My Wife isn't talking to me, she said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how... I didn't even know it was her birthday.

I was so happy and content as I watched the wife drift off last night. Her dinghy got a puncture and she's a poor swimmer.

A man tells his Rabbi, "I have a strong desire to live until eternity. What should I do?" "Get married" said the Rabbi. "It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?" He said.
The Rabbi replied, "No but the desire will disappear."

Last night after a few beers my mate asked if he could stay on my sofa. I had to explain to him that I’m married now so that's where I sleep.

As me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other. She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed." So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.

Wife to husband "Let's go out and have some fun tonight! Husband: "Ok, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."

Son: "Dad I've got a part in the school play. I play a man who's been married 25 years."
Dad: Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers. "Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

"My wife left a note on the fridge, ""It's not working. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to my mums house!"." I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold. What is she talking about?"

My wife said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.