Thread: The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

realised it was not a french bomb, for if it was it would have gone.......
I wel noot tik the puss out of Monsiuer Driver ever again

... ZUT ALORS! AND CAMEMBERT!

Or other French words to that effect.

and speaking of bombs, just then a little cream citroen came driving across the ocean, totally oblivious to the absurdity of the notion until...

Mother Farquar attempted to get into the drivers seat, but alas, those funny little gear levers which protrude from the dashboard managed to become entangled in her nether regions.
Oooooooohh cried Mother Farquar, more in pleasure than in pain, for although she had read of such pleasures had never experienced them, this is truly..............

..a first. And she elaborated, I'm wasn't referring to the gear selection. As she thrashed around in her newfound ecstacy, she was doing irreparable damage to the unfortunate driver of the little car, who cried...

... quite appropriately in the circumstances:

"Zut Alors! and Camembert!"

For he was none other than .....

Inspector Rex who had inadvertently wandered onto the wrong set, for this was clearly for French and Belgian Inspectors, not German canines.
Woof, he cried, which as any dog fancier knows means..........................

Originally Posted by Iain

Woof, he cried, which as any dog fancier knows means..........................

..."I've had about enough of watching reruns of Skippy on tele especially the stupid ones where tch tch means several very longparagraphs of warnings about the whereabouts of the bad guys and where they've hidden Sonny. It really is enough to drive a dog to drink."
And with that he lifted his leg and peed on the wheel of the little citroen and then disappeared through the rip in the fabric of the universe to watch reruns of star trek on pay tv because he thought it had much move credible plot lines and characterisation than skippy.
As Inspector rex departed, who should reappear through that famous rift but...

The dog catcher from the good ship venus, but alas he was too late, as he stuck his foot in a pile of rancid german shepherd poo left by the last unwitting canine, bollocks, he exclaimed as he wiped his soiled shoe on Mother Farquars.......................

... clean apron, having mistaken it for a spare mainsail.

An appalled, indeed horror-stricken, silence fell over the entire crew as they anticipated the terrible consequences that were about to befall the unfortunate dog catcher.

The Mother Farcquar turned towards him, her upper lip curling back in a snarl as she reached her enormous hands towards the dog catcher's throat.

She stopped and did a double-take (which, with features like hers, was an awful thing to see. Once is more than enough but twice!!!). Her fingers had been curled to inflict damage upon the dog catcher. She straightened them. She flung her arms wide. A strange expression crossed her visage. On anyone else, it would have been a simpering smile.

"Clarence!" she cried. "My long-lost lover-boy!"

The dog catcher gazed at the Mother Farcquar. A smile of recognition appeared on his simple dog-catcher's face.

"Hortense!" quoth he. "My ....

...my god but you've gotten ugly. I told you no good would come of hanging around all those harbourside bars.
From anyone else these words would have been fatal, but the mother farquer was so enraptured with Clarence that she...

... enfolded him in what she imagined to be a fond embrace.

To Clarence the dog catcher this experience was more like being murdered than good taste would normally permit. With what felt to him like his last dying breath, he gasped, feebly

'Help! .... I can't breathe! ...'

The Mother Farcquar reached into her cleavage with a hand like a drag-line bucket and pulled Clarence's head clear. His purple features regained a more normal hue as he sucked in great lungfuls of life-restoring oxygen.

'Gawd!" he said. "I'd forgotten, Hortense, how enthusiastically you tend to become when a passion is upon you!'

The Mother Farcquar ....

said that's because I'm really looking for Amanda.

"Amanda?" queried Clarence with a quaver.

"Yes Amanda" exclaimed the Mother.

"I'm Looking for Amanda Huggenkiss" .

Suddenly the sound of a Staines like groan issued from the orlop deck...

battered her ample eyelids at him in a scene reminiscent of Shrek's Donkey's girlfriend (the dragon).When Clarence woke up and smelled the pheremones he thrust his head back into her cleavage singing "You'll never catch me alive"
But as this was muffled the mother Farquar thought he had said...