The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.

Helpful Hints


Bearded Men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Artic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's , filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
Find out how many of your cat's lives are remaining by hitting it repeatedly with a mallet. The number of strokes required to bring about it's demise will correspond with the number of lives which remained.
Transform your garage into a drive-thru restaurant by sitting in your car, lowering your window and demanding that your wife/girlfriend brings you a cup of tea, on roller skates.
Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time.
If a small child is choking on an ice-cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is removed instantly.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Make people think that you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.
Brighten up a dull Monday morning at the office by concealing a bottle of Vodka in your jacket pocket and taking swigs from it at regular intervals throughout the day.
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they waly up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of a hang-over by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bathtimes as much fun for the kidies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a buckety of sand, a bag of salt and a dog into the bath.
Wood stain is a fast and attractive alternative to sun bed treatments.
Make guests belive your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning on the shower every time you want to speak.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to the public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating in it before you jump in.
Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
Fed up with oral sex? Stop your bird from giving you blow jobs by marrying her.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18-30 holiday? Simply get , lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
International Master Criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty "Toblerone" chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase the chance of you getting the job.
Pretend your house is a pub by stubbing out cigarettes on the carpet, watering down your cans of beer and kicking your wife out into the garden at 11.30
Save on ironing costs by giving all your shirts to St Vincent de Pauls, and then buy them back for 50c each.