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  1. #121
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    It all sounds very familiar and I don't like saying it to say it, but In many cases it will get worse for your mum and your family
    Yes the medical professionals have all said that will be some good days but it will be a downward spiral and we knew that would be the case. We tried to explain that to my brother and she seems fine when there are people around so I don't think he quite realises that when she was in a good mood for a week..that will not continue on a long time basis.

    That hip injury to your Mum which curtails her movement would also be frustrating her as you mentioned she loved to garden and likes to be on the move a fair bit.

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  3. #122
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    It all sounds very familiar and I don't like saying it to say it, but In many cases it will get worse for your mum and your family
    Yes the medical professionals have all said that will be some good days but it will be a downward spiral and we knew that would be the case. We tried to explain that to my brother and she seems fine when there are people around so I don't think he quite realises that when she was in a good mood for a week..that will not continue on a long time basis.

    That hip injury to your Mum which curtails her movement would also be frustrating her as you mentioned she loved to garden and likes to be on the move a fair bit.

  4. #123
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    Jun 2003
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    I know that it is easy to say but you must not let the situation get to you and take you down.
    My father died 27 years ago but was virtually bedridden for more than 5 years before that. It was distressing and I was angry to see this formerly very active man in this situation. It was getting to me until I realised that there was nothing that I could do to change the situation and could only support Mum in her care for him.
    It is also very important that all siblings are on the same page. I was fortunate that my sister and I had an agreement that if one was away, the other would be "in charge" and whatever decisions had to be made during that time would not be challenged even if we did not agree.
    Hope that helps.
    Tom

    "It's good enough" is low aim

  5. #124
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    I am lucky in that all my siblings get along and are on the same page as far as Mum is concerned. We all only want what is best for her and we all know that there is nothing we can do about her mental health other than keeping her safe, healthy in body and doing what ever she would like as long as it doesn't conflict with the previous conditions of safety & personal health.

    We look after her as best as we can and luckily we can have a laugh at the not so serious moments....my sister rang mum the other night. Mum was cheerful and said that she was the Chef for dinner that night. When asked what was on the menu, there was a long pause....Mum laughed and finally said "It's orange and it's in a tin". My sister and I laughed about it as we were taking bets that it could be anything from Pumpkin Soup to a can of paint.....

  6. #125
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    Just a short update on how dementia is affecting Mum.

    She has now lived with my brother for over 18 months and all seems to be going OK...she has had her ups & downs with 4 stents inserted into one of her heart arteries last March and a dose of Pneumonia along the way but she has pulled through her physical heath problems to still be with us @ 90 yo last October.

    Her memories are slowly fading and although she still remembers her children, you can tell that some other relatives have gone from her memory bank. She kept asking to go back home to her Unit for the first few months of living with my brother's family but that has past as well. It was a little sad when my brother informed me at her 90th birthday that recently she asked Mark (my brother) to sit beside her ...she was a little sad but asked my brother..."Where did I live before here ?, I can't remember " My brother said it didn't matter as this was her home now.

    Sad to think that she does not remember anything about where she lived for the past 20 years.

    Life goes on and we do what we can to make it as comfortable and safe as we can for her. She now considers my brother's house her safe place and even visits and short stays to my sisters' homes or mine evoke questions from her about when is she going home. Anything out of her safe environment now makes her nervous & upset.

  7. #126
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    Perth
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    Thanks for the update Skot. It sounds like you and mum are doing relatively well considering everything.

    My mum has been slowly becoming more and more paranoid and spiralling inwards and backwards in time, and is now firmly stuck in a pre-1950 Italian world. She genuinely thinks she still has a bed at her old family home where she lives with her mum and siblings. Mum occasionally get dressed up and tells staff she has to go to a funeral for someone that died in the 1940s. Mum thinks her children are her siblings even though she still usually calls us mostly by our proper names. A few times she has asked me to bring the horse and cart around to pick her and her luggage up so she can go home.

    Some really awkward personal hygiene issues have arisen in the last few months as she now stays in the same unbathed state and in the same clothes unless care home staff or we intervene and lately this has had to be done in an increasingly persuasive manner. As mum has always been an intensively private person she finds this very traumatic and accuses staff/us of assaulting her dignity and goes into a foul mood for days. I can now see where at least some of the possibly reported assaults arise in nursing homes.

    The latest is the staff discovered mum has been sometimes brushing her teeth with Vicks Vaporub. This explains the occasional "yucky mouth" she has been experiencing every now and then over the last few months. When this was pointed out to Mum she blamed the staff for putting the Vaporub into her toothpaste tube! This all just fuels her general paranoia.

    If I want to see Mum for more than 30 minutes I bring one of our dogs, or visit together with my brother and he brings his two dogs. Mum has never been an animal person but this seems to have changed as the presence of the dogs seems to calm her down and it gives us something to (repeated) talk about. Mum even lets one of my brothers dogs sit on her lap and she will stroke it for ages. Most of the other residents and staff LOVE the dogs and if we turn up without one a couple of staff will ask where they are.

  8. #127
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    Dec 2005
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    South Australia
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    Interesting read, up until now although my Mum is in permanent residential care there have been no real indications of dementia, just typical old age forgetfulness, however just is the last few weeks after a very severe bout of infection
    things seems to be going down hill fast, thinking she was living at a previous location, telling the staff that my Brother and Sister are coming to visit ( Sister died in 97, Brother died in 2001). Spent 2 days in hospital and I still can't convince her it was not two weeks so I guess we will see what transpires over time.

  9. #128
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    China,
    Sad to say but it may be the case that your Mum is starting down the dementia road.
    It starts with little things like you have mentioned and you will possibly notice a few more things over the near future.
    Loss of perception of time is a common symptom. After spending nearly 6 months at my brother's place, my mum told her Geriatrician that she has had a few weeks vacation at her son's place.

    Keep your spirits up and remember they do not do these strange things on purpose...they can't help it.

  10. #129
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    I was not going to post but thought as an update I will, sad news is my Mum passed away early hours Thursday morning, what ever caused the sudden change in her persona just kept going down hill, I believe there was more than just Dementia
    officially natural causes due to age.

  11. #130
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    Quote Originally Posted by China View Post
    I was not going to post but thought as an update I will, sad news is my Mum passed away early hours Thursday morning, what ever caused the sudden change in her persona just kept going down hill, I believe there was more than just Dementia
    officially natural causes due to age.
    Sorry to hear that. It sounds terrible but at times I wonder if this would be better for my mum as well. Her paranoia, confusion and discomfort are noticeably increasing every few months and she is continuously miserable. The times I see her without a grimace and haunted eyes are when she is eating an ice cream - she loves Cornetto's so we always offer he one when we take her out.

  12. #131
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    Yes she is in a better place whatever it is, other problems were stating to rear their ugly head, far better that she went now that lingered on in pain and total discomfort

  13. #132
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    Went to see Mum this morning after being away for a week. The first thing Mum usually asks is if I can take her to see her parents. I explained for the umpteenth time that they had died many years ago (in Italy, her dad 66 years ago and her mum about 10 years ago). This leads to a a number of anguished and distressed expressions, and questions like "Why has no one told me" etc. Then we talked about something else but 5 minutes later mum said "I don't understand why I can't go and see my mum". This time I decided to play the COVID card. I feel terrible doing that. A few minutes later mum says "Maybe my mum can come and see me?" etc etc.

    I tried asking her some questions about the Easter Day Lunch she attended at my brothers place but she could not remember going let alone who was there. I talk about our grandies, the dogs but we run out of topics really quickly. After 30 minute conversation is exhausted and exhausting. Mum starts to nod off - that's a sign she needs to have a lay down.

  14. #133
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    Mar 2008
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    Hobart, Tas
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    Bob, I have no experience with what you are going through with your mother, so please excuse me if the following is unhelpful.

    I listened to an ABC podcast a couple of days ago about the use of personalised music playlists improving the quality of life for dementia patients. You may find it of benefit.

    Music of memory

  15. #134
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    Quote Originally Posted by LanceC View Post
    Bob, I have no experience with what you are going through with your mother, so please excuse me if the following is unhelpful.

    I listened to an ABC podcast a couple of days ago about the use of personalised music playlists improving the quality of life for dementia patients. You may find it of benefit.

    Music of memory
    Thanks Lance, we've tried this a few times in different ways but mum was never one to listen to any sort of music even when she was much younger. Most of the family (9 siblings) is quite musical but that all came from Dad. A few years ago we found some northern Italian folk songs from the 30's, 40's and 50's which we put on an MP3 player. My sister said my dad used to sing many of these especially after a few drinks but mum said she'd never heard of any of them. I suspect she was annoyed by dad's (very minor) drinking and so she deliberately did not listen. One of the play lists we set up contained very famous popular songs like "O Sole Mio" , and later "Volare" and stuff from popular operas but they didn't do anything for her.

    The dementia care staff occasionally put on some old time music CDs and some of the residents really do respond to it. One resident sings his heart out on some of the lines in these tunes but when he starts up mum seems annoyed by it and goes elsewhere - everything seems to annoy her.

    Once a week at the dementia care community centre a reasonably talented piano player plays old songs and sings along for an hour but mum never goes to those sessions. Mum and one of my sisters did go few times to a "old hymn singalong" they put on in the chapel but she didn't sing and no longer goes.

    We have set up continuously running digital, and also some paper, photo albums, but I have never seen her looking at them. A few tims we get them out and go through them with her but all she is really interested in is, who's died, and did she go to funeral and why wasn't she told etc and it turns into arguments. Sometimes we go round to see her and she is "sort of dressed to go out" and says she has to go to a funeral of a relative that already passed usually decades ago.

    Mum can't follow any TV, doesn't read and her simultaneously stiff yet shaky hands don't allow her to do any of her handiwork. Fairly miserable existence really. One of the few positive things she does once week is fold loads of washed cloths (tea towels, napkins, table covers etc), she says she has to earn her keep.

  16. #135
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    BobL, your last three posts touched me. You are a good man.

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