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  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Murray Bridge SA
    Posts
    3,339

    Default Why Irish Eyes Are Full Of Laughter..

    Paddy was driving down the street
    in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every
    Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
    Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
    Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'


    Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?
    The man said, 'I do, Father.'
    The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
    Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
    'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
    'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
    Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
    O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
    The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
    O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'


    Paddy was in New York ..
    He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
    He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
    After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics cross?'


    Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
    'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
    'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'


    An Irish priest is driving down to
    New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
    He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
    'Just water,' says the priest
    The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
    The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


    Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one -
    just had another fight with the little woman.'
    'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
    'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
    'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
    She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'


    Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Finney.
    He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
    broke and made the landing especially painful.
    Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
    He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
    In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room
    She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
    Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?
    'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly , it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
    To grow old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

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  3. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 1999
    Location
    Westleigh, Sydney
    Age
    77
    Posts
    9,542

    Default

    Three groans, but a guffaw for the last one!
    Visit my website
    Website
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  4. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    ACT
    Age
    84
    Posts
    2,578

    Default

    Hi,
    I knew someone who woke to find a plaster on the mirror and blood on the sheets.
    Regards
    Hugh

    Enough is enough, more than enough is too much.

  5. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    lower eyre peninsular
    Age
    74
    Posts
    3,577

    Default

    good to have you back Kryn
    I would love to grow my own food, but I can not find bacon seeds

  6. #5
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Murray Bridge SA
    Posts
    3,339

    Default

    The email jokes have been few and far between, well the ones acceptable for here anyway.
    To grow old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

  7. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    SW Sydney
    Age
    74
    Posts
    39

    Default

    Androgens Order
    Forgive your enemies, but never, ever forget their names.
    The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive but never forget.

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