Thread: Quick Funnies

London Tube Announcements And now the actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to passengers over the public address system...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound line and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together.
All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ..) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move aLL belongings away from the doors." (Pause..) "This is a personal message to the gentleman in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door, before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

* if everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

* i drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

* support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

* monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

* a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

* get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

* plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

* always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

* if you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

* how many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

* ok, so what's the speed of dark?

* how do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children. "

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children. "

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".

"Where did you get this exact information?"

"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old. "

Top joke from UK:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

The Secret to a Good Marriage
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man.

“We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, ‘That’s once.’ We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’ We hadn’t gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him.

“I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’”

FINAL EXAM:

The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

A guy walked into a bar and said "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender. " But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up.

The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay.

Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!"

The bartender said "Why?"

The guy replyed "You're violent when you're drunk!"