Thread: The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

to the Penthouse suite at the Bondi Hilton, where he intended conducting a thorough investigation of Pam and her prediliction towards physical discipline methodologies, when...

the door slammed open and standing there in all his finery was.....

Alf Garnett............

... who was immediately mistaken for Al until .....

he started banging on about Harold Bluddy Wilson, and the penny finally dropped. "Hey Alf, how about shutting your whining gob before I fill it with me knuckles!" said Pam. All this violent talk had the immediate effect of re-focussing Officer Dan's attention on his original purpose, and without futher ado he grabbed Alf by the scruff of his shirt and....

undid all the buttons. Dan stepped back and admired the body of Alf. Dan was strange that way. Dan then pushed Alf into the cell, where he proceeded to pull him self through the bars.

Pam looked on amazed and ...

said "How do you do that without skinning you knuckles?"

wondered if perhaps she might be able to have a go, too. Officer Dan noticed Pam staring intently, and moved quickly to prevent Pam from doing anything that Officer Dan would be sorry for later. "Step back, Pam. You need to understand that, on the whole, men are better at this sort of thing, because they have had more experience with it." Pam, her concentration broken, looked at Officer Dan, a light blush creeping up her neck & onto her cheeks. "Sorry, Officer Dan, I only wanted to...

rub his cute bald head and massage that fine luxuriant moustache and listen to his refined and cultured views on politics and life in general, Alf Garnett then realised he had blundered onto the wrong set and exploded into a tyrade of...................

extremely bad language, whilst at the same time succeeding in pulling himself completely through the bars of the cell (not without a bit of pain in the process, I might add!) and stormed off out of the suite, never to be seen again. Meanwhile, Officer Dan was pondering how the prison cell had appeared in the penthouse in the first place, when he realised that it too must have materialised out of the rip in the fabric of the universe as well!

"Oh well, another mystery solved. Now where were we, Pam, before we were so rudely interupted? Oh, I remember now! I was just about to investigate your...

very poor reason for not having repaired that bloody rip in the fabric!!!!

Just as Pam was about to defend herself by explaining that although she was pretty good at punching holes in things (especially faces), she was not so adept with a needle & thread, who should appear through the rip but.....

the entire cast from the Life of Brian who due to a technical malfunction in the space wars scene entered an invisible time warp.
Thinking that now they had really found the true Messiah, albeit devoid of any juniper bushes, they officially denounced the Peoples front of Judea and the Judean peoples front and promptly elected Biggus Dickus as their new leader............
how many hijacks can this endure?

"Well, children," said Sally. "That's an interesting question! How many hi-jacks do you think this tale can endure?"

Placing her book mark carefully, she closed the book and looked expectantly at the class.

Young Tarquin, who had been silent up until this point, leapt to his feet and cried:

"I have been silent up until this point ..!"

He was felled to the ground by a swift retributive blow from Augustin, wielding a tightly rolled-up copy of The Economist.

". . .And we have no wish to hear from you now!" quoth he (Augustin, that is).

"Now, now children! Be nice!" said Sally. "It seems to me that we can't get through a reading from this fascinating tale without the boys resorting to violence. I'm sure the girls agree with me, Don't you, girls?"

"Yes Miss!" cried the girls, in unison. They leapt to their feet and battered Augustin back into his seat with their hockey sticks. "Violence is a terrible thing, Miss!" they cried.