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macca2
30th May 2003, 09:52 PM
caused our heroic woodie to be shaved,sanded and polished before he was finally routered and sent off to.............

JackoH
31st May 2003, 12:41 PM
.. a specialist in these sort of things who said the problem was not caused by fleas but by very small members of the crustacean family, not unlike those which crawl around the ocean floor, sideways.(With any luck won't know what I'm talking about!) So without further ado our hero....

:D VERY Clever John and well put, .
PS I ain't dumb I think;)

Dennis Hill
31st May 2003, 05:30 PM
...applied copious quantities of "Organoil" and proceeded to dehydrate himself by lying in the sun. Due to the drying effect being only on one side, our hero became somewhat warped and wilted, necesetating a return to.........

Geoff Egan
31st May 2003, 08:49 PM
to the bell tower where he spent his time..

Dennis Hill
1st Jun 2003, 07:52 AM
.....where he spent his time singing that mindless song "Ring, ring, ring maaah belll" and pulling on........
.
.
.
.
.(rember, gentle readers, that cleanliness is next to Godliness!)

macca2
1st Jun 2003, 12:05 PM
an old and tatty overcoat along with his mud encrusted wellington boots so he could venture out into the dark and stormy night where he could once again.........

Dennis Hill
2nd Jun 2003, 06:39 AM
...haunt the lanes and by-ways, the forests and cemetaries, looking for the materials that would eventually become.......

Dazza007
3rd Jun 2003, 10:06 AM
..... GREAT CAESARS GHOST! The materials became a re-birthed, true to life carving of the very same two buxom lassies who were not only anotomically correct but.....

Dennis Hill
3rd Jun 2003, 07:47 PM
...being found to be under-powered and over-rated, but still posessing some strange attraction to males of the species who seem intent on wearing strange tweed caps and polishing their....

Dazza007
3rd Jun 2003, 10:22 PM
..... fully automated, all chrome, tripple shift, ball bearing assisted, hydrostatic, eluminated dip stik knobs with turbo charged blow-off valves. Where after they ........

Dennis Hill
5th Jun 2003, 07:36 AM
.....Motored off into the sunrise, having spent the previous night recovering from their knob polishing. Their journey was to take them to the never-never land of collective forgetfulness, thereby letting the somewhat distracted woodworkers get back to their original task of turning large lumps of dead trees into...........

JohnM
5th Jun 2003, 09:40 AM
even more copies of said nubile ladies..........

macca2
5th Jun 2003, 12:11 PM
who by this time were half way across the Nullabor heading for a place of great beauty, sunny days, Westcoast Eagles and other delights were they could....................

Neo
5th Jun 2003, 05:12 PM
fulfill all of their desperately wanton needs and look admiringly at all of the wild flowers, lovely timber, rocks and thousands of kilometres of sand as they wound their way up to the Northern Territory, the real Never-Never land, where they knew.............

Johnno
5th Jun 2003, 06:32 PM
...they may never never get there, but they could drive as fast as their bucket of assorted bolts could take them (did anyone ever count the number of differerent nut & bolt standards used in pommy cars of that vintage?), provided that nothing other than clothing fell 0ff...

cheeseball burgertush

Dennis Hill
6th Jun 2003, 09:36 PM
....freshly polished.....

Dennis Hill
7th Jun 2003, 07:51 AM
....Finely turned and carved from the most exotic materials......

JackoH
7th Jun 2003, 03:19 PM
....known to man,(or boy for that matter, ) and .....

fxst
9th Jun 2003, 08:55 PM
and lovingly oiled and rubbed to a deep lustre using no less than.........................

Dennis Hill
9th Jun 2003, 09:02 PM
....the finest silks and satins, followed by the well tanned and exqusitely soft hide of...

JackoH
10th Jun 2003, 06:20 PM
....Virginia. where they all come from,although even in Virginia virgins are just about extinct ever since the day when....

macca2
10th Jun 2003, 07:47 PM
Davey Crockett went thundering around Virginian doing..........

Johnno
10th Jun 2003, 08:48 PM
terrible things to innocent little possums and racoons so that he could make those funny fur hats to put on his...



cheeseball burgertush

fxst
11th Jun 2003, 12:27 AM
head to cover the bald patch that was developing because the..........

Tulefel girdlebuns

Geoff Egan
11th Jun 2003, 08:45 PM
..Virginian winters were rather harsh on exposed skin especially when you had to..

barnsey
12th Jun 2003, 10:44 AM
...hunt for those rare and nubile virginal.......

Dennis Hill
12th Jun 2003, 05:21 PM
...Rackoons which make the best What-Not and Doo-Hickey polishers and warmers known to man. As this is secret men's business we must regard this information as confidential, otherwise there will be no virgin rackoons to be found in all of Virginia and we will be reduced to........

JackoH
12th Jun 2003, 05:48 PM
... using Shellawax and Shithot wax and other like products made by the Grand Poo Bah and his minnions in the back streets of Sleepy Hollow, to polish our what-nots and doo-hickeys so that.........

RETIRED
12th Jun 2003, 11:17 PM
fancy, fine and finite filigree found only in the finest fakir houses in Egypt. Finely finished filigree is....

Neil
13th Jun 2003, 12:36 AM
flamin' hard to finish without a fair dinkum, fine filagree, finishing fixative, to stop the flamin filagree, from floating off the furniture and onto......

RETIRED
14th Jun 2003, 12:32 AM
the fabulous flaming floor. After picking them up they again should be polished, pored over for any purile pockmarks and put

Neil
14th Jun 2003, 01:48 AM
precisely in the permanent position, prepared prior to the premature placement of the piece in a perplexing position above the portcullis by Peter The Protector, who in his haste had........

http://www.ubeaut.biz/laughing.gif

macca2
14th Jun 2003, 11:53 AM
buffed the bloody thing beyond belief with "beaut" wax, brawn and beef, before a busy bystander blundered into it and brought the whole beautiful bundle....................

Neil
14th Jun 2003, 05:11 PM
tumbling down, top over tail towards the terrified township of Tootgarook. A "Tidy Town" winner with a terrific temple that played a totally awesome tintinabulation that turned the town tyrant into the town........

Johnno
14th Jun 2003, 05:42 PM
tosser, totally titivated by the temptation tendered by the tempting, toothsome twosome...

macca2
14th Jun 2003, 07:55 PM
renound for their rebounding raunchly. and rather rumbustialy,while ravelling through this thread a ration of raucous readings from raving rabbiters who...................

RETIRED
15th Jun 2003, 01:05 AM
quietly and quickly quit to engage in a game of quoits at Quilpie where wagers were in qintar and all clothing was made from qivet.

The game was played in a quadrangle with quad teams in a quadratic formation with at least one quadroon in each quad.

After drinking Quik and eating..



(there are no spelling mistakes, I swollered a dicktionery :) )

Neil
15th Jun 2003, 01:22 AM
quandongs the quaint little team of quantum mechanicks quickly and quietly quenched their thirst with quaffing wine and went to the quartz quarry to see if there was a quantity of quick silver to restore the broken quatrefoil on the quintessential filagree which quite coincidently had.........

(It is entirely likely that there are spelling mistakes, but I just don't care.) :D

JackoH
15th Jun 2003, 11:52 AM
.. an arduous allusion to arbitary assonance by all ablebodied, assinine animals along an arboreal arcade, accompanied by an archetypal arctic arachnoid from Arrarat called 'Arry the archaelogical amateur. Arriving at....
.
(Phew! And bugger the spelling. So There!):mad:

Johnno
15th Jun 2003, 05:52 PM
Adelaide, where the arrival of the alluring and artistic artistes was avidly anticipated by the alligators of the Advertiser, who...

Neo
16th Jun 2003, 11:11 AM
swiftly swallowed the stinking offered up to Adelaide’s suburban senior citizens and sly sock secreting snobs of the artistic intelligentsia resulting in their being swiftly sacked and soundly smacked. So the sneering advertiser alligators changed tack but not their ways and snookered the usually sensible sand and soil sellers of the small village of Sassafras into selling their stupendous stockpiles of sand and soil for a song. Sensationally, the then seething and swearing sand and soils sellers of Sassafras ................

Dazza007
17th Jun 2003, 10:38 AM
.... did bugger all for Dazza's poor back which has seen him laid out flatter than a pancake for almost two long weeks. But alas, the derailment of this supreme being of the wood world (Dazza), was not cause by over exursion in nocturnal activities, but rather while he was .........

macca2
20th Jun 2003, 12:01 PM
labouring over the meaning of this rather long and interlectualy challenging thead which relates in some detail the wonderings and wanderings of our two lovely ladies who were last left leasurely labouring at some length in the......................

Dazza007
22nd Jun 2003, 06:28 PM
....... Woodies bordelo where they were practicing the fine art of erotic 'ping-pong' with each other. Naturally they were in training for the World Bordelo Ping-Pong Championships to be held in 'Bangkok' in time for the ...........

DaveInOz
30th Jun 2003, 02:22 PM
And so as our tortured tale of woodwork finaly lays down quietly, somewhere out of the way and dies, we look back fondly at the sexy twosome who lived out their lives in a convent, we marvel at the attempts to distort the tale with woodworking references, and we return weary to reality.
Quiet now, no more tonight, lights off.
Shhhhh it's time to sleep.

macca2
30th Jun 2003, 10:17 PM
EVERYBODY UP.....MAN THE GUNS............there is somebody at the door who wants to...............

Neil
1st Jul 2003, 01:01 AM
keep this story from dying. However ...........

DaveInOz
1st Jul 2003, 03:18 PM
... out of shape, bald guy with a beer gut. Who, due to his back back, can't carry anything, even a story line. :p

DaveInOz
1st Jul 2003, 04:55 PM
LOL:D

Doorstop you're right.
Genes this bad are rare, in fact the only other bloke as blighted by genetics as me lives in south Oz ......... hang on Doorstop ...... is that you ... DADDY?

Now there is a story line !!:eek:

DanP
1st Jul 2003, 06:14 PM
do us all a favour and knock off Rose Porteous instead. So off he went, armed to the teeth with incredibly sharp roughing gouges and evil intent. Go, stoppers, go, yelled bystanders as he stomped past, one hand on gouge the other on his poor arthritic wrecked lower back...

Johnno
1st Jul 2003, 06:50 PM
...until he realised that he'd forgotten his bottle of Coona -medicine - goes down like honey - speaking of which...


Johnno2

macca2
3rd Jul 2003, 09:40 PM
the best medicine known to man is a carefully aged bottle of red. Preferably of the Shiraz variety which has in the past been known to cure...................

Johnno
4th Jul 2003, 06:44 PM
...the secret circle of thaumaturgy and reverse yoga practicioners who are attempting to sequester the science of...

(what the hell am I talking about?)

Johnno2

Dazza007
5th Jul 2003, 09:53 PM
.......... Bordello "Ping-Pong". Which is an ancient oriental art that dates back as far as ........

Geoff Egan
9th Jul 2003, 10:09 PM
the venerable Ping dynasty, who always had a bit of a pong about them because of their habit of

Tristan Croll
10th Jul 2003, 05:54 PM
bathing daily in rancid yaks' milk, which did wonders for their complexions, but not so much for their love lives, which is why...

macca2
10th Jul 2003, 07:30 PM
they will never enjoy the delights of our two nubile young ladies who, having been totaly ingnored over the past weeks are determined to make a return to popularity by...........

Geoff Egan
10th Jul 2003, 08:00 PM
...taking leave of the ponging pings and making their way back to Oz to look up their old friend....

fxst
10th Jul 2003, 11:09 PM
very large turned salt & pepper grinders while..............

JackoH
1st Aug 2003, 04:41 PM
..yelling at the top of his voice,"Come 'ere me little beauties and let me put some spice in your lives!" But unfortunately he had forgotten that.......

Sir Stinkalot
1st Aug 2003, 04:51 PM
He had left his cyclonic dust extractor on last time he filled his salt and pepper grinders which caused .....

JohnM
1st Aug 2003, 10:12 PM
axial rotation imparted by

Neo
12th Aug 2003, 12:26 PM
the amazing Coriolis Force, an apparent force that, as a result of the earth's rotation, deflects moving objects (such projectiles or air currents) to the right in the northern hemisphere and to the left in the southern hemisphere. Most noticable when playing snooker and the ball diverts from track just at the last second and fails to fall into the pocket. Colloquially called, 'Corrie'.

The head of the man in Wayne's avatar is infact spinning with Corrie - this is only to be expected from the Ozzie Cyclone Guru.

If Wayne were to reverse the rotation of the man's head he would need more power to counteract Coriolis force and this could ............

Dennis Hill
12th Aug 2003, 01:50 PM
mean rotating in ever diminishing circles until finally..........

macca2
12th Aug 2003, 02:24 PM
turning into a cork screw and screwing....................

JackoH
12th Aug 2003, 04:14 PM
....our two lovely ladies, one after the other, until they popped their corks!
.
(Its time to stop beating around the bush, to coin a phrase, and get to the point of this long, turgid and sometimes ridiculous tale of sex and intrgue)
.
So after resting for a short while our hero (hero!!) decided that the time had come to........

Neo
13th Aug 2003, 01:47 PM
fingernails and nether regions by scraping the muck out with ........

Dennis Hill
13th Aug 2003, 08:57 PM
a well sharpened parting tool, which, sadly, sliped and with considerable pain, parted his..........

macca2
13th Aug 2003, 10:03 PM
index finger at the first knuckle, thus making it very difficult to..........

JackoH
14th Aug 2003, 12:00 PM
.....pick his nose. Also he found that he could no longer....

Neo
18th Aug 2003, 04:19 PM
point with any accuracy, which resulted in grief at the local sandwich bar when he tried to point at the fillings he wanted. He was so terribly upset at having to pay for a cucumber, beansprout and grated carrot on rye when he really wanted a roastbeef roll that he .......

macca2
3rd Sep 2003, 11:16 AM
scoff down with a couple of beers to fortify himself for the upcoming encounter with the aformentioned young ladies where he hoped to...................

JackoH
3rd Sep 2003, 03:04 PM
...inveigle them back to his shed. There to engage in an exciting game of "hunt the didget" amongst the shavings and sawdust.
To be followed , after several beers, by an even more exciting game of "hide the sausage" Thus killing two birds with one stone so to speak. ( If he didn't find one he would hopefully lose the other!).
But unfortunately the......

Neo
15th Sep 2003, 10:57 AM
young ladies were 2 pot screamers and, after sharing a bottle of dodgy plonk while he polished off a couple of refreshing Tooheys long necks, they became ..................

craigb
25th Sep 2003, 11:54 AM
absolutely rats arsed and fell asleep amid the shavings, so our hero was reduced to ..

macca2
25th Sep 2003, 04:15 PM
watching the AFL grand final on the idiot box where he saw Brisbane.......................

craigb
25th Sep 2003, 04:44 PM
Do to Collingwood what he wanted to do to the two lovelies.
Then after the ganme he .........................

fxst
25th Sep 2003, 10:08 PM
was too drunk to care and they walked out in disgust into......................

craigb
26th Sep 2003, 12:37 PM
the highly strung Mrs Lawrence Longrpong, who wasn't best pleased to see her Lawrence emerge from his shed with two obviously hung over nymphetes who from there appearance had been rolling around in sawdust.

Lawrie! cried Candida (for that was the good ladies name) I thought you'd gone to the shed to dovetail a box and now I find that ..............

fxst
26th Sep 2003, 10:02 PM
you boxed 2 doves you horrible little man now I will...................... :D

DaveInOz
27th Nov 2003, 10:57 AM
... forced to divorce you. I want the shed, you get the kids.

Lawrie reeled, his befuddled mind trying to come to grips with the fact he was about to loose his shed .. and his tools ...., oh , and his wife.

silentC
27th Nov 2003, 11:52 AM
But suddenly pulling him self together, Lawrie, or Lollies as he was known to those of his school mates who were still alive, had a brillant idea, a cunning plan that could not fail. He replied...

macca2
11th Dec 2003, 12:00 PM
take the lot...for whatever good that will do you, it is the time of year when good little boys like me talk to Santa and get all the goodies we want, including.............



macca

craigb
11th Dec 2003, 04:10 PM
seven maids a milking ....

vcohen
17th Dec 2003, 08:05 AM
.....who are on annual leave from their dairying duties, and would much prefer to be .............

craigb
18th Dec 2003, 11:45 AM
lazing by the pool in their cossies drinking chardonay.

So with that Loll and the babes climbed aboard his Forester (it was a tight fit) and hit the road bound for .....