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29th August 2005, 03:11 PM #1
Senior Member
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- May 2003
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- Stirling, ACT
- Age
- 59
- Posts
- 123
A collection of truly awful one-liners
I got this lot this morning from a certain federal minister's advisor - be warned!!!
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
**********
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.
**********
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
**********
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
**********
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
**********
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."
**********
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
**********
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
**********
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
*********************
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
**********
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
**********
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then check his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
**********
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
**********
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too
high.'
**********
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
**********
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
nuts & hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
**********
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
**********
Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
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29th August 2005 03:11 PM # ADSGoogle Adsense Advertisement
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- Advertising world
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29th August 2005, 03:29 PM #2
Retired and loving it
- Join Date
- Jan 2002
- Location
- Yinnar, Victoria, Australia
- Age
- 66
- Posts
- 1,277
A horse walked into a bar
the barman said "why the long face?"
*************
a blind man walked into a barI try and do new things twice.. the first time to see if I can do it.. the second time to see if I like it
Kev
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29th August 2005, 04:09 PM #3
Im here now, Damn it!
- Join Date
- Jul 2003
- Location
- Near Bodgy, AlexS, Wongo & CraigB
- Age
- 18
- Posts
- 2,666
A messy bit of rope walks into a bar,
the barman says "are you a bit of string? we dont serve string in this here pub"
the rope says "Afraid not"
********************
Bruce is tinkering with his car in the carpark of the local,
Sheila walks past and says "Whatcha doing Bruce ?"
Bruce sez, "Piston broke"
Sheila replies, "Yeah I know but what are you doing?"
********************Zed
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29th August 2005, 04:54 PM #4
Ox and Herdsman Vanished
- Join Date
- May 2005
- Location
- Eden Hills, South Australia
- Age
- 63
- Posts
- 3,458
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"
A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
http://funny2.com/bar.htm
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them . . . well, I have others.
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29th August 2005, 06:12 PM #5
Retired and loving it
- Join Date
- Jan 2002
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- Yinnar, Victoria, Australia
- Age
- 66
- Posts
- 1,277
Hey Daddles
A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligatorI try and do new things twice.. the first time to see if I can do it.. the second time to see if I like it
Kev
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30th August 2005, 10:59 AM #6
Grumpy old Bugga
- Join Date
- May 2003
- Location
- South Oz, the big smokey bit in the middle
- Age
- 67
- Posts
- 4,377
I'm not that mean to animals, even alligators.
Originally Posted by Brudda
Hey Daddles
A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator
As for the rest of you, at your ages, you should be ashamed
Dammit, I giggled and got meusli all over the keyboard
Richard
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30th August 2005, 12:03 PM #7
Novice
- Join Date
- Jul 2004
- Location
- Sydney
- Posts
- 11
Did my baby seal overstep the mark? Zed liked it.
David
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30th August 2005, 09:47 PM #8
Retired
- Join Date
- May 1999
- Location
- Tooradin,Victoria,Australia
- Age
- 73
- Posts
- 11,918
Some didn't. Originally Posted by davidt
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31st August 2005, 01:34 PM #9
GOLD MEMBER
- Join Date
- May 2003
- Location
- Melbourne, Victoria
- Age
- 49
- Posts
- 1,945
If that's the baby seal joke I'm thinking of, then some people are truly pathetic. :mad:
DanIs there anything easier done than said?- Stacky. The bottom pub, Cobram.
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31st August 2005, 04:46 PM #10
GOLD MEMBER
- Join Date
- Oct 2002
- Location
- NSW
- Posts
- 1,610
A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a Bundy and ...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Coke"
The bartender says "why the long pause?"
The bear says "I was born with them"
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31st August 2005, 08:42 PM #11
Old Phart
- Join Date
- Aug 2004
- Location
- Tasmania
- Posts
- 597
A Giraffe walks into a bar to celebrate and says " The Hi-balls are on me"
If you can do it - Do it! If you can't do it - Try it!
Do both well!
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31st August 2005, 09:28 PM #12
Wood Wrecker
- Join Date
- Jan 2004
- Location
- Over there a bit
- Age
- 17
- Posts
- 2,511
I don't know the baby seal one, someone PM me please
Boring signature time again!
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1st September 2005, 08:46 AM #13
Novice
- Join Date
- Jul 2004
- Location
- Sydney
- Posts
- 11
DanP and outback,
please check your PMs.
David
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1st September 2005, 12:29 PM #14
Wood Wrecker
- Join Date
- Jan 2004
- Location
- Over there a bit
- Age
- 17
- Posts
- 2,511
Thanks for the PM, I guess some people don't like underage drinkers.
Boring signature time again!
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2nd September 2005, 11:58 AM #15
Jolly Jack Tar (retired)
- Join Date
- May 2000
- Location
- Clovelly Park SA
- Age
- 54
- Posts
- 729
A grasshopper walks into a bar.
The barman says, "We've got a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says, "What, Kevin?"Greatest Movie Quote Ever: "Its good to be the king!"____________________________
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