Story time with uncle Dave

[DaveInOz]

What the hell - lets see what happens.


It was a dark and stormy night. The rain bucketed down, beating a steady tattoo on the corro roof. Inside the shed the white glare of flouresent lighting flashed back at him from the polished blades of the tools.
Sweating despite the chill he......

[fxst]

opened a bottle of port and threw another log in the fire and then.....

[Wayne Davy]

there was a knock at the door. Opening the door...

[splinter]

... two gorgeous, incredibly sexy women, one of whom said, "Hi, my name is Beryl, this is my twin sister Cheryl, we're feeling a little feral, would you like to.......

[Wayne Davy]

do us a good turn?? We really need....

[JackoH]

....come inside take off all our wet clothes, and stand in front of the fire in order to dry our....

[Wayne Davy]

hair?" ;)

"Come on in" he said "Allow me to .....

[Neil]

a brass ferrel, for the end of my tool
handle.

I don't want it to split when I use it for.........

[fxst]

stirring my special potions for the benefit of all mankind and.......

[fxst]

brass ferrules for tools that are used.................

[splinter]

... and abused by the sexually confused for the......

[Neil]

woodturning gratification and ............

[fxst]

nice gifts for swambo and further to that.....

[splinter]

... they had better be just what she wants because Beryl can be a little frightening." Having said that he flourished his ferrule and flung it at......

[JackoH]

...what are two, georgeous, sexy, feral ladies (Hah) like you doing here anyway?
Would you like me to......(Lets get back to the main plot fellas.):rolleyes:

[DaveInOz]

... help you?"

"Oh yes" the feral ladies replied in unison
"We've come to you're workshop in the hope you could give us a screw"

After the enevitable double take Merv asked " To what use would you put this screw? Tell me so I can determine the type of screw you need"

"Well" Cheryl breathed " we need ....

[DaveInOz]

... binomial bubble chip smorched by the bloke with the double overhead underhang 3 phase whacker"

"Bloody hell" Merv exclaimed "This will call for my new....



(consider it copped :))

[splinter]

Which explains why our hair is all messed up, now if you could give us a screw or two so we can completely dovetail our tails we will.......

[Wayne Davy]

get our beloved gronicle stretcher untensioned as it seems a bit uptight at the moment."

Beryl gestured, "Do you have one of those large, thick .....

[ubeaut]

thwacking-stick things that you use for........

[AlexS]

...sharp pointy leaves, and we don't like getting pricked in the....

[macca2]

middle of the night while...............

[fxst]

watching the double episode of st nits while......

[Wayne Davy]

stroking a long, thick....

[JackoH]

sausage shaped.....:D

[ubeaut]

balloon, that we use to create............

[fxst]

words in while making cartoons of.............

[macca2]

two gorgeous, incredibly sexy women,that have been known to.............

[Johnno]

offcut reject from the last failed attempt to produce something useful...

[Johnno]

dammit - that had nothing to do with the thread I was trying to post to!

[ubeaut]

And with that little Johnno ran to his room in a state of shame and humiliation, slammed the door, threw himself on his bed, burried his head in his pillow and cried himself to sleep.http://www.smilies-world.de/Smilies/Smilies_klein_1/fie.gif

The next morning there was a knock at his door. "Johnno, oh little Johnno" came a sweet voice "Johnno can we please come in and.......

[fxst]

as he sprung to open the door he realised the floor had disappeared and......

[Wayne Davy]

been replaced by a pile of sawdust. "Bloody termites", he muttered. If I had my way .....

[fxst]

I'd.....ooooooooh look the ceilings gone geez those termites are quick ..he then went and found.......................

[splinter]

... that some lovely chap had left him a huge bunch of pansies, "Goodness gracious me" he lisped, grasped the huge bunch firmly in his delicate hands and minced off to......

[ubeaut]

wild bees, intent on deflowering his posie of pansies. With the bees in hot persuit he ran screaming down the street holding the flowers high and yelling..........

[JackoH]

.... Help, Help, if I can't stop these bloody B's I'll be deflowered and who would marry me then? With that a passer-by seeing our hero's plight......

(What happened to those maidens who started all this?)

[fxst]

called the 2 maidens on his highly secret mobile steering wheel and asked..........................
(that answer your question John?)

[macca2]

...the policeman who pulled him over for useing his moblie while driving to go easy on him as he only........

[ubeaut]

block to run before he was safe from the bees and in the arms of the two maidens were going to give him..............

[fxst]

a nice cup of tea and a lie down after which they would.............

[JackoH]

...massage his ego, and...

[ubeaut]

rampage throught the streets of Kings Cross, where........

[Dennis Hill]

boys will be girls and girls could be anything!!!

[macca2]

so venture out with care as those two maidens could well be.......

[JackoH]

...not what they seem. However you could.....

[Dennis Hill]

always go somewhere private and ask them to......

[macca2]

show you their...........

[Johnno]

scratching johnno's itch

[fxst]

which was right inthe middle of his back and on removing his shirt they saw a great big .....................

[ubeaut]

tatoo of a hunting scene with the dogs and the hunters in full flight and there disappearing into the crack of his bum was the foxes tail. "Well!" they exclaimed as one " We have never seen.............

[JackoH]

...tug to see if it....

[Dennis Hill]

...a quick brush and comb and powder it for fleas. Then we can have a.......

[Dennis Hill]

How did Dear Doorstop get in before me? Quite upset my train of thought.

most flea ridden ferret that a person could dream of

[ubeaut]

nice cuppa tea and a........

What the???? Where did that bloody dennis Hill sneak in from?

[Dennis Hill]

Bloody cheek of the bloke! I'd have a word with the Admin department about him if I were you!

[Dennis Hill]

OOPS! get back to the topic Hilly!!!

..... and a "Bex Powder" and a good lie......

[fxst]

will keep the maidens guessing as to what Dennis was up too as he is a ..........................

[Johnno]

senior who may have trouble getting anything up..

[Dennis Hill]

Gentlemen, please! Getting what up? Up to no good would be more like it! Up on a ladder?

Now back to our nubile young ladies, they were ladies were'nt they? I have trouble rembering the plot, I think I lost it years ago!

Thats it! we were going to have a cup of tea, a Bex, and lie in the recliner and....... watch the footy????? or was it play footsies???

Where did that plot go?

[macca2]

The plot?.....it seems the maidens have gone to the footy to see............

[JackoH]

..all those well endowed young men in very tight shorts, showing off their tackles (this is Rugby football we're talking about isn't it?) Also these luverly young ladies like........

[Dennis Hill]

.....The hot-dogs that they sell in the stadium while the populace watch the spetecale of .........

[Johnno]

those people doing all kinds of nasty things to each other in that steaming maelstrom they call 'the scrum'...

[fxst]

which the maidens overheard being deciphered as hope we get to play Aussie Rules soon as the two maidens prefer real football and so..........................

[Dennis Hill]

Watch those fine young fellows in their tight shorts as they........

[ubeaut]

go about the business of playing one of the real football games, not throw ball. Their wish was granted and all of a sudden the players grew necks and stopped the bum sniffing scrums and a new game was in play. The maidens were so delighted that they.............

[Dennis Hill]

Could hardly control themselves and started to......

[Shane Watson]

throw pom poms round like they had never thrown them before. Pom poms went this way & pom poms went that way, but what they didn't realise was that............

[Johnno]

pom tiddely pompom tiddely pom - and all these funny people wrapped in British flags had invaded the field - and the poor girls didn't know what to do next...

[macca2]

so they ran down the nearest pathway looking for an escape from this madness, only to find .................

[Dennis Hill]

(Drums and spooky music in background....)
.
.
....There was no escape from the Football addiction! All they could do was to...........

[ubeaut]

stand by quietly and watch in horror, as..............

[Dennis Hill]

As....As... Mercyfull Heaven protect us, the stadium was invaded by that most awful of football codes, SOCK-ER! and worse still, there was the English Football...........

[macca2]

with their pompoms here,pompoms there, in fact you couldn't see the grass for.................

[Johnno]

asses! There were so many asses in tight shorts that the girls really didn't know where to cast their eyes...

[Dennis Hill]

And then, floating on a cloud, came the most splendid of visions. With long blonde hair flowing in the breeze, the tightest of tight shorts on the cutest of asses Warwick Cappa returned from obscurity (well, the Eastern suburbs of Sydney) to save our fair ladies from.......

[JackoH]

...a fate worse than death. 'But' the ladies cried,' We do not wish to be saved. We want to be.......

[Johnno]

well and truly cappad...

[Dennis Hill]

...and so it was. The now slighyly greying blond god of the AFL took the ladies into his arms, lifted them onto his fluffy cloud and wisked them away to...........

[macca2]

the make believe home, in the make believe world, of this make believe AFL player, and the poor young maidens soon became aware of this and cried out for...........................

[Dennis Hill]

....rescue from this silly place by a REAL MAN driving a HOLDEN UTE with the Bull bar, big mud flaps and.........

[JackoH]

....wide chrome wheels,with huge nuts and....

[macca2]

with the mandatory great ugle mut in the back the will.............

[Dennis Hill]

...where the dog actually looked and smelled better than the driver and did not drink as much.......

[Kev Y.]

red coona stuff, favoured by many of those residents of the south east states.........

[Dennis Hill]

.....but the dog, in true Ute-Dog fassion, did like childeren. They could be raw, roasted, or..........

[macca2]

57 big bad bearded, Harley riding Coffin Cheaters who didn't give a stuff if it was cab sav or vinegar,all they wanted was............

[fxst]

a boozeup and to win over the 2 maidens that are still hanging around the ute while................

[Dennis Hill]

.....the dog calculated which parts of the Coffin Cheaters would taste the best if he were to.......

[JackoH]

...catch them bare-bummed whilst having their wicked way with the lovely maidens, who were finally getting.........
.
.
,{Can I get away with that?)


HMMMMM? I will allow it this time because of its eloquence :D
.

[Dennis Hill]

..would have prefered them with a nice Chianti, but as none was available at the time, simply opened his huge slavvering jaws and prepared to.....

[Neil]

bite the bugger on the bum, when all of a sudden.......

[Dennis Hill]

......Sopt realised that Roger's buttocks were truly too revolting to bite, even for a real pig-hunting, cat chewing ute-dog. He saw the errors of his ways, renounced his past life, became a lacto-vegetarian and set off to juin a Comune in.......

[JackoH]

...Nimbin, where he was last seen wandering off into the bush,full of funny mushrooms and with a look of complete happiness on his face.(Oh happy daze). Then it happened. A........

[Dennis Hill]

....Feral Female ute-dog once known as Sheryl but now known as something quite un-pronounceable and very Indian sounding wandered out of the bushes and sugested that they........

[fxst]

get together and have lotsa puppies with strange unpronoucable names and spread...................

[macca2]

their horrible litter far and wide. But Bruce the local (this is my patch) Blue Heeler had other ideas and..........

[Johnno]

the ultimate sin by crapping in front of the truck, causing it to skid and....



(I own two Bluey's, and I'm on their side!)

[Dennis Hill]

...a large, hairy truck driver who was so impressed with the retention powers of his Bonds undies that he....
.
.
.
.Did the heeler die of food poisoning? :D Only joking! I simply could not resist, sorry!:rolleyes: