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  1. #16
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    I feel your pain Bob, suppose i can look on the brighter side of things as my dad is 75 and has severe dementia to the point where he's wheelchair bound and has to be bottle fed essentially. The brighter side is that he cant do anything and definitely doesnt have the ability to get into screaming matches with anyone. He too is tough as old nails (we've been informed by doctors a year ago that he had two weeks to live at the time but he's still ticking on).

    I've been told that the best thing we can do is support them as best we can, maybe help her by installing basic retic/sun shade to keep her happy and minimise her doing any other harm to herself?

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  3. #17
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    Bob,

    We certainly feel your pain, understand the anguish and concerns within the family, and the guilt we all feel in not being able to be there 24/7. The reality is far removed from the old ABC show with Ruth Cracknell & Gary McDonald.

    Fortunately with my Mum she remained competent of mind but increasing physical frailty as time went on. Not sure which is worse the frustration of being mentally alert and vital in spirit but frail, or having dementia and sound physically?

    We kept a close relationship with her and even though she was fiercely independent and had serious medical conditions she would go crook on us if we kept to close an eye on her. Thankfully she faced the reality that it was becoming more of an issue for her, and an increasing burden upon us to support her, to be independent and living in her own home so we had the chat and then did the retirement living options search. After three years of living in a small village like rental accommodation for seniors complex she passed on peacefully in her sleep.

    We were sparred all the anguish that dementia etc places on families but had to deal with the frustration and the "why can't they just fix this (medical conditions)" that Mum would go through from time to time.

    I think the only option for your extended family is to find a supported care facility for your Mum, it will initially feel that you are "horrible kids" but it is the best for all as it removes most of the tensions within the family (imbalance of care support contributions etc.)
    Mobyturns

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  4. #18
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    Thank you everyone for you kind thoughts.

    I've just spent 3 hours with mum at my sisters place.
    It was raining so there was no watering the garden although mum did say she would have to go out and water when it stopped rain.

    I though about discussing the over watering issue in a rational/environmental manner but based on this "You might phrase it as "her brain is so damaged that she is cannot accept or benefit from advice." , I decided to not go there. We simply cannot have a rational discussion.

    When I arrived mum was still distressed about the latest interactions with several of my sisters. I had to sit through about a half hour tirade about each sibling and what they are and are not doing to mum and then I managed to get mum on the old time bandwagon. Once I got mum started she only came back to the present for a few minutes. We mainly covered the period from about 1935 to about 1955 with multiple repeats of some stories. I found out how she met dad and their first "date" - a walk with a group of friends along a canal footpath . I try to get mum talking about her dad who was a black smith and local horse wrangler. Anyway, I did get a couple of smiles out of her and when I left she said thanks for distracting her from her problems.

  5. #19
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    Hi Bob
    just to pick up on one of your comments -- "we simply cannot have a rational discussion" -- I believe that you and your siblings need to just totally accept this and move on.
    Short of shackling your mother to a post, you will not stop her desire to be outside doing something "essential" in the garden. The over watering might best be addressed by a flow limiter or even using a timer to turn the water off entirely -- your mother will think it is some conspiracy, but you need to consider both your sister's fiances including the likely consequences should Perth introduce water restrictions. During the last long Sydney drought, behavior like your mother's would have resulted in a substantial fine if not gaol time for your sister.

    I think that from here on you really should be focusing on the carer sister's welfare.

  6. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by ian View Post
    Hi Bob just to pick up on one of your comments -- "we simply cannot have a rational discussion" -- I believe that you and your siblings need to just totally accept this and move on.
    Some of us have accepted this but others try in vain to keep explaining things to her. Last Sunday mum complained about getting pins and needles - she said it was teh first time she had it but that was not true. I attempted to explain the pins and needles to her, not a chance, mum accuses my sister of poisoning her. Yesterday I spent 3+ hours with mum and did not attempt to explain a thing.

    Short of shackling your mother to a post, you will not stop her desire to be outside doing something "essential" in the garden. The over watering might best be addressed by a flow limiter or even using a timer to turn the water off entirely -- your mother will think it is some conspiracy, but you need to consider both your sister's fiances including the likely consequences should Perth introduce water restrictions. During the last long Sydney drought, behavior like your mother's would have resulted in a substantial fine if not gaol time for your sister. I think that from here on you really should be focusing on the carer sister's welfare.
    Absolutely. My sister has already had a couple of letters from the water authority flagging increased water usage and asking her to "check for a possible leaks".
    Another sister is taking mum to be assessed for a spot in a high care dementia facility today. Mum condition is probably not advanced enough so I don't think mum will get this place but its worth a try. We're look at a couple respite care places later today..

  7. #21
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    this
    Quote Originally Posted by BobL View Post
    mum accuses my sister of poisoning her.
    is something I suggest you discuss with a medical professional.
    I don't like to mention this, but your mother sounds fit and agile enough to potentially act on this apprehension
    regards from Alberta, Canada

    ian

  8. #22
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    We live with my MIL at her invitation. Moved from Sydney to do so. She has declined hard since and is sliding quite willfully into dementia.

    As a person she is fantastically lazy and unbelievably entitled. She absolutely believes society "owes her one" despite the fact she achieved and did nothing her entire life.

    We spoke at length, many times, to a specialist geriatric practitioner. He is regarded by his peers as the best in his field. His statement to us simplicity itself: "They have to want to change and they never want to change".

    His advice was to literally ignore absolutely everything. Think you can help? You can't. Think you can change their minds? You can't. Think you can offer advice? You can't.

    You will only burn yourself out.

    The comment about being masters at manipulating their children is exactly correct.

    Our society needs a better solution. The cost is too high.

  9. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by ian View Post
    this
    is something I suggest you discuss with a medical professional.
    One of my brothers and 4 of the sisters have attended the Alzheimers Carers workshop where we discussed this. Interesting to see/hear that they could not offer much that doesn't come down to supervising her 24/7 ie full time care.

    I don't like to mention this, but your mother sounds fit and agile enough to potentially act on this apprehension
    Mum's strong belief system (she goes to church every day) counteracts this to some extent. I'm a bit more concerned about things like self harm with pills etc these have been removed removed from her control as she was getting her meds mixed up.

    Mums primary paranoia is around the loss of stuff she had hoarded at her place before mum moved to my sisters place. Mum had 74 towels squirrelled away in cupboards, and we moved 20 of them to my sisters place, there were 2 dozen pairs of gardening shoes and we let mum select 3 pairs to take with her. Mum has forgotten how many things she took to my sisters place and goes looking for, eg the green floral towels and can't find them and thus accuses various sisters of stealing them. We tried to appeal to mums strong sense of charity and said all the extra towels were sent to Vinnies, but mum said she should have selected which ones should have gone to Vinnies. We tried this with various items of Mums, we'd let her make a selection and after a week of constantly handling eg the towels, mum had placed nearly all of them on the "take to my sisters" pile. Then an endless round of arguments that lasted for months took place just over the f----ing towels, not to mention the arguments over sheets etc.

    While mum was still at her place over a year we started cleaning out her small shed, most of which was rubbish that dad had accumulated for 40 years and had been in the shed for 20 years after dad had passed away. With mum on hand to discuss each item we painstakingly sorted through some items and would put a few in her rubbish bin each time, but when we would go back the next week most of the stuff that was put in the bin was back in the shed and we'd repeat the process the following weekend. If we had worked through every item like this we'd be there for an eternity. We sought advice and it was recommended that we move mum to my sisters place and sort the stuff out later. We took about a dozen van loads of furniture, electrical (7 pedestal fans), linen, crockery, cooking utensils, pot plants etc to various charities - there was no way this was going to all fit at my sisters place. Within a few weeks mum started looking for things that had not made the transfer and that's when the paranoia started.

    The clean up was a sad process. 3 ute loads of garden related stuff like broken and half filled pot plants, pieces of brick and concrete, boxes of rags, old clothing and shoes (nothing was ever chucked out) sticks and rotting wood etc were taken to the tip. We estimated that there were over 1000 viable pot plants at mum's place and we took over 50 of the better ones which mum selected to my sisters place. Of course mum still thinks that a lot more than this were taken to my sisters place and now she thinks these have been stolen.

  10. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by BobL View Post
    Another sister is taking mum to be assessed for a spot in a high care dementia facility today. Mum condition is probably not advanced enough so I don't think mum will get this place but its worth a try. We're look at a couple respite care places later today..
    Always remember that she might present well to an assessor so you or your sister/s must never be afraid to speak up and tell the story as it is or the true situation will not be seen.
    Tom

    "It's good enough" is low aim

  11. #25
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    Sorry to hear about your situation Bob, must be very challenging to deal with. My mum’s mum has started down the same path and it’s quite upsetting, she really needs someone there to keep an eye on her but mum can only be there so often and conversations around other living situations haven’t gone well. It’s looking more and more like she’ll move in with Mum and Dad but I honestly worry about their mental and physical well-being once that happens.

  12. #26
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    Thanks again to everyone for the feedback.

    Quote Originally Posted by Chesand View Post
    Always remember that she might present well to an assessor so you or your sister/s must never be afraid to speak up and tell the story as it is or the true situation will not be seen.
    Yes we have seen this.

    This morning my sisters took mum to be assessed for a place in a nearby dementia care facility which was equal first on out preferred list.
    Fortunately the assessor knows my sister and mum was in a foul mood and the assessor picked up one what was going on.
    The good news is mum has been accepted but we still have to move her there, we're going to try early next week.

  13. #27
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    Hopefully your Mum settles in well, relieving a lot of strain on the family.
    Kryn
    To grow old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

  14. #28
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    Hi Bob,

    My family went through something similar just over a year ago with my mother going into aged care with demnetia at the age of 86.

    My mum was nowhere near as active as yours seems to be which possibly made her less prone to cause problems but she had been a full-time job for Dad for the previous three years.

    Bob, be aware that for my mother, the settling in period at the aged care facility was a very stressful time for our family. She became very uncooperative. She fell out of bed a few times and was covered in bruises. Family members thought she was being abused by the staff but that was not the case. I guess that what I am saying is that "it aint over yet".

    Having said that, I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible and she settles in well. I suggest you and your family perpare for a bumpy ride and if it is anything less than that consider it a blessing.

    As an aside, once Mum was in aged care I had to try to help Dad find other interests to fill in his day as he had been literally doing something for Mum every few minutes of the day for the past three years. He is doing well now and has gotten a lot of his own health back.

    Good luck

    Doug
    I got sick of sitting around doing nothing - so I took up meditation.

  15. #29
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    Thanks Kryn and Doug,



    My sister and I dropped around to the aged care facility this afternoon to submit paper work and the deposit. I’ve seen the facility before and I am happy with it. They operate with a Montessori philosophy and involve the residents as much as possible in the day to day running of the place. As mum is still quite fit and likes to keep busy I’m hoping it will work out for her.

    I agree this is just step one of a multi step process - we went through most of this with the FIL.
    Seeing as all 4 of my sisters that live locally and have the most to do with mum are all in the dog house it has been left to me to tell mum tomorrow that she is moving early next week.
    Then when we move her we're looking at getting two of my brothers to come along as well - that way the sisters don't get all the crap heaped on them.
    Which ever way I look at it, it ain't going to be pretty.

  16. #30
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    Bob, at least there will be plenty of company in the dog house. Never an easy task.
    Mobyturns

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