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Dazza007
30th Apr 2003, 11:25 PM
........ realised that more than a mouthful is realy a waste so .......

Neil
1st May 2003, 12:19 AM
he spat on the road, cursed the healer, got back in the cab of his Mack and.......

Dazza007
1st May 2003, 12:26 AM
......... hit the air starter. The engine of his Thermodyne (Mack Truck) roared into life whereupon he jamed the monster into gear and she (the truck) moved on rubber feet. But alass he a bloody mess of it and ...............

Dennis Hill
1st May 2003, 07:04 AM
... the trailer slid into the table-drain.......
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A Mack Thermodyne! Now theres a truck!

macca2
1st May 2003, 11:50 AM
narrowly missing the two lovely young maidens who had being resting there after.................

Dennis Hill
1st May 2003, 01:24 PM
...wetting themselves with laughter from watching the truck driver as he......

Dazza007
1st May 2003, 11:50 PM
....... spat, yelled, gear jammed and quarrelled with the blue healer. This was, to the pair of bodacious babes, at the least a timely distraction from the self-indulgence and gratification of.
............

Dennis Hill
2nd May 2003, 07:10 AM
........the clean-up operation needed after all the frivolity caused by watching an overloaded Big Mack as it had skidded down the road. What they really needed now was........

macca2
2nd May 2003, 12:07 PM
something a little more gentle and satisfying than big hairy truckies who can,t drive, running down ugly dogs,that roam all over the highway causing absolute mayhem, so they set off down the road to find..............

Dennis Hill
2nd May 2003, 05:57 PM
...a quiet Cafe where they could get a decent Coffe and something quite delectable to.........

fxst
2nd May 2003, 07:31 PM
...........suck on and keep there interest in the original idea which involved lots of writhing and moaning with .................

Johnno
2nd May 2003, 10:57 PM
maybe some horny woodturners with their nice long and sharp gouges (I nearly said tools!)...

Neil
3rd May 2003, 12:44 AM
but no. It was not to be, for just then......

JackoH
3rd May 2003, 04:00 PM
...from out of the dark and dank woods alongside the road a strange little, wizened figure emerged. Blinking shortsightedly in the glare from the big Macs' headlights.it spoke. " I am the phantom wood carver and I am here to........"

Dennis Hill
3rd May 2003, 04:56 PM
.....escort you to a place where you can .......

Dazza007
3rd May 2003, 10:38 PM
......... be skillfully carved by me", said the Phantom Carver. "For I not only have the skills and expertise to carve both of you buxom lassies in just one sitting, but I can also do it .........."

Johnno
3rd May 2003, 10:50 PM
with minimum chipout and maximum titillation...

Dennis Hill
4th May 2003, 08:07 AM
....in my sumptuosly apointed, air-conditioned, outdoor carving studio complete with king-size.........

Neil
4th May 2003, 10:37 AM
carving tools, for the big bits and ..............

Dennis Hill
4th May 2003, 12:24 PM
...fully automated, heated, vibrating, candle-lit.........

JackoH
4th May 2003, 05:15 PM
...Jacuzzi. (Don't these carvers have fun!) I'll then be able to......

macca2
4th May 2003, 08:42 PM
ensure you get a real buzz as I plug in my Dremil while still in the Jasuzzi. This should..............

Dennis Hill
5th May 2003, 06:53 AM
...carve all night, or until I run out of.............

knuckles
6th May 2003, 06:35 PM
wood and then........

Dazza007
6th May 2003, 09:34 PM
........ I can anointe you both with "U-beaut EEE" buffing my fresh carving of all four.......... I mean two of your fine forms with a soft cloth. After this I can present both of you .......

ubeaut
7th May 2003, 02:24 AM
real mens stuff like brilcream, Y fronts, FJ Holdens and.....

Dennis Hill
7th May 2003, 09:59 AM
....As this is suposed to be a woodworking thingo, the latest in wood butchering saws and stuff.....

Dazza007
7th May 2003, 11:19 PM
...... which brings us to a much asked question. Should I use "U-Beaut" Shellawax after using EEE or is Carnauba Wax far better?

Dazza007
7th May 2003, 11:55 PM
......... collect all 52 pieces of the now destroyed project. Needless to say ..........

Dennis Hill
8th May 2003, 06:58 AM
......it will make an excelent fire to cook the left-over bits from the polishing expurt, especially if they are added to a broth of lizzerd's gizzerds and........

knuckles
8th May 2003, 08:35 AM
and a large helping of common sense.Youz guys have really lost the plot haven't yez.http://www.ubeaut.biz/suicide.gif

At this point the 2 maidens said we're out of this story cos yous guys are a bunch of crazys and most of yous have only got one thing on your mind and it isn't woodwork. We think yez should all......

JackoH
8th May 2003, 09:37 AM
.....lock yourselves in your sheds and play with your tools 'til bedtime. Then if you're very good, maybe, we will....

Dazza007
8th May 2003, 09:51 AM
...... let you turn a nice piece of Mulga burl to make a unique platter or even a vase.

Dennis Hill
8th May 2003, 08:49 PM
....going to be a real feat of endurance but nowhere near as bad as it was for her having to look after us childeren when we......

Dazza007
8th May 2003, 10:16 PM
..... were just little splinters. Oh, the times we had causing havoc and kaos with our pet blue heeler dog gettin' in front of flamin' big Thermodyne Mack trucks and sniffin' the back ends of ........

fxst
9th May 2003, 01:37 AM
easy coz otherwise she will belt the bejeezus outa me for being so......

Dazza007
9th May 2003, 12:44 PM
..... FXST.......I think you are out of character here. What to try again?

JackoH
9th May 2003, 06:51 PM
What is going on here. Are you lot on a different forum, or is it me ?( No rude answers please)

>
>
Anyway, back to the plot.
>
Our two heroines, after many very scary adventures have now decided to give up the idea of finding a sane woody, and have gone off to.....

Dennis Hill
9th May 2003, 08:11 PM
.......go skinny-dipping at Bondi beach and see if they can attract any...........

Dazza007
9th May 2003, 10:07 PM
..... white pointers. Of course our babes of the Woodies are from the "smart state" and apply a liberal coat of +33 ...........

macca2
10th May 2003, 11:37 AM
which has absolutely no effect on white pointers. "smart state" indeed. The poor girls should hitch a ride a big Kenny ( no Macks) and head west so they can ..............

Dennis Hill
10th May 2003, 04:55 PM
....check out the biters in the Great Aussie Bight and then have a roll in the.......

Dazza007
10th May 2003, 09:47 PM
.... saw dust and shavings. (I'm trying to bring it back to woodwork stuff here ) It's much better than hay or staw as the little storks of straw don't get stuck up their ........

Dennis Hill
11th May 2003, 08:39 AM
....delicate bits, where as sawdust gets into evrything, thereby requiring a relaxing bath and a good.......

knuckles
11th May 2003, 11:47 AM
story line, where the 2 ladies is treated wif the respect that the woodworkers of this world are famous for, not the gutter insinuations thet some of youz weekend worriers are trying to push. http://www.ubeaut.biz/fireface.gif

The ladies at this point left the story for good, vowing never to return to it cos they was sick of been demeaned. http://www.ubeaut.biz/waving.gif It was then that the story took on a new and exciting turn back into the realm of woodwork.

Knuckles the enforser, poet lorriet and lowsy spellar entered upon the scene brandishing one of his beautifully turned and polished, face rearrangers, http://www.ubeaut.biz/smilebash.gif and promptly.....

macca2
11th May 2003, 03:06 PM
had it snatched from his hand by one of the beautiful young ladies who, apon forcing the polished face rearranger into a place it was not intended to go, insisted that they remain in the story as it was indeed theirs and they wanted to................

Dennis Hill
11th May 2003, 05:49 PM
.........to see Knuckles and Macca belt each other with the finely turned lump of whatever. Meanwhile, back at the demented woodworkers home, those of us suffering from oldtimers syndrome were thinking of what might have been if we had just....

Dazza007
11th May 2003, 05:59 PM
... sniff some more mixture of Organ Oil and thinners. But alass, this was not to be for time waits for no wood-chuck, as nobody realy knows how much wood a wood-chuck can chuck, even if a wood-chuck could chuck wood. That's why we woodies are easy enough people, going with the flow and lementing about the one who must be obeyed. Thus our attention is often turned to the two bodacious babes that were bathed, carved and the pronmptly ......

trevorZ
11th May 2003, 09:16 PM
..cuttings to grow into a whole new crop of little woodies and

Dazza007
11th May 2003, 09:44 PM
... with the depth of wisdom like American Walnut, yet the hardness of virtues like Western Australian Jarra with just a hint of sweetnes like Rose Mahogany, will step forth into this world to nurture a whole new race of........

ubeaut
12th May 2003, 01:19 AM
Woodchucks who will.......

----------------------------------------------------------------------

PS It is common knowledge that Woodchucks can't chuck wood, so the answer to the previous question as to how much wood would they chuck, is:

A Woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a Woodchuck would if a Woodchuck could chuck wood, but a Woodchuck can't chuck wood so a Woodchuck wouldn't chuck as much wood as a Woodchuck would chuck if a Woodchuck could chuck wood.:D And that's a fact!;)

JackoH
12th May 2003, 06:15 PM
...chuck wood until.....

Dazza007
12th May 2003, 08:40 PM
... wood on his wood chuck, because everyone knows that a Woodchuck ......

Johnno
12th May 2003, 09:12 PM
wood chuck wood if he could...



Johnno 2

macca2
12th May 2003, 09:55 PM
stop the woodchucks acting like woodducks and get on with...........

Dazza007
12th May 2003, 11:40 PM
.... Carba-Tec, as the most expensive and over rated wood chuck vendor. So our fellow wood chucking Woodchucks went to .....

( stiff bickies Macca! )

macca2
13th May 2003, 11:51 AM
the kitchen where mother duck made them a nice cup of tea with a couple of stiff bikies to calm their shattered woodchuck nerves before they.................

JackoH
14th May 2003, 10:14 AM
...order some of that stuff to make all that wood that the woodchucks chucked, all shiny and slippery so that it would slip easil and quickly into ....
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(What the hell am I talking about. :confused: )

Dazza007
14th May 2003, 12:31 PM
... the orifaces. Thereby making a solid tenion joint for the table they were making of fine Australian Cedar with a centre feature carving of a ........

macca2
14th May 2003, 01:17 PM
woodworker, tired, confused, bleary eyed and defiantly brandishing his....................

Dennis Hill
14th May 2003, 08:04 PM
.....Woodchuck killing ironbark chuck-donger with the spiked end and serrated.........

Dazza007
15th May 2003, 03:12 PM
.... teeth. Whereby, he promptly swung his now infamous tool in all directions killing off any remaining character to this story. Realising what had happened, our feindish blood thirsty assailant then connected himself to the 240 volt power supply of the lathe and 'terminated' himself. Thus boys and girls, This brings us to the END of our delightful short story.

-------------------------THE (bloody) END-------------------------------------

(NOW START A NEW STORY FOR HEAVENS SAKE!)

macca2
15th May 2003, 03:29 PM
As the 240 volts surged thru his body like a raging torrent his whole life appeared before his eyes. All the things he had wrong, all the things he had done right. And then thru the mist there appeared before him a vision. A vision of......................

Dazza007
15th May 2003, 03:33 PM
....... death as an angle of the woodies world appeared. That's why the story ended here, because there ain't no more dribble to tell.

----------------------------THE END (AGAIN)------------------------------

DaveInOz
15th May 2003, 04:22 PM
one particularly poignant flashback recalled him as a child of 5 sitting on the bench in his dads shed listening and learning as his dad gave a comentary of advice, while he deftly manufactured a ..........

Dennis Hill
15th May 2003, 05:45 PM
...a wonderous candle-stick holder with provision for 6 candles aranged in a...........

fxst
16th May 2003, 01:57 AM
circular fashion about the bench and a priest to use on ..........

JackoH
16th May 2003, 10:35 AM
...sundays to.....

Dazza007
16th May 2003, 12:31 PM
... drown liitle babies in stagnent water and force bits a make believe bread and watered down plonk down the throats of unsuspecting church going public. Yuk, fancy being told your eating a dead persons body and blood! That gives me the creeps!

Dennis Hill
16th May 2003, 02:31 PM
At least canibals eat people that are recently deceased, not left on the shelf for 2000 or so years.

DaveInOz
16th May 2003, 02:38 PM
thinking of that other famous carpenter (not Karen) jolted our hero to recolections of his time as an apprentice working for ....

Dazza007
16th May 2003, 09:50 PM
.... G.O.D (Girls On Dykes inc) building an ark. It was to a grant ark too, measuring 20 cubits by 40 cubits, with three decks a gaming loundge and three swimming pools! Trouble was, nobody knew what a "cubit" was as this is the year 2003 and a cubit was a measurement of ancient biblical times. So .........

JackoH
17th May 2003, 02:50 PM
...Noah in his wisdom consulted that fount of all knowledge on things made of wood; the prophet St Neil, (or U to give him his biblical title)
"Behold said U, I have been up the mount and brought forth "The Polishers Bible" If you consult page 170 all your questions will be answered, for page 170 contains all the important measurements known to man"
And the apprentice Noah was verily pleased and forthwith, forsooth, did.......

Geoff Egan
17th May 2003, 07:16 PM
As apprentices do, crafted himself a highly polished rule divided into cubits, centicubits and milicubits with which to

Dennis Hill
17th May 2003, 07:35 PM
measure the foundations for the said "floating gin palace". Sadly for the young aprentice, the plans were read down-side-up, so the magnificent boat became the world's first multi-story entertainment centre with a curved, boat-shaped roof, in which were held ........

Dazza007
17th May 2003, 10:11 PM
.... a variety of high-rollers brough forth into the Ark two-by-two of which included his ......

macca2
18th May 2003, 11:27 AM
very well known two lovely young ladies from previous days disguised as beautiful birds trying to get back into the story only to be confronted by their old adversary Dazza who promptly....................

Dennis Hill
18th May 2003, 01:42 PM
....declared them to be ilegal imigrants and consigned them to a holding cage at the new facility at Womera where they would be........

Dazza007
18th May 2003, 07:39 PM
... incarcerated for the remainder of this story, never to heard from again. Meanwhile back on the new improved inverted "floating Gin Palace", the stakes were high as a new member of the 'High-Rollers' club layed .........

Dennis Hill
18th May 2003, 07:45 PM
...siege to the gaming tables where they cast lots for the honour of being the first to..........
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(Thank heavens those dashed blondes have gone for a while!)

Geoff Egan
18th May 2003, 08:03 PM
unincarcerate the young ladies from their place of incarceration and the one to win the honour was....

macca2
18th May 2003, 10:16 PM
Roger the lodger who had his sights well and truly set on................

Dazza007
19th May 2003, 12:32 PM
... sending the two lassies to Hong Kong and dye a from a Herion overdose while being pounded on a Hong Kong materess all night long. But I digress, for more recently our "Floating Gin Palace" had sprung a leak. This wasn't hard seeing as the whole boat was built upside down! So once again, Captain Smith (former Captain of the Titanic) was awe struck that he is again ....

Dennis Hill
19th May 2003, 09:04 PM
...the master of a vessel that is to disapear, almost without trace, into the pages of history books, only to surface again on a buliten board where the readers are obsessed with wood, splinters and......
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(I can see them, they are just around the corner!!!!)

macca2
19th May 2003, 09:52 PM
bull (sorry) saw dust, generated by a unknow number of noise producing machines that these afor mentioned woodies idolise, and would.............

JackoH
20th May 2003, 11:09 AM
....cause them to completely ignore the charms of the aforementioned, aforementioned young ladies, who were trying to take the minds of the aforementioned woodies off their tools, in order that they might......
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.Confused?:confused:

Dennis Hill
20th May 2003, 02:48 PM
...lure them into their den of iniquity, thereby enabling them to.....
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Hang about, didn't we kill off this pair of females a couple of days ago in Hong Kong??????

macca2
20th May 2003, 04:22 PM
rise from the grave (there you go Mr Hill) so that they might once more............

Geoff Egan
20th May 2003, 08:10 PM
go in search of the chivalrous woody and poet lorrakeet sir knucklehead so that they can...

fxst
21st May 2003, 10:18 PM
down a few glasses of coona while applauding the exciting ..........

JackoH
22nd May 2003, 10:32 AM
...and confusing antics of Stoppers, who is desperately trying to get his new(?) boat to float upside down, having been told by the vendor that he always did it that way, but........

Dennis Hill
24th May 2003, 09:10 AM
....as he was having little luck with the process, he went to consult an expert in the form of Admiral Nelson who was to be found in............

Geoff Egan
24th May 2003, 08:34 PM
a rum sodden state trying to slip into Lady Emma Hamiltons..

Dennis Hill
25th May 2003, 07:58 PM
....Chicken coup. Not only was our Admiral blind in one eye but the other eye was blind drunk and as his sense of smell was also a little worse for wear he mistook the chicken coup for the good Lady's........

DaveInOz
26th May 2003, 05:27 PM
an lead the way into a bright future, in every yard a boat, and in every shed a panel saw.
This being his platform for election he was soundly routed and returned to life on the wooden boats, sextant in one hand and hand plane in the other.
Meanwhile Doorstop had figured how to right his sculpure in wood, titled mans inhumanity to boats, and was trying desperatly to .....

DaveInOz
27th May 2003, 09:54 AM
doorstop had always been one to split hairs (until he found it was a finite resource). Spelling had always made him pull his hair out, no of course he was reduced to tugging ineffectually at the curly ones that sprang from his ears.
Bearing this in mind he strode the deck of his well spelt but dodgily constructed boat singing ....

Dazza007
27th May 2003, 12:34 PM
..... "My bonney lies over the ocean, my bonney lies over the sea, my daddy lay over my mummy and that's how I came to be. Oh bring back, bring back, oh bring back my mummy to me, to me ...... repeatedly until ......

JackoH
30th May 2003, 06:30 PM
..went off to the equator to build bridges under which he could sail his little boat. Because everyone knows the schoolboy howler
'The equator is a menagerie lion that runs round the earth'.
Having discovered that the market for girders or lions was very limited our hero went back into the depths of the south east of South Oz (where his roots lay) in an attempt to find the two,or was it three, buxom wenches who started this saga so that.....

Johnno
30th May 2003, 06:39 PM
.. he could finally root out the source of this damned itch that had been troubling him since he....

Johnno 2

Dennis Hill
30th May 2003, 08:11 PM
..got too close to a furry little thing and ended up with a plague of fleas that.........