse Chestnut, no too common, how about...

[Jim Carroll]

"U Beaut Oak". Only found around the hills of Welshmans Reef.It is a fibourous tree that does not work very well and leaves a pungent aroma if worked too much , but kept in the log form and not tossed has great strength as an additive for mud brick enthusiasts.

[Zed]

Neil, being the cunning stunt that he was , quickly patented the horse byproduct as "Nuggetwood" so that any other enterprising poop compressor would have to pay hum handsomely for the use of.

Standing back and looking at the sea of power tools with the odd brick of nuggetwood indespersed within Neil saw it was good. Having another breainstorm he thought of another way to extracate further dollars from the needy woodworking peasants of Makita-ville by developing special scraper blades from the HSS of old hand saws (the bloody tight )... How to market this new product was now on his agenda... Alas the people of Makita-ville would soon be....

[Sir Stinkalot]

..... up in arms ..... they quickly had a meeting of peasants around at Waynes place ... upon which it was decided the only way to stop Neil was to mount their cyclone dust extractors and ....

[Zed]

Call The Fonz! of course! he would fix the greedy bastards little red wagon.
After all, with the Fonz's reputation (He was romoured to be able to reduce a slab of iron bark to sawdust using nothing but an old rusty hand plane!) said greedy bastard would soon be...

[Eastie]

…. "dealing with the wrath of consumer protection with many a complaint of the poor finishing characteristics of nuggetwood" and with that the peasants gathered around the cyclone did cheer.

Unyielding to the mongrel peasant muck throwers Neil schemed a plan so bold that he shuddered to tell anyone for fear that the peasants would get wind of his plan and do unspeakable things to his bwoootiful little red wagon. Neils devious plan flew in the face of a long held belief of many a noble person – “you can’t polish a !”.
“I will use my double boiler to create a mighty mixture of ancient polish and perfume recipes, a mix so good that all weekend woodworkers would be able to polish turds to a fine sensuous lustre without gagging” said the Alchemist as he bit his thumb in the general direction of his peasant opposers.

With that the Alchemist ........

[Barry_White]

......changed his tune and asked all the peasants nicely to pee into his double boiler for the first ingrediant in his new formula, and the next ingrediant he looked for was...........

[vcohen]

....EEE. But Alice had had enough and ordered an Environmental Impact Study be carried out. So the peasants called in that other knight in shining armour, the Senior Stinkologist, Sir Stinkalot. The result of his study was that .......

[ozwinner]

Ya can lead a horse to water but ya cant make it drink.
What a philophosfer, he will be admired through out the land, comeing up with such a saying so true.
He then took pen to paper, scratched his head and wrote.............

[vcohen]

...'My peasant friends, unless it rains, the weather will be dry.
The ship will never sink so long as it floats. I say to you my peasant friends, that two and two make four.'

When Sir Stinkalot re-read this drivel, he exclaimed

'Cripes, I not a philosopher, I'm a politician, and a darned good one at that. I think I'll'..........

[Sturdee]

appoint myself as prime minister. That will be so cool because everybody will think I am great when I lie and cheat everybody out of their money and make them work for ........


Peter

[ozwinner]

....the Tasmanian dept of CONSERVESTION!!!!!!!!!!!... ( I think thats an oxymoron )
OK first job, cut down all them there tree, I want to see this forest turned into a desert, then we can market the island as haveing more golden sand than Queensland,.........so with that the loppers got lopping, the fellers got felling, the chippers got chipping, and the Tasmanians got......................

[JaD]

Left off the map again, and so joined the wild bush tritoneers to take on Nifty Neil. They planned to......

[Ratmick]

..bevel his testicles, or forsaking those, any part of his wedding tackle they could reach with the Triton Router mounted securely and safely on the Trusty Triton Workbench, and finally find a nefarious use for all those add-on you-beaut Triton optional extras.

Then they planned to route Tassie off the mainland and devise a method (maybe with the aforementioned Triton island-cutting and towing attachment) to move it closer to the equator, thereby making all that golden sand worthy of sunbaking on, much like the Whitsundays, only hillier.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

[Dirty Den]

.....The Lone Tritoneer rode in on his trusty steed offering to all and sundry advice that could only be described as....

[Geoff Dean]

....really excellent advice, as he advocated that everyone should own at least three pieces of Triton equipment. However, the peasants over in Makita-ville...

[Bob Willson]

Were laughing themselves silly. How could a Tritoneer actually do anything of consequence? I mean .. have you ever seen the equipment that he has to work with? Even Alice was laughing his lance off.

Alice had not been entirely idle during the time that Tasmania was being moved closer to the equator. No indeedy when Neil turned up again he was in for the shock of his little polishing life! Alice gave a little snigger as he thought of the surprise he had arranged for the nemesis of gallant home handymen everywhere.

The peculiar arrangement that he had given to the threaded rod caused even him to blanch a little when he thought upon it too deeply, but no, he would not weaken his resolve now.

With this thought uppermost in his mind he took a flying leap for the saddle of his courageous warhorse. Of course, he fell flat on his face, as it is almost impossible to even move with all that metal plate wrapped around your body, never mind jump anywhere. And as is the case with courageous warhorses, Dobbin had been ‘doing his thing’ again. Alice cursed loudly saying ..

[Geoff Dean]

....that bloody Lone Tritoneer, I bet he had something to do with this.

(Secretly, Alice was jealous of the Lone Tritoneer. To uphold his public persona Alice would slag off and belittle the Lone Tritoneer and his wild bush tritoneers, but he could not help but marvel at how they were able to produce so much from so little.) (and orange is such a lovely colour, it sets of his complexion so nicely)

And then a thought struck Alice,"What if I were to forsake all that I have and join this magnificent band, then my life would be complete."

And so Alice.....

[silentC]

... put aside his reservations for the present and raced off to join the nearest Triton club.

It did occur to him to wonder why a Lone Tritoneer would have a band, surely that would make the Lone part of his name redundant? Perhaps the Lone Tritoneer was confusing himself in a mixed up metaphor of Robin Hood and the Lone Ranger?

Nevertheless, Alice soon found himself happily making childrens' toys out of bits of 4x2. He even bought a tin of orange paint so he could paint his ...

[Geoff Dean]

...other implements, especially anything that came from Makita-ville, orange.

But all was not well, the Lone Tritoneer did not think much of Alice trying to muscle in on the wild bush tritoneers. A rift appearred in the ranks, and the wild bushies wanted to know who elected the Lone Tritoneer as leader.

Alice was quietly working in the background stirring up trouble.

"Lets elect Alice as our leader" went up the cry from the wild bush tritoneers.

And so it came to pass that on the first day of the fourth month.....

[Dirty Den]

an election was called. Alice who was backed by that rogue Sir Costalot de Walt started accusing the Lone Tritoneer of being inept and the S.O.F.T. (Society of Furnituremaking Tritoneers) hit back by saying that...

[JaD]

they had gathered photos and other evidence of Sir Costalot, on his own toolmaking island, putting fading potion on all the tools he was claiming to be the best. The potion was changing orange tools to yellow. What dastardly-doo was he up to????

The lone Tritoneer, now plus some, obviously had the wood on Sir Costalot. And Alice was so impressed with the ability of T.T.T.(The Triton Ten) to bedazzle Sir Costalot,the election was called off and he was quite happy to accept his triton cap and jacket and T-shirt (triton shirt) and travel the many new hardware stores doing demos of his wonderful new toys, whilst the Society Of Furnituremaking Tritoneers Couldn't Overcome Callous Knickname Syndrome and used the tow cutting tool to do the island attachment to Norfolk as there was.............. :confused:

[Bob Willson]

very little interest in Norfolk Island apart from the tall trees that grew there.

Alice awoke with a start. He had just had the most awful nightmare, wherein he dreamed that he had actually, (and this will make you laugh,) been under the impression that Triton made tools. Hahahahahah.

Alice stood up and stroked his Jet extension piece before tucking it back into his trousers. He felt 'saw' and absolutely 'routed' after a nightmare like that but his touching his own familiar equipment quickly brought him to ..

[Geoff Dean]

.... a climactic decision. He would hence forth wander across to Makitaville and.....

[Ian007]

one of everything in that wonderful shade of blue,

but alas the new owner of the tool store , would only give a decent discount for the tools if payment was with the folding stuff and he did not want to accept the evil plastic from Alice.

Alice was stuck, to take the good gear with no discount beacause he didnt have the cash on him ( and only lived on credit anyway) or go that cheap new blue tool range GMC, he was stuck , what to do?
so he

[ozwinner]

So he took the GMC stuff because he knew he would be back in 2 weeks time to exchange it for some real tools.

He wanted to come back because he had the hots for Robbos offsider Dizzy Doris.
Doris just kept on going around and around in circles, and this drove Alice wild with desire.
Whhoa Doris you get me going, I just dont know what Im doing, I only bought the GMC 'cause I knew Id be back to see you again, so how 'bout you and me..............................................


Al

[fxst]

going round to that mad import ozwinner and play around with his.................

[Bob Willson]

woody thing.

Little did Alice know, bit Dizzy Doris was just as stuck on ozwinner as Alice was stuck on Dizzy Doris. "We have a problem folks," announced , who had somehow sneaked up without anybody noticing him. "We have two men with wooden thing but Dizzy Doris has only got ..

[Ian007]

half a brain", ( saved you an edit there :D )

what you fellers should do is forget about Dizzy Doris and get your mind back on the job. Not that job the one involving tools and woody stuff, although Alice and Ozwinner were very sad at there lost chance, they didnt hit it off as mates possibly because ozwinner thought that with a name like Alice he must be a ....

[RETIRED]

Ta Ian:D