The 23 days of christmas

[Neil]

'Twas 3 weeks (and a couple of days) before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stiring
Not even a mouse.

Well, what were you expecting, a raging party or something. It's 11:50pm on a Monday night and everyone is fast asleep. Mum is quietly snooring and dreaming of having a big spend up at Myers, whilst dad lays awake thinking about .........

[Kev Y.]

.. How he can get the cute little blonde next door to fill HIS christmas stocking with.....

[Hoffy]

... fun and laughter...

[John Saxton]

...and tool that he'd always wanted to get his hand on notwithstanding....

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Johnno

[fxst]

and heaps of triton gear to.........

[ubeaut]

Suddenly dad sprung to his feet reeling in fright from a horrible nightmare. He had been visited by the Bah Humbug monster. A nasty, evil, balding, yet strangely attractive goblin, who looked like he could have been used as a doorstop.

It was then that he realised that he had actually slept through the first couple of day of Christmas. There were now only 18 days left and he still had to.....

[oges]

.. organise the kegs and beer nuts, buy the missus a present otherwise there will be hell to pay like happened the previous year, and also to find that elusive present for the mother-in-law. He was thinking of a...

[fxst]

rather large canabalistic Grinchthat could...........

[Dennis Hill]

That could get together with the Bah Humbug Monster and make.......

[John Saxton]

Get quietly innebriated whilst down on the beach with a fishing rod where all manner of......

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Johnno

[Johnno]

fings could get hooked, and a few thongs could get thinged....

[ubeaut]

Just then dad realized that there were now only 18 more sleeps till Christmas day. All of a sudden he had an amazing feeling of deja vu. Hang on, he thought to himself. Wasn't it only 18 days to Christmas a couple of days age?

Bugger me. I must be having an attack of.....

[fxst]

case of craft disease coming on and I need to.............

[Stuart]

swill some more of that shellawax, (for a kick), and that unusual.........

[Iain]

silicone to enhance the surface of the timber, now with only 14 sleeps to go SWMBO is probably going to forget my birthday on Saturday (wasn't that subtle?).....

[ubeaut]

With that dad used up another of his sleeps, then sat up in bed and said.......

[fxst]

a nightcart in oxford street after a bad dose of............

[JackoH]

Coonawarra Red & Robe Lobsters!(with garlic and onions.) Crikey! she replied what about you you old......

[fxst]

....gentleman in a red suit you have 12 days before you have to work again for...........

[Stuart]

Coca-cola, that jolly company that.....

[ubeaut]

sponsors Christmas, Easter and anything else that Pepsi hasn't got the rights to.

Listen here woman, there are NOW only 10 left till my work starts so why don't you .....

[Corunetes]

Polish your toenails and cook up a batch of.....

[Kev Y.]

..neck muscles.. having slaved over my wonderful DVR lathe all weekend just to provide all those freeloading relatives of yours with wooden christmas pressents has just about done me in.. lucky for me some guy call "U" from Geelong makes a....

[ubeaut]

really good Jack and Coke otherwise I'd......

[JackoH]

....have to drink light beer! Yuck. All that does is make me....

[This message has been edited by John Hambly (edited 15 December 2002).]

[Kev Y.]

have nightmares and bad gas attachs, and my pharting the australian nation anthum during christmas dinner is as welcome as......

[fxst]

....a nipple on a bull so get thee to the stoppers place and keep him busy while I.....

[Corunetes]

pluck the turkey and stuff the parson's nose with.......

[John Saxton]

a Good Bushmills sauce ...a heavenly sent nectar to gladden the heart of any man worthy of a respite this Christmas day whilst reposing with gluttonous intent and awaiting the screams....

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Johnno

[JackoH]

.. of the frustrated children/grandchildren when they discover that all those nasty, noisy Nintendo and like machines come without batteries! Little do they know that they have been removed by a wicked father/grandfather and stuck....

[Stuart]

up Rudolph's.......

[ubeaut]

nose, so he can light the way.

Bugger, thought the red suited gent, there's only 7 days left till the work begins and I still haven't checked the list to see who's naughty or nice.

Now let me see.

Neil - Nice.
Pauline - Very nice.
- Naughty, but nice.
Shane Watson - Nice (hang on he's always nice. Think I'll put him down as naughty for a bit of a laugh) Mwhahahaha
John Saxton - Hmmm, been a bit naughty with the plastic, but I'll slide him into nice.

HEY!!! A bit of help would be good!

Doorstop - ............

[Kev Y.]

Way too naughty for his own good...I wonder if i should leave him some orange colored power tools and accessories and see if...

[John Saxton]

His demeanor and goodwill to all Orange folk would change but thinks I he'll most likely end up usin' it for a boat anchor whilst pursuin' his favorite pastime in the great oz biteall the while thinkin'....

[ozbeast]

...... of new and devious means to further harrass the wee orange folk hiding in the ...........

[fxst]

long grass at the orangemeans arms hotel waiting for.......

[ubeaut]

a chance to see if they are o the naughty or nice list.

In the mean time with just 6 days to go, the red suited gent decided it was now time to....

[ozbeast]

decided it was time to try out the bright red suit. Flubbleduck he exclaims a woodworm has eaten the cruth out of.........

[ozbeast]

and realises his key board cant spell

[Iain]

Yes, has eaten the crutch out of Santa's wooden prosthetic.
Mrs Claus is horrified and looks for one of the new plastic models and reaches up Rudolfs nostril to retrieve the battery so she can..........

[ozbeast]

........affected by a rare treatable malady known as tritonitis. The only known cure is ........

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One day I might grow up

[Kev Y.]

.. the red suited one decided that due to the conflicting arguments he was having with himself, he best harness up the raindeer, apply a coat of "traditional wax" tot he out side of the sled and head off to the wilds of Penola and scoff some RED with Doorstop (the wicked elf) and remoniss about his long lost love the BBBL.

SO away he and and ......

[fxst]

and rudolph went in search of doorstops shed but alas they found him in a ........workshop.......elving away with.......................

[ozbeast]

andy and and and brudda the stuttering elf. Meanwhile the man in the red suite had imbided a little too much, in a word he was....

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One day I might grow up

[John Saxton]

...mindful of the fact that there was only 2 days left 'til christmas..."my goodness he exclaimed!" coffee ..I need coffee to render me sane to provide all these woodies with their wishes hmm hmm? now orange liquer for the Tritoneers, a good red for that bloke in Penola, a bottle of Jacks for 'U', a classic yarra for that Hambley gent,a dom perignon for that Iain chap ah bugger it,its gettin' too expensive me thinks, an Earl Grey teabag and a mug for the workplace will do them an I'LL pocket the rest and 'ave a good holiday after my rounds which is Known as the claus effect....but where to go this year...

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Johnno

[ubeaut]

With that the jolly old fella went fast asleep for he only had a few hours to get some well earned shuteye before he was off on his merry way to visit all the woodys of the world. The naughty and nice list was done and all the goodies were neatly packed in the trunk of the sleigh. He would sleep in peace for a few hours and then be off to...........

[Iain]

BUNNIES to pick up cheap and nasty tools made in Taiwan for those on the nasty list, then after this he would go to....

[Kev Y.]

.. via "U"'s workshop, also known as "santa extention" and pick up some good goo to off set the cheep stuff from bunnies, just to pacify the...

[John Saxton]

....those who have'nt ventured into the unknown(poor fools that they are)with acquiring the known attributes of a finishing product that Santa's elve's passed on to a bloke lost for all the world looking for a opportunity to make millions ...whereupon it came to pass his wish from a ghost of many a christmas past was not to be ..but the elves in their alcoholic stupor were gracious in passing on one of Santa's wood finishing secrets and he immediately moved to more accommodating premises to produce a brew to gladden the heart of many a woodie ...."ahh haa"exclaimed Santa I have at last found a mortal to meet my standards but withn Christmas day being tomorrow would he be able to give Woodies the world over.....

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Johnno

[fxst]

and he did........
The End
or is it??