Dingos ruminashuns #001

**Wild Dingo** · 26th February 2007, 12:47 AM

Following along the lines of Wendy the supadupa woodwhisperin red leatherette wearin sheila type mod's thread here I thought it only fair an reasonable to post ruminashuns in an effort to clarify an show fairness an my utter non sexist nature

an so have taken the liberty to post my own said ruminashuns here in the sheilas bar

and although this could also be seen as a rebuttle to her highnesses thred it is done in the interests of fairness and in a gentlemanly manner... actually it could indeed be said that I by posting this in this womens area are showing my feminine side

be that as it may let us proceed

The first of a semi-regular column??? who knows!!

So... I must start with a statement to clarify my stance that my wood rarely if ever "whispers" to me... nay never!

my wood screams yells takes me to task abuses cries and generally has a go at me at every chance it has

whisper? never!

now let me ruminate more specifically... in regard specific screaming wood I hear around here particularly in the shed otherwise known for reasons previously explained elsewhere as the "cave"

Jarrah... that grumpy cussing swearin worse than an old wharfie wood does not EVER whisper whimper or speak softly... being one of Aussies hardwoods its taken that to its heartwood and cannot speak less than a roaring tirade... whisper? it splinters on yer whispers!

Tuart... a right basturd of a timber to be sure one word in three comes out at mach 10 on the ritcher scale and has been known to shatter itself into tooth picks tryin to get your attention

Sheoak... is a quieter wood better known as part of the gay wood set due to its flowing grain and pretty boy colors it has a propensity to scream in the higher octaves if it doesnt attract your attention and as such is also known as the operatic wood

Sadly much ado is made here of the whispering woods used by such wonderous sheila wood workin types such as the red leatherette wearing one... but it would be remiss of me not to point out that if such luminaries can only hear the wood whisper it is due to their hearing of the wood being impaired... although they themselves would never agree such is the way of nature as humans particularily sheila type hooman beans for some reason evolve they in fact loose the ability to hear the wood... SCREAMING YELLING ABUSING DEMANDING and all round generally making a splintering unholey row

Now... all that is not to say this wood whispering caper does not have its merits if indeed it were truely a state of woodiness... indeed I do believe that if it were so in the case of the peices of Jarrah I was drilling the other day...I would NOT have drilled my finger!... why do I say that you ask well let us ruminate about that for a time shall we?

Now I have stated that Jarrah is a cantankerous obstropolous mean loud sort of wood and as is its want while I was drilling the needed holes in its length it was not whispering...no verrily I say it was SHOUTING SCREAMING AND GENERALLY ABUSING THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME!... this as it will do distracted me

... to such a degree that the drill got heated at being so insulted by the verbal abuse being slung at its master that it decided to drill an alternate hole in it in an effort to distract it and get some peace... of course the drill being a vocally neutered type slave forgot to warn my hand the index finger of which it promptly buried itself into causing an increasing crescendo of screaming abuse cussing and such that the drill was shamed to silence... the Jarrah flew 150 meters across the paddock after slamming into the seatainer crashing through a window de-nutting the neighbors dog killing the cocky and hasnt been seen since

I stand firm in the conviction that IF and I say IF wood whispered then such a horrific incidence would NOT have occurred... But verily I say to you wood does not whisper the only thing I will condescend to say probably does whisper is Pinus Crapiata since its qualities and tuffness is such that a one day old fairy pussy can make it sob but as a true wood of importance its irrelevant

Finally... I say unto you... Wendy the supadupa red leatherette wearing mod of renown is havin a lend of yer and knows full well wood does indeed not whisper... shes just got her wee red leatherette knickers in a hoity toity cause shes a mod

an as we are all supposed to know full well "the mods know all"... But in fact in this one regard they are indeed wrong and so in fairness to my fellow woodnuts an woodboobs I submit that wood does not whisper

It should also be pointed out that in her tirade inthe above linked thread Wendy in quoting this source stated erroneously

“..how to get them [the wood] to stop [whispering]?...”

when in fact I asked

"how do you get them to stop screaming and shouting?

Please note when plagiarizing or paraphrasing a fellow woodnut no matter how mod one is do get it right old girl

Thank you for your attendance today at Dingos Ruminashuns #001

**John Saxton** · 26th February 2007, 09:49 PM

Flamin Jarrah..ya wuss c'mon Shane try a bit of Ironbark,Wandoo that'll test ya mettle oh and ya metal drills etc.

Cheers

**Wild Dingo** · 27th February 2007, 12:08 AM

The three quoted where mere examples Johnno... mere examples

**RufflyRustic** · 27th February 2007, 09:39 AM

Well Shane, firstly, I apologise for misquoting you.

Secondly, I honestly don't know what to say.

I'm kinda speechless, but still grinning madly

cheers
Wendy

**jmk89** · 27th February 2007, 09:47 AM

Both Ding and La Rufflata report that their wood makes sounds and expresses opinions (Ding just has a lot of gnarly West Ozzie wood whcih has attitude and , probably, chips on each shoulder). So all they disagree on is the volume of the expressions used.

Maybe the amount of sound is proportional to the size of the piece of wood? Could it be that the volume of the sound is just dependent on the volume of the wood?

Another thought - has anyone heeard a peep out of mdf, chipboard, masonite, caneite or any other manufactured board (other than fibre cement aka herniaboard)? Maybe they are so dispriited after the processing that they have lost the ability to say anything. And what about finger -jointed pine?

**Andy Mac** · 27th February 2007, 11:26 AM

Hi Wild Dingo,
An enjoyable diatribe, the likes of which we've come to expect from you over there in the West!

I understand now more about the causes of your recent altercation with the pointy bits of a drill, and you have my utmost sympathy. Move east.
I actually started woodwork over there, and spent my fair share of time bending nails in Jarrah...it was used widely for house framing back in the 70's. I soon learnt to drill every bleedin' hole before nailing the old stuff, and was rewarded with squirts of sap when knocking them into fresh wet stuff! This was before such niceties as nail guns and those fancy gang nail cleats, my god we even housed noggins back then!
Indeed it was a real awakening to move over here and discover the likes of Hoop, Kauri (huh, not Karri?!) and Bunya pine, red cedar, rosewood, coachwood, maple, silky oak, the list was endless (and that's only the local gang...add Camphor as a common timber), and they weren't all friggin' tough, manly woods!!

Some of them talk frankly and openly; there are some raised voices by the likes of forest and river oak, but an awful lot of sweet nothings breathed into the ears of those in tune with the quietitude.
Sure there is river red gum, ironbark, and spotted gum, but there is a range! Its not all HARDwood like back in WA. Even brush box is a sweeter timber, and as a consequence, my hands are all soft now, like a girls

and I wear riggers gloves for the splintery jobs, one's that match my blouse.
And I ask nicely before I go jamming my drill into their soft underbelly....

Cheers,

**Wild Dingo** · 27th February 2007, 12:52 PM

Originally Posted by Andy Mac

Hi Wild Dingo,
An enjoyable diatribe, the likes of which we've come to expect from you over there in the West!

I understand now more about the causes of your recent altercation with the pointy bits of a drill, and you have my utmost sympathy. Move east.
I actually started woodwork over there, and spent my fair share of time bending nails in Jarrah...it was used widely for house framing back in the 70's. I soon learnt to drill every bleedin' hole before nailing the old stuff, and was rewarded with squirts of sap when knocking them into fresh wet stuff! This was before such niceties as nail guns and those fancy gang nail cleats, my god we even housed noggins back then!
Indeed it was a real awakening to move over here and discover the likes of Hoop, Kauri (huh, not Karri?!) and Bunya pine, red cedar, rosewood, coachwood, maple, silky oak, the list was endless (and that's only the local gang...add Camphor as a common timber), and they weren't all friggin' tough, manly woods!!

Some of them talk frankly and openly; there are some raised voices by the likes of forest and river oak, but an awful lot of sweet nothings breathed into the ears of those in tune with the quietitude.
Sure there is river red gum, ironbark, and spotted gum, but there is a range! Its not all HARDwood like back in WA. Even brush box is a sweeter timber, and as a consequence, my hands are all soft now, like a girls

and I wear riggers gloves for the splintery jobs, one's that match my blouse.
And I ask nicely before I go jamming my drill into their soft underbelly....

Cheers,

girls blouse! woosey boy! nancy pants!

Well as we say mate Tuffen up... an if yer cant tuffen up move east

See I to recall the days of runnin the 3in nail through a bar of soap hidden within the nailbag while doin a mad balancing act high above the surface of terra firm hammer in one hand length of 2x 8 Jarrah wedged between me knees {without a safety harness mind you} then attempting to place nail balance and swear as the nail was belted in... ooh the number of buckled over nails that I did before that bar of soap happened... oh and we didnt drill the flamin holes either woosey boy we was tuff and the fact that it meant dragging the bloody hand powered drill and bits up there while lugging the flamin great length of jarrah and trying to balance was an added muchismo I wasnt prepared to involve meself with... unless your talking about that house we did on Scarborough beach? man that week was hell on wheels!! chickiebabes in kinis struttin their stuff as the strolled to the beach lookin up at this fine young studmuffin... man that was a hard week

ever tried RUNNING up a ladder with TWO lengths of 2x8x20ft Jarrah on your shoulders while checkin the sexywexy wee sheila was still watchin yer? and not f**kup and fall?.... man a hard week that will never be forgotten

But then the wood never spoke to me... period... well other than repeating "IF you do that again... OUCH!!"

chipboard mdf etc... well I personnaly dont like using it but then Im an emotional sorta fella and all that crying wailing and continual sobbing just does my head in

The screaming yelling swearing I can take easy as but the crying and sobbing? nah Id end up layin full length on it sobbing "ooohh I know I know Im sorry blub blub sob sob" never get nothin done if I used that stuff

**ubeaut** · 28th February 2007, 12:36 AM

has anyone heard a peep out of mdf, chipboard, masonite, caneite or any other manufactured board

Many years ago a large piece of tempered Masonite talked me into using it as a final covering over the top of my carving bench. I used it and it has served me well for over twenty five years, whilst its brother served brilliantly as the final covering over a 15ft bench top for my radial arm saw for some 10 years.

Oh yeah that stuff certainly spoke to me and still does on occasion, although now it is definitely a whisper, usually something like: "Careful how you hold that gouge mate, you don't want to cut either of us, do you."

Neil

**Wild Dingo** · 28th February 2007, 02:59 PM

Masonite WARNS you???

Man!! thats it Im sellin all this timber an gettin Masonite!!

these damned timbers just went into hysterics when I drilled meself

... AND theyre still cackin themselves

Nope tats it Im sellin all the timber!

**ubeaut** · 28th February 2007, 09:48 PM

Don't be taken in by this stuff Dingo it can be very devious and you really should know, it's only the tempered masonite that talks, the rest of the stuff just mumbles incoherently.

**rodent** · 28th February 2007, 09:56 PM

You sure you didnt drop some of that timber on your tail dingo.

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