Thread: Dimentia, how do you handle it?

Last Wednesday was the official opening of William Cape Gardens, where both my parents now live. The facility has been operating for a year, and my parents have been there for about 6 months.

While Mum's dementia means she is reluctant to leave her comfort zone of the secure dementia wing, Dad has made a conscious decision to make the most of his move into care.

He is the only resident taking advantage of the 'Mens' Shed' at Wm. Cape, and he is working his way through sanding and re-oiling all the outdoor furniture, making aids for the Diversional Therapists (playing card holders, horse cutouts for Melbourne Cup Day, footstools, etc. etc.).

At the official opening Dad's contribution was recognized by Hon. Justine Elliott MP presenting him with a "Community Service Award".

After the official guff, the owners and the builders of Wm. Cape had a chat with Dad in the shed, and jokes were made about it not qualifying as a 'real shed' due to the lack of a beer fridge. The next day, Dad rang to tell me that a brand new bar fridge has been installed in the 'Mens Shed', so he's now had practical, as well as symbolic, recognition of the work he's been doing.

From my POV, it's really great, as Dad's making up for the years lost to coping with Mum's dementia symptoms, and Mum's getting top-notch care.

I hope others can achieve as good a result for their folks.

Cheers,
Andrew

You are very fortunate that you have done the best for your parents, but don't have the usual associated guilt for putting one or both into care. Your Dad's self esteem must be shooting through the stratosphere! It's probably a good time to get your foreign orders in before he gets too busy.

I've held off adding anything to this thread because I can't even now verbalize a satisfactory answer for myself, even though I went through the same thing a few years ago. The hardest thing for me was when my mother was phoning every few minutes forgetting she had already called and was in full blown hallucinations. I had to try and manage phone calls about things like the other me (a hallucinated 7 year old version) sitting at her dining table and my father having not come home for tea. In the midst of the conversation the other me would disappear and she would be panicking that I had been stolen. I had many loooong phone calls at night trying to talk her down from hallucinations. I live 1700kms away and trying to do the support thing, the ACATs thing and the legalities wasn't easy and a cause of much anguish.

In the end there is no correct way to handle the situation. It is a one way street and it's part of the human condition. You just have to eventually accept the inevitable. Our society and medical advancements have corralled us down the assisted care route. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Some special people have the gift of coping and caring better than others. Others have the knack of expressing their grief and care more lucidly than others. Everybody and every situation IS different but in the end we are all dead.

For the dementia sufferer they at least end up just living in the present, so I found with my mother in the later stages, although it was clear she was in a distressed state, it was less of a burden on her than earlier on when she was aware that things were wrong but still had a partially working logic and was fighting against and worrying about the decline.

One thing that occurred to me going through it was that the dementia seemed to magnify random aspects of a persons nature that already existed. For some people they just became more happy and childish while other angry personalities became aggressive and anti social. I guess it's the luck of the draw about what part of the brain is being attacked. But if you liked the person to start with it's probably going to be easier to handle the deterioration than seeing the things you didn't like become more pronounced.

For a variety of reasons my mother went through a procession of assisted care and nursing homes. Being concerned for her dignity we originally looked for places with private rooms and apparently good services, but in the end she seemed most settled in an old shared ward nursing home. Sebastian is right about the appearance of loneliness. Maybe the shared ward eased it.

I'm with prozac about the rock face, I just hope I'll be able to remember how to drive when I reach that particular curve.

To all those going through it, take care and don't blame yourselves.

just finished reading all the posts and my heart and thoughts go out to you all.

My poor old mum god bless her heart ended up in a nursing home due to her dementia.
She hated been there and all she wanted to do was go home, well that is what she told us.

The reason I say that was in the beginning we would go and visit her and she was always very happy to see us and then she would say " have you come here to pick me up and take me home, I want to go home '. Well what could we say? as we did not want to upset her anymore.

This continued for a short time which became very upsetting for all concerned, I would have loved to take her home but was not an easy thing for us to do at the time and all my old man would say " she is in the best place where she will get the best care " but that was his excuse as he did not want to look after her. We talked to the staff there and they could not understand why she was like that as they thought she had settled in there quite well but did say that she was always upset for a while after we left, was that because we left her or because we did not take her home ?? nobody could answer that question and that included mum as well .

So, that put us in a situation where my old man would visit Mum once or more a week , but we would rarely visit. It took a long time to accept that this arrangement is for the best all round, but thankfully Mum was doing well, and that she's was OK, even good, when we weren't around.

My mum was not like some of the other mums and dads, never got phone calls, hallucinations, rage, etc, If I did I would not know how to cope with that, so I cannot give any help in that area but there has been some good comments from others and I totally agree with what Fuzzy says;

To all those going through it, take care and don't blame yourselves

I think this is one disease that is harder on the caregivers than the patient.

My mother, Godmother, and now friends affected / afflicted.

There is a book that is helpful:

The 36-Hour Day, 4th edition: A Family Guide to Caring for People with Alzheimer Disease, Other Dementias, and Memory Loss in Later Life (A Johns Hopkins Press Health Book)


Authors: Nancy L. Mace, Peter V. Rabins
Manufacturer: The Johns Hopkins University Press
Keywords: Medical, generic brand
Rubric: Quicklook drug books
ISBN: 0801885108

Book description
Revised in 2006 for its twenty-fifth anniversary, this best-selling book is the "bible" for families caring for people with Alzheimer disease, offering comfort and support to millions worldwide. In addition to the practical and compassionate guidance that have made The 36-Hour Day invaluable to caregivers, the fourth edition is the only edition currently available that includes new information on medical research and the delivery of care. The new edition includes: -new information on diagnostic evaluation-resources for families and adult children who care for people with dementia-updated legal and financial information-the latest information on nursing homes and other communal living…

Book review: THE 36-HOUR DAY continues to be the 'bible' of recommendation for any caregiver whose family member suffers from dementia.
When THE 36-HOUR DAY appeared in its original edition it was unprecedented in its information for families struggling to care for people with Alzheimer Disease and other dementias: now this updated… Describes perfectly the changes taking place in my mother as she developes dementia. Helps me understand what is taking place and it is very helpful to know how other people have dealt with the same…

I had forgotten about this thread - does that mean something

No David, I think that if you can remember where you left your marbles then you're ok.

Originally Posted by prozac

No David, I think that if you can remember where you left your marbles then you're ok.

I was told that its OK to not know where you left your marbles. Its when you can't remember what marbles are that you should worry. (Is that to flippant? )