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  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mobyturns View Post
    Bob, at least there will be plenty of company in the dog house. Never an easy task.
    Yeah no shortage of company there. We all get on pretty well too which helps.

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  3. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mobyturns View Post
    Bob, at least there will be plenty of company in the dog house.
    Quote Originally Posted by BobL View Post
    Yeah no shortage of company there.
    reminds me of this clip https://youtu.be/Twivg7GkYts



    to inject a lighter note
    regards from Alberta, Canada

    ian

  4. #33
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    Nov 2006
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    Bob my mother has advanced dementia...no longer recognises me as an adult but strangely remembers me as a baby
    She apparently asks the nursing staff if I am in my crib and sleeping ...her mind is deeply rooted in the past,not the present!
    Visiting her now is quite confronting and emotional for me...takes me some time to recover unfortunately
    She is stuck in a place of bleakness...surrounded by folk with similar problems
    It is a world devoid of joy or hope sadly...4 walls and a bed,that's it!
    She achieved great things in her life and travelled the world
    Dementia is akin to walking into a wall...one advances no further
    She loved gardening with a passion...just like your Mum does
    Afford her the luxury to 'potter' in the garden Bob...and allow her to over water it...if the plants die,get her new ones...she's worth it!
    ALL Mums are worthy...cherish the little time you have with her...no matter the inconvenience...no matter the irritation
    She's your Mum!
    Nursing homes are an absolute LAST resort I.M.O
    Wish her and of course your family the very best in dealing with your Mum's health going forward
    HOME is where the heart is...MM
    Mapleman

  5. #34
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    Thanks fellas.

    Well I did it and there was no drama.

    Yesterday an elderly relative passed away and all mum wanted to talk about was that. After about 15 minutes of this I told her about the move next week. She was quiet for about 10 seconds and then went straight back to talking about the elderly relative. I proffered a few simple reasons for the move and how we would support her with it, but mum didn't really engage.

    Then we talked about the same old time stuff she talked about on Wednesday for an hour or so over a cup of tea before I had to go.
    Some of the stories are quite amazing, like, during WWII, hiding the AWOL cousin from the Germans under her mum's bed while the partisans and germans had a ding dong shooting match outside their farmhouse. Fortunately the germans chased after the partisans and the cousin escaped that time. Eventually the cousin was captured and hung from a lamp post in town. The nearby village that was burned to the ground with the entire population take away in cattle trucks never to be seen again after a german officer was shot by the partisans while driving through the village. And lots more.

    I'm not sure the move has really sunk in yet. We'll find out as soon as some of the practicalities need to be discussed.

  6. #35
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    Bob, unfortunately I don't think there is anything to be discussed with your mum.
    Either the move into care is for your sister's respite or it's permanent. From what you have conveyed, you and your sibling's intention is that the move is permanent.
    Your mum will be able to take a limited quantity of stuff with her, but in reality, the rest of it will need to be disposed of.
    regards from Alberta, Canada

    ian

  7. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by ian View Post
    Bob, unfortunately I don't think there is anything to be discussed with your mum.
    I agree - one cannot have a rational discussion with mum. I used the term "discussed" as a general term for mum initiating anything related to the move. We can say things to mum but until she speaks about the topic in her own words we have no idea if it has sunk in. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it registers as completely different to what we intended and other times we might as well have been talking in Chinese.

    Mum's thoughts and concerns often are often dominated by her stuff. Whether mum understands or not we have to give her a chance to suggest what stuff she wants to take, which will be different tomorrow, and the day after that, and two weeks down the track. Initially my sisters will choose most of the stuff anyway.

    Either the move into care is for your sister's respite or it's permanent. From what you have conveyed, you and your sibling's intention is that the move is permanent.
    Your mum will be able to take a limited quantity of stuff with her, but in reality, the rest of it will need to be disposed of.
    Sure but there in need for us to dispose of any of mum's current stuff right away in case she does remember something and wants it brought in. The tricky part will be if mum thinks about something she no longer has and then when i cannot be provided accuses one of us of stealing it. My sister doesn't need mums room so it can stay in limbo with all mum's stuff in it until mum completely forgets she has stuff in it.

  8. #37
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    BobL, I wish you well. Maybe tell mum she is going on a holiday at a special resort.

    To BobL and other posters, thank you for bring up the subject and talking about it. There is no simple or easy solution. Eveyone ages differently. I hope I remain with healthy mind and body.

  9. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by Handyjack View Post
    BobL, I wish you well. Maybe tell mum she is going on a holiday at a special resort..
    I wish.
    I just found out that after I left telling mum, mum must have finally put two and two together and then laid verbally into the carer sister, left, right and centre.
    There's no winners here

    To BobL and other posters, thank you for bring up the subject and talking about it. There is no simple or easy solution. Eveyone ages differently. I hope I remain with healthy mind and body.
    Yeah it's all a bit disturbing and it does need to come out more than it has.
    One of the worst thing for me was going to the Alzheimer workshops and hearing about the numbers of early onset Alzheimers patients that are cropping up. About half the carers attending the workshops we're looking after family members that were less than 50 years old.

  10. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by BobL View Post
    There's no winners here
    Definitely a no-win scenario.

    A year and a half after her being admitted to the aged care facility, Dad still visits Mum every day. Even though she cannot get out of bed without assistance, every day she tells Dad that she is better than him and he is the one that should be in there. Dad is still living independently with minimal assistance and still has all his marbles at 87 and she can't sit up n bed without assistance but she still wants out of there.
    I got sick of sitting around doing nothing - so I took up meditation.

  11. #40
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    Sorry to hear about your mum/dad Doug.

    The phone calls, emails and SMSs have been running thick and fast between the siblings this evening. Just gotta help my carer sister get through the next few days.

  12. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by BobL View Post
    The phone calls, emails and SMSs have been running thick and fast between the siblings this evening. Just gotta help my carer sister get through the next few days.
    perhaps have the carer sister move out and you and/or another sibling move in for those few days.

    by the sound of things your sister must be near collapse.
    regards from Alberta, Canada

    ian

  13. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by ian View Post
    perhaps have the carer sister move out and you and/or another sibling move in for those few days.
    by the sound of things your sister must be near collapse.
    Yes my sis is distraught. One of my sisters (bouncer) son, and another son are back in town and staying with her. They gets on well with their Nonna so hopefully they can distract her a bit. The siblings are each doing a morning/afternoon of Nonna sitting for a few days.

  14. #43
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    Oct 2013
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    Hope things improve mate. It’s a no win situation but from the sounds of things is the right move for your mums well being. If you need my ute or another pair of hands for moving stuff just give me a shout, you’ve helped me out more times than I can count so happy to help.

  15. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by bueller View Post
    Hope things improve mate. It’s a no win situation but from the sounds of things is the right move for your mums well being. If you need my ute or another pair of hands for moving stuff just give me a shout, you’ve helped me out more times than I can count so happy to help.
    Thanks Dan that is very kind of you. The amount of stuff that mum will be moving will probably fit in 2 suitcases so we should be OK.

  16. #45
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    Jul 2003
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    Thanks BobL for bringing up this subject...in comparison to other experiences here, I am only at the start of my Mum's journey. She is 88, lives alone and can still take care of herself but the signs have been there for about a year now.

    Repeating the same story over and over within a half hour visit, confusion when paying bills and phone calls with her feeling sad and lonely (I visit her every day as I only live 2 minutes away). I know it is a one way trip and it will only get worse but my sister and I have the attitude that one small step at a time may be best.

    She talks about being a burden to me but that is not the case, whatever she wants is OK with me. After several times of attempting phone banking and messing it up, she rings me in tears and tells me she has stuffed and up. I tell her that there is not a problem and I can sort it out. Luckily she realises that her memory is fading and confusion is often so she willingly agreed just last week for me to have access to her bank account so that I can do the Bill paying over the internet and she never has to worry about whether the bill is paid on time.

    I feel for yourself and especially your carer sister. My mum has sworn that she never wants family to take her in as she had to put up with her MIL living in our house for about 15 years and doesn't want to foist that on her children.

    All the best for you and your family and I can only think that tackling each problem that arises in small steps may be the way to go. Major changes quickly can cause major confusion for your Mum.

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