Thread: SWMBO has departed this mortal coil

Bob, I am so sorry.

BobL, I don't know how I have missed seeing this until now. I have not been on the forum much lately due to some of my own issues so I belatedly would like to add my condolences as well. I lost my wife 20 years ago and I know it is a lot to go through.

Thanks Fellas, much appreciated.
Things are going as well as can be expected under the circumstances.

Yesterday was putting up the Xmas tree with the grandies which brought a few tears - Amanda loved all that Xmas stuff but I was usually an old grump about it and was lucky to hang a single ornament on any tree she put up.

I have continued to declutter the house and have removed about 40 boxes and bags of stuff but this has barely put a dent in the bric a brac, I've mainly been getting rid of old clothing and Amanda's mothers and grand mothers bric-a-brac. I'm doing this to create a bit of space to put out a few photos of Amanda and her horse riding and craft activities. I've also taken the opportunity to get rid of some of my stuff like the Belgian beer glass collection that I haven't touched for more than 10 years. Taking a much loved partners life apart and finding useful homes for the stuff is a mixture of pain and privilege.

I've sold a few things, like her rock polishing and cutting gear which was just taking uo space in teh shed, but generally I don't need the money so most of the stuff including excess furniture is being donated to Vinnies or Good Sammys. Likewise stuff like the stamp collection can just go to charity. But what does one do with a "Winnie the Pooh" shrine/collecctio0n, or an extensive children's book collection? Once I've removed enough stuff to make things easier to clean and created enough space to set out photos and samples of Amanda's craft I will let things lay for a while.

Still no interest and energy to get out to the shed - I wonder if that will ever come back?

G'Day Bob, The shed is the HAPPY PLACE for most of us blokes so I hope you get out there soon to enjoy the fun of creating with wood. Cheers Peter

Originally Posted by BobL

Thanks Fellas, much appreciated.

Things are going as well as can be expected under the circumstances.



Still no interest and energy to get out to the shed - I wonder if that will ever come back?

Bob,

Perhaps a visit to those mens sheds where you have have had so much input ,a chance to spend some time away from home for a few hours.

Originally Posted by John Saxton

Bob,

Perhaps a visit to those mens sheds where you have have had so much input ,a chance to spend some time away from home for a few hours.

Thanks John, I may yet do that.
I'm already spending quite a bit of time away from home - the problem is going back to an empty house - if I didn't have the dogs I don't know what I'd do..
A couple of times a week I visit my son and his family and play with the grandies - they are about 25 minutes away
The dogs get an hour walk by the Swan river every morning
I'm in a once a week walking group with some old school mates that walks 5-7km through interesting parts of Perth/Fremantle and surrounds and stop off for coffee along the path. I really look forward to this.
I go to morning teas/lunches at my sisters places a couple of times a week - that's also where I catch up with my 94 year old demented mum who gets to come out of care for a few hours.
The neighbours are fantastic - invites to breakfast, coffee and have provided loads if food.
Several Ex-work colleagues are always up for brunch/coffee/chat.

The one thing that has really started to gnaw at me in the last few days is memories of multiple missed opportunities. The most common of these were the numerous social events we would go to involving her family/friends that I did not want to attend. I would grumble a bit and go a long but then when we arrived I would ignore Amanda the whole time we were there and talk to other people instead. What I did not realize until much later (like the last few months) that often Amanda did not want to go either but felt obliged to go, but I still blamed her and treated her badly. Gee's I now feel like a total prick. I'm constantly amazed that she put up with me. Mind you, she had her moments.

The cleanup of MILs and Grandmas stuff continues, 4 more boxes are going to Vinnies this morning. Amanda's Jewellery has been left to my granddaughter but I invited the nieces and great nieces over to select from Amandas bags/scarves/and some jewellery but they only took a few things. I guessed that granny type stuff is not really that appealing to teenagers?

Thanks Bob, for "bearing your soul" to us with your comments. I would imagine it would be very hard for you to tell us some things. You have hi lighted a few things I may have done to my wife at times [I must remedy the situation]

I hope you will have a good Christmas without your "Better Half"

I thought I might feel a bit better after finding out the good news about how how I no longer have Sarcoidosis but it's swamped by SWMNLBO passing.

This weeks grief has been a transition between deep "guilt" (see post #82) and the start of "bargaining", which are apparently stages 3 and 4 (out of 7) in the grieving process.
I didnt know about these stages until I looked it up yesterday

3. GUILT & PAIN

As a person begins to feel the full realization of someone’s death, their numbness leads the way to extreme emotional pain and suffering. Guilt often accompanies this pain. A person may feel survivor’s guilt or a constant sense of “what might have been.” They may feel remorse over missed opportunities or things they did or didn’t do with their loved ones before their passing. It’s important to experience the full depth of pain when going through grief. Masking this stage with alcohol or drugs only makes things worse in the long run.

I did try alcohol but I didn't go any further than a mouthful as it makes me nauseated.

4. BARGAINING

The negotiation phase occurs when a grieving person needs an emotional release from the shock and pain of loss. This phase involves wrestling with fate or “the powers that be” to try and make sense of loss. Of course, there is nothing one can do to bring someone back from the dead.

Next apparently comes "anger", but no signs of it yet.

The hardest thing is going back to the house alone.

Yesterday I decided to venture further into the attic. My god there's so much stuff up there. A number of MILs appliances have been squirreled in amongst old camping gear and baby clothes. A box full of 40 year old cloth nappies (??) The good thing is this stuff will take my mind off dealing with Amanda personal stuff. I know Amanda wanted to dispose of a lot of this old stuff but didnt have the mental strength to deal with it. Well, next week there going to be a shirt of of stuff going onto gum tree.

Yesterday would have been our 44th Wedding anniversary and it was a pretty grim day.. In the past I was not that big on anniversaries or birthdays etc but SWMNLBO was and then seemed to accept there was not a big deal for me so she toned down her expectations. There were several occasions in the mid 1990s where days would go by before we'd remembered we'd clocked up another year. Of course I now feel super guilty about all those missed anniversaries. About a decade ago I did put an anniversary reminder date in my phone calendar so was always able to at least say something and we then usually went out for breakfast on the day.

The day before I posted about the anniversary on the family chat group and emailed Amandas bridesmaids. I got some very supportive/kind responses but in some ways remembering the good times only made it worse. Am choking up even just writing about it here. This anniversary I will now never forget.

To compound matters my left knee is giving me gip and I can't carry any more than a couple of kgs or even walk too far. The dogs only get a 15 minute walk and then I sit on park bench and throw the ball for them for a bit. This has also seriously slowed down the house decluttering. Yesterday I mowed the pocket handkerchief back lawn and then had to spend the rest of the laying down which did help matters much.

I'm coming round to accepting that the house being left so cluttered is more of a good thing than not. Besides giving me something useful to do, it sounds like the OP shops are doing well out of it. The main op shop I take stuff to reckons that so far they've made a couple of hundred bucks out of just the bric-a-brac as being of reasonable quality it's selling like hot cakes. On Friday I took 12 of our 14 camping/folding camping chairs to Good Sammys. They reckon the can get $5 for the cheap ones and $10 for the fancier ones so there's at least a $100 in these for them. I've put a few larger camping things things on Gum tree but nothing much is moving with those and if they don't go by mid jan I'll take then to the op shops as well.

Hang in there Bob!
Just keep plodding along and keep a smile on your dial. The sun will shine again.

Pete.

Oh Bob, what a terrible shock. I've not looked at the forum for a while, until this morning.
My condolences on such a profoundly felt loss.

hey bob.

just checking in that you're still going ok

Thanks for asking.

Unfortunately nope, my life has turned to $hyte and had no idea it could get this bad.
I thought I was doing more or less OK up until I found and read my Wife's (Amanda) metal health diary of the 23 Dec
Amanda had PTSD and I can now feel all her stress loading up on me

I am angry as heck with
- the mistreatment of my Amanda's metal health by medical professionals for 46 years
- the way a few members of her family and some of her so called friends treated Amanda
I feel as guilt as heck with myself for not picking much of this up and not doing more about it
I feel I have little purpose for living - I feel like i'm living in a dim twilight, and the lights are about to get even dimmer

Can't do any shed work, read books, or even watch TV for more than a few minutes.
Any music I listened to before Amanda's death is tainted so and am constant seeking out new music to listen to but the lyrics have to be undecipherable otherwise I find meaning that may not even be there.
Household chores are done minimally and on zombie mode.
I forced myself to help my son start to assemble some IKEA stuff this morning and lasted about 20 minutes before breaking down and going home.
I have really wonderful family and friends to talk to and do so often.
Am going to an average of at least one social contact each day sometimes 2 or 3, but am really worried about pissing people off.
While I'm out I'm usually OK but going home just fires me up again
Have approached a grief counsellor but fear its way deeper and darker than that this so have obtained contacts for professional help that I will look into next week.

The only thing keeping me afloat is writing a memoir of Amanda and am up to 66 thousand words. Funny how I can edit this but can't read a book.

Bob,
I’m lost for words,
But I’m thinking of you,please keep posting here especially when you think were not interested or over it,
You are Big part of this forum, and time no matter how long it takes will help heal you.

Take Care Matt.