Thread: Light Irish Humour

An Irishman's first drink with his son

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?

He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.

He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so -faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
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I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."
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Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.

Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".

Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
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Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope: "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

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Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'

'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
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An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says: "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

The farmer does. Two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.
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An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
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Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'

'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
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Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning.
I can't break her out of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.
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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.
'Quick!'he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'

'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.

'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'