Thread: The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

say what? There is no way I'm going to let you bastards string up me ol mate Roger. He was the cause of some of my best memories, not to mention some of the best puns we had in this story. Shame he stopped being the cabin boy, doesn't seem right saying you want to Roger the Captain. But I digress, release him you scurvy knaves, you lot of...

fudge packers, anchor tripe, sail sh-it-e all of ye!

They stopped in thier tracks and looked at each other, ashen faced, bottom lips set a quivering then the tears rolled down thier weather beaten cheeks. They rolled and sobbed like a group of toddlers denied a chocolate, "Stop them!, they'er calling us names, horrible names and we don't like it!"

Mean while.......

in the captain's cabin, Roger regarded the Admiral from the other side of the chart table.

"So tell me Shiny-Britches, how is it that you can be an Admiral and a Captain at the same time?"

"I believe sir, that you are an imposter. What do you have to say to that?"

Shiny-Britches took a long pull of his pipe and said ........

"Aaah, that was a good pull, best I've had in ages. And now that my pipe is burning properly, let me tell you, Roger, you jumped up, never-come-down former cabin boy, VC and bar, that..."

... this nation is at war son, and when your country needs you, you step up and do what has to be done. When the last Admiral was shot for losing the key to the drinks cabinet, they looked around for a replacement. I hid behind Captain Trumpetblaster but the scurvy dog did a swift side step. So now it's the Admiral's cap that I wear on my head but in my heart I will always be Captain Shiny-Britches.

"But that is enough about me. I'm here to talk about you and in particular about the strange and various reports of the goings-on on board the HMS Very Little Gravitas Indeed. So, Captain Roger (VC and Bar), if you wish to retain your posting on this ship, you have some explaining to do. Starting with ... this!"

With that, Admiral Captain Shiny-Britches withdrew from the pocket of his glittering trousers, a ...

... superbly carved scale model of the Twig of Orgasmo!

"What.....!" said Roger (VC and Bar). "I ....

...recognise that timber! It's from the mast of the good ship Very Little Gravitas Indeed, and it's made from that rare antipodean timber, Pinus Crappiata. I recognise it by the Bunny's stamp on it."

"And might I add," he added, "Admiral, usually, when people make scale models, they make them to a smaller scale than the original. I hope you realise that you have severely limited the propulsive potential of HMS VLGI by turning her mast into a work of somewhat dubious art!"

Shocked by this shower of invective, Admiral Shiny Breeches....

said: "I'm shocked by this shower of invective!"

Roger (VC and Bar) was impressed.

"I'm impressed!" he said. "You're already beginning to fit into this crew, Admiral."

"What?" said the Admiral. "I am..."

...therefore I think!

Suppressing a desire to advise his superior officer that no-one likes a sm@rt@rse, Roger (VC and Bar) said:

"Very good, sir: Sum ergo cogito, eh? Or even 'Je suis, donc je pense!"

"Good moaning, muy ay hoolp?" A familiar figure, clad inappropriately for sailing, loomed into the cabin doorway.

Crabtree's attention was immediately and very obviously focussed on the scale model of the Twig of Orgasmo. So excited, indeed, was he by what he saw that he dropped his ludicrous mispronunciation.

"Crap!" he said. "I mean to say: isn't that a model of the famed Twig of Orgasmo, the work of Ozwinner of Craporium?"

Roger (VC and Bar) was ....

gobsmacked.

"I'm absolutely gobsmacked" he said "to realise that a model of the Twig of Orgasmo should appear on the Very Little Gravitas Indeed".

It was then that the other occupants of the cabin noticed Roger's violent trembling.

"I say captain" said Shiny-Britches "why are you trembling?"

Through chattering teeth, Roger manages to bluirt out "The curse!. You fools! do you not know of 'The Curse of Orgasmo'!?"

Hardly had these fateful words left Roger (VC &c) lips when clutching his throat and letting out a bloodcurdling "Aaaaarrrrgh!" Roger pitched headlong to the deck.

Shiny-Britches took another long pull of his pipe and said ......

"Well really!, Captain if you choose not to tell us you only have to say so!"

With that Roger looked up at the admiral through the corner of his eye, and spoke into the knot hole in the deck "Oh!, it wasn't that admiral!,...I er!..er!...was going to tell you, I er!...I just saw the ships mouse poke his head out of this hole and I had to speak with him!"

"And what the damded, is so ruddy important you have to speak to the ships mouse?" Roared the admiral.

"Er!...Er!...I....had to....tell him...er..the ships cat is after him, Yes!..Yes!..Thats it, yes, the ships cat is after him so I thought I'd warn him" said Roger nervously.

"Oh!....Very well then, good show old man!"...replied the admiral, slightly confused. "Oh!...By the way Roger, there's that Bloody cat, is he the one in question".

Roger jumped up and spun around, started to scream and ran from the room only to fail to open the door, which he hit face first with a sickening thud. As he fell backwards to the deck, (again) he looked at the admiral and said ".......

Je pense, donc je suis... un cul futé !
...but if only I was smart enough to open this bloody door...

"I'm not your uncle and my name's not Fyootay, you idiot!" said the admiral. "Now get up from the floor and start to behave like a commanding officer!"

With that, Roger (VC and Bar) shook himself as if waking from a deep sleep and ...