Thread: The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

... "yes, I know it's ridiculous but what do you expect on a woodwork forum?" She reached into her voluminous undergarments and produced ...

A Cricket bat.

Right, she said who's up for a game of tip and run ?

"The rules are that the Mizzen is an electric wickie and over the taffrail is six and out."

Staines, whos was also a cunning legspin bowler, imediately rose to the challenge and producing a Kookaburra from his pantaloons walked to the top of his mark.

"Right, you Farcquar", he said to Hermione, "cop this" and with that...

... he staggered down the pitch, tripped on a crack in the pitch, choked on a piece of Nutrigrain and wound up a virtual f*ckwit. "Well, I never expected that to happen", exclaimed Roger.

"Hang on a minute", said Hermione, "who is that chuckling behind the curtain?". The curtain parted, and out walked a figure clad in beige. "It is I, ...

... Polonius! The last time I hid, chuckling, behind a curtain, that bastard Hamlet stuck his sword right through my arras! Looks like I got away with it this time!"

"Wrong!" quoth the Mother Farcquar and, drawing forth (or possibly, in her case, fifth) her enormous arras-penetrating blade, she ran him through from bowsprit to taff-rail.

"DOH!" exclaimed Polonius as he ...

... doubled over in pain, "I think you nicked my bowel you bastard. I'm going to sue you for malpractice." His arras penetrated for the second time in his life, Polonius was starting to wonder if hiding behind curtains was such a great idea.

Looking around for something to wipe her sword on, Mother Farquar's eyes hesitated on the curtains already soiled by a previous display of barbarity ...

When suddenly she was felled by Hermione's lusty cover drive. For you see, Roger had retrieved the now bain dead Staines' Kookaburra and delivered to the Sister Farcquar a tempting half volley.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" exclaimed Mother Farcquar "what the fark was that?"

"That was me cover drive mum", said Hermione "and thank god you intercepted it 'cause it was going over the taffrail (what is a taffrail anyway) for sure".

Just then...

a group of workcover inspectors arrived on the scene to inspect the taffrail and a stop work meeting was called for by the appropriate trade union which was......

... immediately bailed up by a couple of HR managers from amongst the ranks of the hamsters and served with a (s)127 order in the Federal Industrial Relations Commission.

While thus distracted, the union officials and the hamsters' IR managers were tossed clean over the offending taff-rail by Mother Farcquar. She had taken a distinct fancy to the Worksafe inspector, whom she tucked under her enormous arm and headed down an adjacent companionway, on pleasure bent. The last that was seen of the Worksafe inspector was a glimpse of him about to make a note on his clipboard: "Now, madam," he was heard to say, "Do you have the appropriate MSDS for that arras-piercing weapon?"

The hamsters and the union officials, meanwhile, had managed to fall into a convenient lifeboat. They floated off, arguing about seating positions and agendas.

"Now, children," said Sally ...

... about Polonius". (Thought we'd forgotten him, didn't you, dear reader?)

"According to the text, he was wearing beige when he stepped out from behind the curtain," said Sally. "BEIGE! So, apart from being a boring old fart, forever handing out gratuitous advice and eavesdropping on private conversations, he's also numbered amongst the world's beige-wearing gits! What does the class think of this, hmmmm?

Sally was clearly much moved by....

the music of Hudie Leadbetter. In fact for no apparant reason she suddenly started singing:

"Gone jump down turn around
pick a bale of cotton,
Gone jump down turn around
Pick a bale a day,
Oh lordy ..

However, suddenly a shot rang out and the assembled crew turned to see that Cap'n Nemo was standing athwart the taffrail blowing the smoke off his Midnight Special.

"Now listen to me" he bellowed....

... if you don't stop this at once and sing something wholesome like: "I Get a Kick Out of You" , I'll send you all to Alberta on the Rock Island Line. Keep this up and it's Goodnight Irene - all right?"

"Oh my goodness!!" exclaimed Sally. "It appears, children, that the book we have been reading has come to life in our very classroom!! Now don't panic, I'm sure you are all well aquainted with all the characters, so stay calm and just try to fit in as best you can. Just keep a good eye out for that terrible seaman Staines, and be sure not to upset Captain Nemo. After all, he doesn't seem too happy to see me, and his pistol is definitely NOT in his pocket!!"

Captain Nemo stared at Sally. "Well, are you going to sing one of my selections, or do I have to...

teach you the words to "I did it my way?"

"Oh no cap'n, you couldn't be so cruel" pleaded Sally.

"Oh yes I could" sneered Nemo "in fact, you don't know what you're in for"

With that, he turned to Roger and said ...

"Give me one of those pink Gins you were flouncing about with earlier, and while you're at it, I'll have a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy!!"

This put Roger in quite a quandry; the pink Gin he could handle with ease, but where was he going to find a crocodile for the requested sandwich?

"Um, beggin' your pardon, Cap'n, but could I suggest that, with your permission of course, you might like to try....