Thread: SWMBO has departed this mortal coil

I marvel at them! They are so busy all the time. Willi Wag Tails are similar with their business. The Wrens are the same colour for a lot of their time but the males change to Blue at mating time. Incredible little fellas

On Monday I met up with a couple of women that run Solace Grief WA. Solace is a non-denominational org that runs a number of regular Grief discussion group meetings. I'm not sure if this is for me but I agreed to attend a meeting and try them out. I'm still going to the psych but haven't seen her for a while as I've been away.

The hardest part of being away for those few days down South was coming back. Not just coming back to an empty house but return journeys were when Amanda would want to stop off along the way and buy something. Lots of memories. I also drove past the Shannon River turn off which is where Amand used to take groups of students on week long horrse riding camps deep in the middle of a national park (no mobile contact, no power/running water etc). Amanda loved hard camping so this was right up her ally and would come home dirty, exhausted but very happy. She asked me to come along once but I declined - more regrets. She was even thinking of making this a career change but I didnt want to leave the city and fortunately she then got interested in equestrian stuff etc.

I have finally taken up a new project - a complete kitchen reno which is something Amanda and I had though about pre Covid.
Apart from dismantling and the reinstalling the water extensive purification system under there sink I'm not doing any of it.
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I will find it hard enough to decide on stuff and buy the few appliances that I'm changing over.
I still find it hard to go into the shed let alone staying there for too long.

Bob, reminising about old times is good for your soul beleive it or not. Keep driving, keep remembering things. Its when we simply bottle it all up thats the difficult part.
and making decisions about changes around home, well done proud of you.

Things are slowly moving in an upward trajectory.
Still very very sad at times but less often to the point of being totally dysfunctional.

No meltdowns for 2 weeks now, although I'm not holding my breath over this.
From time to time I can think positively about Amanda and sometimes even smile when I think of her, or see a photo of her, not that I can look at too many without being affected..

I dragged out the caravan from under the carport and popped the top to get into it because I want to fix it up and then sell it.
Lots of good and a few frustrating memories came out from doing this.
Amanda was the last to use it by herself and there were still some of her clothes in there and she left it uncleaned.
I still can't believe how much stuff she crammed into that thing.

Have now disposed of over 150 boxes/bags of stuff from the house, most to the opshop, but lately increasingly to the recycling centre, tip or given away on Gum tree.
Still dragging stuff out of the attic, two boxes of costumes/dressups, heaps of baby clothes, books, more camping gear, plastic crates full of sewing cloth offcuts, old sporting gear, etc

Been to the psych a few more times - not sure if this is helping or not.
Maybe it is helping, but without me noticing it directly so I'll keep going for a bit longer but I will now space the visits out to fortnightly.
Read a couple more books on Grief - I find these surprisingly helpful.

The Memoir I'm writing is now up to 151 pages but mostly I'm just editing what I have already done.

I've started to watch some TV. I found a series on SBS that I'm finding interesting so I watch an episode a night.

Kitchen reno is progressing slowing - the cabinet maker says they have started the cabinet construction but currently they are on a major country install and won't be back onto my cabinets for another couple of weeks. When the go ahead for the install comes I will do major clean out of the kitchen which is still very cluttered.

Went to an outdoor concert with some friends last night. Amanda would have loved the music a lot ,so a bit nostalgic but also I smiled a few times remembering how Amanda always loved to sing along with gusto but would not always stay in tune.

Still find it hard to work in the shed for more than few minutes - I need a decent project to get me motivated and it needs a decent clean out which is slowly gaining priority. There is still some of Amanda's stuff in there that needs sorting.

Thanks again to everyone who provided ne with so much support.

Sounding better Bob.

Originally Posted by BobL

I've started to watch some TV. I found a series on SBS that I'm finding interesting so I watch an episode a night.

The Scandinavians make GREAT TV drama, particularly the Danes. Often dark, but always good. We've seen so much that we are now familiar with many of the actors. I would highly recommend "Borgen".

Originally Posted by FenceFurniture

Sounding better Bob.

The Scandinavians make GREAT TV drama, particularly the Danes. Often dark, but always good. We've seen so much that we are now familiar with many of the actors. I would highly recommend "Borgen".

I agree, I also listen to Scandinavian detective Audio Books. I'm currently listening to a series of Icelandic ones by Ragnar Janasonn.
.

my gut feeling is that cleaning up, disposing of loved ones gear and possesions has to be the hardest shitiest job ever.
Saying goodby to them must be painful, but moving on their belongings.

My heart goes out to you Bob, glad to see that (slow) progress is being acheived

Originally Posted by Tonyz

my gut feeling is that cleaning up, disposing of loved ones gear and possesions has to be the hardest shitiest job ever.
Saying goodby to them must be painful, but moving on their belongings.

My heart goes out to you Bob, glad to see that (slow) progress is being acheived

yes, but I think for me it's necessary to handle everything with my own hands. That way if I miss something I can't blame anyone else. Much of what I have disposed of was not really Amanda's but her mum's and grand has stuff and have no real connection to it. In fact it irritates me that it's still here.

Bob - glad to see you are on an upwards trajectory; like many on these forums I do check in from time to to time to see how you are going. I think that your recent brief break away from the house to stay with a friend, even for a week, did you a lot of good.

Don't rush things, and don't be too hard on yourself.

All the best.

well I can say this thread has had an effect on me bob

for better or worse your comment a number of pages back about wishing you hadn't complained or borked at going to events with Amanada as much has kind of echo'd with me for some reason. If my wife wants to do something even though I know its not something i'll particularly enjoy for some reason your words come up in my mind and I just say yes as I know it'll make her happy and it does.

you saying it out loud as a regret has just made me conscious of it I suppose so your definitely still helping people out in the weirdest of ways

Originally Posted by havabeer69

well I can say this thread has had an effect on me bob

for better or worse your comment a number of pages back about wishing you hadn't complained or borked at going to events with Amanada as much has kind of echo'd with me for some reason. If my wife wants to do something even though I know its not something i'll particularly enjoy for some reason your words come up in my mind and I just say yes as I know it'll make her happy and it does.

you saying it out loud as a regret has just made me conscious of it I suppose so your definitely still helping people out in the weirdest of ways

Thanks Havebear, Yep, if you care at all about your other half and you've been constantly resistant/grumpy/moaning and complaining etc to your partner
If you die first, you will leave your parrtner with the distinct impression you were a prick
Worse still, if you partner dies first you will end up feeling like a complete terd for a long time.

Regret is a bastard of an emotion to deal with and there is a tendency for the remaining person to over emphasise it.
I listen to a really good and helpful podcast about regret
The first thing to understand is if you have any regrets this is totally normal and a sign that your moral and emotional core are working correctly.
People who have no regrets either didn't love their partner or their brain is not working right.
Next thing is, regrets judged in hindsight with much extra information available can be misleading and you may not be fair on yourself, you have to watch out for this.
Regrets associated with the death of a loved one are difficult to deal with because there's no way to repair them, but at the very least you should not repeat those actions and behaviours that led to these regrets in the future. In other words regrets can help make you a better person.

I finally went to my first Group Grief gathering run by Solace Grief, About a dozen people and a facilitator sitting in a circle for 2 hours talking about "stuff".
The longest time that had passed since their other half had died was 7 years and the shortest was 3 months (I'm at 5 months).
Several people did not speak at all even when invited to do so, while others probably spoke too much.
"Stuff" ranged from talking about Xmas and Birthday events, to how to deal with financial affairs, to cleaning out houses and sheds, and of course how it felt to do these things. There were even a few funny stories told.
I'm not sure how useful this is going to be for me but I will keep going for a few more sessions - these ones are held monthly.
They are likely to be of more benefit for the people who dont have much family or other support
Solace do run other events like weekly coffee gatherings, lunches and picnics etc but i am booked out for social events with people that know Amanda and I find socialising with them very helpful.
What I like about it is, it's up to you to mention anything spiritual other wise the talk is not religious.
It's still early days, but for people who have few people to talk to or feel they need to talk to anonymous people it seems pretty good.

Things have improved a bit more, although there's still many ups and downs.

Over easter I went with my son and family (and my dogs) down south to Busselton where I lived as a kid for 7 years.
I have a sister that lives in Busselton, plus I still know a few other people so I've been a semi-regular visitor to the place over the years.
It was the most nostalgic trip I remember, probably because for the last 40+ years most visits have been there with Amanda so many memories of her even there
Like the picnic table where Amanda and I ate Fish and Chips last year, the B&B we stayed at, the jetty we walked on.
Coming back to an empty house is still hard, plus someone to off load to etc.

Other than the grandies being a bit ratty (I blame the excess chocolate ) it was a good break and it's a place we'll probably be going back to again.

I'm still fixing the caravan - It was in the driveway between my Hiace van and the side fence and I had just finished fixing it and then decided to move it closer to the fence so that some visitors could more easily walk down between the vehicle and van to the house. While moving it with 4WD I left the caravan top up and forgot about the street tree so damaged the caravan top. This turned out to have a bIt of a silver lining in that when I went to the Caravan Shop to get the replacement parts I was served by one of the managers and asked him about caravan prices. Turns out I had planned to advertise it for about $5k less than I should.

Still waiting on kitchen reno guys to start the reno, so having a good clean of kitchen stuff. There's loads of doubles plus of everything, still trying to work out how we ended up with 4 lettuce keepers, and most of it is going to op shops.

My Psych visits started out as weekly, then went to two weekly and i'm now going to try monthly.
Thanks again to everyone for their kind comments and posts.

you know next month someone is going to turn up with 4 lettuces and you'll be kicking your self.....

Yup - lettuces are just like buses; nothing comes along for ages, then 4 turn up at once.....