Thread: The Rip in the Fabric of the Universe ...

realising that he had hit the iceberg off New Zilland and was now a victim of Davy Jones..............

Davey Jones the Ice breaker!!

He had hit the berg so hard that he ricocheted off into the pointy bit of the ship

and found himself seated at a long dinning table adorned with ornately carved ebony statues of the entire smurf collection. His dinner companions were Elvis, Gandhi and elevan long haired friends of Jesus.

The meal was presented on plates covered with highly polished silver lid, when lifted it revealed to them a delicate array of assorted fried, grilled and poached .................

...wooden pens!

"What's this?" he pondered. "Why would anyone imagine it would be a good idea to serve these (admittedly beautifully turned and crafted) objects into a meal? Could it be that an oversupply has somehow been created and this has necessitated a search for alternative outlets for them?"

He was flummoxed.

"I'm ...

And with that Jamie Oliver jumped out from behind a big chefs hat, "cor blimie you old fruit and toad, ows me apple an pears, cor blimie gov, so what ya fink about me pens cor blimie"?

Gandhi stood up, and with the blessing of the others at the table, grabbed his finely crafted bullet pen, flew headlong at Jamie. He landed on Jamie's chest and they fell heavily onto the floor. He beat Jamie about the head with said pen and after some time he exclaimed (in his best Indian accent) ''Damn these cheap English ammunition thingys they never work when you need them to!''

It was then that the others at the table realised ..........

that Jamie was a Borg.......:eek: sent from the planet NospeakadaenglishGov to spread the foul cokney speak over the Universe......

Sounds emanated from a nearby companionway. Chief amongst these sounds were the reverbrations of heavily-booted feet clumping up the steps. Only slightly less obvious were the sounds of whinging and complaining from the companions who were being trodden upon in almost equal measure to the steps.

These sounds heralded the arrival upon the poop of Leading Artificer Groans and his arquebus. It was loaded with its usual mixture of nutritious and health-bestowing muesli grains, nuts etc.

Raising it to his arthritic shoulder, Groans took aim at yon denizen of the planet NospeakadaenglishGov and blasted the bugger over the taffrail. The hamsters gave their customary salute:

"Ahoy!" they cried.

Young Jamie was heard, in a voice reminiscent of a certain upimself Oirish hoofer, to utter a brief "ERKK!" before the VLGI's foaming wake closed over him.

"See what you can conjure up with those ingredients," quoth Groans conclusively, as he reloaded his ancient arquebus.

And they keep all ya scurvey lot regular too,

yarrhh...said Jamie who had by some miraculous feat managed to cling onto the muesli rail on the side of the ship, it was the molasus that really saved him, all that sticky goo had stuck him fast

er than a speeding train through Siberia. Groans leveled his trusty arquebus at Jamie again but just as he was about to pull the firing mechanism Staines yelled....

"Sail Ho!"

The Captain wheeled round and bellowed down the main deck

"Where away?"

"Fine on the starboard bow!" Came the reply from Staines as he pointed ahead.

"By Jove!" quoth Frontbottom. "I'm most impressed with all this nautical jargon. Very seamanlike, I must say!" He filled his pipe and lit it, taking a hearty pull.

"Douse all running lights!" cried the Captain as he tossed a bucket of seawater over Frontbottom.

Frontbottom was aghast.

"I'm aghast!" he spluttered as great gouts of salty spume ran down his best uniform.

The Captain was unmoved.

"I'm unm......"

...istakably back in charge" said the captain. "Now how did that come about?"

"It seems, sir," said Frontbottom in his most obsequious voice, "that the discharge of Groans' arqubus has caused some sort of cosmic calamity that has thrown everything back to what passes, on this demented ship, for normality."

Tripping daintily up the companionway in her size 12s (upsetting all the companions as she did so) came the mother Farquaher. She grabbed the saturated Frontbottom by the...

....front of his bottom.

Frontbottom was appalled. Instead of mentioning this he uttered a strangled: "Awwwk!"

Hereward Hamster turned to his mate Hieronymous and said:

"That's interesting. Frontbottom said "Awwwk" - shouldn't he have said "ERRRK"?"

"No. "ERRRK" is reserved for characters who have been tossed over the taffrail - or thrust down the front of the Mother Farcquar's frock. They say "ERRRK" just before we all call out "Ole!". Although, if I remember correctly, we called out "Ahoy!" when young Jamie was recently hurled into the 'oggin by Groans' arquebus-propelled muesli mixture. Strange that. Anyway, the point is, "AWWWK" is what people tend to say when grabbed by the nadgers."

"Oh, right," said Hereward.

Meanwhile, Frontbottom and the Mother Farcquar were ...

dancing a rousing Tango, gliding gracefully across the poop. With her left and his right hands entwined and extended artistically, they moved as one to the frantic beat of the hamsters' tails upon the deck. Mother Farcquar's eyes blazed in romantic passion. She looked longingly at Frontbottom and said: "Frontbottom, you sweep me absolutely away!" To which he replied fervently: "Awwwk," as she still grasped the front of his bottom with her right hand.

Meanwhile, the Captain cried out: "More of that seamanlike nautical jargon or I'll keelhaul the lot of you."

This broke Mother Farcquar's concentration. As she let go of Frontbottom's front bottom, she exclaimed . ..