Thread: Genuine Woodies Joke Competition

Jeeeezzzzz!!!!

Can't any of you lot think of a genuine woodies joke........ Strewth!

I don't know if they qualify as woodies jokes, but there are quite a lot of definitions pertaining to wood work around.Perhaps I could start something with a few

Tool Rest 1)The time taken by a blunt chisel to cool down.(2)where a tool goes for a holiday.

Drill Press A device that rips stock out of you hand then whacks you for letting go.

Grinding A process in which visible bits (sparks) usually go downwards while invisible bits (shrapnel) always fly upwards and hit you in the face.

Kerf What you do when you hit your finger with a hammer.

Hammer The perfect screwdriver.

Saw What you are after ripping six feet of 4x2.

Tenon Saw A serrated piece of flat steel with a handle, ideal for the study of rust.

Jack Plane Jack owns the plane.

German Jack Plane Jack from Germany owns the plane.

Jig Woodies dance to celebrate when everything goes right.

Cast Iron The metal that is so strong it breaks if you drop it.

Glue The black marks on you finished job.

John H.

After competing in the equestrian events at the Melbourne show we have two sore horses, do they qualify?

Heres some,

...If your Troubles are Plentiful...
...And your Rewards are Few...
...Remember The Mighty Oak...
...Was Once A Nut Like You...

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Old Jake had cut firewood by hand with a swede saw for a living going on 50 years, he averaged about four cords a day. His son was home from college and watching him work remarked, "You could probably cut 10 times as much if you bought yourself a chainsaw."

" Not interested in those new fangled things," Jake responded.

His son returned to college and Jake began to think that maybe the young guy was right, his old body seemed to ache more and more at the end of the day, He went into town and bought a brand new top of the line chainsaw.

The first couple days were not very productive, he only cut one cord each day, by the third day he had cut 3 cords but was dead tired. " This is not working, " he thought to himself, " My son said I should be able to cut 10 cords a day, I'm taking this stupid thing back."

The next day he was in the hardware store complaining to the sales clerk about his lack of production.

" Blade seems a little dull, but not that bad, lets start it up," the clerk muttered as he pulled the starting cord.

" What the hell is that noise?" Jake hollered.

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One night a wife saw her husband standing over the baby's crib.

She stood watching him silently, he looked down with mixed emotions, disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, and skepticism.

She slipped her arm around him, "Penny for your thoughts?" she whispered.

"It's amazing, how can they make a crib like that for $49.99?"

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A scrawny little carpenter is sitting at the bar having a beer, a big burly goof walks in and WHACK, smacks the little carpenter on the ear knocking him off his stool.

"That was a karate chop from Korea," the big goof laughs as he sits down and orders a beer.

No sooner had the little carpenter settled himself back on the stool, when the big goof stands up and WHACK, smacks him on the other ear knocking him off the stool again.

"That was a judo chop from Japan," he laughs going back to his beer.

The little guy gets up, dusts himself off and leaves the bar.

He returns a couple minutes later, walks up behind the big goof, WHACK, knocks him out cold.

"When he comes to tell him that was a wrecking-bar from Hardware House," he grins to the bartender as he leaves.

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Tom and Bob are framing a house, Bob notices Tom throwing away about every second nail,

" What are you doing?" he asks.

" The heads are on the wrong end," Tom replies.

" You idiot, save them for the other side," Bob retorts.

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Pat sends Mike to the lumberyard , "Need twenty 4 X 2's," he says to the yardman.

" Guess you mean 2 X 4's," he grins, " How long do you want them?"

" Dunno for sure, but it will be a while, he's building a garage."

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A guy is working on a steep roof and starts to slide down out of control.

" Help me God," he cries

A large nail catches on his overalls and stops his decent.

" Never mind God, a nails got me," he sighs with relief.

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Old timer is looking at tools at the local building supply store, he picks up a hammer.

" Don't make these like they used to," he tells the salesman, " I've had the same one for over fifty years, just had to replace the handle six times and the head twice."

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Fred was getting along in age and decided to go to the doctor for a check up. Due to years of using power tools in his shop he was deaf as a door nail so he had his wife accompany him.

" I will need a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample for some tests," the doctor informed him.

" What's he saying ?" he asked his wife.

" Says he wants your underwear for some tests,"

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A New Zealand logging company needed to hire another lumberjack, the first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.

"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.

" Okay," the manager replied, " Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there,"

Two minutes later he was back at the managers office, " Trees cut, do I get the job?"

" I don't beleive it, that is so much faster than even my best lumberjack could have done it, where did you learn to use an axe like that ?" the manager inquired.

" Sahara Forest," the little guy replied.

" Don't you mean the Sahara Desert," the manager corrected him.

" Sure that's what they call it now."

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Bob had a lot of work ahead of him so decided to hire a part time helper.

" Your first job will be to sweep up the sawdust." he said handing him a broom.

" Look I'm practically a university graduate," the young man protested.

" No problem, I'll show you how," Bob replied.

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Little Jimmy was bored so his mother sent him across the street to watch the carpenters building a new house.

Jimmy was gone about 2 hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he learned.

Jimmy replied, "Well first you put the God damn door up. Then the son-of-a-b***h doesn't fit, now you have to take the c**k sucker back down. Then you have to trim each side and put the b*****d back up."

Jimmy's mother said, "That's disgusting talk, you wait till your dad gets home!"

When Jimmy's dad got home, mom told him to ask Jimmy what he learned across the street. Jimmy told him the whole story.

Dad said, "Jimmy, you go outside and get a switch!"

Jimmy replied, "Screw you, that's the electrician's job!"

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A woodworker had three girl friends, he liked each of them in their own way and could not decide which of them to propose marriage to. Finally he decided to give each of them $5000 to see how they would spend it.

The first prospect gave him the title to some land, " I purchased this treed property and also planted seedlings on it so you will have timber for your projects forever."

The second one arrived with a delivery van, " I have purchased all the extra tools that you have often wished for, now you will be able to easily make anything that you want."

The third one presented him with a box of business cards, " This is a galley that I opened for you to sell your crafts, so you will always have a source of income."

He thought long and hard about the three girls and the purchases that they made, finally he proposed to the one with the biggest boobs.

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Just a few I have.

Cheers

Shane..



[This message has been edited by Shane Watson (edited 06 October 2000).]

John - Good stuff mate. You've done well.

Shane - You're a bloody little ripper son. Sorry mate, not so little, ripper. Legend!!! You're not, just a great polisher with a great body and a pretty face. You also have comedic depth beyond belief. (What an absolute load of horse sh*t)

Well done guys. You two have single handedly put the rest to shame.

Shame, shame, shame.

Iain - if that's the best you can do, then I guess you've done your best and that is all we can ask for.

Cheers - Neil

[This message has been edited by ubeaut (edited 07 October 2000).]

Thats funny Neil - Thats exactly what all the girls say to me too

Would have posted them earlier but the damn computor blew up a couple of weeks ago and only got it back yesterday.... Not to worry.

Cheers



------------------
Shane Watson..

Combine Love & Skill & You Can Expect A Masterpiece!

Not really a joke but with Christmas around the corner.
A WOODWORKERS NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shop,not a worker was stirring all projects were stopped.

The chisels were left by the whetstones with care,in hopes that the elves would come sharpen them there.

The tools were all nestled and snug where they lay,while visions of woodshavings danced on each blade.

Then up in the woodloft there came such a clatter,the whole building shook with the weight of the matter.

And there on the creaky roof did appear,a fine home made sleigh drawn by ten dusty deer.

With a sparkly-eyed craftsman a spry as a buck,who went by the name of "Old Saint Woodchuck"

He was dressed all in suede from his cap to his shoe,and his clothes were all covered with sawdust and glue.

A bundle of tools he had tucked in his sack,with a Japanese saw sticking out the back.

On his face he wore goggles and a dust mask fit tightly,his cheeks were rosewood ,his hearing shot lightly.

His skills were the sharpest and the best in the land, and he still had five fingers on each of his hands.

Then quick as a chainsaw his staunch helpers came,and he hooted and hollered and hailed them by name.

"Now Router,now Ruler,now Hammer, and Bitbrace,On Shaper on Scrollsaw,on Jackplane on Compass."

All ran to the workbench and leapt to his call:"Now get to work, get to work, get to work all!"

So they dulled not an edge,but cut straight to their task, and sawed,planed,pounded and scraped til, at last.

All the toys that the children were waiting to get, were finished and wrapped.(though the paint was still wet)

There were jacks made from walnut and dolls made of yew,and a ash rocking horse with its tail painted blue.

A set of birch soldiers all carved from one log, and even an oak ball hand turned for the dog.

Then the kindly crew tidied and swept every crack,and Saint Woodchuck thanked them while stretching his back.

Then he jumped on his sleigh and let out a yell,and they roared from the shop at the tone of the bell.

But these words he exclaimed,as they vanished from sight: "Merry Christmas to all---that's enough for one night.