Tools explained

**Darce** · 11th June 2010, 05:33 PM

As used in and around boats:

Drill Press
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching a tiller out of your hand so that it smacks you in the chest, flings your beer across the room then lands on the freshly painted transom you have placed carefully in the corner of your shed where nothing could harm it.

Wire Wheel
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, no!"

Skill saw
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

Pliers
Used to round off bolt heads. May be used in the creation of blood blisters.

Belt Sander
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up work into major refinishing jobs.

Hacksaw
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It converts human energy into an unpredictable motion whereby the more effort put into controlling the course of a cut, the less likely the output.

Vise Grips
Normally used to completely round off bolt heads after pliers have failed. They may also be used to transfer the intense heat from welding to the palm of your hand.

Oxy~Acetylene torch
Useful for setting anything in the shed which is remotely inflammable on fire. Excellent way of igniting the grease inside the bearing holding that damned rudder which won't come off.

Hydraulic floor jack
Used to lower the hull back to the cradle after checking keel bolts, trapping the jack handle firmly under said keel (or worse - driving the handle through the new garboard)

Band saw
A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut large sheets of Hoop ply into smaller pieces which fit into the rubbish bin because you cut to the inside of the line instead of the outside.

Block and Tackle
Never big enough, it's a tool used to test the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect when you lift the engine from out of the hull.

Phillips screwdriver
Primarily used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening paper and tin grease cans, splashing grease onto your Sunday Best shirt beacause you were only going into the workshop for a quick look and decided to just prep for that bearing changeout and the overalls weren't necessary. It can also be used, as the name implies, for stripping out Phillips Head screw heads.

Flat bladed screwdriver
A tool for opening paint cans. May be used to convert common flat headed screws into non-removable screws and also for opening large holes in your palms.

Crow bar
A tool used to crumple, crack or otherwise dismember the area surrounding the fitting you need to remove in order to replace a 50c part.

Hose cutter
A tool for making hoses too short

Hammer
Originally developed as a weapon of war, nowadays it may be utilized as a form of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are attempting to hit.

Stanley Knife
Used to open cartons, cardboard boxes and that indestructable plastic packaging that protects gaskets, seals and other items which are easily cut by stanley knives. Especially useful for slicing clothing - but only when worn. Great for removing stubborn ends of fingers.

'Stupid Thing' tool
Also referred to by a number of other names (none of which may be printed here or in most any other public access site not directly funded by community radio). It is the tool closest to hand which gets flung across the workshop whilst yelling 'Stupid Thing!' (or other expletive - extra points for originality). Guaranteed to be the next tool you will need.

Any others you can think of?

**HaroldS** · 12th June 2010, 01:51 PM

Ummmmm ...... I think I own at least one of everything on that list and some things I'm pretty sure I own two or more of.

**pajeronj** · 13th June 2010, 09:09 PM

I'm an apprentice but I can sure relate to that.
Araldite - amazingly strong adhesive and ingenious device to diagnose colour blindedness by securing black cap to white tube and vice versa

Angle grinder - extremely usful motorized tool for reducing the operable size of a piece of metal to well below what was intended while igniting anything within reach of its halleys comet trail of sparks.

Capacitor - device for storing electrical energy that once charged, can be thrown at an unsuspecting coleague who instinctively catches it, allowing a full discharge of its capacity into his/her hands

**PAR** · 13th June 2010, 11:56 PM

I have a new one.

Cyanoacrylate - A quick grab, highly effective adhesive, often used to seal end grain before assembling joints. Found to be much more effective at preventing unwanted finger separation or premature dropping of recently picked up items. It is especially handy when applied to the rim of a toilet seat just before your best buddy uses the it to take a dump. Bets on how long it will take, before they ask for help or you hear the blood curdling scream, as the butt flesh is torn from his bottom, have proven entertaining to a point of excess, for several decades now.

**colinpr** · 16th June 2010, 12:39 PM

Rasp
When used with finesse, acts as replacement for jack plane, block plane or spoke shave. Also the tool experts pick up after the elegant photos for their boatbuilding books have been taken. Provides excellent surface for epoxy to grip.

Colin

**Darce** · 16th June 2010, 10:37 PM

Draw knife:

Traditional cutting tool used to demonstrate that Douglas Fir (or Oregon - not Oregano which tastes better) is much softer than thigh bones.

**colinpr** · 17th June 2010, 10:08 AM

Straight edge

Tool that only occassionally overcomes the fact that the time space continuum is curved in four dimensions and associated with the propagation of gravitational fields.

**PAR** · 17th June 2010, 06:18 PM

Colinpr, sometimes it's best just to hold it in and pass the bong . . .

**HaroldS** · 17th June 2010, 07:52 PM

I am amazed that no one has as yet mentioned that one tool that is so beloved by wood workers the world over and is possibly responsible for more disasters and cost blowouts than all other tools combined ............ Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the .... POWER planer

**pajeronj** · 17th June 2010, 08:03 PM

Originally Posted by HaroldS

I am amazed that no one has as yet mentioned that one tool that is so beloved by wood workers the world over and is possibly responsible for more disasters and cost blowouts than all other tools combined ............ Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the .... POWER planer

Yeah! Even when all is going well the planer still shouts NNNNNNNYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH at you

**colinpr** · 18th June 2010, 09:55 AM

Originally Posted by PAR

Colinpr, sometimes it's best just to hold it in and pass the bong . . .

Cool man. It seemed incredibly meaningful at the time.

**steamboatbob** · 20th June 2010, 01:56 PM

Nails

The best tool for splitting timber

Screw

The upgrade to the nail for splitting timber

Nail Gun

the best tool for accurately joining a piece of timber to your hand or finger

Compressor

A great tool for blowing out the workshop and making sure that you get all that fine sawdust stuck all over your newly varnished work

**m2c1Iw** · 21st June 2010, 03:27 PM

Pencil
The most common tool in any workshop yet never to be found when needed. A devilishly simply device used in conjunction with a square and rule for marking out a cut line in the first, second or third attempt at dimensioning a board until the board becomes shorter than the required length. Sometimes discarded for a .....

Joinery Knife
Used by skilled craftsmen to mark out joints or by a backyard boat builder who is attempting a more accurate mistake than a pencil can achieve.

**Spanner69** · 21st June 2010, 03:54 PM

Handplane:

A wonderful device that is the hall mark of a master craftsman. This is the only tool that has the ability to bend time in such a way that the craftsperson says "I am just going to the shed to turn the light off" at 630pm and suddenly finds that it is now 445am and is surrounded by an eveloping pile of super thin shavings and no workable board left in the shed.

**mic-d** · 21st June 2010, 04:12 PM

thanks Mike I lost this thread...

combination square. A device for temporarily holding a small scribing instrument. A most suitable tool for cleaning out biscuit joiner cuts.

plumb bob. a divining tool used to create windy weather.

chalk line. An anti theft device used to make all your tools an identifiable colour or stain the hand of your offsider who 'doesn't know' what happened to your Estwing hammer. Available in blue or red - they never heard of third time lucky.

Sharp chisel. Used to find the nails behind timber mouldings. Freshly sharpened is most successful.

Blunt chisel. used to mar the timber moulding after you have used the sharp chisel to find the nails.

Drill bit. Any size. component used to permanently seal your metal drill bit box closed - from the inside.

water level. scientific apparatus used to prove the presence of dissolved gasses in water.

Plasterboard saw. Tool used to find power cables in walls and ceilings. Insulated handle is best.

Cheers
Michael

Thread: Tools explained

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Tools explained

Similar Threads

Tools Explained.

Some woodworking tools explained.

At Last - Life Explained

Hell Explained

MBGitW explained

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions