Domestic Emotional Violence

**la Huerta** · 25th January 2011, 12:25 AM

hey guys...

not sure what can be done about emotional domestic violence. (no physical voilence thank god)

my mum has been getting emotionally abused by her partner for the past 10+ years. (she is now 57 and he is 68)

it used to be real bad when i was young, and there were a lot a arguments.

last few yrs not so bad, but still lingering.

just a few months ago mum had a bit of a spell, i thought it was a turn, she did not know where she was (what a horrible day)...next day she was better and a few days after that she went to the doctors, doc said she was fine, just her b/pressure was up and she was sooooo stressed. (stress i know was caused mainly by her partner)

so bottom line, he made her sick, not a very nice guy hey

when mum got sick he was so nice and helpful and caring, now she is better he is back to himself.

tonight mum said one little thing (more like advice or suggestion on something only because she is so caring) he did not approve of this, so instead of just putting it aside like any "normal" person would, he left the dinner table like a 5 yr old and did not speak to mum for 3 hours.

mum was so upset later that night, she was crying, and off he went again, being abusing , calling her names, he did not care at all that he made her upset, could not give a rats a$$.

...it was about this time i had enough, i'm a little older and tougher these days (having a lot of my own stress to deal with for about 6yrs), so i went off big time, i called him every rotton, stinking name i could think off, i told him exactly what he is (including a little girl, and he has no balls that's why he picks on my mum) and i made sure everyone in the neighborhood heard what i had to say about him and they way he treats woman.

damn i feel good

i'm so sick of copping sh*t from people, and worse seeing other people cop it, so tonight i took a stand.

and the moron actually stood up like he was going to fight me, crikey last thing i want is that sort of violence, that would be just stupid and would only end badly. (it was like an episone of kitchen nightmares when Gorgon tells the lazy chef what i really thinks of him!)

anyways i think that is enough sharing for now, just felt like i needed to get it all out of my head so i can sleep tonight.

question i have though, if this continues, like if he still emotionally abuses my mum when i'm not around to defend her, what should i do?

should i file a complaint, report to police or something? it is very seroius, and i looked up emotional abuse on google and all the symptoms of it are present.

thanks for listening

La H

acmegridley · 25th January 2011, 05:17 AM

Tell her to get out of there as quick as she can he will end up killing her

**tea lady** · 25th January 2011, 08:27 AM

Sounds like a horrible situation! My sister was in a marriage like that! Sometimes stoicism is not the answer!

Have you and your Mum talked about it? She probably doesn't want you to defend her! And you shouldn't have to. But it is something that ends up happening when the parents are the children instead of the child. Your Mum needs the personal strenght to leave (or ask him to ). Which is often difficult to find with the confidence worn down in this way. And difficult to see how she will get on without the partner's financial support. But if she can stand this marriage she can stand anything!

Look after your self! You don't say how old you are. Maybe young enough that YOU still could do with looking after.

**RufflyRustic** · 25th January 2011, 10:39 AM

Any chance of getting your Mum into Counselling?

**The Bleeder** · 25th January 2011, 11:57 AM

Whether your mum is looking at you for support or not you stood up to him. Now it is time for you to support your mum.

Find a counsellor and they will know which support group would be best for her. She will need the support of the group as well as your support. This will allow her to make better/clearer decisions.

Leave the physical violence out of all of this. (Don't be the aggressor) If it starts to get out of hand get the police involved (AVO) and protect your mum. Get it all documented as you may need it later.

It's a hard road to go down but it will become easier as the support base kicks in.

**la Huerta** · 26th January 2011, 10:27 AM

thanks guys for you support

all is quiet here at the moment, mum is good but we are both keeping quiet...

he has been as quiet as a mouse.

i'm been doing some reading to try and figure out what the hell is wrong with this guys head, and from what i can gather so far i think this guy has something similar to an antisocial personality disorder.

are there any guys here that know a little bit about this?

i'll try and explain as best i can

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he has a big ego

seeks the approval of others, he tells everyone the same story about himself, no matter who they are, so everyone thinks highly of him, he wants everyone one to think he is the best and deserves so much. if one person does not approve and does not listen, it is almost traumatic to him, and he is effected for days.

he will but in on conversations so he becomes the center of attention.

he will manipulate people in conversation so they are always on his side

he cares very little about anyone, but in a situation, he will pretend to care and be this great guy to get more attention and so people think more highly of him

he is a pervert, but says that perving and that sort of stuff he never does and is just not interested.

he as you already know, likes to control my mum, by saying nasty things to bring her down, when she gets upset he feels no compassion

he feels no compassion about anyone close to my family and anyone he does not approve of, yet feels compassionate about somebodies story in the newspaper.

he feels no compassion for animals, i'm a dog person and so is mum, but he feels nothing and does not even pat my dog.

he is raciest, says he hates blacks, infact he seems to hate everyone these day that is not pure aussie, yet he will happily talk to any race of person, again he hates the fact that somebody might not like him.

love is not important to him at all, yet buying a boat and going sailing is

a lot of conversations in some way are about money, or somebody else's money and how much somebody makes or has.

if somebody is unsuccessful, he considers them a bum or looser, end of story, he has no compassion for how they may have become that way.

my opinion or mum's opinion mean nothing, yet he will happily take the opinion of a total stranger or someone from work.

him and mum work together in a cleaning business, i know a lot of the times he slacks off of deliberatly start talking to people to stall so mum has to do more work and pick up his slack, he has no compassion if mum has to work harder, yet he feels everyone has to be compassionate about him.

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...that's all i can think of for now, sounds like a nut job hey. yet everybody loves this guy and thinks highly of him.

any thoughts on this would be great.

thanks for listening

**Barry_White** · 26th January 2011, 12:00 PM

This to me seems like a typical case of Narcissism. Have a look here Narcissism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia I have a lady friend whose husband has those exact same traits and it was diagnosed as Narcissism.

**RufflyRustic** · 26th January 2011, 03:02 PM

I agree with Barry, I too, thought it sounded like narcissim.

La Huerta, it also sounds like there could be cycle of dependancy going on between your Mum and him. it sounds obvious, but what I mean is more insidious than the obvious. It's a cycle of stages, good bad good bad and it gets worse the longer it continues, such that eg your Mum gets something she needs from him but is so used to getting this need filled in a negative way, that the habit is a very hard one to identify and break. And of course, vice versa for him.

I don't think I've explained it very well, but maybe this will twig something for you and help in thinking in another direction.

Has your Mum acknowledged, identified, and named what is going on? Has your Mum ever said that she wants it to stop and wants help?

**Foo** · 29th January 2011, 02:26 PM

I know it's not the right thing to say but, I would have just simply said. If you continue to treat my mother this way or so much as lay a hand on her, then you will regret the day you ever laid eyes on me.

Just spoken in a quite and controlled voice.

But seriously, you mother needs to take the first steps in trying to fix problem or get out.

**hughie** · 25th March 2011, 11:53 AM

Sometimes stoicism is not the answer!

I think in this situation stoicism can never be the answer. The guy has head problems,controlling, wants her to be totally dependant on him and if she is not he may well up his antics to gain it.
Better off out of there quick smart and if needs a avo etc, but make the move as far as possible.

**dazzler** · 2nd June 2011, 07:16 PM

Hi La Huerta.

Get your mom out of there tomorrow. Just pack what she needs and leave and start fresh.

You only live once. My father was similar but not as bad. Mum was miserable for years and years, always talking about leaving but never did. Then she got cancer, died three weeks later and he had a replacement for her in two weeks.

Forget therapy, counselling or anything else. He wont change, your mum will stay miserable, and then her life will be over.

Just do it!

Wishing you the best.

**Bushmiller** · 2nd June 2011, 07:43 PM

No activity from La Huerta on this thread since 26 Jan. No forum activity since 4 Feb. I think LH is at least temporarily out of action.

I don't think further advice will be helpful until he returns.

I am sure everyone hopes all is well with him and his mum is well too.

Sad regards
Paul

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