Thread: Long Pun

Young Jack was an enthusiast.
In particular, Jack was very enthusiastic about his choice of vehicle.
Some of his mates loved sports cars, some loved their utes, and some
of his less popular, feral, outcast mates owned 4WD's, but he tried
not to associate with them too often.
But the object of Jack's affection was a Datsun 120Y Coupe - original
dark-lime green with humungous louvres on the rear window, faux-
stainless-steel hubcaps, Bakelite steering wheel.........this car was
from
an era when people took pride in their chosen carriage.
Every weekend Jack could be found in his garage, tinkering with his
Japanese thoroughbred; Silvo'ing the hubcaps, Armour-All'ing the
mud flaps (very sought after and rare factory optional extras),
deodorising the roof lining, re-flashing his Polariser, etc etc.. If
at any stage through the week his steed developed an issue, Jack would
labour through the weekend, until the problem was solved, allowing a
trouble-free journey on Monday mornings.
On the agenda for this weekend was; Re-applying the black tyre-paint,
tuning in his push-button wireless (by Thursday he was unable to
receive 2KY or 2CH via the easy-2-use, convenient push-button method
of tuning), fitting high-power tungsten globes to his reversing light,
and time permitting, try and diagnose why his indicators had stopped
self-canceling.
On Saturday Jack was able to complete the tyre-blackening & wireless
tuning in time to watch the bowls on ABC at 5.00pm. Sunday saw the
reverse lights finished before his cucumber sandwich cravings had
surfaced, leaving the entire afternoon free to sort out the
indicators.
Jack was a trifle apprehensive about tackling the last issue, as
engineering was not his forte, especially with a vehicle as avant
garde as the Datsun. But he put on a brave face, reached for his
multi-
tool-shifta-driver and started removing the plastic cover from the
steering column.
By 3.30pm, after partially dismantling the indicator stalk mechanism,
Jack felt he had a handle on the problem. You see, hidden under the
base of the stalk was a wee little cog that spun when the wheel was
turned, allowing a series of damped levers to move the spring-loaded
trigger onto the left plane causing the stalk to self correct. The
problem was that the little cog had started loosing its teeth, and in
effect had become unserviceable. Realising he would require a new
cog, and that Datospares was closed on Sunday afternoons, Jack decided
to re-assemble the apparatus without the cog and visit Datospares on
Monday. He was, at first, aware that incorrect assembly (I.E, leaving
out the cog) may have a knock-on affect with other related, highly
stressed componentry, but the choice wasn't really his.
On Monday afternoon, as soon as his shift at Australia Post had
finished he was behind the wheel of his almost perfect non-self
canceling Datsun racing to Datospares before their doors shut. At
4.57 he was standing at the counter showing Harold his tiny, worn out
cog. As soon as Harold saw the offending cog, he leaned back, sucked
air through his teeth, and tried to think of a way to tell Jack the
same heartbreaking news he'd had to tell many a 120Y owner over the
years......
"......take a seat, Jack" said Harold.
Jack was used to being dominated by unwashed men in blue overalls, so
did so without question or protest.
"Now Jack," soothed Harold, "I have good news, and I have bad news. I
can indeed order you all that is required to solve your self-
canceling issues. The problem is, it cannot be purchased separately.
Datsun requires that you purchase the connecting steering wheel,
column, rack, tie-rods, lower control arms (including bushes), wheels,
and wheel nuts (but not the hub-caps)."
"That's OK," replied Jack. "I'll be content with a pre-loved component
on this occasion, thanks Harold."
Harold then had to explain to Jack that he had a waiting list of other
Datsun aficionados, also rather disgruntled at the sorry situation
Datsun Inc. had put them in. And, considering how many Datsun 120Y's
were still in serviceable shape, plying the roads of Australia, the
situation was a ticking time bomb!
Now Jack, having managed to find a perfect parking space (close to
Datospares and in the shade of a Hillgrove gum tree), had until this
moment been in an upbeat mood. That time had now passed.........
For the next week, Jack was inconsolable. He'd tried other fine pre-
loved Datsun component retailers, but met with the same reaction each
time to his request. Not only was it becoming obvious that these cogs
were near impossible to source, but should the unlikely happen and
someone had one to sell, he was at the back of the queue.
Jack decided to try his luck further afield.......gosh.....he had the
interweb now! He started searching interstate, without any luck. He
found many references to the offending cog on some American websites,
but the problem was worse there (LHD versions required 2 cogs!).
He was about to give up for the day when a listing on an Indonesian
website caught his eye. Upon further investigation he found that a
small plastics factory was aware of the issue and had a warehouse full
of little toothed plastic wheels. A phone call confirmed that they
were the correct type and that that owner, Mr Sumeyarseoff BangBang
Ladyboy Bestprice Oh No (his mates called him Sue) had been sitting on
them for some time.
Jack decided that at 2.3AUCents per item, he could just afford to buy
his entire inventory, allowing him to service the needs of all 120Y
owners the world over. Just the thought made quiver!
Jack then shopped around for the best deal on couriering the boxes
back to Australia and found a small company operating a small Cesna
out of Lombok called Yuwing We Bwing (YWWB) Ltd.. Jack paid over the
interweb after confirming pick-up and drop-off addresses, and relaxed,
comfortable in the knowledge that he would soon be seen as a God
(well.......to Datsun owners anyway!).
The following week the YWWB Cesna was cruising at altitude, flying
over the mountains of Papua New Guinea, when its only engine developed
a misfire. The problem became worse as time progressed and the brave
little Cessna could not help but lose altitude. Eventually the pilot
made the decision to gradually eject cargo until altitude could be
maintained.
Meanwhile, on a rice paddy in PNG, stood a little farm house belonging
to Mr Kobang and his barren wife, Nununnt. As she was unable to
have children, Nununnt would often take her aggression out on her
beleaguered husband, who had a propensity for sitting on the couch
smoking gunja.
"Get off your lazy yellow ass and get out there and work the fields,
you good-for-nothing excuse for a husband!" she
hollered.
Mr Kobang slowly rose from the divot on the couch and headed outside.
Satisfied her husband was out earning his keep, she returned to the
kitchen to prepare the evening meal.
Half an hour later, when setting the table, she saw Mr Kobang again
lazing on the couch, she exploded, "you lazy good for nuffing fet
sheet blackfella!!! Get orf your lazy behind and go wok da feeeelds!"
"Awww gel," he moaned, "I can't work in these conditions!"
"Why not, you useless chicken loving-sheet?" she foamed.
"Please, don't make me go out there. It's raining Datsun cogs today!"