Thread: Bad Day

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.
After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.
It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of **** sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass tarted to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realised what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast.
Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonising in-water decompression stops totalling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't **** for two days because my ass hole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make more tolerable.

Good one Cliff.


Al

Originally Posted by Cliff Rogers

In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

Does that qualify as a "bummer"?

Cheers!
Steve B

Originally Posted by Cliff Rogers

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make more tolerable.

Hi cliff,

That's just !

Cheers!
Steve B

All very funny!
However, just being pedantic here (as I am wont to do), if the diver was wearing a brass helmet he would've been wearing a dry suit, so no jellyfish bits pumped in. Sorry about that, but on the other hand who am I to let the truth stand in the way of a good story!

Mick

Good one, Cliff!

Don't let that Mick spoil your story. He's probably been drinking Jinnantonix again!

Some years ago, there was a fire fighters' strike in the UK. The government set up a standby service using the army. They provided them with a fleet of old WWII fire engines that had been mothballed in 1945. These things were green and known as Green Goddesses.

In a small town in Somerset, a platoon of squaddies had been on duty without a single shout for about three weeks when they took a call from an old lady. Her cat was stuck up a tree and she wanted to know if the army boys could help.

The sergeant asked the platoon commander, a lieutenant. The young officer thought it would not only be a good exercise to keep his troops from getting bored but would be good PR for the regiment so he ordered the Green Goddess to hit the street.

The venerable machine clattered off to the old lady's cottage, bell ringing, with about 20 squaddies hanging off it, pursued by every small boy within a five-mile radius.

The soldiers stuck a ladder up against the tree. A trooper swarmed up it, reached out towards the recalcitrant moggie and was duly scratched. The moggie ran down the tree into the waiting arms of the little old lady, who was suitably grateful and invited all the boys indoors for tea and bikkies.

The officer thought this could do no harm. After a lot of goodwill, mugs of tea and McVitie's Digestives all round, the squaddies climbed back aboard the Green Goddess. The little old lady waved them off with a lace hanky, tears of gratitude in her eyes.

The fire engine zoomed down the driveway and ran over the cat! :eek:

Originally Posted by Driver

....down the driveway and .....

F'n pearler. Still laughing...

Originally Posted by journeyman Mick

All very funny!
However, just being pedantic here (as I am wont to do), if the diver was wearing a brass helmet he would've been wearing a dry suit, so no jellyfish bits pumped in. Sorry about that, but on the other hand who am I to let the truth stand in the way of a good story!

Mick

Sorry Mick, but in extremities of cold and hot water dry suits are heated or cooled with an external source of water from 'above'.
We used to do exercises with divers in different parts of the world and this kept them going for a few hours rather than minutes, however, it is still a good story, despite a jellyfish having trouble getting through the filtration system, but, to quote tour good self, but on the other hand who am I to let the truth stand in the way of a good story

Why'd you have to specify that all the hot water came from 'above' Iain?

Richard

Depends upon how many crew members are available at the time :eek:

Clifff, was it a blue ring...er, octopus I mean...

I still laughed, despite these persinickity children born out of wedlock.


Cheers...............Sean, diver dan

Originally Posted by scooter

Clifff, was it a blue ring....

It's wasn't mine, even if it was, how would I know?

Ooooo..... just thought about that... fancy giving yourself a 'blue eye' in the mirror.... :eek: