wayfarer
20th January 2008, 12:54 AM
Here's a thing that happened to me a few years ago. I hope you enjoy the trouble I got into. SWMBO just rolled her eyes.
We purchased a small investment property in Balmain, Sydney. It’s about 6km from the CBD. The studio flat is so small it requires a loft-bed to save room. It was fully furnished vacant possession but our first tenant was due to move in on the weekend, so Friday morning I went over and made the place ready for her. I dropped in a new stove and extra bench top, some minor fix-ups and cleaning but while I was there I got a call from the property manager saying the tenant didn’t want the double bed mattress and asked to have it removed. I had my tools, a box of rubbish and off-cuts and the mattress to pack back into my Hundai Sportswagon.
Like, it's a really really big car. Not.
The Sportswagon:
http://www.igdesign.com.au/TOG/stories/mattress/images/sportswagon.jpg
Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever carried a double bed mattress on your own. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to carry one down two flights of stairs. It’s large, heavy, flexible but springy and generally awkward. It’s an inanimate object that somehow manages to fight back. After a bit of a struggle I get it to the car. It’s too wide and too long to fit into the tiny cargo bay so it has to go on the roof. But I can’t lift it high enough on my own so I stopped a bloke walking by and he helped out. I carry two ratchet operated tie-downs in the back so I made quick use of them and got under way.
So far so good.
The ANZAC Bridge on the edge of Australia’s largest city carries a huge volume of traffic each day. It’s monitored by CCTV back at the Traffic Control Centre. It’s a gia-normous bridge made for cars and buses. We’re talking no man’s land here. Do not stop, do not turn, grit your teeth and just drive FFS type of bridge.
One doesn’t want to break down on this bridge.
The ANZAC Bridge
http://www.igdesign.com.au/TOG/stories/mattress/images/brview.jpg
I am driving along the merge lane on the approaches to this intimidating construct. I hear a horn behind me and glance at the revision mirror in time to see a car swerve out of my lane flowed instantly by what looks like a double bed mattress doing it’s impersonation of a wayward kite.
It has a nice tail, I think to myself, as I realise the tie-downs are of the same colour. Holy Moses!
I hit the anchors and pull into the V shape lane-merging area. Cars are whizzing past at 60+kms an hour, some blowing horns to let me know there’s a mattress on the road and that it looks upset.
I rush over, grab it and drag it off the lane and up behind my car. I am truly in no man's land. It’s like 6-8 lanes wide. And I can’t lift it on my own. Looking around I find the tie-downs, both are snapped, what’s more the strain has destroyed one of the ratchets.
Oh boy.
I am looking around for a solution when my eyes fall across a sign that says “In case of breakdown, do not leave vehicle. Monitored 24hrs day.”
Oh bother.
Not only am copping sweet comments from passing motorists but I am on candid camera back at Traffic Control. All sorts of things are rushing through my mind.
The guy back at traffic control is on a microphone calling the tow service to go out and rescue a mattress and it’s hapless owner from the bridge.
He calls over his mates and they're all standing around the monitor pointing at me and laughing.
I wonder if they are taking bets on my next move.
I wonder what fine I may face.
I realise I simply can’t drive off, they’ll have my number plate.There’s nothing for it. I try to lift the mattress onto the roof in a vain hope that the one working tie-down and scraps from the other will hold it in place if I go slowly enough. Go slowly enough? On this Bridge? It will cause chaos. And where to then? The bridge exits into the city, then onto the Sydney Harbour Bridge, then into more city streets or freeways. I can’t even pop into a hardware store… there aren’t any for miles!
Just then, as I am struggling with the thing a Taxi pulls up. He kindly helps me with it and off he’s goes again. Great! Now it’s on the roof bars, so I start strapping it down. I can imagine there’s money changing hands in the Traffic Control Centre.
Oh no!
The second tie-down is so busted I can’t get enough strap to tie it down with. I’ve just spent 10minutes trying to unwind it and all the time I’m conscious of that damn Traffic Control Room party and the apporaching tow truck. There’s money changing back again.
I give up, there’s no way I can take this mattress anywhere.
I like to consider myself a resourceful man. A plan! I drag the mattress off the roof, across a lane of traffic and dump the mattress over the side of the bridge. Hop back into my car, continue across the bridge, get off the freeway, turn around, come back over the bridge back into Balmain, park, and go back and get the mattress on foot. Find a hardware store and buy some bigger straps.
Seemed like a good idea at the time. In fact, not only was it my only idea but there was nothing else I could do. I couldn’t wait for the tow truck. The humiliation would reduce me to a mass of jelly quivering on the road.
Meanwhile, the traffic control centre has called co-workers from downstairs and the crowd around the monitor is getting bigger.
They watch me man handle this mattress from the car at a suitable break in the traffic, drag it like mad across the lane, heave and push, pull and persuade the mattress over the safety rail and let it fall. It doesn’t go far. It’s fallen on a pedestrian footbridge. No one was injured, in fact I am in luck, there’s no one in sight.
See ‘A’ on the photo below
Cont....
We purchased a small investment property in Balmain, Sydney. It’s about 6km from the CBD. The studio flat is so small it requires a loft-bed to save room. It was fully furnished vacant possession but our first tenant was due to move in on the weekend, so Friday morning I went over and made the place ready for her. I dropped in a new stove and extra bench top, some minor fix-ups and cleaning but while I was there I got a call from the property manager saying the tenant didn’t want the double bed mattress and asked to have it removed. I had my tools, a box of rubbish and off-cuts and the mattress to pack back into my Hundai Sportswagon.
Like, it's a really really big car. Not.
The Sportswagon:
http://www.igdesign.com.au/TOG/stories/mattress/images/sportswagon.jpg
Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever carried a double bed mattress on your own. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to carry one down two flights of stairs. It’s large, heavy, flexible but springy and generally awkward. It’s an inanimate object that somehow manages to fight back. After a bit of a struggle I get it to the car. It’s too wide and too long to fit into the tiny cargo bay so it has to go on the roof. But I can’t lift it high enough on my own so I stopped a bloke walking by and he helped out. I carry two ratchet operated tie-downs in the back so I made quick use of them and got under way.
So far so good.
The ANZAC Bridge on the edge of Australia’s largest city carries a huge volume of traffic each day. It’s monitored by CCTV back at the Traffic Control Centre. It’s a gia-normous bridge made for cars and buses. We’re talking no man’s land here. Do not stop, do not turn, grit your teeth and just drive FFS type of bridge.
One doesn’t want to break down on this bridge.
The ANZAC Bridge
http://www.igdesign.com.au/TOG/stories/mattress/images/brview.jpg
I am driving along the merge lane on the approaches to this intimidating construct. I hear a horn behind me and glance at the revision mirror in time to see a car swerve out of my lane flowed instantly by what looks like a double bed mattress doing it’s impersonation of a wayward kite.
It has a nice tail, I think to myself, as I realise the tie-downs are of the same colour. Holy Moses!
I hit the anchors and pull into the V shape lane-merging area. Cars are whizzing past at 60+kms an hour, some blowing horns to let me know there’s a mattress on the road and that it looks upset.
I rush over, grab it and drag it off the lane and up behind my car. I am truly in no man's land. It’s like 6-8 lanes wide. And I can’t lift it on my own. Looking around I find the tie-downs, both are snapped, what’s more the strain has destroyed one of the ratchets.
Oh boy.
I am looking around for a solution when my eyes fall across a sign that says “In case of breakdown, do not leave vehicle. Monitored 24hrs day.”
Oh bother.
Not only am copping sweet comments from passing motorists but I am on candid camera back at Traffic Control. All sorts of things are rushing through my mind.
The guy back at traffic control is on a microphone calling the tow service to go out and rescue a mattress and it’s hapless owner from the bridge.
He calls over his mates and they're all standing around the monitor pointing at me and laughing.
I wonder if they are taking bets on my next move.
I wonder what fine I may face.
I realise I simply can’t drive off, they’ll have my number plate.There’s nothing for it. I try to lift the mattress onto the roof in a vain hope that the one working tie-down and scraps from the other will hold it in place if I go slowly enough. Go slowly enough? On this Bridge? It will cause chaos. And where to then? The bridge exits into the city, then onto the Sydney Harbour Bridge, then into more city streets or freeways. I can’t even pop into a hardware store… there aren’t any for miles!
Just then, as I am struggling with the thing a Taxi pulls up. He kindly helps me with it and off he’s goes again. Great! Now it’s on the roof bars, so I start strapping it down. I can imagine there’s money changing hands in the Traffic Control Centre.
Oh no!
The second tie-down is so busted I can’t get enough strap to tie it down with. I’ve just spent 10minutes trying to unwind it and all the time I’m conscious of that damn Traffic Control Room party and the apporaching tow truck. There’s money changing back again.
I give up, there’s no way I can take this mattress anywhere.
I like to consider myself a resourceful man. A plan! I drag the mattress off the roof, across a lane of traffic and dump the mattress over the side of the bridge. Hop back into my car, continue across the bridge, get off the freeway, turn around, come back over the bridge back into Balmain, park, and go back and get the mattress on foot. Find a hardware store and buy some bigger straps.
Seemed like a good idea at the time. In fact, not only was it my only idea but there was nothing else I could do. I couldn’t wait for the tow truck. The humiliation would reduce me to a mass of jelly quivering on the road.
Meanwhile, the traffic control centre has called co-workers from downstairs and the crowd around the monitor is getting bigger.
They watch me man handle this mattress from the car at a suitable break in the traffic, drag it like mad across the lane, heave and push, pull and persuade the mattress over the safety rail and let it fall. It doesn’t go far. It’s fallen on a pedestrian footbridge. No one was injured, in fact I am in luck, there’s no one in sight.
See ‘A’ on the photo below
Cont....