Thread: Malice in Wonderland

There was an abundance of power tools..... as far as the eye could see. Whatever it was, whatever there could possibly be was there to see and use.

But the evil shop assistant, Neil, put absolutely outrageous prices in everything so they were out of the reach of most people and could only be afforded by the wealthy like neurosurgeons or wharfies.
'This must be stopped' cried the peasants, and no sooner had they said this there was a clatter of hoofs and there was the white knight on his steed. He lifted his face shield and everyone realised it was the galant ..............

Alice, whose name was a matter of constant confusion to those he met. The truth of the matter is, his parents had been so keen on having a girl to give them a change from his six older brothers, that they hadn't even considered any boys' names.
However, that's beside the point. The point is that Alice happened to be the seventh son of a man who was also a seventh son. Any self-respecting peasant knows that this is a highly portentous combination.
Grabbing the nearest peasant and lifting him to face height, he said in a deep, booming voice, "...

"GGG Gosh oh gee Fonz! Do you think something should be done about this naughty Neil of the high prices."

"Why yes I do Ali." said the Fonz "But foist I'm gunna rearrange your face for messing wit ma leather jacket. You nurk!!"

"GGG Golly gee Fonz," whimpered Alice "it's not my fault it was Tristan who wrote "Grabbing the nearest peasant." How was I to know the nearest peasant would be you?"

With this Alice relaxed his grip on the Fonzes leather jacket and let him fall to the ground with a thud, landing on a pile of white knight's steed poo.

"Thank you very much." Said Fonzie sarcasticly "Thank you very, very, much! All I need now is.................

....that new Triton Router! If I can, I'll be the first person in all the land to have one. And that 'Proud Tritoneer', Barry, will be so envious he will........

be ORANGE with envy.
Meanwhile, the evil Neil has spotted the pile of horse S*** and is working on a scheme to dry it out and form it into logs which he can sell to unsuspecting turners as an exotic hardwood, but what will he call it, Horse Chestnut, no too common, how about...

"U Beaut Oak". Only found around the hills of Welshmans Reef.It is a fibourous tree that does not work very well and leaves a pungent aroma if worked too much , but kept in the log form and not tossed has great strength as an additive for mud brick enthusiasts.

Neil, being the cunning stunt that he was , quickly patented the horse byproduct as "Nuggetwood" so that any other enterprising poop compressor would have to pay hum handsomely for the use of.

Standing back and looking at the sea of power tools with the odd brick of nuggetwood indespersed within Neil saw it was good. Having another breainstorm he thought of another way to extracate further dollars from the needy woodworking peasants of Makita-ville by developing special scraper blades from the HSS of old hand saws (the bloody tight )... How to market this new product was now on his agenda... Alas the people of Makita-ville would soon be....

..... up in arms ..... they quickly had a meeting of peasants around at Waynes place ... upon which it was decided the only way to stop Neil was to mount their cyclone dust extractors and ....

Call The Fonz! of course! he would fix the greedy bastards little red wagon.
After all, with the Fonz's reputation (He was romoured to be able to reduce a slab of iron bark to sawdust using nothing but an old rusty hand plane!) said greedy bastard would soon be...

…. "dealing with the wrath of consumer protection with many a complaint of the poor finishing characteristics of nuggetwood" and with that the peasants gathered around the cyclone did cheer.

Unyielding to the mongrel peasant muck throwers Neil schemed a plan so bold that he shuddered to tell anyone for fear that the peasants would get wind of his plan and do unspeakable things to his bwoootiful little red wagon. Neils devious plan flew in the face of a long held belief of many a noble person – “you can’t polish a !”.
“I will use my double boiler to create a mighty mixture of ancient polish and perfume recipes, a mix so good that all weekend woodworkers would be able to polish turds to a fine sensuous lustre without gagging” said the Alchemist as he bit his thumb in the general direction of his peasant opposers.

With that the Alchemist ........

......changed his tune and asked all the peasants nicely to pee into his double boiler for the first ingrediant in his new formula, and the next ingrediant he looked for was...........

....EEE. But Alice had had enough and ordered an Environmental Impact Study be carried out. So the peasants called in that other knight in shining armour, the Senior Stinkologist, Sir Stinkalot. The result of his study was that .......

Ya can lead a horse to water but ya cant make it drink.
What a philophosfer, he will be admired through out the land, comeing up with such a saying so true.
He then took pen to paper, scratched his head and wrote.............