Thread: Old Friends

Here are some Old friends courtesy of Bob Smalser over at Sawmill Creek:
Tools for the Home Shop
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "You %&*%R"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. Also an effective substitute for a wrench.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ? socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.? Primarily used it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Durnit Tool Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DURNNIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.




Regards from Tele Point
SG

A few More:

Router: - see table saw.

Grinder: For making blunt blades just a touch or a whole lot blunter. Also said to be useful for attempting to hide welding mistakes but requires purchase of complete new set of steel parts to restart welding project. See also wire wheel.

Chainsaw: useful for making sawdust quickly or drawing attention to your neighbor that he has used the leafblower just a touch too long into your saturday evening Family BBQ event.

Set Square: A multipurpose tool often used for opening and closing paint cans where by it then becomes useful for converting right angles into any other.

Pop-riveter: A device used to install pop rivets loosely so you need to use the (see) electric drill

Face shield: An initially transparent shield made of a soft plastic that scratches so easily that it is guaranteed to impair your vision after 3 wears and enables you to place fingers and other body parts inappropriately around other power tools.

Bench vice: A device guaranteed to slow project progress by always locating its handle immediately in front of the drawer underneath such that you cannot open the drawer and access a tool inside. Also useful for cracking nuts and knuckles.

You guys been in my workshop again

Bench grinder-large half ton object designed to mix paint when switched on
Spoke shaver. curved blade with handles. good for HWMNBO toenails
Draw knife.Cutting watermelon but dont tell thumbsucker
Straight edge. What?
Strange block of wood with pin sticking out, I have absolutly no idea what this is good for

Astrid

Well done fellas.

Here are a few more from Sawmill Creek:

SOCKET CHISEL: Originally named the "sock chisel," because, when the humidity drops, the chisel will attempt to reach the sock on the foot it hits when it falls off the handle.

BUTT CHISEL: Do NOT put this chisel in the back pocket of your jeans.

DRAWKNIFE: A tool designed to determine grain direction quickly by causing a split that runs past the layout lines right into the prettiest part of the board with one stroke.

SKEW PLANE: Used when one wants to take a pretty much perfect surface out of skew.

FINISHING HAMMER: Not to be confused with our framing hammers. A finishing hammer is used when one wants only small divets on fine furniture projects.

CUTTOFF BIN: A place to put the reminents of the perfectly figured board when we cut it wrong 3 times.

PARING CHISEL: After careful honing this tool is understood by wives and children to have been manufactured solely for the purpose of opening paint cans.

GREY IRON PLANE BODY: Invented just prior to concrete, and thought to be unbreakable.

MARKING KNIFE: A tool designed to stray repeatedly from every known straight edge, leaving an erratic line 1/4 inch away from the intended path

band saw: Tool primarily used to turn perfectly good stock, (i. e. Tiger maple, bird's eye etc), like 8/4 or even logs, into thin slivers of kindling.

DC : Contrary to what these letters imply (dust control); a rather large apparatus composed of various lengths of conduit or ducting, a motor and impeller, used to create comfortable homes for squirrels at strategic points along the ducting.

Happy smirking
SG

Oi,
Guys is OK,
But Fella

Astrid

Originally Posted by astrid

Oi,
Guys is OK,
But Fella

Astrid

Oops! Sorry Astrid, I pondered this before posting, but you write like a bloke, and I knew a bloke named Vivian once, so I thought I might be right. Just goes to show..... Astrid really isn't a fella's name after all.
Of course there was that bloke named Sue that Johnny Cash used to sing about, and then there's old mate Marion who had to change his name to John Wayne. But...........Doh!
So..... mucho apologetico Astrido!
Regards from Tele Point
SG